Humor

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    The Bloggess

  • It’s like losing James Garfield all over again. For the second time. Although technically I wasn’t alive when the world lost the first James Garfield so I don’t really know what that was like but I doubt it was as tragic as this.

    Jenny the bloggess
    21 Nov 2009 | 6:25 pm
    So today we went to an estate sale and the person who’d owned the house had died and was awesome/completely insane.  Usually when Victor and I go to estate sales Victor looks for treasures and I rifle through all the dead person’s books to see if they were the kind of person I’d hang out with.  Except this time I didn’t even get to the books before I found him. Oh holy Christ, people. And yes.  That is a GINORMOUS wolf/bear/pig thing and I wanted it immediately.  Like, I kind of dropped my jaw and rocked back on my heels in shock a little and Victor was all…

  • Hope for Anissa

    Jenny the bloggess
    20 Nov 2009 | 7:26 am
    I don’t think I’ve ever done this before on this blog and I hope that I never have to do it again but I’m asking for your help.  If you read this blog a lot then you already know Anissa Mayhew because she’s a regular commenter.  She’s a blogger, a reader and a faithful friend.  More than once Anissa has had my back during rough times.  She’s a founding member of The Bloggess Army (codename: Kaiser Soze).  She’s publicly defended me more than once…mostly from myself.  She’s hysterical and witty and bitingly sarcastic and now…

  • Breaking news: Waffles

    Jenny the bloggess
    18 Nov 2009 | 3:59 pm
    My friend, Hannah, just sent me an email to alert me about breaking news on Yahoo: Not a joke, you guys. Real. Live. Screenshot. Holy shit, y’all. And my first thought was “I have to share this with the internets immediately because WTF, news media?  Why is this a top story?!”  And then my second thought is that I shouldn’t tell anyone about it until I have a chance to go out and buy all the Eggos I can find first because this way I get a headstart on the hoarding.  But no, I decided to share with you now because I have integrity.  And because I already have a box…

  • Japan, part 2 (ish): Tommy Lee Jones needs to mind his own business

    Jenny the bloggess
    16 Nov 2009 | 8:18 am
    OMG, you guys.  I actually published a “part 2″ to a post that I labeled “Part 1″.  I think that’s the first time that’s ever happened.  Is there a medal for this, or some sort of ribbon?  If so, please mail one to me.  Unless it’s that bullshit white participant ribbon.  No one wants that ribbon.  Unless you buy it yourself and wear it ironically.  Then it’s kind of awesome.  Or desperate.  One of those. So where was I?  We’d just landed in Japan and luckily I was still using my journal at the time because I’ve already…

  • It might not even be pudding. It may have been lotion. Or some sort of spackle.

    Jenny the bloggess
    14 Nov 2009 | 5:46 pm
    A video of weird/offensive/awesome stuff I bought in Japan.  Also, I suck at making videos.  That’ll be evident if you make it to the end.  But about halfway through I eat a boobie.  So there’s that.  Totally redeeming. Comment of the day:Peppermint creeps the everliving crap out of me. Totally did not expect the eye color change thing. And since she’s Japanese, there’s probably some horrible karmic consequence of pulling the ass-string. Like, in seven days you’ll be forcefed boobie pudding until you die.  Unless this whole Vlog was like “The Ring” and then we’re…
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    Stuff Rich People Love

  • #71 – Professional Blow Drying

    Chas Underwood III
    18 Nov 2009 | 10:08 pm
    Professional Blow Drying Price: A Keratin Intervention A notable difference between upper class fabulous and soccer mom drab is perfect hair. While men are oblivious to their better half’s new hairstyle, all women know to the minute how long it has been since a member of the sisterhood has had her hair professionally washed and blow dried. [...]

  • #70 – Personal Chefs

    Chas Underwood III
    15 Nov 2009 | 10:08 pm
    Personal Chefs Price: Saving the gratuity If you are like most people, you know that dinner can be as simple as boiling water, opening a box of macaroni, adding milk and butter then mixing orange powder to creamy perfection. At worst, choosing fancy ketchup is as complicated as any meal gets. Sadly, rich people do not have [...]

  • #69 – Butlers

    Chas Underwood III
    8 Nov 2009 | 10:08 pm
    Butlers Price: Tolerating Fake British Accents Most people will never understand the trials and tribulations that rich people cope with daily. While country mansions, yachts, wine cellars, exotic cars and private islands sound appealing to most, it is easy to forget that not having a job means plenty of free time which “simply must be managed, darling”. [...]

  • #68 – Mounting Animals

    Chas Underwood III
    28 Oct 2009 | 10:08 pm
    Mounting Animals Price: Losing Vegan Friends Rich people love to mount animals. Please dislodge your mind from the gutter, if you gasped know that taxidermy is alive and well. Hunting has always been a favorite pastime of the wealthy and as long as there are automatic weapons, ammunition and animals obliviously wandering their natural habitat, they will [...]

  • #67 – Honorary Degrees

    Chas Underwood III
    25 Oct 2009 | 9:53 pm
    Honorary Degrees Price: “Donations” Honorary degrees are the academic equivalent of a blowjob after an expensive meal. In exchange for the celebrity and notoriety that a public visit brings to a university campus, the Dean will present framed parchment to the wealthy guest which is certainly more appropriate than dropping to their knees out of gratitude for [...]
 
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    Craftastrophe

  • Countdown to Thanksgiving: Turkey Hat for Pissed Off Kids

    Karen Sugarpants
    22 Nov 2009 | 4:00 am
    {source} Subscribe to the comments for this post?Stumble upon something good? Share it on StumbleUponTweet This!Share this on RedditShare this on FacebookShare this on LinkedinAdd this to Google BookmarksShare this on FriendFeedShare this on del.icio.usBuzz up!Submit this to Script & StyleShare this on BlinklistDigg this!Share this on TechnoratiShare this on MixxShare this on TipdPost this to MySpaceSubmit this to NetvibesSeed this on NewsvineNot the same, but still fun:TIMES UP! TIMES UP! TIMES UP! CONTEST: Win a Brother P-Touch Label Maker!TIMES UP! Giveaway! Hangman NecklaceGIVEAWAY:…

  • PSA from Craftastrophe: Kids, keep your hands out of the cages!

    sam {temptingmama}
    21 Nov 2009 | 10:58 am
    Next time my kid doesn’t listen and shoves his hand in a rabbit cage, I shall show him this.  Should be a good reminder for a 4 year old, no? {source} Subscribe to the comments for this post?Stumble upon something good? Share it on StumbleUponTweet This!Share this on RedditShare this on FacebookShare this on LinkedinAdd this to Google BookmarksShare this on FriendFeedShare this on del.icio.usBuzz up!Submit this to Script & StyleShare this on BlinklistDigg this!Share this on TechnoratiShare this on MixxShare this on TipdPost this to MySpaceSubmit this to NetvibesSeed this on…

  • The Eyes of Frida

    sam {temptingmama}
    21 Nov 2009 | 7:43 am
    I don’t know, maybe I’m stating the obvious here…but that kinda looks like a penis in (its) mouth, and maybe vagina eyes? Either way. I am scarred for life. FOR SERIOUS. From the listing: For the love of Frida and her ever lasting existence, when the consciousness ceases, the mind has die [sic], but not the imagination. I think this person’s imagination could use a vacation. {source} Subscribe to the comments for this post?Stumble upon something good? Share it on StumbleUponTweet This!Share this on RedditShare this on FacebookShare this on LinkedinAdd this to Google…

  • Countdown to Thanksgiving: Turkey Earrings Aren’t as Bad as Bald Eagle Earrings

    Karen Sugarpants
    21 Nov 2009 | 4:00 am
    Want proof? Read more: {source} Subscribe to the comments for this post?Stumble upon something good? Share it on StumbleUponTweet This!Share this on RedditShare this on FacebookShare this on LinkedinAdd this to Google BookmarksShare this on FriendFeedShare this on del.icio.usBuzz up!Submit this to Script & StyleShare this on BlinklistDigg this!Share this on TechnoratiShare this on MixxShare this on TipdPost this to MySpaceSubmit this to NetvibesSeed this on NewsvineNot the same, but still fun:TIMES UP! TIMES UP! TIMES UP! CONTEST: Win a Brother P-Touch Label Maker!TIMES UP! Giveaway!

  • Countdown to Thanksgiving: Not a Craftastrophe

    Karen Sugarpants
    20 Nov 2009 | 4:00 am
    Ladies and Gentlemen, Turkducken. GENIUS. WANT. {source} Subscribe to the comments for this post?Stumble upon something good? Share it on StumbleUponTweet This!Share this on RedditShare this on FacebookShare this on LinkedinAdd this to Google BookmarksShare this on FriendFeedShare this on del.icio.usBuzz up!Submit this to Script & StyleShare this on BlinklistDigg this!Share this on TechnoratiShare this on MixxShare this on TipdPost this to MySpaceSubmit this to NetvibesSeed this on NewsvineNot the same, but still fun:TIMES UP! TIMES UP! TIMES UP! CONTEST: Win a Brother P-Touch Label…
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    Stuff Indians Like

  • #$120 per month: Spoiled Trust-Fund Slumpuppies

    2 Nov 2009 | 10:28 am
    We here at SILDC (okay, its just me, and I should be studying for a damn eggjam) are obsessed with the Slumdogg Millionare movie that has seemed to be on HBO every night since Diwali. I cannot help but watch at least a few scenes of wanton yelling, M.I.A.-infused train-trickery, and the goonsplash that is Anil Kapoor. Here's the latest from the brownsploitation film (from yahoo news):MUMBAI (AFP) - – Two child stars from the Oscar-winning film "Slumdog Millionaire" may lose their monthly allowance unless they improve their school attendance, a report said on Monday. Azharuddin Ismail and…

  • #7 Years of Lies: The AXE Effect

    27 Oct 2009 | 1:15 pm
    Indians are a fragrant bunch, as the saying goes, and will invest time and money in their aromas. But, for Vaibhav Bedi, enough was enough. After 7 years of being a devotee to the brand, he will sue Axe for 'mental suffering', 'cheating', and, apparently, not getting his chocolate limbs ripped off his brown body: In what could prove to be a major marketing and legal embarrassment for Hindustan Unilever Limited (HUL), a 26-year-old man has filed a case against the FMCG company, which owns the Axe brand of men grooming products, for ‘cheating’ and causing him ‘mental suffering’. The…

  • #54: Brandon Chillar

    16 Sep 2009 | 3:12 pm
    Not only are we biased from the Green and Gold, but his Hindu-Jat background and probable penchant for paneer make us 100% sold (LOL!) on Brandon Chillar as SILDC's athletic macaca of the year.

  • #15 Unique Visitors: Rawk Blogging!

    5 Aug 2009 | 6:36 pm
    Stay abreastezzzes of our goings on on the road as we tour the country with the Kominas in a Honda Civic Hybrid and a 2001 Volvo Sedan at our MTV Iggy Bands on Tour Blog. Updated somewhat frequently during stolen moments of Blackberry downtime.

  • #$5: Rockumenting!

    17 Jul 2009 | 7:52 am
    We're going on the road with Bonstonstan-based punk band The Kominas for a three week tour around the US of A. We'll be toting our cameras, mics and Volvo along for the ride. Since our goal is to bring back you, our audience, a visceral look at life on the road for a bunch of brown dudes playing dive bars and basements West of the Mississippi and South of the Mason Dixon, we offer you the option to throw a couple Washingtons our way to help us fund this rockument of America on the forehead of 2012. Click the button below and proceeeeeed.
 
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    @TremendousNews!

  • The 10 People You Meet While Traveling.

    Tremendous
    20 Nov 2009 | 7:59 am
    Oh OK. Because that shit never happens. I’m traveling.  And I’ve already learned a valuable lesson. Traveling sucks ass. After traveling a lot in my former “employed” life, I’ll share with you a few people everyone meets while traveling. 1. The Guy With The Disgusting Socks. It’s not very often that you’re asked to remove your shoes in a public place, so it’s always exciting to judge the people you travel with based entirely on their socks. Like this dude I saw with these gross-ass holes in his socks. Foot-fat bursting through fabric, unable to remain contained. A…

  • My Big Fat Greek Interview With Nia Vardalos.

    Tremendous
    16 Nov 2009 | 7:56 am
    Nia Vardalos with John Stamos who poses absolutely no threat to me. What does he have that I don't have? Besides looks, success, and not-moobs. Let’s pilot back to a time when there wasn’t a Tremendous News. News just wasn’t tremendous. I was sitting on the ugly orange couch in my parents basement wearing my wife-beater.  It had mustard stains and cigarette burn holes. I don’t even smoke. And I’m sitting there, watching Golden Girls reruns, eating fruit roll ups and reflecting on life. Nothing. I had nothing to show for it. I won a trophy playing soccer when…

  • The Remastered Avatars Of TwitJesus: @Jack, @Biz, and @Ev

    Tremendous
    13 Nov 2009 | 9:18 am
    If you're reading this and you're one of these people, I'm sorry in advance. We all know TwitJesus. The creators of our nerdy Twitter universe. Jack, Biz, Ev. Or as I like to call them, Bevackiz. Since I’m hilariously unemployed and have a lot of time on my hands, I took their avatars and remastered them all by hand. Much like Albrecht Dürer, the German renaissance painter, I deliver to my subject subtle poise and nobility.  I draw with my mind’s eye, each stroke a gentle gift of passion for my craft. I hope you enjoy these works. A collection I like to call Jack,…

  • The 7 Reasons Why You Retweet.

    Tremendous
    10 Nov 2009 | 8:43 am
    God help us all. In the devastatingly nerdy world of Twitter, retweets matter. You can parade around town with your top hat and cane and pretend they don’t. It’s about connections, Tremendous News. About happiness. For pete’s sake!  I’m just sorta kinda seeing where Twitter takes me today. Wrong. Hilariously wrong. Retweetyness. That’s what it’s about. Which is why at the end of every article you read here, I have a big RT counter. I lay that shit out there. If I drop a huge article turd and nobody likes it, I know instantly. If I perform well, then…

  • 5 Ways To Return Anything To Any Store.

    Tremendous
    9 Nov 2009 | 9:15 am
    So what if she has nothing to do with the article. Stop raining on my super-hot parade. This weekend, a friend of mine told me a harrowing story. It was about her, some chick-clothes, and this store, Lulemom. Luleman? Something with a lemon. She went there to return merchandise that fell apart in the washer and the lady at the store told her to go screw herself. Politely. I’ve had some experience in returning items to stores.  Mostly because I carry with me a strong undercurrent of potent doucheyness. I want them to say no. Then, at that point, the battle begins. I become a fat William…
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    College Humor

  • Great Sign Dancer

    21 Nov 2009 | 12:36 pm
    "Dance class at the School for the Deaf." Uploaded 28 likes

  • Woodpecker vs Snake

    21 Nov 2009 | 12:23 pm
    "Look there's a bird pecking into a-OH JESUS RUN FOR YOUR LIFE." Uploaded 27 likes

  • Laser Engraver Plays Mario Theme

    20 Nov 2009 | 1:51 pm
    "The best part is that, when it's finished, you have a plaque that says "2009 2nd Grade Soccer Champio120f8abqllllq."" Uploaded 73 likes

  • Sewage Surfing

    20 Nov 2009 | 1:22 pm
    ""I love sewage surfing, I just hate how the poop water makes my hair feel."" Uploaded 14 likes

  • Awesome Pizza Hut Location

    20 Nov 2009 | 12:55 pm
    ""Oh, I'm sorry. The most exotic Pizza Hut in the world isn't a romantic enough date for you?" Uploaded 34 likes
 
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    Pointlessbanter.net

  • If you are an adult and excited to see New Moon you are a moron

    Bobby Finstock
    20 Nov 2009 | 10:16 am
    (If you are under 18 this doesn’t apply to you. Everyone expects you to have horrible taste when it comes to pop culture. Your mom had it. Your mother’s mother had it. It is just a fact of life. Now go paint tear drops on something.) Last year when Twilight came out I wrote a blog entitled “If you are an adult and excited to see Twilight you are an idiot”. Over the year since that abortion of a film came out things have changed. The world has been taken over by “sexy vampires” in fact I think every show in the CW lineup next year is going to involve different mythical creatures…

  • Ranking the Celebrity Deaths of 2009

    Bobby Finstock
    17 Nov 2009 | 4:27 am
    Usually I take celebrity deaths mourn for about twenty-five seconds and then move on with my life. Of course other times I have gone the other way and carried on like they were the greatest events ever, like when Anna Nicole Smith died. We lost a few celebrities this year. One guy that molested children and owned a chimp…  then there was some other people that did some stuff. All of them though couldn’t hold a torch to a man… no a legend… that we lost over the weekend.  (Except maybe Bea Arthur.) Ken Ober the former host of one of the single greatest TV shows ever on MTV, “Remote…

  • The Films of Roland Emmerich – A Deep Critical Analysis

    donkeysosa
    16 Nov 2009 | 3:29 am
    This weekend the latest film by auteur Roland Emmerich, 2012, was released.  As usual, the film is a brilliant, multidimensional rumination on various aspects of modern mankind as it looks into the mirror at itself, puzzling over the big questions: why are we here, is love a selfish emotion, how many CGI effects can be stuffed into a two and a half hour borefest?  To honor this epic, thinking-man’s director, here are detailed analyses of all of his most important works to date.  But be forwarned: these critiques dig even deeper than the films themselves. Independence Day – 1996…

  • I need to cater to a younger audience

    Bobby Finstock
    13 Nov 2009 | 6:43 am
    Throughout this week I have been studying who reads this blog, who I am friends with on Facebook, and who follows me on Twiter. The one conclusion I arrived at is that everyone is old and will probably being dying at some point in the future. You dying does not help me out. That means less traffic, less fame, and me one step further away from making a sex tape with Carrie Prejean entitled, “We All Mistakes: Breast Implants, Sex Tapes, and Screwing Bobby Finstock are all Christian-like”. In order to prevent the slide that could happen I have decided to take matters into my own hands and…

  • Snitches Get Stitches

    Bobby Finstock
    11 Nov 2009 | 4:46 am
    One thing that I learned while growing up is that you never snitch on people. One of my “friends” in high school ratted out a few of my friends and I when we were pulling a practical joke (or causing massive damage depending on your point of view) and I haven’t talked to them in 14 years. The philosophy of “snitches get stitches” has been hard wired into urban society for years. Music, movies, and television (check out “the Wire”) all have basically enforced the “snitches get stitches” logic. Instead of don’t rat people out it has turned into there will be repercussions if…
 
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    Free-Ass. Press

  • Obama Flubs; Calls Chinese Premier "Ching Chong Ding Dong"

    Free-Ass. Press
    19 Nov 2009 | 3:00 am
    Posted: In the empty Bird's NestBEIJING -- In a major diplomatic faux pas, President Barack Obama mistakenly called Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao by another name."He simply mispronounced his name," Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said during a news conference. "He knew it was pronounced either 'Jiabao' or 'Ching Chong Ding Dong.' He picked the wrong one. It could have happened to anyone."Obama is wrapping up a eight-day diplomatic trip to Asia in hopes of keeping U.S.-Asian economic ties and bilateral cooperation strong. However, in an uncharacteristically tone-deaf attempt to ease the tension with…

  • Free-Ass. Preview: The Sarah Palin Memoir

    Free-Ass. Press
    17 Nov 2009 | 3:00 am
    Posted: Next to Levi Johnston's penis pancake makeupALTERNATE UNIVERSE, Booktourlandistan -- As a public service to its readers, the editors at Free-Ass. Press have compiled a few of the more interesting items in former Alaska governor and 2008 Republican vice-presidential nominee Sarah Palin's new 413-page memoir, "Going Rogue: An American Life," which will hit bookstore shelves today -- and bookstore discount bins Friday.The book reveals details of tension on the campaign trail, including Palin's bombshell that candidate McCain at one point announced that he would no longer refer to his…

  • Republicans Amend Health Care Bill; Being Muslim Now Pre-Existing Condition

    Free-Ass. Press
    12 Nov 2009 | 3:00 am
    Posted: Better late than never.WASHINGTON D.C. -- In their never-ending spirit of bipartisanship, republican senate leader Mitch McConnell (R - Ky) unveiled today the republican health care amendments known as "Republicare.""We are happy to announce our plan and reach across the aisle today," said McConnell. "And by aisle, we mean Olympia Snowe."The 1776-page bill, back-dated to July 4th and delivered inside large tea bags to senate members, is the largest passive-aggressive amendment introduced to the senate since the south said, "just kidding" after the Civil War.The most controversial…

  • Maclaren Recalls 1 Million Strollers; Parents Scramble to Find Overpriced Alternative

    Free-Ass. Press
    10 Nov 2009 | 3:00 am
    Posted: On 1 million too many registries BABYLAND, USA -- Parents who enjoy unnecessarily paying too much for items that can be had for one-third of the price were scrambling yesterday to find a suitably overpriced alternative when Maclaren USA recalled more than a million of its single and double strollers sold since 1999. The recall came following 12 different incidents of children losing a finger from a poorly designed hinge mechanism on Maclaren's umbrella-style strollers. In a written statement, the U.S. Consumer Products Safety Commission said that the strollers' hinge mechanism "should…

  • Maine: "I'm Not Gay, I Totally Digs Chicks, So F**k Off!"

    Free-Ass. Press
    5 Nov 2009 | 3:00 am
    Posted: After one step forward MAINE, Maine -- In a surprising twist of election events, the state of Maine voted to repeal a law that legalized gay marriage in the state. Maine Governor John Baldacci announced the results yesterday in a press conference held outside a Hooters restaurant in Augusta. "On behalf of the state of Maine, I declare that we don't think there's anything wrong with being gay," said Baldacci. "But we're not gay, OK? So stop asking. Take that s**t to Vermont." Balducci then stood on top of a table and gave out a giant "Yee-haw!" "Now one of these wicked hot waitresses…
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    Special Kind of Stupid

  • Rest in peace, Daniel Webb

    kev
    20 Nov 2009 | 12:53 pm
    A friend once asked me for relationship advice. Specifically, this friend wanted to know how far is too far when it comes to pursuing a love interest, and when is it best to just move on. Even though this was the equivalent of asking a toddler for advice on how to hit a curveball, I did my best. I said (paraphrasing): “I can only tell you how I would handle it. Personally, I would climb a mountain in order to be with a girl I considered worthy. I would brave the elements, bears, wolves and even the possibility of falling to my death in order to get to the top. However, if every time…

  • The upside of a spotless criminal record

    kev
    19 Nov 2009 | 2:40 pm
    At lunch today, I saw something I’ve never seen before in my life. Something I didn’t think actually existed. Something I thought only existed in movies and television (and the dreams of teenage boys). I saw… An attractive, female police officer. (What? Don’t look at me like that. Am I not allowed to notice pretty girls? This is America, right? Surely you all aren’t questioning my Constitutional right to notice pretty girls!) What’s the big deal, you ask? First of all, female cops in general are a rarity where I live. How rare are they? Well, they’re…

  • The upside of being scammed

    kev
    18 Nov 2009 | 2:39 pm
    My mind is incredibly random. One moment I’m sitting at my desk in my office doing some work. The next moment I’m pondering the possibility of still being single a decade from now. The next moment I’m debating whether or not to let the ant crawling on my desk live. And the next moment I’m reading a ridiculous junk e-mail and thinking of sarcastic remarks I could make at the writer’s expense. Wait, I should back up. When I started writing conservative political articles for Examiner a few weeks back, at first I included my e-mail address in my bio. It made sense…

  • The upside of a liberal media

    kev
    17 Nov 2009 | 2:06 pm
    Newsweek magazine, apparently unable to hide its bias, has sparked controversy by choosing a most peculiar photo of Sarah Palin for its latest cover. The controversy? For the cover, Newsweek used a photo of Palin wearing running shorts that show off the former governor of Alaska’s legs. Why did Sarah Palin pose in running shorts for Newsweek magazine, you ask? She didn’t. The photo was taken for an article Palin did for the August 2009 issue of Runner’s World. Palin, of course, is outraged. Said Palin on her Facebook: “The out-of-context Newsweek approach is sexist and…

  • Phoning it in: Fat Venezuelans, chicken biscuits & irony

    kev
    16 Nov 2009 | 9:08 am
    Since I’m fairly certain the only remaining readers I have live in correctional facilities, I figured it was time I updated my blog. Making those guys unhappy is a bad idea. Here are three topics that have been on my mind lately. Enjoy (and please don’t hurt me). I Guess Cause They’re Such Easy, Big Targets? On Wednesday, Venezuela made the news when it destroyed more than 30,000 guns it had seized during police raids. On Friday, Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez made news when, in a televised speech, he said there were “lots of fat people” in Venezuela. He went…
 
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    Lolcats 'n' Funny Pictures of Cats - I Can Has Cheezburger?

  • If you close it

    Cheezburger Network
    22 Nov 2009 | 3:00 am
    If you close it they will come. knock knock. anywun home? (ICHC video) Picture by: dunno source Caption by: Fauxpaws via Advanced Lol Builder » Recaption This! » View All Captions

  • I wonder how long

    Cheezburger Network
    21 Nov 2009 | 5:00 pm
    I wonder how long it will take him to relize i’m just gonna push him back down? y r kittehs sew ebil? Picture by: dunno source Caption by: Katelolz via Advanced Lol Builder » Recaption This! » View All Captions

  • OH OH OH

    Cheezburger Network
    21 Nov 2009 | 3:00 pm
    OH OH OH I’Z NO DEH ANSWER u iz such a noe it awl. Picture by: me Caption by: tdifan9204 via Our LOL Builder » Recaption This! » View All Captions

  • I miss yur old

    Cheezburger Network
    21 Nov 2009 | 11:00 am
    I miss yur old boyfriend… the one who duzn’t like kittehs. but we awlredde “took care” of him. Picture by: dunno source Caption by: sheilaf via Advanced Lol Builder » Recaption This! » View All Captions

  • Itteh bitteh kitteh committeh’s

    Cheezburger Network
    21 Nov 2009 | 7:00 am
    Itteh bitteh kitteh committeh’s bed is startin to get too itteh when do i git mah own room? Picture by: dunno source Caption by: dunno source via Advanced Lol Builder » Recaption This! » View All Captions
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    Bill Scheft: ABlog the Author

  • Slow news day....

    20 Nov 2009 | 6:21 pm
    This afternoon, Adrianne and I taped Randy Cohen’s “The Ethicist” podcast for the New York Times website. He takes a picture of everyone who does the podcast wearing the same headset, frames it, and lines the walls of his bathroom with the photos. The podcast won’t be up until next Friday, but until then, enjoy me doing a guy waiting for his dentures to be repaired…. Randy Cohen is a former Letterman writer, and may be the wittiest Communist I know. He has been doing The Ethicist column in the Sunday Times magazine for ten years now, which is beyond impressive, especially when you…

  • One more thing from New Year's Eve, 1986 or 1987....

    18 Nov 2009 | 3:52 am
    …I just remembered. The key with Larry David (who did not smoke pot), even back then, was to ask him questions about himself as if it was an interview. So, I say, “Larry, what would you say your best quality is?” “My best quality? I would have to say it’s the ability to continue eating no matter how disgusting the conversation around me is.” (It helps if you imagine Larry David’s voice for that line. If you need help, here’s me imitating him on Letterman last April….Cue it up to 3:50-5:03) Oh yeah, and speaking of Trivial Pursuit, I neglected to mention Jon Hayman’s most…

  • I met Ken Ober around 1984....

    17 Nov 2009 | 3:48 pm
    …at a club in the Village called The Other End, which was The Bitter End and then was renamed The Bitter End. No, that’s wrong. I met him a couple of blocks over at a club called The Paper Moon, which became The Boston Comedy Club and was run by, of all people, Eddie Brill, a comic who has been doing the warm-up at the Late Show for the last dozen years. Ober was a nice guy, originally from Boston (The Paper Moon was started to give comics from Boston a place to work in New York.) and we bonded immediately over the Red Sox and Celtics and the fact that we were the same age. He was, like a…

  • What do you say we plug somebody else?

    14 Nov 2009 | 8:06 am
    If you love topical jokes about sports and you have The Twitter installed, please sup on my friend and colleague, Late Show co-head writer Eric Stangel. He can be reached at www.twitter.com/ericstangel . 

  • Okay, now back to shameless self-promotion....

    12 Nov 2009 | 11:41 am
    The boys at Simon and Schuster are getting the paperback ready for this April. You need to turn in the inside blurb page six months ahead. Son of a gun, they found a nice review in Charleston, SC Post and Courier from last June I had not seen. Enjoy….  (By the way, the typos you found were fixed, Cathy….) Right there, that is a gigantic difference between S&S and my old publisher, HarperCollins. There were three factual errors in the cloth edition of TIME WON’T LET ME. They went unchecked. Not thrilled, but it happens. The artist who did my cover found them. I made sure to make…
 
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    Punchline

  • Marc Maron welcomes Maria Bamford, Doug Benson and more on WTF next week

    20 Nov 2009 | 9:24 am
    It’s Friday, folks, which means it’s time for us to let you in on who will be guesting on Marc Maron’s podcast WTF next week. As a sponsor of the show and dedicated fans of the WTF cause, we’re proud to do it. So here it is. Janeane Garofalo makes her second appearance on WTF and the huge live WTF show recorded at the UCB theater in Los Angeles goes down with Maria Bamford, Doug Benson, Whitney Cummings, Jim Earl, Chris Hardwick and the mighty Eddie Pepitone. Go to iTunes and subscribe to the cast and visit the official site wtfpod.com for all of your WTF needs. And…

  • Marc Maron welcomes Maria Bamford, Doug Benson and more on WTF next week

    20 Nov 2009 | 9:24 am
    It’s Friday, folks, which means it’s time for us to let you in on who will be guesting on Marc Maron’s podcast WTF next week. As a sponsor of the show and dedicated fans of the WTF cause, we’re proud to do it. So here it is. Janeane Garofalo makes her second appearance on WTF and the huge live WTF show recorded at the UCB theater in Los Angeles goes down with Maria Bamford, Doug Benson, Whitney Cummings, Jim Earl, Chris Hardwick and the mighty Eddie Pepitone. Go to iTunes and subscribe to the cast and visit the official site wtfpod.com for all of your WTF needs. And…

  • Marc Maron welcomes Maria Bamford, Doug Benson and more on WTF next week

    20 Nov 2009 | 9:24 am
    It’s Friday, folks, which means it’s time for us to let you in on who will be guesting on Marc Maron’s podcast WTF next week. As a sponsor of the show and dedicated fans of the WTF cause, we’re proud to do it. So here it is. Janeane Garofalo makes her second appearance on WTF and the huge live WTF show recorded at the UCB theater in Los Angeles goes down with Maria Bamford, Doug Benson, Whitney Cummings, Jim Earl, Chris Hardwick and the mighty Eddie Pepitone. Go to iTunes and subscribe to the cast and visit the official site wtfpod.com for all of your WTF needs. And…

  • Marc Maron welcomes Maria Bamford, Doug Benson and more on WTF next week

    20 Nov 2009 | 9:24 am
    It’s Friday, folks, which means it’s time for us to let you in on who will be guesting on Marc Maron’s podcast WTF next week. As a sponsor of the show and dedicated fans of the WTF cause, we’re proud to do it. So here it is. Janeane Garofalo makes her second appearance on WTF and the huge live WTF show recorded at the UCB theater in Los Angeles goes down with Maria Bamford, Doug Benson, Whitney Cummings, Jim Earl, Chris Hardwick and the mighty Eddie Pepitone. Go to iTunes and subscribe to the cast and visit the official site wtfpod.com for all of your WTF needs. And…

  • Marc Maron welcomes Maria Bamford, Doug Benson and more on WTF next week

    20 Nov 2009 | 9:24 am
    It’s Friday, folks, which means it’s time for us to let you in on who will be guesting on Marc Maron’s podcast WTF next week. As a sponsor of the show and dedicated fans of the WTF cause, we’re proud to do it. So here it is. Janeane Garofalo makes her second appearance on WTF and the huge live WTF show recorded at the UCB theater in Los Angeles goes down with Maria Bamford, Doug Benson, Whitney Cummings, Jim Earl, Chris Hardwick and the mighty Eddie Pepitone. Go to iTunes and subscribe to the cast and visit the official site wtfpod.com for all of your WTF needs. And…
 
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    Predator Press

  • Mister Flirtypants

    LOBO
    20 Nov 2009 | 7:55 pm
    Predator Press [LOBO] I’m not exactly one of those priss readers that needs total tranquility. In fact, quite the contrary -one of the few benefits I got from college was an ability to study virtually anywhere; at the paltry price of $50,000, I could probably read retentively at a mortar range in full swing. What I can’t do is resist writing. And for some reason reading –particularly reading something good- gives me that "itch." It's like a switch gets thrown, but the subsequent current isn't one-way like it's supposed to be; the computer, in this sense, becomes something that needs to…

  • The Road to a Woman's Heart

    LOBO
    19 Nov 2009 | 7:08 pm
    Predator Press [LOBO] “Alright,” I says, setting the phone on the counter so I can get back to the thick, red simmer. “The hamburger was done, so I went ahead and added the two cans of sauce.” I’m a little surprised I don’t mind learning to cook -but then again, I’m not proud I don’t have a job either. ”And you already cooked the pasta?” Terri squawks over the speakerphone. “Yeah,” I says, talking sideways as I drain it. “I wouldn’t have called, but I don’t know if you need to add anything. I can take it off the heat until you get here.” Terri just got…

  • 9/11 Trials: Now All We Need Is A Jury

    LOBO
    18 Nov 2009 | 9:37 am
    Predator Press [LOBO] So where do we get twelve people that don’t know about September 11? “Juror Number Nine,” says the attorney, pushing his glasses back on his nose. “Where exactly have you been for the last eight years?” “I was chained down in a hole, where a masked French guy in a dress fired a staple gun at me while singing show tunes.” “Okay you're cool,” says the attorney, checking a box on his clipboard. “How about you Number Ten?” “I was firing staples and singing show tunes at a gentleman I had chained down in a hole.” “Nice dress,” observes the…

  • Christmas? AGAIN!?

    LOBO
    17 Nov 2009 | 10:51 am
    Predator Press [LOBO] I told Terri we shouldn't take last year's Christmas tree down -and just like I predicted, pow, they're havin another one already. [*sigh*] ... Our lives would be so much easier if she just listened to me once in a while.

  • So Long, Suckers -I'm RICH!

    LOBO
    16 Nov 2009 | 1:17 pm
    -or "Disposable Outcome" Predator Press [LOBO] From: CBN (cntrlbankofnigeria@gmail.com) Sent: Mon 11/16/09 1:36 AM To: [none] Good day, This is to notify you that after we met today with The President,Finance Minister,The senators,House of Representative and The Central Bank Governor and we came to a conclusion that we have to pay you the sum of USD1.5M. The payment will be via ATM CARD,therefore send your name and address/tel. number. Your immediate respond is urgently needed. Mailafia. From: LOBO Sent: Tues 11/17/09 8:36 PM To: From cbn (cntrlbankofnigeria@gmail.com) Dearest Mailifia, First…
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    Funny Or Die

  • Rusty Meets Draguta

    Transylmania
    21 Nov 2009 | 2:12 pm
    Rusty Meets Draguta 0:55 Rusty meets his Internet girlfriend, Draguta. Submitted by: Transylmania) Kinda Cute Keywords: transylmania vampire movie comedy college student David Hillenbrand Scott Hillenbrand Patrick Cavanaugh James DeBello Tony Denman Paul H. Kim Jennifer Lyons Oren Skoog Irena A. Hoffman Views: 487

  • Mother Nature's Punch Out #1

    thatguy455
    19 Nov 2009 | 10:41 am
    Mother Nature's Punch Out #1 1:29 You've got to be tough to survive in the wild, which means animal fighters are, pound-for-pound, some of the toughest creatures Mother Nature has to offer. Submitted by: thatguy455) Kinda Cute Keywords: nick ross asylum all mashed up tiger bear monkey cougar mother nature's punch out Views: 149

  • Twilight Cycles

    Brandon Routh
    18 Nov 2009 | 7:39 pm
    Twilight Cycles 1:51 Don't let that time interfere with your relationship with your vampire boyfriend. Submitted by: Brandon Routh) Chosen One Keywords: twilight new moon brandon routh martha macisaac liz meriwether vampires exclusive commercial parody female feminine hygiene product Views: 86,325

  • World's Longest Basketball Shot

    BloomingtonBros
    18 Nov 2009 | 2:47 pm
    World's Longest Basketball Shot 2:14 The Bloomington Bros. attempt the impossible! Submitted by: BloomingtonBros) Kinda Cute Keywords: bloomingtonbros bloomington bros matt houchin ross mcnamara web series worlds longest basketball shot amazing sports feat awesome bikini sexy Views: 355

  • Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis

    Between Two Ferns
    16 Nov 2009 | 4:40 pm
    Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifian... 4:05 Episode 7: Zach sits down with the host of the Tonight Show, Conan O'Brien, and his announcer, Andy Richter. Submitted by: Between Two Ferns) Chosen One Keywords: Between Two Ferns Zach Galifianakis Conan O'Brien Andy Richter The Tonight Show Scott Aukerman Two Ferns Hangover Comedy Death Ray Interview 2 ferns between 2 ferns smurf Views: 358,621
 
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    Jokers Joke

  • SNL Skit: Bunny Business: The Soundtrack

    14 Nov 2009 | 3:00 pm
    The subject wasn't that funny but thankfully the artist impresonations were. Kristen Wiig does a hilarious Natalie Merchant. Taylor Swift also does a great Shakira. Take a look: Permalink | Our News Feeds

  • Halloween Prank: Fake Trick or Treater

    2 Nov 2009 | 12:00 pm
    Here is a very tricky prank: the fake trick or treater. Take a look: Permalink | Our News Feeds

  • Jetsons Theme Song Extended

    25 Oct 2009 | 7:00 pm
    The Jetsons Theme Song gets extended in this version from College Humor. You can also the watch video here on YouTube. Permalink | Our News Feeds

  • Tracy Morgan Starts Tweeting

    10 Oct 2009 | 12:00 pm
    Tracy Morgan has joined Twitter after being encourage to do so by a website called Twacy.org. You can follow Tracy on Twitter at @RealTracyMorgan. Permalink | Our News Feeds

  • Twitter Killer: Duck-Clown-Fern

    30 Sep 2009 | 4:00 pm
    An animated Ashton Kutcher shares a new "Twitter killer" social network in this video from Popzilla. It's a new social network called Duck-Clown-Fern where you are only allowed to share images of a duck, a clown or a fern to explain how you are doing. If only social networks could be so simple. Permalink | Our News Feeds
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    the Ominous Comma

  • Visible Schoool – Mind Over Memphis: Episode Two

    Brent
    17 Nov 2009 | 9:21 am
    In which Doctor Harold Toboggans, scourge of Memphis, interrogates Ken Steorts about Visible School, the pursuit of dreams, and other delusions of adequacy. See it now. Mind Over Memphis – Visible School Related posts:Nightshade Manor – Mind Over Memphis: Episode OneMind Over Memphis PreviewBreaking the Fourth Wall – An Open Letter to the Internet

  • Awakening At Last

    Brent
    10 Nov 2009 | 7:46 pm
    I woke with a start, my sleep shattered like a fortune cookie in a sledgehammer factory. Wiping the crusts from my eyes, my mind filled with the usual questions: How long had I been out? Where did October go? And worst of all… Why were Doctor Toboggans‘ clothes strewn all over my house? I wasn’t sure I wanted the answers. ….Unless of course I could somehow blame LOBO. Related posts:HACK – A Guest Post of Victorious DominanceSanity – Too Good to LastCarping Diem: Canceled

  • Blagggghhhhh – A Complete and Utter Loss of Motivation

    Brent
    8 Nov 2009 | 3:36 pm
    I don’t want to write right now. And of all the many things I don’t want to write at this moment, I think what I most not want to write is this sentence right here. I hate this sentence. Everything about it. Its length, its wording, that fact that it’s coming from my keyboard. I despise it all. And if there is anything on this entire planet that I hate more that that sentence up there, I think it must be this one right here. Because the only thing worse than a despicable series of phrases, is a second one, drawing attention to the first. In fact, it wouldn’t be too…

  • Answers to Questions People May or May Not be Asking

    Brent
    26 Oct 2009 | 3:58 pm
    Every so often I like to pause the slow creaking machinery of this publication in order to answer certain burning hypothetical questions which, at least theoretically, could be troubling the minds of readers everywhere. Here we go… Yes, I’m still alive. No, I haven’t been writing here very often. Yes, I still love you. No, you can’t move in. Yes , I’m still busy fixing this site, promoting the Mind Over Memphis videos, and doing all the things I whined about here. No, I didn’t run out of ideas. Yes, time and energy are in short supply lately. 421 Yes, the Hot…

  • Nightshade Manor – Mind Over Memphis: Episode One

    Brent
    15 Oct 2009 | 4:02 pm
    In which the bane of my existence, Doctor Harold Toboggans, attempts to cure Kevin Gaiman of Nightshade Manor from the horrible “curse” of donating food to the Mid-South Food Bank. See it for yourself at: Mind Over Memphis – Nightshade Manor Related posts:Breaking the Fourth Wall – An Open Letter to the InternetMind Over Memphis PreviewBack in the Saddle
 
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    Mattress Police

  • Announcing the Great Mercury Falls Twitter Giveaway!

    20 Nov 2009 | 5:36 am
    Today at 2pm PST I'll be announcing details of a contest wherein I will be giving away 5 signed copies of Mercury Falls. The only catch is that you have to be following me on Twitter to play.Follow me now!This giveaway is courtesy of my generous new mattress-themed sponsor. Click one of the links below to show your support!TempurpedicAdjustable Bed

  • Mercury Falls is #16 in humor books for Kindle!

    18 Nov 2009 | 12:37 pm
    A day after lowering the price for the Kindle version to $1.99, Mercury Falls is now at #16 in the Humor category for Kindle ebooks! Check it out: Look, I know I should be all cool-author-guy and stuff, but HOW SWEET IS THAT? I know you're probably thinking, "Sure, #16 is pretty good, but don't you think you should be up there above The World's Greatest Books Volume 01 Fiction by some poser named 'Various'?" I mean, it's only got 2 stars, for Pete's sake! How great can it be? Sure, it's free, which is a little tough to compete with, but I expect a little more from you, Mr. KROO-zee, if that…

  • Angels and Monkeys: My Conversation with Mark Rayner

    17 Nov 2009 | 5:30 am
    As the MF'ing Blog Tour nears its end, I decided to do something a bit different today. What follows is a conversation I recently had with the author of the new novel Marvellous Hairy, Mark Rayner. As Mercury Falls and Marvellous Hairy are both absurdist satirical novels (his publisher calls it "fabulist satire," and who am I to argue?), I thought it would be interesting for us to sit down and discuss our respective writing processes and fetishes (primates for him, angels and linoleum for me). The second half of this conversation will appear on Mark's blog, The Skwib. UPDATE: READ THE…

  • MF'ing Blog Tour Update

    16 Nov 2009 | 7:39 am
    I'm over at Avitable's place today. Caution: The tagline of Avitable's blog is "tact is for pussies," which may give you an idea of the sort of content you'll find over there.Meet me back here tomorrow for the first part of a conversation with Mark Rayner, author of Marvellous Hairy.A few other Mercury Falls-related items:I just lowered the price of the Mercury Falls ebook on Smashwords to $1.99. Why? Because even though I am now a "local famous author," I still feel for the little man.* You can get it in PDF, Kindle, Stanza, Sony Reader, and several other formats. I'm working on lowering the…

  • My Appearance on "Good Day Sacramento"

    15 Nov 2009 | 5:45 am
    If the video doesn't load, go here.
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    15 Minute Lunch

  • Hanna-Barbera got it wrong. Who knew?

    13 Nov 2009 | 2:21 pm
    It's been an interesting week. I was working from home last Friday and while I was in my office, I heard a crashing noise. I was on the phone and figured one of the cats had knocked something over, so I didn't think much about it.About a half hour later, Jesse, our Siamese, limped in to the office and sat there on his back legs like a woodchuck. I picked him up and flipped him over and instantly knew what happened. He had jumped up on the top of the blazing wood stove, apparently not knowing that hot=pain.All the tough outer skin on his paw pads was blistered off and hanging, and underneath…

  • Watch this space.

    11 Nov 2009 | 2:02 pm
    Two things that made me laugh out loud in the last few days -- first, this incredibly well-targeted e-mail that I received because of my "ahead of the curve" blog. (click for larger image):I only have a few comments about this:1. Their users are clearly effed in the head.2. The reviewing editors need to cut down on the weed when they are doing their reviews.3. I am totally getting a Top Science Blogs banner for this place.Secondly, today I bought a practice test from a place called Cert FX to study for a Blackberry server exam I have to take before the end of the year. This was an actual…

  • Doctor my eyes.

    8 Nov 2009 | 1:16 pm
    Are all eye-doctors a little crazy? Is there something about spending most of your work day in a dark little room with your face three inches from someone you just met 30 seconds ago that eventually makes you turn into some sort of white-coated psychopath who wants to collect skin suits? Or is that creepiness factor the main reason you became an eye doctor to begin with? I'm just curious because it seems like every time I get my eyes checked at a Lenscraft or a Dinapoli because I can't get into see my regular eye doctor, I end up with one of these fruit loops.The dude who ended up doing my…

  • Reason #3,983 that I am a computer geek and not a mechanical engineer.

    31 Oct 2009 | 11:14 am
    It's sad, but usually when I screw something up in real life like this, my first thought is Edit, Undo.come visit http://15minutelunch.blogspot.com. We miss you.

  • Tall Boys and Big Mouths: Part II

    28 Oct 2009 | 6:25 pm
    If you missed part I, it's here. Go ahead, read it. We'll wait.OK, where were we? Oh yes, Part II. And then we got grounded. The End.No, actually I think we were stumbling drunkenly down the street, heading toward the new construction. We had cracked open two more cans and even though it was a pretty dead subdivision as far as vehicle traffic goes, we were still a little freaked out carrying cans of beer, so every time a car came, we assumed it was a cop and we'd run and hide behind a bush or a parked car.At one point we were running across a lawn trying to dodge a car, and at the last second…
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    A Whole Lot of Nothing

  • She’d do it all.

    Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]
    19 Nov 2009 | 5:15 pm
    I’ve been mulling over what to write for two days. I don’t usually do that. Normally, I don’t have much to write about, so I pull something out of my arse at the last minute and put up my moment of genius. Obviously. I have a tendency to have diarrhea of the mouth try to bring the LOLs to bad situations. Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I fail. Anissa would totally tell me I’d fail. Then she’d tell me to go whine into Ralph Macchio’s twitter stream, but to make sure I included her twitter name in the tweet so he’d see her. Then she’d check her…

  • Aiming to a Higher Power for Anissa

    Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]
    17 Nov 2009 | 7:53 pm
    This may not be the best quality photo, but when you’re with Anissa, you know this is her – how she is, how we love her, her true smile. Please go to the Aiming Low “Hope for Anissa” post to leave comments or links for Anissa. If you cannot get through to the Aiming Low site, the information is being updated on Heather’s blog as well: http://bit.ly/3w3Fkk Anissa, I believe in you and know you will get through this. Thank you for believing me, for trusting me, for allowing me to be a part of your dream. Love, Your Beeshy Mo’fo <a…

  • Top Five Benefits to Having Children

    Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]
    17 Nov 2009 | 7:13 am
    We all know the standard reasons why people want to have children: undying love, smiles when you enter the room, looking at the world through their eyes. You know, the good stuff you expect. I love it. I love my girls. I love everything my girls provide for me. Once your have your kids, there are benefits you didn’t know you were going to reap when you produced the kidlets. Benefits that are primarily for your own comfort and enhance your life. 1) Fetching beers – Shortly after your kids start walking, you can start teaching them how to open and close the refrigerator. It’s…

  • All I want for Christmas is Nanerpus

    Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]
    14 Nov 2009 | 6:44 pm
    Last February during the Super Bowl, Denny’s bravely paid millions of dollars to put up the greatest commercial known to man. The commercial I cannot get enough of. The commercial I still sing aloud. Nanerpus. I put up a post the night of the Super Bowl touting the awesome that is the Nanerpus, and the search term “Nannerpuss” (sic) is STILL a top 5 keyword for finding my blog. That shows me that 1) I’m awesome at SEO, and 2) there are so many more awesome people out there on the interwebs craving the Nanerpus. For funsies (and why not on a Saturday night?), I went to…

  • I’m completely lucky to get the new HP Fancy Pants printer

    Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]
    13 Nov 2009 | 7:24 am
    I’ll just say it. I lucked out. Completely. I was/am lucky enough to be given the new HP Photosmart Premium TouchSmart Web All-in-One Printer. (Try saying that 3 times…) Being a writer for Aiming Low has its many privileges. In receiving the printer, I was asked to write an honest, personal review of the printer as I use it in my home and with my business. That’s good, because it’s hard for me to NOT be honest. I’m a horrible actress. I’m also a horrible joke-teller, but that’s for another day. That said, I LOVE THIS PRINTER. I’m considering…
 
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    View from the Cloud

  • ... which will be good experience if I ever want to become an undertaker

    Jeff
    20 Nov 2009 | 6:24 pm
    It was subtle, almost imperceptible - yet I knew something was there. Almost like the way the light from a faint star disappears when you look directly at it, yet you can see it in your peripheral vision when you look away. But every time I opened up the kitchen pantry door, there it was... a slight whiff of something. Eh... must be some odd mix of spices and dry goods I told myself. But then this morning I decided to investigate further. I started at the top. Sniff, sniff. Nothing there. Then the 2nd, 3rd and 4th shelves. Nothing again. Finally I knelt down, twisted my neck to the right…

  • Ten Questions with Jeff

    Jeff
    18 Nov 2009 | 10:30 am
    My recent interview with Diesel was so much fun that I decided I wanted to do more interviews. Unfortunately, I didn't actually ask anyone else if they wanted to be interviewed - so that makes it a little tough. Then I remembered this post from 2 years ago where I simply interviewed myself, and  how huge of a hit that was. Problem solved!  So here I am again, chatting with myself. Enjoy. #1 Sup. Not much, sup with you? #2  Last I heard you were looking for a new job. How's that working out for you? Well, in the last month I've applied for 23 jobs. Miraculously, 9 of them have…

  • Mystery Monday

    Jeff
    16 Nov 2009 | 2:18 pm
    You ever see those puzzles where they show you two pictures side by side and you have to try to figure out what is different about them? Well I've got a good one for you. Here are two different photos of Austin, virtually indistinguishable in every way. But I've added some subtle differences to fool you. See if you can spot them. I know... this is a tough one. It's like you're looking at the same picture twice. Well, let me help you out. What's Different? 1. The hat 2. The extra shirt 3. The picture over the other shoulder 4. The crucifix 5. The hand railing Oh, and one more slight…

  • My spam has a certain appeal

    Jeff
    14 Nov 2009 | 7:36 am
    Hmm.... I'm a little confused by this solicitation spam I received in the mail yesterday. First of all, why did they circle the $100 box? I understand how subliminal suggestions are supposed to work, but did they really think this was going to sway me to donate $100? Where's the 25¢ box? I think I might be able to get behind that one. Then, in an attempt to woo me into donating, they included this shiny metal angel medallion. Granted, I did become a fan here, but please remind me again... how is this supposed to encourage me to donate? I suppose I could use it at Chuck-E-Cheese to win a…

  • 10 Questions with Rob (Diesel) Kroese

    Jeff
    10 Nov 2009 | 2:07 am
    As many of you know, my friend Rob (Diesel) Kroese (pronounced KROO-see for some unknown reason) recently published his first novel, Mercury Falls. Mercury Falls is an extremely clever and surprisingly deep book about how the Apocalypse is supposed to unfold, and the characters who are unfolding it. What's not surprising is why it's clever and deep. I've been following Diesel as a blogger for several years and find him to be one of the wittiest, smartest and most snarkastic humorists in the business - which is exactly what you want in an author of a novel about a smartass Angel who is…
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    Franchise Follies

  • New Coaching Franchise; C4FC's

    The Franchise King
    11 Nov 2009 | 5:47 am
    Tad SweetbreathFranchise coaching veteran Tad Sweetbreath has come up with the best idea (In this bloggers opinion) this year.A coaching franchise for franchise coaches.C4FC's is the name of his concept. Snappy, huh?Let's think about this for a moment. If you have read any of the articles about the franchise coaching industry that have been published, you'll notice a common theme; A lot of folks who invested in coaching franchises have either gone out of business, or are struggling. tad knows why; "Joel, they were never trained right, and I aim to change that, " he said.

  • New Competition For Famous Donut Franchise Chain! 1984' Donuts

    The Franchise King
    4 Oct 2009 | 6:34 pm
                       1984This brand new franchise offering is putting a new meaning to the popular online industry buzzword, "transparent." In the internet world, which is full of blogs, wikis, community forums, and the like, the word transparent means that all the folks involved in putting any type of content out online be forthright in the way they are putting said content out. In other words, if a link like this happens to go to a product in which the owner of the blog or…

  • Is Palin Buying A Cold Stone Creamery?

    The Franchise King
    4 Jul 2009 | 10:16 am
    …

  • 1-800 Puke-Off Franchise Sells It's 6th Franchise!

    The Franchise King
    28 Apr 2009 | 7:04 am
    Think about it. How many bar patrons are puking, on an international basis, during the time it will take you to read this important article on a newly launched franchise?                                                                                                         …

  • Cold Pizza's Are Hot Franchises!

    The Franchise King
    20 Mar 2009 | 7:08 am
    {This fantastic article is written by Sean Kelly. I generally approve of his messages. Unless it is a leap year. And I don't approve of this one.}                                                            Mr. KellyAmerican consumers love pizza. …
 
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    Bee's Musings

  • Photo blogging- sort of...

    20 Nov 2009 | 10:32 am
    I'm still sick.I haven't been able to sleep well due to coughing fits so I've been functioning on automatic pilot.Because of that, my blogging time has suffered.[wait for cries of shame to die down]I've decided to take random activities and post about them as if they were the most interesting content to be found on the Internet. Here is the first one:Today I am having a Tex-Mex Chicken panini from Lean Cuisine.I used the knife you see there to cut it in half so that the contents don't end up in my cleavage.What sucks is that now I have to wash the knife with the cheap…

  • This is why I don't like to come in early.

    19 Nov 2009 | 6:31 am
    I've been sitting outside for a half hour, waiting for a key holder to come in and unlock the door.I could have slept for another half an hour and gotten more beauty sleep. At my age, I need all the help I can get

  • Once upon a time there was a family of ugly globs living in my lungs...

    17 Nov 2009 | 8:51 pm
      It all started on Friday THE THIRTEENTH ooh spoooooky! I came down with some bug. Last year I was rarely sick but it seems this year will be the year of the Funkyflus for me. As you may or may not know, you simply cannot be sick while working at the Asylum. People immediately start shielding themselves from you and spraying every area you touch with bleachlike substances. While your hand is still touching the object! I don't know why they treat people like pariahs when they're ill. With the exception of OZ, it's not like we go out licking unsanitary hookers on purpose! So, I decided to…

  • Interview with Robert Kroese author of Mercury Falls.

    12 Nov 2009 | 10:00 pm
        Mercury Falls In full disclosure, I received this book for free from Rob Kroese. This in no way shape or form alters what I would say about the book because I have also been giving free paella and I've never felt the need to lie and say I liked it when in fact it made me want to rip my tongue out of my mouth and then jackhammer it into oblivion. It still makes me shiver! Anyway, here we go: Rob, I was pleasantly surprised to find I really liked your book. Not to say I doubted your talent but I honestly didn't know what to expect. I've read around the Internet where people are…

  • How does a girl spend her 37th birthday? Glad you asked!

    11 Nov 2009 | 10:00 pm
    I woke up bleary eyed and stumbling, as per usual, and received my birthday hug from my Andy along with a beautiful card full of words of love and shmoopiness. Who has 2 thumbs and is blessed to have a great man? [thumbs pointing at myself] This girl! I then went to the mirror to yawn and admire my beauty before I showered and that's when I noticed— Have any of you experienced that eerie feeling of dread when you're brushing your teeth and you're afraid of looking in the mirror because it may not be your face looking back at you but that of a sinister being with shiny red eyes and sharp…
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    Jokes - ArcaMax Publishing

  • Playpen

    The young mom was almost crazy with her three young kids. She complained to her best friend, "They're driving me nuts!! Such pests. They give me no rest and I'm half way to the funny farm." "What you need is a playpen to separate the kids from yourself," her friend said. So she bought a playpen A

  • The Army

    A man was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed the man by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" The man replied, "I'm already in the Army of t

  • Smart Cat

    A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed hom

  • Thinking "Out of the Box"

    Many hundreds of years ago in a small Italian town, a merchant had the misfortune of owing a large sum of money to the moneylender. The moneylender, who was old and ugly, fancied the merchant's beautiful daughter so he proposed a bargain. He said he would forgo the merchant' debt if he could marry

  • Past Stories

 
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    Offbeat Earth

  • Bad Idea, Worse Idea

    admin
    19 Nov 2009 | 9:47 am
    You know, escaping a bull would make Olympic Gymnastics a lot more interesting. And cartwheels in bull fights might make it more fair for the bull.

  • Be Our Pest…

    admin
    17 Nov 2009 | 8:08 am
    A hotel in Nantes, France is offering guests can stay in a hamster suite, complete with a meal of hamster grain, beds of hay, and an exercise excursion on a large wheel. All of this can be yours for 99 euros ($148.10). Or, you could buy a hamster and use your imagination. Click here for a video of this, ahem, unique experience.

  • Cranial Canvases

    admin
    11 Nov 2009 | 6:54 am
    It’s always cute when a child gets a little cat or balloon painted on their face, but leave it to an adult for face painting to become intricate and weird.

  • Scan This

    admin
    10 Nov 2009 | 7:56 am
    Proof that the Japanese can make just about any product cute, these clever (and fully-functioning) bar codes have been added to multiple everyday products for an extra dose of adorable.

  • Toilet Humor

    admin
    6 Nov 2009 | 8:01 am
    Why settle for a plain white toilet in your bathroom (or, anywhere else, I suppose) when you can get one of these creative designs?
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    Standup dad

  • Halloween joke!

    30 Oct 2009 | 3:12 pm
    I think I'm going to dress as a Comcast Cable repairman for...

  • 26 Oct 2009 | 9:03 am

    26 Oct 2009 | 9:03 am
    Thanks to my limited channel selection this week I have learned...

  • I'm still not good at school

    24 Oct 2009 | 12:11 pm
    I volunteered at Johnny's school yesterday. Actually that's not true....

  • Flying stinks sometimes

    12 Sep 2009 | 10:04 pm
    I'm in Cedar Rapids Iowa. Jealous? I made my second appearance on the...

  • Soul II Soul

    9 Aug 2009 | 6:49 pm
    Well my "Live at Gotham" taping went really well. I had a good set. I...
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    Deb on the Rocks

  • Wherein I Prove I Know Everthing About Twilight and New Moon Without Any Research Or Authentic Authority

    Deb
    19 Nov 2009 | 6:09 am
    I talked with a teenaged friend yesterday. She can't believe that I've never read a Twilight book and that I haven't seen the first movie. She is beside herself about the opening of New Moon tomorrow.Her: You are missing out! The books are awesome. You should read them first, then see the movies in order.Me: I'm not missing out. I know all about Twilight from the Internet. Plenty of smart grown women are all about James Pattinson. It's pretty revolting, but I've got the gist of the books through their droolings.Her: It's not the same. The saga is amazing! Romance, adventure, drama,…

  • Free Anissa

    Deb
    18 Nov 2009 | 9:33 am
    Anissa Mayhew is a rockstar blogger, a loving mother, and a fierce survivor. She recently celebrated the triumphant 1-year cancer-free diagnosis for her dear child. She needs another type of triumph, now, too. Anissa suffered a major stroke yesterday and is in serious condition. The blogosphere is holding her close at heart, anxious for encouraging news about this amazing young woman. We've met a few times so far IRL, lucky me, because Anissa gives great hugs and greater insight into this crazy world. My favorite conversation with her has been at BlogHer '09. We talked about humor: hers,…

  • A Place for Everything

    Deb
    3 Nov 2009 | 5:36 pm
    I continue to work on the de-hoarding and organizing. I'm having a hard time of it. So far I've accidentally thrown out my keys and a bag that held the day's mail and two Netflix movies, and I am having a hard time getting rid of books, because what if some evening someone visits and needs to take up the study of aromatherapy or the philosophy of Simone Weil? I might need those books. Someday.I bought some tools to help me get organized, though. In addition to plastic totes and plastic trash bags, I cashed in a gift certificate I won in a contest from Mabel's Labels. One of their product…

  • What Would Don Do? A Halloween Story

    Deb
    2 Nov 2009 | 8:11 am
    Salo and I were driving around on Halloween, rubbing my debit card raw with a slew of errands.Him: Oh, we've got to get candy.Me: I don't want to give out candy.Him: Mom, we need candy.Me: But. We're both going out tonight.Him: Not until late. The little kids come at 6 or 7, that's like 3 hours of trick-or-treaters. We need candy. For the children.Me: Let's just turn out all the lights and read under the covers like last year.Him: Is that what you did last year? That's horrible. I was at Tyler's. Me: Oh, right! Um, I DID give out candy, the good kind. Okay, no I didn't. Him: That's so…

  • Required Writing: Make NaBloPoMo Your Bitch

    Deb
    1 Nov 2009 | 10:57 am
    When I was completing (damn I feel compelled to use unnecessary quotations there) 5 Ways to {Blank} Your Blog I worked with fab Virtual Assistant Michele Wilcox. I sent her the sections, and she organized, proofed and formatted them for me into her design. In one of her notes to me she said something like "Um, you seem to have two chapters on NaBloPoMo. Which one do you want to use?I had written about the damned thing twice. Which either means that National Blog Posting Month is traumatic and my brain tried to protect me from remembering that I had remembered it, or that it's a Very Important…
 
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    Awesomely Luvvie

  • Another Laptop Lollapalooza

    20 Nov 2009 | 7:55 am
    Hey y'all! I got an email from a firm that represents HP computer, asking me if I wanted to do a laptop giveaway for my blog readers. Of course, I said "Yes! Put me on so I can put them on!" Well, I didn't use those words. I actually exercised some couth, but I said "Yes." LuvPrah is IN THE BUILDING! "You get a laptop! And YOU get a laptop!" So here's my 2nd laptop lollapalooza. The first was in August. I got a picture of the brand new HP Pavilion dm3 laptop and it's cool features. It's part of HP's new thin and light line. Comes with:  Segzy, ain't it? Ow Owwww! *10 hours of…

  • Sarah Palin wears bump-its

    19 Nov 2009 | 10:00 pm
    Luvvie's intro: Last, but certainly not least for my Guest Bloggers Week is... *drum roll* THEMBI!!! Woop woop woop!!! She is doper than a crack pipe in Frankie's room, on the corner of a Baltimore street. Yes, she's awesome. She blogs over at What Would Thembi Do, and got more pop culture knowledge than VH1. So glad to have her on here. Also, follow her on Twitter. ***GUEST BLOGGERS WEEK*** Thanks to one of my usual bouts of colored people's timeliness, I was supposed to submit this side-eye piece early Monday. Thank goodness for my Negro bone, because the extra time I needed to pull myself…

  • Omarion's Side-eye

    18 Nov 2009 | 10:00 pm
    Luvvie's intro: Next up is a member of "Aint Got No Damn Sense Inc.", Crystal (aka @Smashedthehomie). She lacks anytime of sense, which is why she gives me LIFE! Her blog is Elegant Ignance. Find her there, and follow her on Twitter. ***GUEST BLOGGERS WEEK*** Remember B2K? That's alright. I don't either, really. They basically boil down to a dramastastic story about a light skinned boy who said Chris Stokes used to diddle in his bootyhole and...Omarion. Did you know that Real (of Real Chance At Love) had a son? Now that the last of that You Got Served check has been spent on go carts and…

  • Get Over Your Color Complex

    17 Nov 2009 | 10:00 pm
    Luvvie's Intro: I needed some testosterone in this estrogen-filled blog, and I figured, what better day to have a man take over my eCrib than on Hump Day? Next up is Leon, comedian extraordinaire and owner of 2 guns he calls arms (Hey Leon, slide me the $5 you promised for that compliment. I take PayPal). His blog is the hilarious "Listen to Leon," and although light skint men ain't been in since acid wash jeans were (iKeed, iKeed), Leon is cooler than orange soda. Follow him on Twitter too! ***GUEST BLOGGERS WEEK*** Get Over Your Color Complex By ListenToLeon Hello readers of Awesomely…

  • Dating Sites FAIL

    16 Nov 2009 | 10:00 pm
    Luvvie's note: Next up is Miss Jia aka Bambi (to me, anyway. She got these long wispy eyelashes. UGH! I can't stand her for them!) Ok, green ain't a good color on me. Jia's one of my faves! Anywho, she's the PERFECT person to give side-eyes to folks because she's uber quick to roll her eyes. Plus she also ain't got good sense. This is why I luh her like a play cousin names Pum'kin. You can also follow her on Twitter. So show some love! ***GUEST BLOGGERS WEEK*** Dating is serious business. No really… I think that my girls and I spend more time coming up with various (legal) ways of meeting…
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    Angry Seafood

  • Web Designer Stole My Rick Astley Virus Bit

    Chris C
    11 Nov 2009 | 3:00 am
    So I was caught by surprise reading the news today about The Rick Astley Virus: “A young Australian web designer has become the first person to create a virus for Apple’s wildly popular iPhone. The worm, known as Ikee, changes the device’s wallpaper to a picture of ’80s singer Rick Astley with the words “Ikee is never gonna give you up” — a reference to Astley’s biggest chart hit — before trying to spread to other devices. “ What?! Seriously?! That’s MY bit! I came up with the idea as a joke in a post in March 2008 about Jesus needing…

  • Congratulations New York Yankees

    Chris C
    5 Nov 2009 | 11:31 pm
    Congratulations to the New York Yankees for winning the World Series. Took you long enough. The last time the team won a World Series was 2000. That’s like forever. How long ago exactly? There are children alive who do not remember a Yankees victory parade. The Red Sox have won two world championships since the Yankees beat the Mets in 2000. Two! A black man has been elected President. Michael Jackson died. Global warming stopped warming. Guns and Roses actually released Chinese Democracy! There was no YouTube. So it’s been a long time and finally the Yankees are champions of the…

  • You Choose The Topic

    Chris C
    4 Nov 2009 | 4:00 pm
    Yes that’s right. I’m ripping off VE’s idea. But not to worry because I have a hole in the sheet which means I can do just about anything. Upright Citizens Brigade Hole in the Sheet www.comedycentral.com Joke of the Day Stand-Up Comedy Free Online Games Readers and fans now it is your turn to choose the content. Here is your opportunity to tell me who or what you would like me to make fun of. Below is a poll with three topics and a fourth write-in spot for any creative people out there with an idea. The one with the most votes is the topic for the post on Monday, November…

  • Looking Back November 2008

    Chris C
    1 Nov 2009 | 3:00 am
    Welcome to Looking Back, Angry Seafood’s new monthly trip into the archives. This time around we take a look back at November 2008. Bloggers Speak Bloggers Speak: Im Sure I Dont Know Part Two Bloggers Speak: Im Sure I Dont Know Part One Bloggers Speak: Muskrat Bloggers Speak: Taunt Vortex Miscellany of Humor Randomness of Humor First Thanksgiving Was A Riot Contest Winners What in The Wide World of Sports Is Going On? Win a Copy of is it me or is everything shit? Book Review: is it me or is everything shit? Oops I Did It Again Marketing Madness Two Trick or Treating in a Liberal Town…

  • Angry Seafood Turns Two Years Old

    Chris C
    28 Oct 2009 | 4:02 pm
    October 28, 2007. A date that will live in infamy. Well not the war kind of infamy unless you mean an undeclared conflict on the dumbest hobby ever, Contact Juggling. (So far there have been two battles and I’m pretty sure I’m winning.) Infamy as in the day I started Angry Seafood two years ago, unleashing my cynical viewpoints and odd sense of humor upon humanity. Like a rip in the space-time continuum this blog brought down the standards and decency of the entire humor blog universe, something that can never be repaired. I think that was noticeable early on, in the days when the…
 
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    EveryJoe » Computers

  • Spoon – Delivering Apps On the Web

    Jason Bean
    18 Nov 2009 | 8:47 pm
    There’s proliferation of more and more accessible Internet connectivity, expanding bandwidth availability and movement of more services to the "cloud". Being connected everywhere makes the desire to be able to have "your" stuff everywhere more of a reality. The Spoon website and service provides the ability to access and deliver applications instantly with no downloads, installs, or hassles. [On a side note, this seems a little odd because you do have to install a the Spoon plug-in for everything to work.] Spoon specializes in app virtualization and delivery…

  • Google Android Camera Focusing Issue

    Jason Bean
    18 Nov 2009 | 7:52 pm
    A couple of my friends have the new Android phone and I’ve got to say, from the little bit of time I’ve spent playing around with them, it’s a nice phone. There are a number of apps available and it’s got some nice media coverage. It’s from Google so you know the phone’s gotta be perfect right? Umm… It appears that users are experiencing a little bit of an issue with the camera that’s part of the Android phone. The Android’s 5-megapixel camera’s auto-focus feature isn’t always working. You’d think it might be some kind of…

  • Free Wi-Fi from Google This Holiday Season

    Jason Bean
    18 Nov 2009 | 7:47 am
    Will you be on the road traveling this holiday season? If so, you could take advantage of a gift of free wi-fi from Google in 47 of the nation’s airports this Christmas season. Everything is in partnership with the Climate Savers Computing organization and is an effort to raise money for their cause. Those travelers that have the opportunity to take advantage of a free wi-fi connection will also be able to donate money to the Climate Savers Computing efforts to move toward a clean, sustainable economy through energy-efficient computing. “We encourage all air travelers to use the…

  • Free Apps for Writing Regular Expressions

    Jason Bean
    17 Nov 2009 | 6:29 pm
    In my recent explorations into the world of writing “regular expressions” I came across a couple of different applications that are supposed to make it easier for you to write and test your expressions. I didn’t have that much luck as the applications weren’t really as helpful as I had anticipated or really needed. It’s been awhile since I’ve come across something that’s made me feel completely ignorant, but regular expressions seems to be the winner lately. The two apps I found are completely free and give you quite a bit of assistance and guidance…

  • Email Alias / Forwarders A No-No?

    Jason Bean
    17 Nov 2009 | 4:50 pm
    I received an email today from a hosting company that one of my clients uses saying that they were no longer going to allow usage of email aliases anymore. In the email they stated that the usage of the aliases may cause their servers to be listed as spammers. I’ve never heard of this being an issue with servers, so it was a bit of a surprise for me. I’ve been using and recommending using email aliases and forwarders for years. I’ve never read anything else about using them causing spam or causing the email servers to be listed as spammers either. Has anyone else heard of…
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    Can O' Whup-Ass

  • Ask Aunt Betsy: Yahtzee-Yahtzee-Yahtzee!!

    Whup-Ass Master
    21 Nov 2009 | 1:14 pm
    Well howdy-dowdy-doodle-all-day! Goodness, it's been a LONG time since I, America's most socially irresponsible advice columnist , sat down at my formica-and-naugahyde "house beautiful" dinette set, seasonably festooned with a turquoise and mauve butter-churn-and-cornucopia-themed table cloth. You've missed me desperately....

  • A Brief Note of Friendly Concern: Dear Lady Gaga

    Whup-Ass Master
    8 Nov 2009 | 10:14 am
    Um...Lady? Ms. Gaga? Hi. May we call you Ga? Why are you staring at us? Is that a "no"? So, what do you say we hop the next spaceship to Planet Claire and order a pitcher of Supernovatinis? Or we...

  • Vi Blattner's Wild Ride: A Totally True Story

    Whup-Ass Master
    1 Nov 2009 | 3:49 pm
    As devoted readers recall, our retarded childhood was set in a lovely mountain town. Think "Stand by Me" without Kiefer Sutherland or train tracks (albeit leeches played an unfortunate cameo). We were lucky enough to live within walking distance to...

  • A Letter to Tanya C. Butz, Outraged Virginia Woman

    Whup-Ass Master
    24 Oct 2009 | 11:09 am
    Dear Outraged Virginia Woman, First, since your name is missing from every account we could find, we've decided your name is Tanya C. Butz. According to the story, early one morning you were walking your sensitive son to school when...

  • Olly-Olly-Oxenfree!!

    Whup-Ass Master
    18 Oct 2009 | 4:45 pm
    When we sat down today to blog (an verb which sounds like it should involve a magazine and a roll of charmin), we couldn't decide which ass to whup. There's so many to choose from. There's the classy gal who...
 
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    Barefoot Foodie

  • O’ Captain, My Captain.

    barefootfoodie
    17 Nov 2009 | 8:56 pm
    Things in my life get out of hand quickly. Mostly because I overreact almost instantaneously in almost every situation. Sigh. Do you mind if I drink while I tell you this story? It’s 12am, and I usually wait until 10:30am to drink, because that’s when McDonald’s stops serving breakfast, so that pretty much makes it like midday/early evening by my calculations. So, I was going to tell you this story about my mom, and how she went behind my back, and my hatred of rodents, and distaste to add anything else to my household that requires nourishment of any sort, and she bought…

  • I am pretty sure MySpace is like the mafia, only with less shooting people in the face.

    barefootfoodie
    12 Nov 2009 | 7:01 am
    I am over MySpace. I never use it anymore. I now default to Facebook for my need to spy on the lives of others and pass judgment on ugly babies and closeted gay husbands. Plus, the emo blog posts and grainy cell phone pictures of my half naked teenage cousin remind me, I am way to old for MySpace. I am pretty sure I hit the age where my milkshake stops bringing boys to the yard.  In fact, it’s less of a milkshake, and more like one of those yucky Ensure shakes old people drink to stimulate bowel movements.  You know, the things they call a shake, but is totally just thick flavored old…

  • Maddie

    barefootfoodie
    11 Nov 2009 | 6:30 am
    This morning we had cake for breakfast.  Chocolate cake with purpley pink frosting.  In honor of Maddie, and her second birthday. Lovely.  Always. This amazing post always make me smile. I will hum this song all day. In honor of Maddie, on her birthday, please consider donating to Friends of Maddie, a charity started in her name, to support families of critically ill children in the NICU.

  • Sticking it to the man…who happens to be my mom…who was actually totally right…damn it. This is less fun than I thought it would be.

    barefootfoodie
    6 Nov 2009 | 1:09 pm
    When I was little, I wanted NOTHING more that to take a bubble bath with Mr. Bubble. According to the commercials, the bubbles Mr. Bubble produced?  Fucking bananas. But, my mom was, like, Joan Crawford about the Mr. Bubble. Nyet Mr. Bubble. She was like, girls can’t use stuff like that, so, naturally, I was convinced it was made with pedophile sperm, and took her at her word. I mean, the temptation was there, but I was a kid, and who the fuck wants to see an eight year old in maternity pants? Actually…I do.  But only because I bet their little bellies are adorable. Anyways,…

  • Taking a shower helps when you are dirty on the outside, but what about the inside? And no one say bulimia, because puking makes me pee my pants, and I am down to my last pair of panties. Also, how hot is the word panties?

    barefootfoodie
    2 Nov 2009 | 8:28 pm
    OMG I am home. At last. And now, I can relax and go back to posting on a not at all consistent basis! YAY! So anyways, yes.  I went to Boston and New York.  By way of airplane. And I lived to talk about it. BARELY. It was totally touch and go for a while, there.  I sweated so bad the whole plane ride, I am pretty sure my seat was wet.  I think I carry all my tension in my ass. So yes.  Boston was lovely. Would have been lovelier if James Spader was still practicing law there, but you can’t win them all, and I was there for work, not having sex with the creepy boss from The…
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    Life Just Keeps Getting Weirder.

  • It's My Party And I'll Resent Armageddon If I Want To.

    16 Nov 2009 | 4:00 am
    Back Off, Mayans.Have you all heard about this new movie - "2012?" Chock full of mind-bending special effects and a story that hinges on the fact that - according to the ancient Mayan calendar - the world will end on December 21st, 2012...?(Yes, that movie called "2012.")All right, well, I don't like it. Not one bit. Why? Because...not to make the imminent destruction of the world all about me or anything, but...Hello?!? December 21st is my BIRTHDAY!You think it's easy putting a NASCAR-themed fondue party together four days before Christmas? I swear, it's like people are just looking for an…

  • You've Got Mail!

    27 Oct 2009 | 8:00 pm
    An Emailto the Principal ofQuark Horizon ElementaryMrs. Roberta OgilthorvinPrincipalQuark Horizon ElementarySanta Monica, CaliforniaDear Mrs. Ogilthorvin,Thank you for the opportunity to explain the unfortunate exchanges that transpired in your absence at last week’s PTA meeting and to rebut the inflammatory complaints lodged against me by a number of parents and staff in attendance. I know you are eager to resolve this fracas, particularly in light of the fact that Quark Horizon will be making a third run at accreditation next week and the last thing we need is more picketers. (As an…

  • I Scream, You Scream...

    22 Oct 2009 | 5:00 am
    We All Scream For MyPheme(.com)!I'm excited to say that a piece I wrote called "Hair: The Non-Musical" has just debuted as a Featured Essay on MyPheme.com.What's MyPheme, you ask? I will tell you now.[ahem]MyPheme.com is a brand new and very cool humor site whose mission is to tell it like it is. They also have a sassy broad in their banner. Both of these facts appeal mightily to me.I hope you'll take a moment to slide over there and read the essay. I can't make specific promises, but it's highly likely that doing so will increase your personal chi, give you six-pack abs and elevate you to…

  • I Just Adore A Penthouse View

    7 Oct 2009 | 5:01 am
    She's Still ZsaZsa From The Block.We've finally succeeded in convincing my mom to move from the suburbs [insert crickets here] into the throbbing, mind-blowingly exciting metropolis of three blocks from us. I know. It'll be great to have ZsaZsa (not my mom's real name) right around a couple of corners after decades of living almost an hour away.Naturally, I helped her find a new pad - specifically, an apartment. Which is how I learned:Lesson #1:Looking for an apartment for your mom is very different than looking for one for yourself.Corollary to Lesson #1: I have lived in many a dunghole in…

  • Always Home and Unbowed

    1 Oct 2009 | 6:38 pm
    I am proud to be among the 98 bloggers teaming up with our friend Kevin at Always Home and Uncool for a simultaneous posting to help raise awareness in the blogosphere of juvenile myositis, a rare autoimmune disease his daughter was diagnosed with on this day seven years ago. The day also happens to be his wife's birthday.I hope you'll take a moment to read Kevin's story in his own words below. Thank you.Our pediatrician admitted it early on.The rash on our 2-year-old daughter's cheeks, joints and legs was something he'd never seen before.The next doctor wouldn't admit to not knowing.He…
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    All Funny Pictures

  • Astronaut Pen

    21 Nov 2009 | 12:07 pm
    - Leave it to NASA to come up with an amazing solution

  • Painful Swing

    21 Nov 2009 | 12:05 pm
    - Who said baseball isn't a tough game?

  • Worst Burlar

    8 Nov 2009 | 11:19 am
    - This guy really needs to train for a new profession

  • Over 60

    4 Nov 2009 | 11:52 am
    - Some important tips for growing older

  • Vicious Dog

    4 Nov 2009 | 11:50 am
    - Everyone needs a pet
 
 
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    Prefers Her Fantasy Life

  • Why I Prefer My Fantasy Life #78

    9 Nov 2009 | 7:16 pm
    In my fantasy life my sons wouldn't argue with one another. And in my fantasy life, if they did, they'd adopt my brilliant methods of persuasion. Younger Brother: Mom, Older Brother just told me there were 7 spider legs in each taco from Taco Bell.Me: (giving Older Brother the Sustained Evil Eye)Older Brother: Well, I had to think of a comeback. We were fighting over which was better Taco Bell or McDonald's, and Younger Brother said the chicken at Mickey D's was made from the gross parts of the bird and held together by edible meat glue.Me: (wishing my kids ate health food like they do in my…

  • Transvestites, Transgenders and Transitive Verbs

    3 Nov 2009 | 4:51 pm
    As I mentioned I'm teaching at a two-year college that offers an associates degree in Medical Administrative Assistance. We have a strict dress code where students are required to wear scrubs and white sports shoes. Their hair must be a "natural" color--no bright reds or blues--and they must cover all facial piercings and tattoos.Our security guard gets a bit overzealous in issuing dress code violations to the students. Funny thing is, he's a "by-the-books" security guard by day. But by night, he's a flaming red-haired cross dresser. Yes, he...ur...she's brought me my coffee at Big Boy on…

  • An Open Letter To My One Finger-Typing Student

    27 Oct 2009 | 4:42 pm
    I am so sorry I leaned over you and began typing words to your email sign-up questions.I felt it my obligation to get the class over with by Thanksgiving.I also apologize for grabbing the mouse from you. I assumed everyone knew that you had to position it on a field and click in order for it to work.And when you couldn't create your email address because of the common name "Floyd Jones," I thought you knew I was kidding when I told you to try "Pink Floyd Jones."In spite of our getting off on the wrong appendage, I greatly admire you. You have 8 kids and two day jobs, and you're spending your…

  • Nothing Comes Between Me and My Jeff Tweedy

    19 Oct 2009 | 7:10 pm
    Not even the fact that soon-to-be-ex took his girlfriend to the concert,or that my date, 6 foot and gorgeous, was my 14-year old daughter.Not the fact we had to sequester ourselves from our mutual friends at dinner so no one felt awkward. And if I sound bitter here, that's because I am, you mutual friends.Or the Noodles and Company restaurant which Daughter picked out of all the great places to eat in Ann Arbor.Or the fact that Noodles and Company doesn't sell alcohol.Or that Hill Auditorium in The Peoples' Republic of Ann Arbor, home of the Hash Bash, does not sell alcohol.Nor the fact that…

  • Why I Prefer My Fantasy Life #119

    13 Oct 2009 | 6:19 pm
    Did I mention I hate English teachers?Did I mention I am an English teacher?Last week I was hired as a full-time instructor at a small two-year college. I don't mind the teaching so much. But in my fantasy life I'd have students that didn't come late, leave early, and talk on their cell phones the short amount of time they were in class.In my fantasy life, most of my students would have a high school diploma. And know how to write a simple sentence. And use a computer. And not have kids. Or criminal records.In my fantasy life, I'd be on a campus where they didn't have two security guards, one…
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    AskMen.com - JOKES

  • Finding Jesus

    Party animal? Player? Couch potato? No matter what your lifestyle, we'll poke fun at you.

  • Bad Habits

    The world of relationships is a big, confusing place - so why not have a chuckle about it?

  • Lady and #8217;s Tees

    We aren't throwing any curve balls here; we're stepping up to the plate with these laugh-out-loud sports jokes.

  • Blonde Fishermen

    Blonde jokes never get old. Here's your chance to laugh at the expense of this follicular-challenged group of ladies.

  • Silent Burglar

    Blonde jokes never get old. Here's your chance to laugh at the expense of this follicular-challenged group of ladies.
 
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    Daily Jokes Comedy Funny Humor

  • How To Tell If A Redneck Has Been Working On A Computer

    sahil
    3 Nov 2009 | 3:13 am
    10. The monitor is up on blocks. 9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them. 8. The six front keys have rotted out. 7. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them. 6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six. 5. The password is “Bubba”. 4. The CPU has a gun rack mount. 3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive. 2. The keyboard is camouflaged. And, The Number One Way To Tell If A Redneck Has Been Working On A Computer… The mouse is referred to as a “critter”. Related posts:Computer Crashed My computer crashed and died today And I thought,…

  • ‘True’ Doctor Stories

    sahil
    3 Nov 2009 | 3:12 am
    “At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall. “Big breaths,” I instructed. “Yes, they used to be,” remorsed the patient.” “One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a “massive internal fart,” “I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed…

  • Dangerous Blow Job

    sahil
    3 Nov 2009 | 3:11 am
    A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons. “I’ll make you a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He’ll then open his mouth and I’ll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.” The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator’s open mouth. The…

  • Irish Drunks

    sahil
    3 Nov 2009 | 3:10 am
    A man walks into a pub. He greets the barman and orders a pint. As the barman draws it, the man begins to hear two noisy young men at the end of the bar. “What county did you say you where from?” asked the first. “Why, County Clare.” the second replied. “Well, I’ll be damned! I’m from County Clare, too! What town?” “Why, I’m from Ennis.” “I’ll be damned! I’m from Ennis, too! What parish are you from?’ “Saint Francis.” “Well, I’ll be damned! I belonged to Saint Francis’,…

  • Two Parrots

    sahil
    3 Nov 2009 | 3:09 am
    This lady approaches a priest and tells him, “Father, I these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing: ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?’ ” “That’s terrible!” the priest exclaimed, “but I have a solution to your problem. You can put them with my two male talking parrots. I taught them to read the bible and pray the rosary.” The lady brings over her parrots and puts them in the priest’s cage. “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?” they say. One…
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    MedWorm Tags: jokes

  • Messing with Other People’s Time Management

    19 Nov 2009 | 9:00 am
    I write a lot about how to be more productive, but what if that really isn’t your thing? What if you don’t like productivity? What if your goal in life is to ruin productivity for other people? In an effort to expand our readership to people striving for unproductivity, here are six things you can do to guarantee that your co-workers get as little done as possible. Productivity501 takes no responsibility for the results of actually implementing any of these ideas. Randomly put entries on their calendar like: “1:30 meeting with John White Important!” or “Call…

  • It must be time for Friday Funnies!

    22 Oct 2009 | 3:27 pm
    I can heave a sigh of relief, because draft number two (hopefully final draft) of the PhD proposal is off to be reviewed…if I only didn’t ask so many questions of myself I’m sure it would be easier! So, time to chill out and bit and start the process of relaxing before Labour Weekend. (Source: HealthSkills Weblog)

  • Friday funnies

    1 Oct 2009 | 10:39 am
    I just read this on Psychology of Pain: 13 Things You Don’t Say to People with Chronic Pain 1. You don’t look sick. 2. Maybe if you just got out more. 3. You can learn to live with it. 4. You just have to tough it out. 5. It’s all in your head. 6. You’re just having a bad day. 7. This will pass. 8. Just get more exercise. 9. It can’t be that bad. 10. It must be neat not to work. 11. Just be more positive. 12. It could be worse. 13. There’s people worse off than you . Yep, I think I’d inflict pain on anyone who said any of these to me. I got this one…

  • An amazing medical sentence...

    26 Jul 2009 | 10:03 am
    What the hell.“I do not know where family doctors acquired illegibly perplexing handwriting nevertheless, extraordinary pharmaceutical intellectuality counterbalancing indecipherability, transcendentalizes intercommunications incomprehensibleness”.This is a sentence where the Nth word is N letters long.e.g. 3rd word is 3 letters long, 8th word is 8 letters long and so on. (Source: All Scrubbed Up)

  • Friday funnies!

    25 Jun 2009 | 9:31 pm
    And sadly, this one too… I will not even start on the Michael Jackson or Farrah Fawcett jokes… but leave you with this one, and would you believe, Manly Jack sent it to me so I could check whether I had swine flu? Don’t go to work if this is what YOU see in the mirror tomorrow morning… (Source: HealthSkills Weblog)
 
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    Nanny Goats in Panties

  • Goat Thing of the Day: A 1927 Cutie in Los Angeles

    Nanny Goats In Panties
    21 Nov 2009 | 11:08 am
    There I was, at Iron Steaks bar, just off Broadway in Sacramento. It was a gathering of writer types. When from out of the sea of people my new friend Russell who has a website called SugarLump or The Sweetest Thing Living, I'm not really sure which, approached with a framed photograph. "I have something for you...," he said. Oh boy! Finally someone was going to give me a million dollars! Woo-hoo! "This is my dad," he said, showing me a black and white photograph. Oh. Oh! With a goat! This was what they clogged the San Diego freeway with back then. "Is there a story behind this?" I asked him.

  • How Do You Pronounce the Year "2010"?

    Nanny Goats In Panties
    19 Nov 2009 | 4:36 pm
    Debate about how to pronounce the upcoming years is heating up. I mean, we've been chugging along since the new millenium with "Two Thousand, Two Thousand One, etc." and all of a sudden some people out there will be changing this pattern in January with "Twenty Ten". The International Olympics Committee and Vancouver 2010  are officially referring to this winter's Olympics in Vancouver as the "Twenty Ten Olympics". And then there are those who feel the pronounciation will not convert to "twenty-something" until 2011. How did we get into such a mess? Last century we were pretty consistent…

  • Goat Thing of the Day: Baby Goats Hop on Bus

    Nanny Goats In Panties
    18 Nov 2009 | 10:22 am
    Last week, two baby goats hopped on a bus in Vancouver, Washington. They broke out of their pen and followed two woman to the bus stop. And tried to board a bus with the two women. And knowing how frugal goats can be, you can bet they didn't have a bus pass. Initially, I couldn't find a way to embed the video here, and had planned for you to click on the picture below to take to you the Fox 12 Oregon News video. Or have you read the baby goat bus story on their website. Yoda and Yates. (Thanks, Sue!) But then, Owen from the Magic Lantern Show happened to send me a link to where CNN picked it…

  • Have You Ever Faked It?

    Nanny Goats In Panties
    16 Nov 2009 | 8:11 am
    Today I am celebrating my 503rd post. Why? Because everyone else celebrates on multiples of a hundred and I'm a rebel, man. Also? What if you announce and make a big deal out of the fact that this is a milestone post, sending whoopie all over cyberspace and then the post itself sucks? Like, a lot. Then what? Now, where was I? Oh yeah. Neil from Citizen of the Month was talking on his Twitter feed about fake tweeting and I thought, 'Now why didn't I ever think of that?' Nothing that brilliant ever occurs to me. I'm completely incapable of thinking outside of the box. Even when I was a kid, I…

  • Goat Thing of the Day: It's a Sign

    Nanny Goats In Panties
    14 Nov 2009 | 11:36 am
    I don't know if any of you remember when I showed you the Billy Goat Tavern when I was in Chicago this last summer. The Cheezeborger Cheezeborger! place. I understand if you don't. You were probably drunk. It was the Goat Thing of the Day for a post I entitled Chivalrouslessness in Thieves. Back when someone stole my notebook and-- GAH!!! I still can't talk about it, it upsets me so. Anyway, I didn't call this meeting to complain about how lame society is. Not today, anyway. No, I brought all of you here today to tell you that I thought it was odd that people would name their business after a…
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    Jokes Palace

  • Where Is Your Mother Joke

    Jerkoff
    18 Nov 2009 | 1:17 am
    A man from the Internal Revenue Service knocks on a door and it’s opened by a little boy. The man asks the boy, “Where is your mother?” The boy says, “She’s in the backyard, getting fucked by the goat.” The man exclaims, “Son, it’s not very nice to make up stories like that!” The boy replies, “Come on in and I’ll show you.” So the tax man follows the little boy to the back of the house, and looks out the window into the backyard. Surely enough, he observes a woman being feverishly fucked by a goat. Disgusted, he turns to…

  • My Girlfriend Complains Incessantly

    Jerkoff
    17 Nov 2009 | 11:38 am
    Dan, 22 from Los Angeles, California writes… I have this girl who’s working out well… she’s hot, real naughty in the sack, and we get along well. But my problem is she complains a whole lot. Kind of wrecks the moment, no matter what the moment. We might be chillin’ watching a movie on my new big screen TV and she’ll say something such as “The TV is too bright” or “I’m tired”, “When are we going to eat?” always something. Never seems to be happy with anything, no matter how cool it is. What can I do about it doc?

  • Parsley and Pussy One Liner

    Jerkoff
    17 Nov 2009 | 3:22 am
    Q. What’s the difference between parsley and pussy? A. Nobody eats parsley.

  • Dead Husband Joke

    Jerkoff
    16 Nov 2009 | 4:49 pm
    Right in the middle of lovemaking, the husband dies of a heart attack. As the funeral arrangements are being made, the mortician informs the widow that he cannot get rid of her dead husband’s rigor mortis hard-on which is sticking straight up in the air and if they don’t do something, it will look odd in the coffin at the funeral. The widow tells the guy to cut it off and stick it up her dear departed’s asshole. The mortician can’t believe his ears but the widow is adamant, so he proceeds. During the funeral, friends and relatives of the dead man were concerned to see…

  • Spider Smoothie

    Jerkoff
    13 Nov 2009 | 2:33 pm
 
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    The Good, Clean Funnies List

  • Hot Air

    gcfl@gcfl.net
    19 Nov 2009 | 11:00 pm
    As a lobbyist in Washington, DC, I'd just finished up a meeting with a Congressman when I stopped to use the restroom. After washing my hands, I stepped over to the hand dryer and noticed that someone had taped a note to the machine. The note said, "Push button for message from Congress." Received from Ed.

  • Speeding

    gcfl@gcfl.net
    18 Nov 2009 | 11:00 pm
    A young man was caught going almost double the speed limit through a small town. As the police officer walked up to the car, he said to the young man, "I've been waiting for you all day." The young man replied, "Don't worry! I got here as fast as I could!" He got off with a verbal warning. This is a true story. Received from castle91.

  • Bad Golfer/Skydiver

    gcfl@gcfl.net
    17 Nov 2009 | 11:00 pm
    Q: What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? A: A golfer goes *SMACK* "Dang!" and the skydiver goes "Dang!" *SMACK* Received from Dalton Green.

  • Employee Reference

    gcfl@gcfl.net
    15 Nov 2009 | 11:00 pm
    At times I was asked to provide references for former employees by companies considering hiring them. On one firm's form was the question: "Was this person a steady worker?" Since the guy was a well-known do-nothing, I entered, "Not just steady, but motionless" in the space provided. Received from Ed.

  • Blonde Cookbook

    gcfl@gcfl.net
    12 Nov 2009 | 11:00 pm
    It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls. Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper. A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly, but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any. Today Tom asked for salad. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before…
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    The Skwib

  • The Magic Donkey

    Mark A. Rayner
    20 Nov 2009 | 6:46 am
    I love Flikr. I can spend hours looking for images, and I’m easily distracted by all the shiny new art I can find there. In particular, I find the absurd and surreal groups quite engrossing. What I didn’t know was that Flickr culture is so interesting. One of my students showed me this page, which is simply titled Flicr: Panda, but I think we can all agree that it is pure AWESOMNESS! Come on, a panda that spews rainbows and a constant stream of “interesting photos”. But how is the “interestingness” of a photo determined? Enter the Magic Donkey. This is the…

  • Marvellous Hairy is now an eBook!

    Mark A. Rayner
    19 Nov 2009 | 5:32 am
    For those of you waiting to experience the thrills, the laughter and the dementia of Marvellous Hairy until it was in eBook form, your wait is over. You can find it in all the major formats at Smashwords for only $3.99 US. Yes, you read that correctly. $3.99 US. You not only save paper, you save yourself a pile of money!

  • Seeking cherub-monkey parity — the conversation continues

    Mark A. Rayner
    18 Nov 2009 | 3:33 am
    Welcome to the second half of a conversation between Rob Kroese, author of Mercury Falls and Mark A. Rayner, the scribbler behind Marvellous Hairy. You can find the first half of the conversation at Rob’s blog, Mattress Police. Check it out and then return her for the rest of our electronic chat. Rob Kroese: I assume you’re a bit more scholarly in your efforts. I believe I read that you’re a university lecturer, in fact. What do you lecture on? And how is lecturing different from teaching or professing? Is your lecturing related to your writing, or is your writing an escape…

  • Writted good!

    Mark A. Rayner
    17 Nov 2009 | 9:57 am
    Okay, I’ve got to be honest, Nanowrimo is not going so well for me this year. This is due, largely, to the fact that I’m still somewhat distracted by trying to get some attention paid to Marvellous Hairy. I’ve been running a virtual tour for the past week, which started with an hour-long interview with PodioRacket at Blog Talk Radio, had a few pithy discussions at Name Your Tale, and took a stop at Book Screening. The next appearance is at Rob Kroese’s blog, Mattress Police, where we are sharing a conversation. The first part is there, and the second part will be here…

  • I love lamp … no, wait

    Mark A. Rayner
    17 Nov 2009 | 6:09 am
    Beware the adorable, yet homicidal lamp. A brand parody of Pixar: You can find it here, if the embedded video crushes your browser. Brought to you by alltop, humor-blogs.com, and the letter “z”.
 
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    Motherwise Cracks

  • My Mold is on Facebook

    Mary
    15 Nov 2009 | 4:43 pm
    I decided to check out my Facebook page and noticed that my niece had some new photos posted. I looked and low and behold, the moldy bread we found in my fridge yesterday was there. This loaf was dated to be eaten before June 23. See what happens when your child goes off to college? All the foods they like , but you don’t , go uneaten and before you know it, you are growing penicillin. And family members show the world what’s in your kitchen – growing mold – on Facebook. And she tagged it with my name too. Lovely child. It motivated me to check the rest of the stuff…

  • I Love Christmas … But November 10th?

    Mary
    12 Nov 2009 | 4:40 am
    Even my kids, who LOVE Christmas, agree that is a bit much. We were riding home from Christmas shopping and saw through a window, a Christmas tree up and decorated on November 10. Sorry but that is crazy, and that is coming from someone who loves the whole season. While I love Christmas because everyone is home, and warm and happy, I think that Thanksgiving is a close second. If you begin celebrating Christmas before that, it takes away from the only holiday that is strictly about giving thanks. There are no gifts given but those from the heart (and to the stomach). Why dilute it? Obviously,…

  • What Have I told You About Backup and Restore?

    Mary
    5 Nov 2009 | 5:15 am
    I was sent on a mission.  My daughter’s computer died and I was to get the system restore disks to her. Following the directions to find them in her things was like being on a Lewis and Clark expedition, but I found the box in her closet. No disks in the box. As I read the manual, I noted she was supposed to burn them first thing. (Note: way computer companies save money is not including the CD and just adding the files for you to burn, IF you do so.) Well, she was “disappointed” but I saw in the manual how to reset it but lose some information and sent her a pdf of the…

  • Will I Lose My $100?

    Mary
    31 Oct 2009 | 7:57 am
    I haven’t decided. Just like I haven’t decided if I am going to give up my high fat Greek yogurt or not. My daughter and I have a competition to each lose 10 lbs. before Dec. 16. She would then be at her goal weight and I would be, let’s just say, closer to mine. I bought the book, “The Thyroid Diet” as I do have an issue but not enough to get medication (damn) so this diet says to eat only 1-2 carbs a day and I might die. What’s a girl to eat for lunch if she can’t have a sandwich? And sorry, but the low fat Greek yogurt just isn’t the same.

  • Halloween Cow Tale – cookies and milk

    Mary
    28 Oct 2009 | 5:45 am
    Sometimes you just can’t make these things up. Like this story in last night’s paper where a man in a cow costume drove nto the river (after some partying). I had to laugh several times as it was just a comedy of errors complete with the video surveillance copy of his drive into the drink accidentally erased. After a lot of effort to find out if he was alone in the car and no one else was in the river, the rescue workers must have been relieved to find only the empty bottles and a cow head in the car. Only in my neck of the woods. I made sure to tell my kids about this scary…
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    MAD KANE'S HUMOR BLOG

  • Neither High, Nor Dry

    madkane
    18 Nov 2009 | 3:32 pm
    I understand why buying a car or a home appliance or pricey wine would require some research. But purchasing towels shouldn’t be all that complicated. So why is it that whenever my husband and I buy towels, they suck? Actually the problem is … they don’t suck. Neither High, Nor Dry (Limerick) By Madeleine Begun Kane Our new towels seemed fine at first blush. They were velvety smooth and so plush. But they don’t absorb well. You might say they repel. Can’t our towels act more like a lush?

  • Larry King Not Marrying Carrie Prejean

    madkane
    12 Nov 2009 | 4:26 pm
    I can’t imagine that too many guests have stormed off a Larry King interview. But “author,” sex tape star, and former Miss California Carrie Prejean tried to … and failed. Donald Trump must be so proud! (You can find my Carrie Prejean limerick and a link to the Larry King video here.)

  • Ode To Cappuccino

    madkane
    9 Nov 2009 | 9:50 pm
    Ode To Cappuccino (Limerick) By Madeleine Begun Kane When my hot cappuccino’s denied me, I am steamed. I must have it inside me. So beware of my ire. My need is quite dire. Espresso/foamed milk, or else hide me!

  • Counted Out (Limerick)

    madkane
    9 Nov 2009 | 9:33 pm
    Counted Out By Madeleine Begun Kane They praised his accounting as splendid, But told him his contract had ended. So why was he sacked? His report said they lacked Enough cash—they were overextended.

  • A Limerick For The Heene Family

    madkane
    19 Oct 2009 | 4:34 pm
    I’ve written a limerick about the Balloon Boy saga here on my other blog.
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    iambossy.com

  • Who Has More Fun Than A Brookstone Catalogue Hand Model?

    BOSSY
    20 Nov 2009 | 8:04 am
    Now with special Brookstone catalogue bonus shot:

  • Bossy’s Favorite Things

    BOSSY
    20 Nov 2009 | 6:55 am
    Parallel parking. Not only can Bossy get her car into impossibly small parking spaces, she does it utilizing only one reverse and one forward adjustment. Oh yeah, Bossy rocks the parking space, always has and always will. As her grandfather Walt used to say, “Just like a body in a coffin.” bossy’s car in red. Stay tuned for a tutorial.

  • Yet Another Little Known Fact

    BOSSY
    20 Nov 2009 | 6:45 am
    Bossy grew up in a neighborhood with many cobblestone streets. As a matter of fact, when Bossy was a young girl in her parent’s car, sleeping on the way home from a far-flung destination, the cobblestones under the tires would wake Bossy up. And the funny thing, Bossy had the very particular sounds of those cobblestones memorized — the extra bumpy part, the just-fixed smooth part, the part with many depressions… … Even with eyes closed Bossy always knew exactly which part of which street she was on, because those cobblestones always meant home.

  • Der Spellcheck, Since When Is Ho Officially A Word?

    BOSSY
    19 Nov 2009 | 5:12 am
    Bossy thought she had nothing more to say about common misspellings, but ever so unfortunately it’s a slow week at Camp Bossy and there is more. The other day Bossy was trying to type the word who and instead typed ho which is apparently just fine with Spellcheck, even though every single time Bossy types her own website name, iambossy, spellcheck is all Do you mean embassy? And one more thing. Der Onelook Dictionary.com, how come no matter which word Bossy types into your provided field, you say it is a surname? Finally, Bossy would like to announce the winner of her latest Match Game…

  • Yet Another Little Known Fact

    BOSSY
    19 Nov 2009 | 5:12 am
    Yesterday while at Ikea with Bossy’s friend Martha, Bossy was taking stealth photographs of stuff like a stack of their votive candles which have now resorted back to poopy-butt manufacturing practices — when suddenly Bossy was confronted by an intimidating employee and told to empty her camera of all photos or else, for security purposes. Bossy is already decades into this dance with Ikea, as Bossy used to be an interior designer who often wished to capture different, appealing, product shots for her clients than those made available in Ikea’s thin-paged directory of a…
 
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    CAP News

  • [pic] The Best Photos From August

    22 Nov 2009 | 3:00 am
    Enjoy a quick run-through of the best CAP News photos from August, 2009.

  • [audio] Ad: Law Offices Of Joey Gouger

    21 Nov 2009 | 2:00 am
    If someone has wronged you in some way and you want some cash for your troubles, call the one lawyer who will get you what's not really yours to get.

  • Spencer Pratt Offers To Perform Mammograms

    20 Nov 2009 | 3:00 am
    HOLLYWOOD (CAP) - Women's healthcare received an unconventional advocate today as reality show show and world-class douchebag Spencer Pratt issued a statement offering to "personally examine the fun bags of any woman who is concerned by the new boob guidelines that just came out." The controversial guidelines issued by the U.S. Preventive Services Task Force recommend that women begin mammogram screenings at age 50 instead of age 40, and that the screenings take place every two years instead of annually. Debate about the validity of the new standards has been raging since they were issued…

  • CDC Releases H1N1.6 Service Pack 2

    19 Nov 2009 | 3:15 am
    ATLANTA (CAP) - Scientists at the Centers for Disease Creation have announced the release of Service Pack 2 for the H1N1 virus, which fixes a number of vulnerabilities in the rampant disease and introduces a new rendering engine for those running Innoculation 2.0. Dubbed Swine Flu 2, H1N1SP2 is actually a Release Candidate and did not undergo standard beta testing. "The nomenclature is a little confusing," said CDC spokesperson Chester Rehobeth. "H1N1SP2 is actually a roll-up of all the minor revs into a single package, so technically it's H1N1.6 RC 1. We have enough copies of Swine Flu in…

  • Publisher To Pull Palin Book, Replace With "Going Vogue"

    18 Nov 2009 | 3:45 am
    DES MOINES, Iowa (CAP) - In a surprise move, Harper, the publisher of Sarah Palin's Going Rogue: An American Life memoir, has announced it is immediately pulling all copies of the book off shelves and will re-release a revised version of it in time for Black Friday. "Focus groups have been consistently telling us that they would like to see a more feminine side to Gov. Palin, so we've asked Sarah to rework the premise," said Larry Gates, a marketing VP for Harper. "We hope to get the new book, now titled Going Vogue: An American Princess, on the shelves by the end of next week at the latest."…
 
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    Renal Failure

  • Tag Larkin’s Video Jukebox 11/21/09

    renalfailure
    21 Nov 2009 | 2:00 am
    Tag Larkin has tougher answers to the tough questions facing our nation… (Note: I thought I had posted these before… maybe elsewhere but not here in my digs. Oh well.)

  • I would have thought Keyser Soze to have better taste in music

    renalfailure
    20 Nov 2009 | 2:00 am
    At 8:35, the lights went down in Theater 21 at the Colonial Ultraplex movie theater for the showing of New Moon.  At 8:45, the film inexplicably catches fire and the theater goers are forced to evacuate.  Among them are Tina the Lesbian and Samurai Cathy.  As they come outside, they see Ninja Vicki and Avonia the Wiccan Pimp waiting for them. “Vicki?”  Tina says.  “What… What are you doing here?” “Where else would I be?”  Ninja Vicki says accusingly.  “On a date with Tag Larkin perhaps?” “Maybe, yeah… I mean,…

  • Any date you can walk away from without anal tearing…

    renalfailure
    19 Nov 2009 | 2:00 am
    So Ninja Vicki’s date with Tag Larkin went… well, she did expect him to throw a table at some point, but running out of the restaurant yelling “abort mission!” was highly unexpected. And something didn’t sit right with Vicki the whole time Tag Larkin was charming the pants off her, but she couldn’t put her finger on it.  So she returned to me and Anonymous Doug at the Bass-to-Bass for our fingers, which have been curled around pint glasses for the past six hours. “So, did you fuck him?”  says Anonymous Doug. “No… but he got…

  • It’s Like “My Dinner with Andre” except with more fistfights

    renalfailure
    18 Nov 2009 | 2:00 am
    Because Ninja Vicki wants to avert a national tragedy of catastrophic proportions, she is attending her scheduled date with Tag Larkin at Codependent’s Brewery and Steak House.  And per Tag Larkin’s request to wear something nice, she’s wearing her low-cut ninja top, though she can’t figure out why for the life of her she would do that for Tag Larkin.  But she did. Tag Larkin meets Ninja Vicki outside of Codependent’s with a single violet in hand, instead of a tallboy of Schlitz or Pabst Blue Ribbon. “How did you know I like violets more than…

  • An Oblique Obligation

    renalfailure
    17 Nov 2009 | 2:00 am
    I’m at the bar with Anonymous Doug, going through our fourth pitcher of Wes Anderson Wheat Beer: The beer that makes you stare listlessly and not have any inflection in your voice, like most of the characters in his movies.  And just as we pour ourselves some fresh pints, Ninja Vicki comes jumping down from the ceiling to join us, and by her eyes peeking out from over her ninja mask, she seems troubled. “I got tricked into going on a date with Tag Larkin tonight,”  Ninja Vicki says, taking my beer and drinking it. “How the hell do you get tricked into going on a…
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    Riding with Rickey

  • I Promised Myself I Wouldn’t Blog About the Hiatus…

    Rickey Henderson
    18 Nov 2009 | 3:13 am
    And yet I still feel somewhat obligated to offer somewhat of an explanation to the five readers who stuck around…What exactly compels a man to cease blogging? Many things: the perpetual give and take of busyness and laziness, a lack of inspiration, the siren call of the television, blah, blah, blah, but most of all, THIS: Well this can't end well. What you’re looking at here is a pack of miniature Warhammer 40K figurines (Space Wolf Grey Hunters, to be precise) intended for one purpose only: to conquer my tabletop gaming opponent. They may not look impressive, but bear in mind that these…

  • Rickey Recommends

    Rickey Henderson
    17 Nov 2009 | 3:53 am
    This is where Rickey posts recommendations of noteworthy consumables, practices, and pastimes that have been deemed invaluable for the reader’s betterment. All products and pieces of advice listed herein have been Rickey tested and approved. Again, this is in no way shape or form a complete rip off of McSweeney’s (fa-la-la-la-la, lawyers, Rickey can’t hear you). Enjoy our latest installment of....RICKEY RECOMMENDSCarefully reviewing your local zoning laws before purchasing a flock of domesticated fowl. No, sadly, I don’t have some zany news story involving rampaging fowl to link to.

  • “Bring Out Yer Dead!”, AKA, Your Mets Update: The Obligatory Postmortem Edition

    Rickey Henderson
    28 Aug 2009 | 3:32 am
    Apparently the baseball gods were watching when I decided to heckle Joe Girardi about the Yankees' chances against the Mets. And they smote me. They smote me hard. The latest addition to the black hole that is the Mets DL? My trusty coffee mug. In a moment of weighty karmic reciprocity, the cup slipped from my hands as if it was nudged by some phantom force, and crashed to the floor, resulting in the handle shattering into several pieces.Imagine it happening in slow motion, followed by me staring blankly at it for several minutes, wallowing in the not-so-subtle symbolism of the event. Yes,…

  • 14 Aug 2009 | 3:30 am

    Rickey Henderson
    14 Aug 2009 | 3:30 am
    It occurred to me the other day that for nearly three years I’ve been writing a blog and most of you know remarkably little about me. Let’s be honest here, for all you know, I could be Carlos the Jackal. Sadly, I’m not, and that’s just the first of many misconceptions that I’ll attempt to clear up in this edition of… Things You Heretofore Had Not Known About MeWhile eating out at a restaurant, I cannot tolerate indecision. Picky folks who gaze at the menu for more than three minutes anger me beyond comprehension. Every time this happens, there’s an excellent chance that I'm…

  • House Hunt... The Search Begins.

    Rickey Henderson
    10 Aug 2009 | 3:53 am
    Intent on buying into this “ownership society” thing we’ve heard a few things about, we have started to hunt for a house. A place to call our very own. The American Dream and all that good stuff. Given our price range and our refusal to end up stuck in a bland condo building up equity on a geological pace, we’re probably going to be purchasing what is commonly referred to as a “handyman special.” At first, this sounds appealing. It conjures up images of us donning overalls and frolicking around a charming old house painting the walls while a peppy 80’s song blasts in the…
 
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    LiquidGeneration.com

  • Twilight Whispers

    19 Nov 2009 | 8:15 am
    Love has never known a more powerful Love than Twilight's Edward and Bella. Hear them whisper sweet nothings to each other in the most romantic ways possible.Rating: 0/5 | 3607 views | 3 comments

  • Total News or Total Lies?

    18 Nov 2009 | 4:44 am
    Introducing our newest news game! We give you a crazy news headline, and you have to guess whether it's Total News or Total Lies. It's easy, but not as easy as your mom. Hey-oh!Rating: 0/5 | 653 views | 0 comments

  • Kanye West Torture Chamber

    16 Nov 2009 | 5:18 am
    Kanye West is a musical douchebag genius, and he's also the star of this new Torture Chamber where he gets the crap beat out of him.Rating: 0/5 | 10285 views | 0 comments

  • Kanye West Torture Chamber

    16 Nov 2009 | 5:18 am
    Kanye West is a musical douchebag genius, and he's also the star of this new Torture Chamber where he gets the crap beat out of him.Rating: 0/5 | 10285 views | 0 comments

  • Kill The Kardashians

    5 Nov 2009 | 7:02 am
    Here's your chance to shoot the Kardashians! Why? Because they're annoying. Please note that we don't actually condone violence against. celebrities. This is just a joke. Except for the fact that we really hate the Kardashians.Rating: 0/5 | 20693 views | 7 comments
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    The Smiling Infidel

  • Who's Afraid Of The Big Bad KISS?

    ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY
    5 Nov 2009 | 7:52 am
    Well, for starters, I AM! Yeah, I'll admit it....as a child I was freakin terrified of KISS, KISSes, KISSing and all things KISS-related.You might say that these mutated monsters of metal music scared me KISS-less.My degenerate second cousin used to have his room wallpapered with freaky KISS posters. Consequently, I was too scared as a 6-year old to even tiptoe past his room if the door was open enough for me and KISS to make any sort of eye contact.My cousin thought this was absolutely hilarious and he made it his life mission to terrorize me as much as possible.I'll never forget the…

  • Me And My Daughter Went Out Clubbing This Weekend!!!

    ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY
    23 Aug 2009 | 11:51 pm
    It wasn't the first time I've taken Sunbum out clubbing, either.Yeah, I know she's only 14 but we've been going to the club since she was a baby.It's like an Infidel family tradition now.There's always an abundance of fresh meat at this club and it's yours for the taking!Sure there's also a bunch of real turkeys and the occasional ham but at least they separated out the fruits into their own section.I've picked up and taken home many a cheeseball from the club. They seem harmless enough but let me tell you, as you step on the scale after your brief encounter, you realize that they definitely…

  • How Many Men Does It Take To Cover An Oft Nude Prince??!?

    ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY
    20 Aug 2009 | 10:02 am
    Apparently, it takes FIVE.Just don't ask me how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop. As a professional Tootsie Roll Pop licker I just can't divulge that kind of information for free without damaging my career.I know that we're only 8 months into the year but I'm going to go ahead and declare the alt-rock geniuses of Incubus the winner of my 2009 Raspberry Beret award for their magnificent Prince-covering work in the guitar-drenched ditty, Let's Go Crazy.Good job, guys! So tonight we gonna party like it's 2009!Let me pause a moment as I shower them with a deluge of…

  • There's Only You And Me....And We Just Disagree

    ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY
    18 Aug 2009 | 9:43 am
    Ordinarily, Church doesn't qualify as a contentious experience for me. Ordinarily.However, one of the speakers last Sunday touched on a viewpoint so incredibly outrageous and just plain wrong that I couldn't help but loudly vocalize my concern.So there I was, perfectly in control of my attention span-challenged self and doing what I do most every Church meeting......dreaming about possible post-Church dinner recipes to try.That's when the Sister assigned to speak interrupted my food fantasies with the most troubling of questions.Sister Skinny actually articulated the following sentence:…

  • Dance And The World Dances With You......Sometimes

    ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY
    20 Jul 2009 | 7:16 am
    Kroger's grocery traditionally only plays the lamest of the lame on their in-store radio. They're single-handedly resurrecting the soothing soft rock favorites that time (mercifully) forgot.After a particularly mind-numbing shopping experience where the overhead speakers blared both the Titanic theme song and "The Wreck Of The Edmund Fitzgerald" back-to-back, I came to the conclusion that their programmer harbors an unhealthy ship wreck fixation.Keep that man away from a career in the cruise ship D.J. field!Sometimes the music is so bleak that I automatically go into announcer mode with my…
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    Jokes2Go Daily Humor

  • Today's Poem

    21 Nov 2009 | 4:05 pm
    There is a professor named Martin From whom I'm about to be partin', And on my way out, He may here me shout, "It's your face I'd sure like to fart in."

  • Today's Joke

    21 Nov 2009 | 4:05 pm
    A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day. While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed. The young man picks up on this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around. Teen says, "Grandpa, they didn't have a whole lot of problems with all these diseases when you were young did they?" Grandpa replies, "Nope." Teen says, "Well, what did you guys use for safe sex?" Grandpa replies, "A wedding ring."

  • Today's Story

    21 Nov 2009 | 4:05 pm
    Cloning Update: The scientists responsible for the first successful cloning of a mammal say it took years of trial and error. Which is why you never hear songs by Kennys A through F.

  • Today's Quote

    21 Nov 2009 | 4:05 pm
    Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
 
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    Jokes - jokes4all.net!

  • Rules of the lab ...

    22 Nov 2009 | 4:13 am
    Rules of the lab1) If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.2) When you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly.3) Experiments must be reproduceable, they should fail the same way each time.4) First draw your curves, then plot your data.5) Experience is directly proportional to equipment ruined.6) Always keep a record of your data. It indicates that you have been working.7) To do a lab really well, have your report done well in advance.8) If you can't get the answer in the usual manner, start at the answer and derive the question.9) In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.10) Do…

  • Doctor: "I have some bad news and some very bad news." ...

    22 Nov 2009 | 2:13 am
    Doctor: "I have some bad news and some very bad news."Patient: "Well, might as well give me the bad news first."Doctor: "The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live."Patient: "24 Hours! Thats terrible! What could be worse? What's the very bad news?"Doctor: "I've been trying to reach you since yesterday."

  • A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. ...

    22 Nov 2009 | 12:13 am
    A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?"He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron."The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"He says, "Well, geez, I had to call the doctor!"

  • A couple whose marriage was going on the rocks sought the advice of a marriage ...

    21 Nov 2009 | 10:13 pm
    A couple whose marriage was going on the rocks sought the advice of a marriage counsellor. The counsellor pleaded with them to patch up their quarrel, but they were adamant."So," said the counsellor, "you know the consequences and you want to part. Remember this. You must divide your property equally."The wife flared up. "You mean the $4,000 I have saved up? I must give him half? My money?""Yes," said the counsellor. "He gets $2,000. You get $2,000.""What about my furniture? I paid for that.""Same thing," answered the counsellor. "Your husband gets the bedroom and the living room; you get the…

  • A woman dies and goes to heaven. ...

    21 Nov 2009 | 8:13 pm
    A woman dies and goes to heaven. As St. Peter is processing her, she hears a woman screaming in pain. She looks in the room and sees them drilling holes in the woman's shoulders to fasten the wings. Then she hears a man screaming and sees them drilling holes in his head to fasten the halo."I do not want to go to heaven", she tells St. Peter. "I'll go to the other place.""You don't want to go there", he replies. "They rape and sodomize you down there.""I don't care", she answers. "At least I already have holes for that."
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    J 4 Jokes

  • All Things

    20 Nov 2009 | 7:05 am
    The short joke "All Things" goes like this: Dream makes all things possible... Hope makes all things work... Love makes all things beautiful... And, Smile makes all the above... ...So always BRUSH YOUR TEETH. Related humor and funnies with short jokes, one liners, funny SMS jokes and text jokes: Fooling jokesFooling Around jokesDouble Meaning jokes* * * * * Visit http://j4jokes.blogspot.com for more fun.

  • Unique Like Everyone

    17 Nov 2009 | 10:44 am
    The short joke "Unique Like Everyone" goes like this: Always remember, you are unique - just like everyone else. Related humor and funnies with short jokes, one liners, funny SMS jokes and text jokes: One Liner jokesAdvice jokesConfession jokes* * * * * Visit http://j4jokes.blogspot.com for more fun.

  • Nymphomaniac

    13 Nov 2009 | 10:04 am
    The short joke "Nymphomaniac" goes like this: Lady: I think, I might be a nymphomaniac! Psychiatrist: I'll see what I can do to help you! My fee is $100 an hour. Lady: And, how much for all night? Note: Nymphomania - The presence of abnormally powerful sexual desires in women. Related humor and funnies with short jokes, one liners, funny SMS jokes and text jokes: Adult jokesPsychiatrist jokesMedical jokes* * * * * Visit http://j4jokes.blogspot.com for more fun.

  • Sugar Level

    10 Nov 2009 | 6:52 am
    The short joke "Sugar Level" goes like this: Dumbo enters kitchen, opens sugar container, looks inside and closes it. He does this again and again. Why? Because, his doctor has told him to check sugar level regularly! Related humor and funnies with short jokes, one liners, funny SMS jokes and text jokes: Dumbo Bambo jokesFunny jokesQuestion Answer jokes* * * * * Visit http://j4jokes.blogspot.com for more fun.

  • Jersey

    6 Nov 2009 | 9:44 am
    The short joke "Jersey" goes like this: At a cowshed... Visitor: That cow has a nice color! Farmer: Yes, It's a Jersey. Visitor: Oh, I thought it was its skin! Related humor and funnies with short jokes, one liners, funny SMS jokes and text jokes: Animal jokesFunny jokesColor jokes* * * * * Visit http://j4jokes.blogspot.com for more fun.
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    Buffet o' Blog

  • how to prevent hurricanes

    Buffet O' Blog
    20 Nov 2009 | 9:34 am
    If you know much about weather, you know that mankind does not possess the ability to stop a hurricane.  Hurricanes are kinda like a migraine headache in that regard — unstoppable once it gets going.  In fact, a migraine feels kinda like a hurricane in your head.  Or a tornado.  But I digress. Anyway, we cannot stop a hurricane once it gets started.  I’ve heard that Hurricane Katrina contained the energy equivalent of 150,000 atomic bombs, and released enough of that energy to power the United States for a year.  Amazing!   If only we could capture a fraction of that…

  • free remix of MP3 comedy song

    Buffet O' Blog
    19 Nov 2009 | 3:45 pm
    One of my friends was playing around with his keyboard and some effects it had, like looping drum beats and having laughter tied to the synth part.  He recorded it and sent it to me, just to show what he had done.  It seemed to be lacking something, so I forwarded it to D.J. Funky Dogg, who added some music effects to it, along with various sound effects and vocal utterances (plus some, uhh, other utterances).   It’s quite funny, if you find flatulence funny.  So I’m providing the download link for those who enjoy such things.  Just so you know, the file is about 1MB and the…

  • celebrating 300,000 pageviews

    Buffet O' Blog
    18 Nov 2009 | 4:12 pm
    If you ever glance at the counter near the bottom of the sidebar, you might’ve noticed that yesterday we went over 300,000 hits / pageviews.  That’s quite an accomplishment, I think.  Perhaps that will prevent certain other bloggers from calling this blog obscure (not that we listen to them anyway, especially when they don’t even visit their own blog!). Anyway, I think this calls for a celebration.   It’s a big milestone (albeit arbitrarily chosen, but it’s a large round number with many round numbers).  I suspect many blogs never reach that many viewers.

  • caption contest, car jumping over edge, on fire

    Buffet O' Blog
    16 Nov 2009 | 9:04 pm
    It’s that time of the week again — time for another caption contest!  This week’s photo is action-packed, featuring a car jumping over the edge, and it’s ON FIRE!  Surely there’s an interesting story behind this picture.  It’s up to you to figure it out. (To see the other caption contests, click on the “Say What?” category in the sidebar.) Posted in Say What?

  • deep-fried butter

    Buffet O' Blog
    13 Nov 2009 | 9:32 pm
    Here at Buffet o’ Blog, we’ve been known to experiment with various new food creations (see our Buffet o’ Bacon series), and we enjoy discussing the potential of new ideas.  Something we heard about is deep-fried butter, which debuted at the Texas State Fair this year. The creator says it tastes like a mix between a biscuit or a croissant that is stuffed full of butter.   He also offers varieties with flavored butters: garlic, grape, or cherry. Apparently the Texas State Fair has started a tradition of trying everything deep-fried, because this year they introduced many…
 
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    The Planets Best Political Humor at RadioactiveLiberty.com

  • Obama Care vs Mammograms

    Les James
    20 Nov 2009 | 12:58 pm
    *** When you’re finished reading this, you can either click through to leave a comment or retweet on Twitter.

  • Obama Bows to Japan’s Emperor

    Fiar
    17 Nov 2009 | 9:30 am
    A lot of fuss has been made about President Obama bowing to Japanese Emperor Akihito. For some reason, people seem to think that it is poor form for the leader of the United States of America to act in a manner that appears subservient to some dirty foreigner. I, however, am under the belief that there has simply been a big misunderstanding. Through spectral analysis, and a bunch of other sciencey and engineerific methods, I have been able to thoroughly examine the photo of Obama bowing and come to the conclusion that he was NOT, in fact, bowing. Harvey at Imao.Us surmised that Obama made a…

  • Discovery! 1 Million Saved, or Created Jobs

    Fiar
    16 Nov 2009 | 4:00 am
    Eric reveals the double secret knowledge behind the 1 million jobs that have been created or saved by the economic stimulus package. In an exclusive, I have discovered the source of millions of created or saved jobs. Now this isn’t some creative calculator art or fishiness, these are real, genuine, factually created or saved jobs. These jobs are funded and backed by and have been saved or created by the stimulus. Now you may ask how I can prove such a thing. So here is my proof: Every two weeks I receive a check ($44) that is clearly labeled THIS FEDERAL ADDITIONAL COMPENSATION (FAC) CHECK…

  • Government Bailouts? Watch What You Ask For

    Les James
    15 Nov 2009 | 5:00 am
    Our scene opens in a very dark place. “Damn, who farted?” “Wasn’t me.” “Me either.” “Or me.” “Likewise.” “Ditto.” “How many people are in here?” “Quite a few.” “Hell if I know.” “A lot.” “Did someone say Hell?” “Yeah, I did. Why?” “Because that’s something I know a lot about.” “Shit, there’s that smell again.” “Wow. It’s like rotten eggs.” “It’s brimstone.” “What?” “He said, it’s brimstone!” “I heard him.” “Karen, is that you?” “Roger? Yeah, it’s me, and I’ve got…

  • Tea Bag People and Proud of It

    Les James
    13 Nov 2009 | 5:00 am
    What you do, as a heterosexual couple behind closed doors, is your own business. What the rest of you do, is something I don’t even want to contemplate. I thought we were going to get rid of these disparaging remarks, when the Messiah came into office. I thought it was going to be illegal, or something. Why then does the Far Left think its alright to label us as Tea Baggers, a sex practice? Actually, I don’t care, and won’t tell you if this is something I enjoy or not.  But… Here’s an idea, why not give them a label that fits their personalities? Let’s…
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    Luggage Tuesdays

  • Rejected Rejection Letters

    11 Nov 2009 | 8:34 am
    Congratulations. You have been accepted to our academic instituation for the fall of...wait a minute, that's wrong. End dictation. [Inaudible] ...send this. Signed, University Dean Dictated but not read *** Dear John, As the war wages on, I don't know how long I can go on without knowing if I'll ever see you again. Granted, neither of us are in the service, and last time we saw each other was this morning in bed. Jane *** Thank you for your submission. Unfortunately we don't consider it up to the standards of the New Yorker. Yours, Editors of Atlantic Monthly *** Thanks for meeting us about…

  • Tom Swifties Salad Jokes 2009

    6 Nov 2009 | 8:27 am
    File under: Salad Jokes. See also: Tom Swifty jokes on Wikipedia. "This salad genuinely complements my meal," Tom Swifty said organically. "I'll have the Caesar salad," Tom said imperially. "Artichoke salad should never be served grilled," said Tom cold-heartedly. "That's crazy talk to say all I do is talk about radicchio," Tom said ridiculously. "I nearly choked on this spicy ranch dressing," Tom said hoarsely. "I spent all night deveining ribs of celery," said Tom, strung-out. "I love to eat my salad rolled into a flour tortilla," Tom said raptly. "All these vegetables grew from my compost…

  • Family Restaurant Menu, Part 16: Last Meals

    28 Oct 2009 | 12:43 am
    Choice of prix fixe menu or all-you-can-eat-buffet. Reservations through Governor's office only. Not available in every state. Alcohol no longer served with meal, thanks to one troublemaker. No substitutions. Spoons only. No shirt, no shoes, no pardons. Prix Fixe Menu. First Course: Appetizer. New! Finger Food Five Point to anything on the menu and we'll serve it as an appetizer (Limit 5 points). Second Course: Chili. New! 1001 Meats You Must Eat before You Die Chili Not affiliated with the book, 1001 Meats You Must Eat Before You Die. Chili served cold to prevent guard scalding. Third…

  • #VH1BKFAIL

    15 Oct 2009 | 8:35 am
    On October 3, 2009, VH-1 aired the entire documentary Anvil! The Story of Anvil without interruptions. This commercial-free broadcast was sponsored by Burger King, whose logo appears at only a couple of inappropriate times.

  • Plug: Mike Spiegelman on Hanging Out with Vahe Hovak and Chris Schiappacasse

    28 Sep 2009 | 12:58 pm
    Luggage Tuesdays' own Mike Spiegelman hangs out on YouTube sensation "Hanging Out with Vahe Hovak and Chris Schiappacasse." Mike tells many salad jokes featured from this site. See it here. Language, adult content.
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    Happy Meals & Happy Hour

  • Weekend LOL Video

    HappyHourSue
    21 Nov 2009 | 11:58 am
    In honor of New Moon opening Friday.....

  • Random Crap

    HappyHourSue
    17 Nov 2009 | 2:13 pm
    Disclaimer: This post has no topic sentence, well-structured body, summary or conclusion. Anyone wishing to exit the blog may do so at this time. Exits are located at the front, sides and rear of the blog. OK, first up: "Funny Things Husbands Do". Yeah. That's the kitchen TV remote velcroed to the TV. So when we want to turn on the TV from across the room, we have to walk all the way over to it, remove the remote from its handy holster, then use it. I'm just sayin'.  It's called a "remote" for a reason. Moving on. Do we not have any OTHER photos of Kalid Sheik Mohammed ? I call this one…

  • Weekend LOL Video

    HappyHourSue
    14 Nov 2009 | 2:25 pm
    I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I just think this is hilarious and some of you won't but it's my blog. Ray Amsley's Self Defense - watch more funny videos

  • The One Where The Kid Walks In On Us

    HappyHourSue
    9 Nov 2009 | 10:54 am
    Holy Mother of God. I really never thought this day would come. We've been locking the bedroom door for 13 years. THIRTEEN YEARS, people.......Thirteen years that, while rife with interruptions ("Mom? Mommy? Mom? Where are you? Mom? Mom! MOM!!").......have never experienced a security breach. Until Saturday. This? was a security fail of epic proportions. Apparently my husband in his - retardation enthusiasm  - turned the lock in the door handle but didn't shut it completely so the latch never engaged. Fast forward to Repertoire Move #4.5, Stage II and cue 9 year…

  • Weekend LOL Video

    HappyHourSue
    7 Nov 2009 | 7:38 am
    An oldie but a goodie....... Kid has a totally awesome freakout over his mom cancelling his "World of Warcraft" video game account.
 
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    YepYep - Your Daily Waste Of Time

  • Home Stretch: Links To Round Out The Work Day

    gibbs12
    20 Nov 2009 | 11:30 am
    Home Stretch is your daily hot link action intended to help you reach 5PM faster. Posted at 2:30PMish CST everyday, email me if you’ve got a link that belongs here. Tim Tebow’s not girlfriend is going to be in Playboy.  [Deadspin] An Honest Butcher Shop.  [Uncoached] Read this chat transcript NOW!  [Top Cultured] Funniest Barack Photoshops.  [Super Tremendous] Reviewing A Local Arby’s.  [Funny Crave] A Look Back At Sports Commercial Characters.  [LOCG] Soldier Selling Ad Space On His Arm.  [Steady Burn] Incredible Senior Prank.  [TruTV] KKK Rallies To Protest Ole Miss…

  • AHHHHHHHH!

    gibbs12
    19 Nov 2009 | 6:53 pm
    THANKS ERIC

  • Greased Floor WIN

    gibbs12
    19 Nov 2009 | 5:40 pm
    In case you missed NextRound’s Girls Doing Risky Business post the other day, watch this video:

  • Word Of The Week: Slampiece

    gibbs12
    19 Nov 2009 | 4:44 pm
    Brooke Hundley is the chick who got her 15 minutes last month for being the crazy chick that Steve Phillips had an affair with.  Her time in the spotlight has extended now that she “friends” anyone that asks on Facebook.  This allows bloggers to make comments and/or get screen grabs like this:

  • Black By Popular Demand

    gibbs12
    19 Nov 2009 | 4:43 pm
    This makes me laugh. via buzzfeed
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    DeadRooster.com

  • Tweetings From 3000 Feet

    William McCamment
    12 Nov 2009 | 6:32 pm
    The main reason I got an iPhone—aside from the fact that my previous RAZR phone had reception equal to that of a 1960’s short-wave radio (”Come-in Tokyo!”)—was so I could keep connected to the internet and my billions of fans no matter where I was or what I was doing. So, on Monday, I decided to take it up in a hot air balloon. Normally, I don’t fly much, but when there are too many people for the mid-sized balloon but not really enough for the big balloon, the pilot likes to have some extra weight in the basket for maneuverability, so one of the crew guys…

  • Drinking Beer Not That Exciting Anymore

    William McCamment
    30 Oct 2009 | 12:53 pm
    The great thing about being a hoarder and never throwing anything away, is that you are often nostalgically surprised when you pull something out of a box you’ve had stored in the attic for 20-years. Take this Farfrompüken t-shirt I discovered this morning. This thing brings back memories. Memories such as waking-up under a freeway overpass in a shopping cart and wondering at what point during the previous night I agreed to wearing a “Picasso-deranged” version of clown makeup. It’s funny how, when you’re in your early twenties, spending two hours in the imported…

  • How to Poken a Dead Rooster in Public

    William McCamment
    23 Oct 2009 | 1:07 pm
    In the past, when anyone asked how they could find me online, I usually just told them to type Incredibly Hot Men into Google and hit the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button. But the way Google keeps changing its indexing criteria, it’s only a matter of time before it improperly redirects to the website of a slightly less-hot guy such as George Clooney or Abraham Lincoln. But soon, none of that will make any difference because everyone will be carrying a little gadget called a Poken that, when held together with the Poken of someone you want to exchange online info with,…

  • Celebrity Ghost Stories: Dead Rooster Author Tells His Tale

    William McCamment
    20 Oct 2009 | 10:08 am
    Its cold, black eye-holes began glowing with hell’s orange embers, and when it opened its mouth, I thought it was trying to speak, but to my horror, it was merely a build-up of maggots forcing its jaws and spilling onto the floor like globs of writhing oatmeal. OK, not quite. What really happened was this: It was in the fall of 1992, and I was working as a quality control manager for an aerospace firm called American Automated Engineering in Huntington Beach, California. I had heard random stories of ghosts in that building for the full 7 years I worked there, but, aside from a few…
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    PassiveAggressiveNotes.com

  • Those that have the most to gain

    kerry
    19 Nov 2009 | 9:03 pm
    Shawna in Toronto spotted this note during a visit to her grandparents’ condo in Miami. The only remaining evidence of “despicable vandalism,” she says, was a bit of scratched paint. Making “those that have the most to gain”…the painting contractors? related: be informed, homeland security will be

  • pomp and circumvent

    kerry
    18 Nov 2009 | 8:16 pm
    Who needs a water cooler? Nothing fosters “community” like shared networked printers! Need proof? First up, an anonymous submission from a cubicle farm in Rochester Hills, Michigan. (Not pictured, our submitter says: two additional copies of the same “Pomptly” note to the left and right of the original.) And from Illinois… From Omaha, Nebraska… (And from Brooklyn…and just about everywhere else, from Glastonbury, Connecticut to Geneva, Switzerland.) Meanwhile, Melissa from San Francisco was recently at the D.C. bureau of a news magazine for a press…

  • Gee, that’ll show ’em

    kerry
    17 Nov 2009 | 7:25 pm
    Exhibit a) The “urban” example, from the Silver Lake neighborhood of L.A… Exhibit b) The equally ineffectual suburban cousin of exhibit a, from “a quiet, small community in San Diego where the residents are basically all over 50.” related: bleak house

  • Ever wonder why Facebook doesn’t come with a “dislike” button?

    kerry
    16 Nov 2009 | 7:29 pm
    Maybe ’cause it would only draw more attention to douche-canoes like these. related: facebook: a place for navel-gazing narcissists extra credit: how to add a dislike button to facebook [lifehacker]

  • Sounds like somebody’s got a case of the Mondays…

    kerry
    15 Nov 2009 | 6:01 pm
    Perhaps Dirty Lady #2 got an office job? related: the most disgusting thing is a nasty lady
 
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    Guyism » humor

  • This bus sign probably shouldn’t be necessary

    Chris Spags
    20 Nov 2009 | 1:23 pm
    There are a lot of fairly obvious signs out there since a significant portion of society is borderline retarded. But this sign found on a bus seems a bit common sense. Some things should be able to be left unspoken. Well, if you’re going to say that gang rape isn’t allowed, you should probably also mention that other types of rape are off too. It might be confusing to some people. Imagine if someone got caught in a one-on-one rape situation, under the impression that it was socially acceptable and legal in this magic bus. I bet he’d just stop to apologize and go, “Aw…

  • Quote of the Day

    Chris Spags
    20 Nov 2009 | 11:37 am
    When you’re robbing a donut shop, it’s important to be creative to make sure that no one catches you. I don’t know why that’d be true, but I like the way these criminals think: They robbed an Indiana Dunkin Donuts and made the workers there take off their pants. Two employees were forced to take off their pants during a robbery at a doughnut shop in a busy part of downtown early Friday morning.The robbery happened at the Dunkin Donuts at the corner of Washington and Pennsylvania streets at about 5:15 a.m., 6News’ Julie Pursley reported.The employees, a male and a…

  • Miss Gay Brazil gets her wig ripped off by a bitter competitor

    Chris Spags
    20 Nov 2009 | 10:10 am
    People regularly stop me on the street and go, “Chris, we love Guyism. But I have to ask, when are you going to cover the Miss Gay Brazil pageant?” And I have to tell them that I just don’t know, we’re so busy with all the hot chick stuff and Utah senator double entendres that it’s hard to fit in. But today is your lucky day fictional people stopping me on the street…Miss Gay Brazil got hisher wig torn off in hilarious fashion. The best part is how you can totally see the anger rising in the wig thief behind himher (see himher there in the still shot,…

  • Peruvian gang killed people for their fat

    Chris Spags
    20 Nov 2009 | 9:40 am
    Don’t get this headline confused; this is not a case of a Peruvian gang killing people because they hated obesity but rather because they wanted to take the fat people, harvest them, and then sell their fat on the black market. So…at least they’re thinking outside the box. Police say a gang in the Peruvian jungle has been killing people and draining fat from the corpses to sell on the black market for use in cosmetics, although medical experts say they doubt a major market for fat exists.Three suspects confessed to killing five people, but the gang may have been involved in…

  • Cleveland TV station has bad closed-captioning on the weather

    Chris Spags
    20 Nov 2009 | 7:09 am
    If there’s one thing I learned at a young age, it’s that people with disabilities are just as capable of success as you or I am (unless there aren’t ramps by the entrance to a building). But many people with disabilities persevere and achieve great things. Unfortunately, we don’t make it easy on them, as seen in this clip of closed captioning for the weather on a Cleveland news station. In the closed captioner’s defense, it is pretty dangerous out there on the roads when your cats get weeded down again, especially when they said they don’t get what it down.
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    Regretful Morning» Drinking stories, walks of shame, Funny videos

  • Alone in the Dark

    Jason
    20 Nov 2009 | 1:10 pm
    This movie kind of sucked but the shirt is awesome.  Move along, there aren’t any puns in this picture.. Popular Links: What If Fedor Fought For The UFC? – Ask Men Devils Travis Zajac Scores Crazy Shootout Goal – TPS 6 lame celebrities whom you forgot were awesome – Guyism The 5 Types Of F*** Buddies A Man Can Have [...]

  • TGIF Hottie: Gisele is back!

    Jason
    20 Nov 2009 | 8:15 am
    I’ve always had a soft spot for this blonde bombshell who goes by Gisele. And by soft spot I mean raging boner. FOUNDRY CAMS: Gisele is The One – Watch more Funny Videos

  • Hockey celebration doesn’t end well

    regretfu
    20 Nov 2009 | 1:00 am
    Sweet goal bro. Too bad this isn’t NBA jam. NT on breaking the glass though. Hockey Goal Celebration Failure – Watch more Funny Videos

  • I love cake, fail

    Jason
    19 Nov 2009 | 12:03 pm
    In his defense: That chocolate cake had cherries on top. Popular Links: How To Pole Dance – Ask Men Dog Thrown From Bridge Gets Treatment At The Vets – Totally Crap Internet Application For Adults – College Humor Pregnant 11 year-old gives birth on her wedding day – Guyism Tom Cruise’s Leaked ‘New Moon’ Audition – Screen Junkies Hockey Rink Boards [...]

  • My Girlfriend’s vagina is loose, what now?

    Jason
    19 Nov 2009 | 8:42 am
    A lot of you know what it’s like to encounter a vagina that’s been around the block a time or six. Many scholars refer to it as “the hotdog down a hallway.” Personally I like to picture one of those Dinner bell triangles that you often see in Westerns. I was too lazy for [...]
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    Id Rather Be Blogging

  • Rush Rush Rush

    Maureen
    16 Nov 2009 | 5:09 am
    What is it about Mondays? Even though I drive a titch over the speed limit, cars were passing me like I was standing still this morning. Well bravo White Compact. In and out you weaved, just to end up one stinkin' car ahead. Well done. You win.What's the rush? It's MONDAY!No I wasn't going to play that game. I plodded on to work knowing full well I was early, keeping calm and relaxed as another work week began.After pulling into my usual spot on the first floor of the parkade, I began my short walk to the office. Yet even inside the garage I couldn't help but notice people were STILL…

  • Just Call Me SuperWoman

    Maureen
    10 Nov 2009 | 8:41 am
    It was a typical day at work; I was running errands around the hospital to break up the mind-numbing number-crunching that kept me chained to my desk all morning. However, little did this mild-mannered employee realize that Fate would soon disrupt her usual routine and test her SuperHuman Powers of intellect and strength.As I stepped aboard the Emergency Room elevator to return to my office, I was joined by three patients headed for the second floor. Unfortunately, the nervous lady last in couldn't figure out where exactly she needed to go, for instead of just pressing "2", she proceeded to…

  • A Lucky Omen

    Maureen
    7 Nov 2009 | 1:23 pm
    It happened four days ago.I was uncharacteristically running ahead of schedule that morning; which allowed me the extreme pleasure of driving into work on nearly deserted roads. As I turned from the highway into the suburbs, a flash at the corner of my right eye caught my attention. A golden-yellow blur was rushing from the grassy clearing and was on a direct course to cross my path. Believing it to be a Retriever or large Labrador leaping in great strides, I slowed to avoid a collision.But as I approached, I gasped. It was a deer. A very large and majestic Doe.Since there was no one else…

  • The Scariest Part of Halloween

    Maureen
    2 Nov 2009 | 7:24 am
    Each year I do it.I tell myself not to, but myself doesn't listen. Ever.As soon as the Halloween candy appears on store shelves (sometime in July, I believe) I begin to stockpile for October 31st. To lessen the pain, I usually purchase one or two bags at a time, making sure that there is:1) At least ONE extra bag of Rockets2) At least ONE bag of good chocolate bars that we like (Peanut Butter Cups, Crispy Crunch and Oh Henry's).and 3) Enough candy for oh, the entire city.For you see, I seem to constantly be under the delusion this is still the 90's when we would be under seige by hundreds of…

  • On The Road Again

    Maureen
    27 Oct 2009 | 9:50 pm
    Aw crap.Now I have Willie Nelson in my head.Getoutgetoutgetout!Sheesh.Last week I jetted off to the bustling metropolis of Edmonton. Well, it was bustling in the West Edmonton Mall at least, where I left many monies in exchange for family gifts and a few trinkets for moi. Oh yeah, and I had a business meeting the next day too... but that was a mere afterthought. I was really there to visit the mall for the first time (but don't tell my boss that).Only two days after returning home I was packing my bags once more. For daughter and I are here in Fargo, on a very short shopping trip before the…
 
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    Magick Sandwich

  • I See Your Breast and Raise You a Penis: A Word Game

    16 Nov 2009 | 2:24 pm
    Today, the United States Preventive Services Task Force released its recommendation that women begin routine breast cancer screening at age 50, instead of 40. It has based this on the modest benefit of mammograms versus the harm of overtreatment. First, let me explain that the study's idea of... ( This is a content summary only. Please click on the title link to read the full story.)

  • A Sneak Attack on Reproductive Rights

    16 Nov 2009 | 10:46 am
    Warning: Today, as always, Magick Sandwich may be offensive to some readers...but not for the usual reasons. In a back room deal brokered to get the votes necessary to pass the House health care bill, one amendment was allowed an up-or-down vote on the floor. The Stupak Amendment passed Saturday... ( This is a content summary only. Please click on the title link to read the full story.)

  • The Canyon of Zeroes

    6 Nov 2009 | 6:30 am
    At Magick Sandwich, we love a parade. We're not made of stone, after all. Once again, the Yankees are champions of baseball!!! So, let me take a moment to explain the title of this post. When I say zeroes, I am not referring to a lack of talent, simply to the excess of zeroes on these people's... ( This is a content summary only. Please click on the title link to read the full story.)

  • I Want My Money Back!

    27 Oct 2009 | 6:45 am
    From Friday's New York Times: Parent alert: the Walt Disney Company is now offering refunds for all those “Baby Einstein” videos that did not make children into geniuses. Obviously, Disney has not been delivering on its implied promise to parents buying Einstein and its other titles, Baby Mozart,... ( This is a content summary only. Please click on the title link to read the full story.)

  • Magick Monday Morning Cartoon

    19 Oct 2009 | 6:39 am
    Here at Magick Sandwich HQ, we've got nothing to say but it's okay. Good morning, good morning, good morning! --from The New Yorker's Cartoon Bank More Mondays: Magick Monday Manscaping Magick Monday Cartoon Just Another Magick Monday ( This is a content summary only. Please click on the title link to read the full story.)
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    Fun Meme Humor & Jokes

  • A Man Sitting Alone

    22 Nov 2009 | 3:57 am
    A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray.”And what will your third wish be?” The man looked at the genie and said, “Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven’t had a first or second wish yet?” ”You have had two wishes already,” the genie said, “but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus,you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left.” ”Okay,” said the man, “I don’t believe this,…

  • Composition of a College Research Paper

    22 Nov 2009 | 3:37 am

  • Sign Translation FAIL

    22 Nov 2009 | 3:35 am

  • WTF? Mirror Under Repair

    22 Nov 2009 | 3:33 am

  • Lucky’s Last Photo

    22 Nov 2009 | 3:31 am
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    The Reasonable Ego

  • Very Small Rocks

    SinisterDan
    8 Nov 2009 | 11:23 am
    There probably is not a sentence adequately dexterous to both excuse and explain my absence for the last seven months. Was I off in an undisclosed location working on the cure for the Lazy Eye while teams of international terrorists swept down upon me one after the other? (Spoiler alert: that’s the next season of ‘24’) Was I down in gutters with a mad old soldier, telling tales of brothers in arms? Was I playing my guitar until my fingers bled like some drawn-out, lame stereotype from 34.6% of every third tier power ballad ever written? Was I learning how to love you like only a hot…

  • I’m With Stupid.

    SinisterDan
    16 Apr 2009 | 8:36 pm
    I thought that I was done; finished with the millstone of writing a blog. I had grieved (mostly by eating pudding), accepted my loss (by learning to make pudding) and moved on (by using my pudding as crack-fill after tasting it). But since the world is a large sphere, a notoriously vindictive shape, I have been forced back. Why? The stupid sings to me. I can hear its song. Admittedly, it’s a song that sounds like a loop of Goofy saying “gorsh!” while an energized accordion is dropped into a vat of oatmeal, but it is a song nonetheless. This may be my new purpose for this space, because…

  • It’s the Stupid Economy, Stupid.

    SinisterDan
    16 Jan 2009 | 3:10 am
    I was twitchy like goldfish to make up some stuff about the farewell address by President Bush. However I was resolute in my inclination to take on a topic that would not require me to watch the President maul the English language one last time. According to media sources, the speech is scheduled to last thirteen minutes. For a President, this is brief. In thirteen minutes, President Clinton could only begin to explain why having some pogo time with a thick-bodied intern was actually just the exercise of making a recess appointment. President Lincoln won the battle of First Antietam in just…

  • Of Tyrants and Boobies.

    SinisterDan
    8 Jan 2009 | 8:47 am
    For weeks this space has remained largely unchanged; haunting and beautiful like a petrified forest. This is not mysterious since this author is a huge, slothful creature unwilling to drag itself from the labyrinthine caves of its birth and into the harsh light of having to write second third rate sarcasm. Upon lifting its leviathan bulk from the Sinister underworld, what does it find? An assload of Google searches for TV chefs with big boobs – that’s what. There are some readers of The Reasonable Ego who are interested in basting their own tenderloin to images of a select number…

  • Canadian Apocalypse.

    SinisterDan
    5 Jan 2009 | 1:10 pm
    Canada is a mysterious place with bags of milk, an inexplicable fondness for the fluids that drip from trees and an amusing game of three-down football that clearly belongs on the short bus of professional sports. However, what is at issue today is the unprecedented political situation in which the nation now finds itself; a non-boring political event has occurred in Canada. That last phrase bears repeating, with a bigger font and in purple. A non-boring political event has occurred in Canada. If it seems that this is unusual for a nation that issues commemorative stamps in honor of the civil…
 
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    Zoomdoggle: More fun than work!

  • SGAOJ S03E03: First Day Of Work

    Scotty Iseri
    12 Nov 2009 | 6:57 am
    Scotty’s got an office job. And a web show. Only, the people in his office have no idea. Fun, right? LINK: Scottyiseri. ShareThis

  • LOOK: Three DD

    jakehimself
    12 Nov 2009 | 6:52 am
    Boobs. In 3D. Some amazing ones. Some not-so-amazing ones (well, they’re all amazing but for different reasons). All of it shot by expert lensman and boob connoisseur Henry Hargreaves. How fun is that? LINK: Three-dd. A million thanks to Paymon for sending it my way… you motor-boatin’ son of a bitch! ShareThis

  • FUN READ: Addicted To Cute

    jakehimself
    12 Nov 2009 | 6:52 am
    Got some time to kill? Tired of looking at cat videos? Why not read about looking at cat videos. Vanity Fair explores this thing they call cute over 5 pages in the latest issue (also available after the jump). Interesting stuff. High brow, but fluffy all at once. I approve. LINK: Vanityfair. ShareThis

  • PLAY: Buckyball 2

    jakehimself
    12 Nov 2009 | 6:52 am
    Click the ball once to turn it on, and again to shoot it. Balls in buckets gets you to the next level. Coins rack up points. And as always, there’s so much more to it. Click the pic to make the jump. LINK:Armorgames. ShareThis

  • FUN VIDEO: Imperial March Of The Ducks

    jakehimself
    11 Nov 2009 | 7:03 am
    Funshine supreme, I probably watched it a thousand times. It’s hard to tell which one is in command, but that’s probably how they want it for security reasons. ShareThis
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    The Nothing Report

  • Halloween is Like Wal-Mart Cosplay

    Beau Horner
    31 Oct 2009 | 3:32 pm
    It's again one of those days that are supposedly there to either fatten wallets or entertain innocent children by doing things that don't normally make sense in any other context. Halloween is one of these "special days" among our all-time favorites like Saturnalia, Gluttony Day, Catholic Cherub Day, Abnormal Rabbit Reproduction Day, and the ever famous "It's Alright to Be a Drunk Today Day". We help that one out by "celebrating" Show Your Boobs for Beads Day and Mexican Alcoholic Day.I'm known to be a dick for not celebrating holidays because it's my perogative to inform lonely people on…

  • The Nothing Report @ Wiki Answers For the Win

    Beau Horner
    23 Oct 2009 | 1:35 am
    Behold, The Nothing Report is now on Wiki Answers, defeating the most simple of questions.....Well... I'm on there.I'm going by the user name "BailNobra", just because it's my favorite Robot Chicken clip; so be my guest, ask a stupid question. Someone is probably waiting in the shadows to give you an even more stupid answer.

  • The Pork Medallion Maneuver (Patent Pending)

    Beau Horner
    11 Oct 2009 | 4:19 pm
    I was originally going to write about something the rest of the world thinks is important, like the Obama Peace Prize thingy, or maybe something to do with Marge Simpson letting her "hair down" so to speak, posing nude in Playboy; which should give new meaning to who's "real" and who's not. Those things oddly enough don't interest me... of course neither does non-dwarf slapstick, but what I had in mind should inspire you to .....uh.....not be influenced by my idea?Have you ever known there was something a little off about your license or vehicle as far as expiration, insurance lapse, etc.

  • O.J. Says: "It's Not a Tumor"...or Was That Someone Else?

    Beau Horner
    7 Oct 2009 | 11:54 pm
    With all the excitement involving my web show and the fact that somewhere in the world, right now, there is a two-toed sloth just pounding away on his fuzzy female, one couldn't possibly be able to contain themselves. Here we have the dilemma to live our lives without taking into consideration that there might have been things that we missed along the way. For example, The Cold War did not have any snowball fights.....none that we know of anyway. Someone probably stole $20 from your wallet/purse last week. By the way, thanks, guy from the elevator. Where the f#$% do ball-point pens go as soon…

  • For the Love of Comedy

    Beau Horner
    4 Oct 2009 | 12:51 pm
    The reason why I haven't been posting lately is that I and a trusted colleague of mine have been working on coming up with a web show to make its debut as soon as possible. We've had the idea in our heads for a little while now, but now we have the means to get things done; so be patient with me, my three little readers. I would love to share everything that 's going to be included in this show, but it's a surprise and we all love surprises, don't we? However, what I can tell you is, we have openings for some cast members and I'm only going to be casting people in the local area (God help…
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    Urban Prankster

  • Adding a Park to an Empty Lot

    Charlie Todd
    19 Nov 2009 | 4:20 am
    Sean Martindale created this lovely project in Toronto. He writes: For some time now, the spot in has been relatively empty aside from mud, waste and strewn garbage. There’s an application to build condos on the site. It has remained undisturbed since Monday and I watered it yesterday because there hasn’t been any rain lately… Grass is pretty resilient, so it should survive and take root unless/until somebody removes it. Joe Clement assisted me with the install. via Wooster Collective Related posts:Park(ing) Day 2009No Longer Empty

  • Alien Trash Can in Holland

    Charlie Todd
    16 Nov 2009 | 4:12 am
    Created by artists Job Willemsen and Tom v.d. Hurk in Arnhem. Via Wooster Collective Related posts:Tom Hanks Trash CanAdding a Park to an Empty Lot

  • Fork in the Road

    Charlie Todd
    13 Nov 2009 | 4:06 am
    A fork in the road mysteriously appeared in Pasadena. KTLA has the scoop, complete with lame pun at the end:   (thanks Rob) Related posts:How to Hack an Electronic Road Sign

  • Super Hero Changing Station

    Charlie Todd
    11 Nov 2009 | 3:51 am
    New York City has had a ton of phone booth art this fall. Lately it seems like you can’t go for a walk without seeing a great piece by an artist like Jordan Seiler. The above was done by Toronto’s Posterchild, who’s been hanging out in NYC quite a bit lately. I love these unauthorized projects because they’re turning useless eyesores into art. There are certain city blocks in NY that have upwards of 10 public telephones. When is the last time anyone used a payphone? I understand their utility for those who can’t afford or happen to be without a cell phone, but…

  • Urban Cursor

    Alex Scordelis
    9 Nov 2009 | 5:53 am
    Danish designer Sebastian Campion recently brought his Urban Cursor project to the Ingràvid Festival in Figueres, Spain. Passersby moved the cursor, which was mounted on wheels and outfitted with GPS, around the city center. The cursor’s movements were tracked on Google Maps. According to Campion, the object of the project is “to facilitate social interaction and play in public space.” via psfk Related posts:Urban ClownsRed Arrow ProjectGiant Tetris Pieces
 
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    The Offended Blogger

  • The "First They Came...." Offensive

    The Offended Blogger
    20 Nov 2009 | 7:53 am
    No, this is not a post dedicated to the injustice of premature ejaculation. It is actually about the evil of antisemitism, something which has recently affected me personally. Yeah. :( It's just like the poem says: First they came for the communists, blah blah blah; Then they came for the socialists, blah blah blah Blah blah blah, blah blah blah Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out—because I was not a Jew.... Except that last part, because apparently I am a Jew and didn't know it. I only found out by accident while doing my routine "holy shit it's almost 2012 so I better…

  • The "Doin' it Missionary Style" Offensive

    The Offended Blogger
    16 Nov 2009 | 12:45 am
    Yes, I know I obsess a bit over it and I shouldn't feel slighted by this most recent injustice which has been so rudely perpetrated against me by my mortal enemy Google aka the Antichrist, but I just can't help it! I mean honestly, is it my fault that I'd like a little bit of credit for all of the selfless work that I do as a missionary by getting the top spot on Google search?? Ugh! OK, so maybe being 4th out of 14,400,000 isn't so bad but I'm pretty sure there is some sort of evil Google numerology at work there which I'll have to ask my Ouija board dude about later, but still.

  • The "You Can't Always Get What You Want" Offensive

    The Offended Blogger
    12 Nov 2009 | 2:21 pm
    I'm sure you'll agree that there is nothing quite like the injustice of not getting exactly what you want, how you want it, where you want it and when you want it, right? Right! Especially on special occasions like your birthday or anniversary or when someone in the family whom you pretended to love just in case there was an inheritance involved dies OR on really special occasions like every other Wednesday. Don't look at me like that. Hey, every other Wednesday around here just happens to be when Jesus runs his "buy two tacos and get a quarter ounce of sticky, imported "incense" at half…

  • The "Not In MY Backyard!" Offensive

    The Offended Blogger
    2 Nov 2009 | 11:00 pm
    For my first contribution to this month's Humor Bloggers Unite Against Injustice Campaign, I've decided to tackle an issue that hits close to home for me: wild coyotes who feast upon the innocent flesh of unsuspecting teenage folk singers. I know! And it happened right in my own backyard!! OK, so it actually happened in some remote area of Canada, but still. The very idea that it could happen in my backyard is chilling to say the least and we both know that it won't be long before the Canadian coyotes will be bragging to the Montana coyotes and they'll tell the Idaho coyotes and... I know! I…

  • The "What Have You Done For Me Lately?" Offensive

    The Offended Blogger
    29 Oct 2009 | 7:00 am
    After dropping some serious dinero today (read: taco truck money) on enough Halloween candy to give every starving Ethiopian child juvenile diabetes, I had to seriously reconsider whether or not all of the little trick-or-treaters who might show up at my door 2 nights from now are worth sharing it with. It almost made me feel guilty that it only took me all of .0000005 seconds to realize that NO they sure the hell aren't worthy! Hey, it's not my fault that not one of those little bastards have come by even once this year to offer to pull weeds or rake leaves or muck out the barn! Well at…
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    Stuff Christians Like - Jon Acuff

  • What should we talk about this Christmas?

    Jon
    21 Nov 2009 | 3:00 am
    It’s hard to believe we’re already celebrating our second Christmas on Stuff Christians Like. We had a great time last year, my favorite was the elf on the shelf beat down, but it’s almost time to roll out some fresh Christmas flavored ideas. What Christmas idea is currently missing from Stuff Christians Like? What funny Christmas event/food/activity/idea needs to be added to the site? Let’s talk it out in the comments. Five people who comment by Monday, November 23 will win a copy of “Light up the World,” from the Desperation Band. I’ve been listening to it for the last few…

  • Arguing about whether heaven will serve Chick-fil-A or In-n-Out (Part 2)

    Jon
    20 Nov 2009 | 2:00 am
    3 Reasons Chick-fil-A will be served in heaven. (See Part 1 about In-n-Out right here) 1. They really take care of the shortys. After my kids eat a Chick-fil-A kid’s meal, they read the book that came with it, and then quietly clean up the table and give me a big hug because they’ve just learned a lesson about the value of thankfulness. After my kids eat a McDonald’s happy meal, they throw the American Doll miniature toy that came with it on the ground, tell me they need a different one because “Julie is a hippy,” and then proceed to throw rocks at cars driven by old ladies. OK,…

  • What’s your favorite post?

    Jon
    20 Nov 2009 | 1:00 am
    One of the students asked me that last night before I spoke at the Clemson Fellowship for Christian Athletes. And it’s a good question, but I think I gave them the wrong answer. The truth is, I haven’t written my favorite post yet. But I’m about to. In a week. In a month. In whatever timeframe it ends up becoming, I’m about to write my favorite post of all time and I already know what the title is going to be: “We raised enough money to build two kindergartens in Vietnam!” We’re on the doorstep of that moment. At almost $48,000 of our $60,000 goal, we…

  • Arguing about whether heaven will serve Chick-fil-A or In-n-Out (Part 1)

    Jon
    19 Nov 2009 | 2:45 am
    Forget emergent vs. fundamentalist. Forget beer fans vs. teetotalers. Forget small home church vs. megachurch. The issue that is currently dividing the church in half is much more complicated: Chick-fil-A vs. In-n-Out For those of you in parts of the country or the world where neither faith-based fast food restaurant reigns, allow me to invite you into the fray. On the one side, you’ve got Chick-fil-A, a chicken restaurant founded by Truett Cathy in Georgia. On the other side, In-n-Out, a hamburger joint founded by Harry Snyder in California. (Can you sense the east coast vs. west coast…

  • Zakk gets vested!

    Jon
    19 Nov 2009 | 2:30 am
    “I think they’re layering their bangs right now. It’s this kind of a bunching technique that they’re doing.” “Hmmm, are you talking about having one bang go right over his eye? I’ve seen that. Where just one triangular swoop of hair stays over an entire eye the whole time.” “I thought about that, but my concern is that it if we swoop the hair too much it will make him look too emo. The other thing is the tips. Do we frost them?” That’s the conversation Wes Molebash and I had last night. In the last 10 days, he and I have become social anthropologists focused primarily on…
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    Got Funny

  • Sound Audio Technology: Methods To Help You Develop Your Movie Collection

    Tequiefah Hall
    6 Nov 2009 | 12:10 pm
    We all like to watch movies in our spare time. The surround systems we purchase reflect our desire for a rich surround experience. Each year Americans and men and women all over the globe spend multitudes of dollars upgrading their surround audio routine to the most recent technologies available. Numerous men upgrade their surround audio systems for several reasons. While some women love the idea of having the latest in audio technology, others upgrade thinking their older movies will audio better. This is not the case. Older DVD movies are naturally not encoded with the newest audio files.

  • Groomsmen Gifts: Gifts For Tough Guys

    Benedict Perez
    5 Nov 2009 | 7:23 am
    Groomsmen gifts are customarily given during weddings because of its timelessness and significance. These gifts come in many different styles appropriate for the particular groomsman persona, be it young, hip, sensitive types, or conservative, seasoned or renaissance. There are gifts for the sporty, rough, tough guys, unique sports themed, practical, and useful gifts. Likewise there are elegant and luxurious gifts. These gifts should be perfect tokens of appreciation for the best pals. The duties of the groomsmen include not only pertaining to the wedding program itself. It requires him to…

  • Embellishments Using Bows and Ribbons For Wine Wedding Favors

    Harris Roberts
    4 Nov 2009 | 10:06 am
    Among the most elegant gifts you can give on bridal occasions are the wine wedding favors. This is of course a costly type of gift giving as this is by nature a form of sophistication and elegance. Favors like these characterize a lavish reception regardless of where the reception is being held. Wines are of several types of blends and often come with some corresponding accessories which are terrific items for souvenirs. These wine wedding favors together with their accessories are best mementos when personalized. The essence of the giver always goes with these personalized gifts for they…

  • Affordable Play Kitchens For Kids

    Danny Stevens
    4 Nov 2009 | 8:47 am
    Play kitchens for kids are now among the most sought after play things in the market. Parents also grab this thing for their kids for varied reasons. Some would love to have it for their children to enjoy and have real fun playing with it. Others want it for a more serious purpose of trying to enhance their children’s total development in an entertaining manner. Both kids and parents simply love this awesome play thing for varied reasons. Regardless of what kind of purpose play kitchens for kids may have, it is essential for it to serve its primary purpose entertaining kids while…

  • Best Comedy Shows Of All Time

    Hank Evans
    3 Nov 2009 | 2:43 pm
    Everybody Loves Raymond (1996-2005): Everybody loves put-upon Ray, who tries to please wife Debra, nosy ‘rents Marie and Frank and jealous bro Robert. The Barones didn’t always have happy days, but their dysfunctional family was one of the most realistic. Hogan’s Heroes (1965-1971): You have to respect a sitcom that managed to wring laughs from a Nazi POW camp setting. Even more impressive: It was a one-note joke that kept viewers tuning in. What new ways would Col. Hogan and his clever crew find to trick bumbling Col. Klink and Schultz into giving up classified info to…
 
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    Other than that, how'd you like the play Mrs. Lincoln?

  • Staycation is on...in 8 hours

    20 Nov 2009 | 6:19 am
    Looks like I'm not working so much next week.Oh sure, I'm with the Q City Players tonight (and two shows on Sunday).You could call that work...but I lean towards that being play with benefits.Get to be a part of Turkeyfest tomorrow, and watch Ohio State beat that team up north later on...Backyard football and hanging with our small group, so there will be stretching out and diagraming plays...  But I'm still looking for great ideas for late November in Cincinnati.Ideas?

  • The Doctor is on the Table

    19 Nov 2009 | 4:06 am
    A friend of mine came up with the idea of a series of tubes that would traverse a breakfast restaurant.  You would then have unfettered access to delicious coffee right at your table.I'd forgotten about this genius idea until today, while listening to a podcast...someone submitted the idea that individual tables should have fountain machines.GENIUSWhat's not great about that?You can't think of anything, right?O.K. maybe you like to shoot holes in even the greatest of ideas.-What about the cost Sean?  it cost about 2 cents to fill up a glass of delicious Diet Dr. Pepper...and they'll…

  • Dear Diary

    18 Nov 2009 | 4:33 am
    I'm thinking of taking some time off next week.  I'm off on Monday, Thursday and Friday already...so what's the problem with two more days hanging with my homies?I can catch up on my L. Ron Hubbard booksI can redo my New Year's Resolutions for '09 so they're more attainableI can finally get Cooper out in Simon SaysI can finish up my quest to get a free Wii for the little onesHere's the problemI have one meeting on Tuesday that I'll have to move around...and I'm not sure I have the guy's number to call and reschedulealso...I haven't really planned any spectacular vacation…

  • Q City Players Show this Friday

    17 Nov 2009 | 3:46 am
    We made a movie. (and by "we" I mean Joe) and then did a few private shows (nothing naughty...unless you count C-Day mounting everyone at some point) and now we're doing a few shows out in the public.            One that I'm particularly excited about is this Friday at my favorite Coffee House.  We'll be in Clifton Friday night and I'm interested in seeing how that will go.  If you haven't been to TAZA, you're in for a treat.  It's a cool setup and they definitely weren't thinking nationally famous improvisational troupe…

  • a few quick things

    16 Nov 2009 | 5:31 am
    1.  I don't want to be anyone's neighbor in the coaster kingdom on Facebook.  It's nothing personal...I think you're great, I just have no idea what that actually is...and it's a horrible time to move right now.  Same for accepting meatballs and spaghetti from your cafe.  I just don't trust the people in that kitchen.2.  Congratulations to the Bengal's fans.  Your defense played great.  That's what teams that win in the playoffs do.3.  Griff had a great birthday weekend and these past nine years have been the best nine years of my life.4. …
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    NewWest.Net All Headlines

  • Following California off the Cliff

    info@newwest.net
    21 Nov 2009 | 10:23 am
    Heavy use of citizen initiatives is one of the clearest predictions of states that are in danger of following California to the brink of insolvency, according to an extensive survey of state financial problems by the nonpartisan Pew Center on the States. Oregon, looking toward a critical vote in January, is perhaps the next state in danger of insolvency; if voters reject a $733 million tax increase on upper incomes and corporations, the state will face a huge budget deficit even after cutting state spending by $2 billion in the 2009 legislative session. Among the states with the most serious…

  • Saturday: Crapo Delivers National Address on Health Bill

    info@newwest.net
    21 Nov 2009 | 9:16 am
    Saturday, Idaho Senator Mike Crapo delivered a national address on the health care legislation expected to be considered by the U.S. Senate Saturday evening.  Crapo was chosen by Senate Republican Leader Mitch McConnell to offer the Republican response to the President's weekly radio address.  A vote in the Senate on whether or not to allow debate on the bill is expected Saturday night.

  • Young Men and Fire: Timothy Egan's The Big Burn

    info@newwest.net
    21 Nov 2009 | 7:00 am
    The Big Burn: Teddy Roosevelt & The Fire That Saved America by Timothy Egan Houghton Mifflin Harcourt, 324 pages, $27 In August of 1910, the largest fire ever to sweep across forests in the United States claimed trees, buildings, and lives across a stretch of three million acres in the Rocky Mountains.  Timothy Egan writes in his follow-up to The Worst Hard Time, his National Book Award-winning exploration of the Dustbowl, that this blaze was known as The Big Burn, and it stretched from central Idaho, east into Montana, west into Washington, north into British Columbia. The smoke…

  • Resorts Hope Olympics will be Golden for Snow Sports

    info@newwest.net
    20 Nov 2009 | 1:12 am
    Skiing and snowboarding aren't exactly the TV spectacles that baseball and football are in this country, but every four years when the Winter Olympics roll around, they have their moment in the spotlight. Resort operators hope the Olympics will inspire more people to get out on the slopes this winter, and more traveling skiers to avoid Vancouver's crowds to come to ski areas south of the border. The Olympics coming up are going to bring so much attention to the sport of skiing and ski resorts, says Billy Kidd, a former Olympian and director of skiing at Colorado's Steamboat Mountain Resort,…

  • Grizzlies On the Move, Back to the Wide-Open Prairie

    info@newwest.net
    19 Nov 2009 | 5:47 pm
    Montanans living along the winding Teton River, well east of the Rocky Mountain Front were quick to notice their new neighbor this summer. As early as the beginning of July, ranchers and other landowners along the prairie began intermittently spotting a solitary grizzly bear journeying east away from the mountains. Residents of the rural grasslands, including Mike Madel, Montana Fish, Wildlife and Park's Region 4 Grizzly Bear Management Specialist based in Choteau, were even more surprised in mid-July when members of a local ranching family captured photographs of the lone bear on their land…
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    Flabbergastedly

  • Pictures guys don’t want to see for various reasons

    flabbergastedly
    14 Nov 2009 | 4:14 am
    WARNING: This is extremely NOT SAFE FOR WORK. If you are in any way faint of heart or squeamish or easily offended, do NOT click the “see more here” below. The following pictures can be seen as offensive, repulsive, disgusting and provoking. There, I warned you.

  • When plastic coating ruled

    flabbergastedly
    14 Nov 2009 | 3:49 am

  • Lollies

    flabbergastedly
    14 Nov 2009 | 3:34 am
    Pics that make me laugh for various reasons. For more Lollies, click here<– and here<–

  • Good Boys

    flabbergastedly
    14 Nov 2009 | 3:30 am

  • Why Dogs May Rightfully Kill Us II

    flabbergastedly
    12 Oct 2009 | 2:04 pm
    DON’T FORGET TO CHECK OUT THE UPDATED OVERVIEW OF ALL THE OUTRAGEOUS PICS AND POSTS ON THIS SITE! To see the first reasons for dogs rightfully killing us: click here
 
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    The Habitation of Justice

  • Why I don’t blog about politics, the news (and other things that makes me want to kill people and break stuff.)

    Lincoln Adams
    18 Nov 2009 | 1:05 pm
    I think the title explains it all. Generally I pride myself for having a high threshold of tolerance for many things in life that other people would normally make their pet peeves. Politics, however, is not one of them. Indeed, the mere suggestion of anything even remotely passing a positive remark about Captain Anus (otherwise known as Mmm Mmm MMMMM, Barack HUSSEIN Obama) would cause me to explode in a fiery violent rage that would put even the Incredible Hulk to shame. I’m beyond discussing this crap now. These days, I would simply resort to violence as I quickly look around for a…

  • My encounter with the locals (and why I must avoid them at all costs)

    Lincoln Adams
    17 Nov 2009 | 6:39 pm
    Yesterday was my last day off before I had to head back to work, so I decided to make the most of it by doing a relaxing afternoon of geocaching. First one I found was at a park where I once worked as a camp counselor, bringing back fond memories of getting jumped and beaten by a bunch of 10 year old snotheads 5 days a week. Ah yes, memories. The next one was hidden in a what used to be a creek, long since dried up. The area was now a public plot of land that cut through an entire neighborhood and eventually ended at the grounds of a local high school. After checking the coordinates and…

  • Losing My Head at Sleepy Hollow

    Lincoln Adams
    16 Nov 2009 | 6:30 pm
    So yesterday I took a trip to Sleepy Hollow and Tarrytown for the day. Why you ask? Because I just like to do stupid, random crap for no particular reason at all. Plus I hear the babes like that sort of thing, so consider this my way of practicing. My first stop was at a local park that offered a magnificent view of the Tappan Zee Bridge. They had an awesome boardwalk literally next to the Hudson River, making for a lovely and quiet morning walk. That is, it would have been a lovely walk had I not run into this: Yep, that pretty much sums up my life. I could have hopped the fence, but this…

  • Guess where I am?

    Lincoln Adams
    15 Nov 2009 | 3:21 pm
    Hanging out here in White Plains to wait out the bad traffic. Copyright © 2006-2009, http://habitationofjustice.com. ( digitalfingerprint: b4ac507ddf2366786xfiles (74.125.44.136) )

  • All this rain brings more pain than the rains from the plains of Spain

    Lincoln Adams
    14 Nov 2009 | 3:22 pm
    I’ve had all week off from work due to finagling my time around and connecting Election Day and Veterans Day to my usual time off. One of the reasons October/November continues to be my favorite months. But then of course, it rains. And rains, and rains, and rains, and rains, and rains… Man, I don’t think I’ve seen the sun since Monday. This dude is not pleased. So instead, I opt to go to the movies, but this time I wanted to check out one that had closed captioning available. There was only one nearby that captioned a movie I wanted to see (2012), so I decided to…
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    Pinhole's Blog

  • The Lotht Thimble - Prologue

    Pinhole
    15 Nov 2009 | 9:41 am
    Lucy Satterthwaite began frantically threading her embroidery machine as the footsteps drew nearer.  Her ancestry had prepared her for this moment, but she had hoped it would never arrive.A quick pass through the eye of the needle, then load the computer program.Sliding the CD back into its storage slot she heard a dull “Thud” as the one-eyed dwarf misjudged his distance from the workroom door.  Muffled curses preceded the intruder into the back room of the dry cleaners.Staring blankly at each other, Lucy finally broke the silence.“You’re supposed to ask me where it…

  • Coming Thoon!

    Pinhole
    27 Oct 2009 | 3:22 pm
    Thtorieth abound…thorry, er…sorry.  Stories abound.  Tales of clandestine societies with incalculable influence over the founding of The United States of America.  Patterns of intrigue weaving themselves around a profession as old as civilization.FactSewing harkens back to the Paleolithic Era.Originally, needles, like weapons, were manufactured from bone, ivory and thorns.A child playing under a quilting frame in the basement of a Methodist church, while his Grandma pieced the item together with the rest of her guild, who bashed his shin on the leg of the frame and…

  • Maybe A Nice Tweed...

    Pinhole
    21 Oct 2009 | 5:05 pm
    For the past couple of years a cheap electric guitar has leered at me from the corner of my computer/drawing room.  My fingers and I finally had a long talk where we decided it was either time to learn to play the thing, or drape a jacket over it so it couldn’t make fun of us.By Tuesday it became obvious why the term “fret” was employed in describing the sectioning of the neck of the guitar.  Fretting notes, fretting chords, fretting that I wouldn’t be able to control the bleeding at the tips of my fingers.  There was obviously more to learning this instrument than I…

  • Colored Water - The World of Zach Babat

    Pinhole
    19 Oct 2009 | 3:56 pm
    Love has grown weary from over exertion.  The word, I mean.  The concept actually lost all relevance in the Sixties, about the time Coca Cola decided they’d like to buy the entire world an ice-cold beverage.  It’s far too common to hear someone mention their “love” of the late Farrah Fawcett’s hair, a particular movie, or French fries, and in the same breath proclaim an unending affection for their children.  I always wonder how much therapy is required when said child realizes his or her parents are as passionate about them as they are a crisp golden potato…

  • And Awaaaaay We Go!

    Pinhole
    13 Oct 2009 | 6:05 pm
    Rocks don’t need maps.  It’s not that rocks don’t experience movement; they simply don’t experience a choice in manner or direction.  Wind, water, the whim of some child, or adult with too much time on its hands, who wants to see how many times a stone will skip across the pond are a rock’s major modes of transportation.  All requiring no pre-flight plan.  And it turns out that Simon & Garfunkel were right.I am a rock.Lately, it seems the Focus is gathering dust in the garage while I’m bandied about by wind, water and the whims of children and adults with…
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    Small & Big

  • Lost And Ewww

    P.L. Frederick
    20 Nov 2009 | 5:00 pm
    ©2009 P.L. Frederick. Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 3.0 United States License. All other copyrights owned by their respective owners.

  • 11!

    P.L. Frederick
    12 Nov 2009 | 8:11 am
    Woh, yesterday at this time it was 11:11 am on 11/11. The only thing better than this, that the human mind can fathom, is 11/11/11. I have a prophecy. On that day, November 11, 2011, instead of saying “excuse me” after passing gas, “people” will say “presto!”©2009 P.L. Frederick. Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 3.0 United States License. All other copyrights owned by their respective owners.

  • Free Poster For Hanging Over Your Commode

    P.L. Frederick
    11 Nov 2009 | 3:00 pm
    A freebie for those of you living with feline catty kits. Click for the full story.©2009 P.L. Frederick. Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 3.0 United States License. All other copyrights owned by their respective owners.

  • Smoovth [video]

    P.L. Frederick
    10 Nov 2009 | 5:00 pm
    ©2009 P.L. Frederick. Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 3.0 United States License. All other copyrights owned by their respective owners.

  • Clock Changing For Dummies

    P.L. Frederick
    2 Nov 2009 | 3:00 pm
    My President Bush Senior ventriloquist dummy barks, “Read my post: no new times!”The Ethics Of Changing Time, Or 10 Minutes To AbsurdThere are 24 hours in a day. This is one of those truisms you learn when you’re eight, like “You put your tongue on that frozen pipe there’s gonna be trouble,” and “You eat that entire bowl of cashews there’s gonna be trouble.” So why, two times a year, must this change?©2009 P.L. Frederick. Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 3.0 United States License. All other copyrights…
 
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    Chris Wood's blog

  • Credit card companies are miserable, evil swine

    12 Nov 2009 | 10:07 am
    I'm sure you knew that, so maybe this serves as a reminder. However, I was just opening my post, having come home from a hard day of trying to cram some education into the skulls of some of Rochdale's finest - also thickest - young people, when I came across the type of postal cowpat that makes modern civilisation seem like a backward joke.A credit card company, bereft of decency, intelligence or - surprisingly - the slightest awareness of finance, has repeatedly sent me reminders that I owe them a penny. That's read. ONE WHOLE PENNY!The stupid buggers have been sending me these letters for…

  • My harshest critic has always been ... erm, somebody else

    4 Nov 2009 | 8:50 am
    This week, I broke my own record (accidentally) by receiving two (yes that's two, count 'em!) one star reviews on UK Amazon, for my priceless philosophical work Sherlock Holmes and the Underpants of Death.Apparently my sense of humour leaves something to be desired, like the funny bits.I'm all for freedom of speech - let people demand that governments fall, bombs rain like sleet on the heads of that bloke they work with who keeps annoying them and all the rest of it. It follows that I have no objection to them saying this. I really don't.But I do wish they hadn't!Here's a snippet:"I had to…

  • Let's Make With That Can't Do Spirit!

    1 Nov 2009 | 9:16 am
    Tomorrow a new half term begins. I'm at a new school, faced with new students, a new class of arsey rebel 14 year olds who think anyone over 18 is hideously old, decrepit and just waiting for God.I have to say I'm pleased with it. My supply teaching experiences thus far have been fairly good - a mixture of primary and secondary (grade and high school, I think!) schools. Some of have been surprisingly good. At one, in particularly rough area, I was faced with angel faced six year olds, a world away from the hormone gremlins that afflict teens.So far, so good. This morning I awoke with a sense…

  • ... and the big wheel keeps on turning ...

    29 Oct 2009 | 11:13 am
    Today I met with someone I have demonised. At one point I had nothing good to say for him. It's been this way for years, even decades. At times I have tried and tried hard.There are days when just being alive feels like victory. Sometimes the anger stews for so long it sits like vomit inside me, waiting to burst out. Being around people can feel like an invasive chore.Being around this man used to feel like certain types of drug experience: slight nausea on the way, blinding intensity for the duration and the melancholy come down. On my way to meet him, I used to feel like that.After this…

  • Politics Today, Politics Yesterday

    21 Sep 2009 | 4:10 pm
    Before I start this post, a quick question:What's the difference?andDifficult, isn't it? Sean Hannity, Fox anchor, right wing broadcaster and all around conservative mouthpiece, and Benny Hill, funnyman, cheeky fellow and clown.One of these people is politically unsound, always making a fool of himself and is regarded as a product of a bygone era. The other is a deceased comedian who was an expert at slapstick and saucy postcard style humour.One of these people is harmless, the practitioner of views that are out of date today but don't present any real problem - we know better and can laugh…
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    Paris Blog - Stuff Parisians like by Olivier Magny - O Chateau

  • Le Café Gourmand

    Olivier Magny
    15 Nov 2009 | 5:42 am
    Some questions define countries. “Fromage ou dessert?”  once defined France. But France has changed. Making this beautiful question obsolete. And the choice at the end of a meal even easier. For that question had shrunk to a monolithical interrogation: ”Dessert?” Modernity certainly comes at a price.  While dessert is worthy of a question, coffee never is. A meal without coffee in Paris is a bit like a day without alcohol in England. Something rare and peculiar. If there’s a meal, there will be coffee to wrap it up.  Over the past few decades in Paris,…

  • L’Ile Saint-Louis

    Olivier Magny
    25 Oct 2009 | 7:04 am
    When it comes to real estate, Parisians tend to settle for good enough. Thankfully enough. For if all Parisians lived where they really wanted to, L’Ile Saint-Louis would most likely drown. L’Ile Saint-Louis has it all. It is central but isolated, beautiful but discrete, vibrant but quiet. L’Ile Saint-Louis is the essence of Paris. Its nest. Its most charming smile. No Parisian fails to notice that. Parisians are all irremediably in love with that island. Indefectible love it is- the type of love you know will never leave you. A love that ends up defining you. Crossing…

  • Considering Americans stupid

    Olivier Magny
    9 Oct 2009 | 6:33 am
    Parisians have a bit of a different physiology. Things like a certain inability to smile are quite well known expressions of this phenomenon. Some are much lesser known: an interesting experience when chatting with a Parisian is to place the words ”Les Américains” in a sentence. These two words put together - in any imaginable sentence - immediately trigger a chemical reaction in the Parisian’s brain. When hearing the phrase “Les Américains“, the Parisian will implacably lose track of his previous ideas to just be taken over by one overpowering…

  • Spotting slight errors in French

    Olivier Magny
    11 Sep 2009 | 7:20 am
    Parisians live in the comfortable belief that they master French better than anyone else. Not only do they speak the best French, they also speak French the best. If the French language were a summit, Parisians would be standing at the very top of it. The fact that most Parisians speak a dumbed down, English-sprinkled and verlan-twisted form of French is irrelevant. Parisians are the Edmund Hillarys of French. One of the things Parisians enjoy the most in life is learning new incorrect terms, usages or phrases. While Parisians are unable to remember jokes, they systematically remember…

  • Cherry Tomatoes

    Olivier Magny
    30 Aug 2009 | 12:07 pm
    Louis Armstrong says tomato. No matter what, so does Ella Fitzgerald. Parisians on the other hand, prefer to say cherry tomato. Parisians are that cool. One of the dimensions of cool in Paris implies being over tomatoes. As for all determinants of cool, being over tomatoes is something the Parisian is completely oblivious to. The Parisian happily eats tomatoes, but no longer buys them. When it comes to tomatoes, it seems that cool was a word simply created for the Parisian. Meet the thrilling cherry tomato. All the qualities of a tomato, minus the defects. When asked “Why cherry…
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    AC

  • 'The Angry Clown Halloween weird shit that you should dump shit on that's funny list '

    30 Oct 2009 | 3:49 am
    Its Halloween bitches and AC has some candy for you. Usually we would do a special post or tell a story or some shit to celebrate what ever holiday it is but this time we thought we would go elsewhere, literally.OMFG I can hear you say your more excited then a jack rabbit with a gun and a reason to use it. Right anyways. Forget all those other sites that offer crap here we offer crap+ more= Osama Bin Laden happiness, you'll wake up everyday like it was September 11 2001 YES that fucking happy.Fucking terrorists! Halloween is good and here's ya shit enjoy!I've spent seconds of my precious life…

  • This Is sh-it

    28 Oct 2009 | 12:37 pm
    Michael looking for loveThe review you've been waiting for since the untimely death of Michael and since the making of a movie made to suck the last dollar out of slightly un-right people that praise weirdness like its some sort of godly feature.'This is sh-it' is a tale of woe about a man that apparently sings about being black when he is clearly white and gone to a lot of trouble to get that way. Its about Billie Jean which is obviously a guy and also sings about acceptance of other cultures when he cant even accept his own.The performance by Michael Jackson who plays a skinny white sickly…

  • Clean up

    25 Oct 2009 | 9:23 pm
    AC is different you may of noticed Its been a while since we have changed and to get the ball rolling I thought a new face would start it off.AC is turning from rude/crude to clever funny smart that is rude and crude it will take me a while to get all the widgets/crap back up and a lot will be discarded along the way.I invite all the authors, guests and Static (haha) to come back and help AC be as good as it can be.Cheers, Angry Clown

  • Lick The Big Bone (Revised)

    7 Jul 2009 | 6:50 pm
    ^ Another Guest Post Courtesy of StaticYou can thank Thomas Jefferson, the third President of the United States (1801–1809), and the principal author of the Declaration of Independence (1776), for starting what would become the largest collection of North American Mammoth fossil bones (in scientific speak that means, old massive pricks.) **No thanks to that wonderful duo, Lewis and Clark and their perverse expedition across America.**History and science come together in this fascinating story of a woodland salt lick and how the fossilized Big Bones found there influenced the beginnings of…

  • Felt so fucken good

    20 May 2009 | 3:19 pm
    Well well well here we are again, thought you had gotten rid of me for good? NO WAY MAN I'm not that easy to scare away and you're probably thinking it was you that made my brain stop but guess what it wasn't you so stop being so fucking vain! Dick.This picture fucken sucksEnough talk your probably all wanting to hear some great stories and lulz that only I can supply. Bad luck I've only got shit to say and thats the way I like it, I hate being serious as you all know and poking fun at the less fortunate is what its all about (it makes me feel like a big man)!I cant say exactly why I went…
 
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    Tiggyblog

  • Good Advice with Betty Lemons

    Tiggy
    13 Nov 2009 | 2:50 am
    Good day, dear readers! Betty Lemons here, giving advice on life’s little problems! My friends at the Ladies’ Institute tell me there’s a lot of troubled folk on the internet who would benefit from my wisdom. So don’t fear, Betty is here! Here’s a selection of readers’ questions from my postbag. Dear Betty, My cat just died. I cry every day, as I miss Fluffster so much. What should I do? Jack, Fredericton Dear Jack, Oh, what a to-do! As the owner of many cats, I have this problem all the time. When they stop meowing and start giving off that strange smell,…

  • Tiggyblog the Book – Coming Soon! Probably.

    Tiggy
    8 Nov 2009 | 3:41 pm
    · Can you get high on hemp oil smoothies? · When was the golden age of porn? · Why is part of Greenland now a suburb of Boston? · How can you get your neighbour arrested using snow? If you’ve ever asked yourself these questions, you will need a copy of It’s The Stuff That Comes Out Of My Brain, a fun-filled compilation of weird observations, strange-but-not-true facts and hilarious stories that will leave you with a warm fuzzy feeling inside. And a bit of a headache. It’s The Stuff That Comes Out Of My Brain includes Tiggy’s best ever stories and musings (with all…

  • Back in 10 Minutes

    Tiggy
    4 Nov 2009 | 2:45 am
    “Back in 10 Minutes”. I walk three miles to the convenience store, only to find a scrappily-written note stuck to the door. Back in ten minutes? When is that? Is this the first minute, or the ninth? I wait ten minutes, but no-one comes back. What a shoddy way to run a store! Time passes. I begin to wonder if something has happened to the clerk. Is he lost? Has he been hit by a truck while crossing the street? Or brutally murdered in an alley? Perhaps I should call the emergency services. I wait another ten minutes. Now I’m getting worried. The clerk must have met with…

  • Meat Beat Gets Arty… with Meat!

    Tiggy
    28 Oct 2009 | 3:54 am
    Monty: Hey there Tiggy fans! Monty O’Drizzle here, world-renowned hunter an’ King of the Kill! Today, me an’ my assistant Bob Nutter have been takin’ a look at the wonderful world of meat art. Bob: Yes folks, you heard Monty right. Meat isn’t just for eating! Monty: I told ya meat is useful! Now, I’m not one for wastin’ my time in art galleries, unless they let me shoot at stuff, hey? But I’d hire out my Momma out for target practice, to own summa this art! Bob: So Monty, let’s have a wander down our virtual meat-art exhibition. First up…

  • Tiggy’s Hit Parade: Futuristic Folk Songs of the Future!

    Tiggy
    19 Oct 2009 | 3:50 am
    Music fans! Confused by the choice at your local record store? Want to get ‘with it’ and ‘hip’ like all the cats at the local Hop? Or something? Check out Tiggy’s Hit Parade! (Unfortunately, Tiggy doesn’t possess a turntable or any musical knowledge, so all reviews are entirely fictional). Prepare to get all folked-up with this folking awesome LP! 8. Folk Songs for the 21st Century The 21st century may seem like a long way off now, but think of the fun we’ll have in the future! Space travel will be as easy as catching a bus, holidays to Jupiter will…
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    Beyond Left Field

  • Obama's Home Teleprompter Malfunctions...

    Don
    21 Nov 2009 | 8:21 am
    The Onion has provided an inside story of the Obama White House that you would never get anywhere else...except here. Again, thanks to The Onion for a little Saturday jam. Obama's Home Teleprompter Malfunctions During Family Dinner

  • Anal Glands...Pass The Orange Juice Please

    Don
    20 Nov 2009 | 5:00 am
    I wrote a post over a year ago centered around a very serious and common problem. Butt skids-canine butt skids specifically. It was brought to my attention again that one of the chief causes of a dog doing butts skids is it's anal glands. A local radio station has a one hour weekly show with a veterinarian as co-host. Callers call the doc and ask their pet questions, er...questions about their pets. Tuesday morning a lady called the station and asked the vet why her cocker spaniel constantly rubbed his ass across her carpet. The vet asked her if she ever noticed the dog's anal glands being…

  • I Want My Book Back Bitch!

    Don
    19 Nov 2009 | 4:00 am
    I have some bad news for all of you that have been anxiously awaiting the release of what was certain to be a wildly popular best seller. My book scheduled to be released next month, Going Rogue, was instead released under the same name by Sarah Palin today. After all of the moose jerky and comic books I sent her, this is the thanks I get. Hell, I even sent her baby a custom made drool towel and matching drool cup...! My book was written solely with Christmas in mind. Not so much the general holiday, but specifically about Santa himself and his decision to declare his homosexuality to the…

  • America's Store And The Case Of The Adolescent Arson

    Don
    18 Nov 2009 | 4:46 am
    I walked into America's Store yesterday. As I made my way back into the parking lot, I noticed two fire trucks and their crews standing around something smoking. It was in the general direction of my car, and I immediately thought, "Shit, did I leave the oven on?" No, but a young kid's car was burned to a royal black, crispy, crunchy, charcoal mess. I closed in on the main attraction when I overheard one kid say to a buddy, "That mother wasn't worth a match!" Uh, what? Now that could have been just an innocent remark simply meaning the car was worthless, or...arsonist at work. Then I…

  • Fishnets With Holes And Other Signs Of Psychosis

    Don
    17 Nov 2009 | 5:00 am
    I am not the type of person who scares easily or watches my back as though I'm may be jumped by the boogie man. I'm not afraid of big, ugly mean guys who drool or a hot chick with a frigid personality. Not too much at all really bothers me to the point I am genuinely concerned. However, there are a few people that cause me to raise an eyebrow. Not so much the psycho that is so blatantly obvious about being a nut case that he may as well be wearing a sign stating he's Norman Bates' nephew. The not-so-obvious crazies that look and act like the person next door are the troublesome ones to me.
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    Out of the mouth of Dave

  • The Perfect Murder Weapon

    Dave
    20 Nov 2009 | 10:36 am
    I have figured out how to commit the perfect murder. Yeah you read that right, the perfect murder and there is no way those fancy CSI folks could catch you. I tell you if OJ had done this years ago he would be out there right now playing golf instead of um err...oh never mind. I did not start out looking for ways to commit the perfect murder - the idea just came to me. Let me set the scene for you.It was early evening and I was getting peckish, it was time to think about what I was going to have for dinner. Opening the fridge I saw the usual assortment of condiments, and left over lasagna…

  • Birth of the Frankenpenis

    Dave
    15 Nov 2009 | 7:44 am
    We certainly live in interesting times. Just the other day, Scientists where able to create a fully functional rabbit penis grown from penis cells harvested from one unhappy donor rabbit. Don't believe me you can read it here My first thought after reading the article was "What the @#*&!??" We have the choice to throw money and resources at eradicating a disease, or we can play God and try to make a rabbit penis.Seems like the learned men and women have once again made the right choice for society.It's not like the rabbit species needs any encouragement to fornicate. We all know rabbit…

  • Is that a Burrowing Owl in your bed?

    Dave
    10 Nov 2009 | 6:58 am
    Everywhere you look nowadays your eyes are assaulted by the advertising message of the current crop of environmental do gooders. Stop the seal hunt,Reduce Reuse Recycle,Save the Burrowing Owl - Save the Rainforest - Only you can save the planet! Bla Bla Bla -Baa Humbug I say to all of this.Saving the planet sounds like an awful lot of work, and frankly I have other things to do at the moment. Do you really need my help? If you watch your local news there seems to be a veritable army of "Children of Yuppies" out there organizing bottle drives to save the rain-forest, or the Giant Panda. If…

  • Achieving Immortality through snack foods

    Dave
    29 Oct 2009 | 2:00 pm
    "I pledge allegiance to our Twinkie overlord. May his creamy filling and flaky goodness continue to flourish. Amen" That's what they will be saying soon about me - just you wait and see.I am writing this latest post from within the comfy confines of my ACME brand hermetically sealed bubble. The media has stirred us up to a level of hysteria not seen since the infamous Princess Diana and Mother Theresa pictorial in Playboy. Swine Flu is everywhere. The death of mankind is imminent! Civilization will be wiped out leaving nothing but cockroaches and Twinkies to dance on our corpses!I ask you…

  • Government Agency gives hope to parents of bratty children

    Dave
    14 Oct 2009 | 6:44 am
    Parents wash daughters mouth out with soap and get arrested!The media is full of stories like these. Stories of parents who use "tough love" techniques in an attempt to discipline their brood of foul mouthed malcontents. These stories never end well for the parents involved. They are usually dragged off to work in a chain gang as a result of an anonymous call to the authorities from a "concerned citizen".Perhaps you are a parent of a foul mouthed malcontent, or maybe you work with one. Well you can now rest easy knowing that Big Brother has officially entered the child discipline business.I'm…
 
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    Late For the Sky

  • What Would Squanto Do?

    19 Nov 2009 | 4:00 am
    I was pretty cavalier in my post about the global climate change leading to the end of the world as we know it. Today I read of a shocking and sobering development that has brought the extent of the destruction into focus and chilled me to my soul.“Heavy rains in Midwest lead to pumpkin shortage”. "Our calculations indicate that we may deplete our inventory of canned Libby's pumpkin as we approach the Thanksgiving holiday” which means NO PUMPKIN PIE!Some people won’t care. They’ll just put an apple pie on the Thanksgiving table and expect everyone to be thrilled with the novelty of…

  • The Rapture of Indian Summer

    17 Nov 2009 | 10:34 am
    Disappearing rain forests and melting ice caps be damned! I am enjoying the climate changes in Cincinnati. We had two warm, sunny autumn weekends in a row. That doesn’t sound like much to you but, in Cincinnati, that miracle is like unto finding a chocolate chunk shaped like Jesus in your Graeter’s mocha chip ice cream.We’re here in the middle of the country, so the coming floods, famine and pestilence that are soon to destroy the coasts will likely take years longer to get here, just like fashion trends. So we did not concern ourselves with global climate upheaval this past lovely…

  • Sarah Palin's Way Off

    15 Nov 2009 | 5:29 pm
    Tag Line: “While the rest of us were just thinking about it...Sarah borrowed a political party and did it...all in a year.”For those of you who don’t want to read “Going Rogue”, here are the SparkNotes:Sarah Palin wakes up one day and decides she doesn’t feel like governing Alaska right then. She convinces John McCain they should spend the campaign together going off script, break the rules and seize the day.Palin decides she will drive the high-powered Republican conservative agenda, which makes McCain very nervous. He’s not supposed to drive that agenda but he hops on board,…

  • The Story, In My Eyes

    12 Nov 2009 | 12:06 pm
    Both things were unexpected. One, that before the show started I was so sure my piece was going to go badly and, two, that Dick-Joke-Guy was so unimpressive, it put me at ease again.My approach to comedy is to tell a story. Think of Bill Cosby, Robert Klein, George Carlin. Then think of some CPA/CFO who can only wish he told comedic stories like they do. I take a real piece of my life, twist it out of shape, draw glasses and a mustache on it, squirt whipped cream down its pants and then tell the audience this is the way I found it. I imagine this is funny.When I walk into the comedy club, I…

  • It's Likely Among the Worst Stories Ever

    11 Nov 2009 | 6:57 am
    “At age 77, Richard Ramsey is likely among the oldest people in the U.S. to undergo a sex change operation.”It was awhile before I could read past the first sentence of that story. It wasn’t because I am a guy and most of us would shudder at the thought of cutting off our most prized body part. It wasn’t for any discomfort with the transgenders among us who choose to do so.My problem was with the reporter who butchered his story with the lamest opening in history. Ramsey is “likely among” the oldest to have a sex change? Likely among? Likely AMONG?! If Ramsey is NOT among the…
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    Beauty Tips for Ministers

  • Tweet, Tweet!

    PeaceBang
    18 Nov 2009 | 1:17 pm
    PeaceBang is on Twitter as… PeaceBang. And she is on FaceBook as PeaceBang. Because she digs this social networking stuff. And because her life (and preaching files!) are greatly enriched by social networking, she wants to return the favor. Kiss of peace! Share This Hide Sites

  • PB On FB

    PeaceBang
    18 Nov 2009 | 5:19 am
    PeaceBang has 398 followers on FaceBook — let’s get all crazy and make it FOUR HUNDRED! Go, go, go! I say FACE, you say BOOK! Face! (Book!) Face! (Book!) Face! (Book!) YEaaaA! Share This Hide Sites

  • BTFM Returns After Turkey Day

    PeaceBang
    17 Nov 2009 | 7:06 am
    “Darlings! Have you missed us? We going to be BACK vith LOADS of superfabulous columns after your quaint American holiday! Ta-da, darlings! Be good! Air kisses!” Share This Hide Sites

  • PB Be Back Around Turkey Time!

    PeaceBang
    6 Nov 2009 | 7:56 pm
    Darlingest darlings! PeaceBang is going to ignore this blog for awhile, but never fear, she’ll be back! Meanwhile, send your questions and photos (click on the “Need PeaceBang’s Help” link above and it will get sent to my personal e-mail address) and we’ll save them up for some fun posties at holiday time! Kiss of peace, PB Share This Hide Sites

  • NY Times Article

    PeaceBang
    6 Nov 2009 | 5:41 am
    We knew this, didn’t we, kids!? http://www.nytimes.com/2009/11/06/business/economy/06shoes.html?_r=1&th&emc=th Share This Hide Sites
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    Maxi Cane

  • Women, can’t live with them, can’t smother them with cushions and get away with it

    Maxi
    19 Nov 2009 | 5:00 pm
    Dear Maxi, I’ve been having a problem lately.  I don’t quite know how to put this delicately, especially as it could end up printed in a newspaper, but it’s my boyfriend.  He just doesn’t understand me, or my need for cushions.  He simply fails to see that even though I have many cushions already, I still need more.  I need cushions to go with my curtains.  I need cushions to go with my carpet.  I need cushions to go with my couch.  I need cushions to match my paintings.  I need cushions to match my slippers. Is it just men in general who don’t understand the need for…

  • Wankathon ‘09

    Maxi
    18 Nov 2009 | 2:33 pm
    I used to work with a guy who once said that he had wanked 7 times in a row out of pure boredom.  7 times!  I wasn’t convinced so I tried it for myself.  Didn’t work, couldn’t even finish the first one.  Can’t blame him really, I was just tugging away, no kissing or anything.  Maybe I should have told him how pretty he was, y’know make him feel comfortable. Then it occured to me that I’d have more success if I tried it on myself. So that’s what I did. I sat myself in front of the lap top, dropped my drawers and hung them out the window for a…

  • Career re-think

    Maxi
    18 Nov 2009 | 6:21 am
    I had a post all ready for you loverly people to read, but instead I have to deal with some bad news. I usually don’t like to add to the world of bad news that people deal with everyday, in the news or their own lives.  But today I have to burden you. I got an email today that saddened me. I had applied for a job and had gotten part way through the interview process, having 19 interviews in total. I charmed them with my wit.  I told them I’m good at hiding things like paper trails.  I said that I have no real idea of how to deal with large amounts of money.  I was honest, to a…

  • Alright class, settle down

    Maxi
    16 Nov 2009 | 5:53 pm
    Today we’re going to talk about hermaphrodites. Hermaphrodites, as you will all know from every Lady Gaga video, are ladies who have man bits.  Or if you watch Telly Bingo, a man with lady bits. Think about this for a minute: A hermaphrodite wanks furiously into a plastic cup, sucks up the hermy goodness with a turkey baster and paints her vaginy insides with said goodness. I then ask you this: Would she make herself pregnant? Would it be incest? Discuss…..

  • What cold showers are for

    Maxi
    15 Nov 2009 | 6:41 pm
    You know when you have just worked a 20 hour shift, because two staff have called in sick even though you know they’re just hungover and you have to deliver breakfast in bed to the newlyweds in the honeymoon suite? No? It’s a proper cunt let me tell you. Nothing but contempt for all customers fills you at that point because even though it’s 10am you’ve just cleaned and closed the bar because the guests acted like they are never let out. You want to curl out a steaming pile of that contempt over their free range scrambled eggs just to let them know about it when they…
 
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    The Turkey Sandwich Report

  • So Neal, How do YOU Make a Turkey Sandwich?

    Neal
    16 Nov 2009 | 11:02 pm
    Neal’s Turkey Sandwich, originally uploaded by nealdstewart. I get this question a lot: “Neal, when you make a Turkey Sandwich, how do you make it?” Fair question. One would think that the guy who reviews all of these Turkey Sandwiches from around the country would know how to make one himself. And that would be correct. WARNING: It may look like much, but this Turkey Sandwich is not for the faint of heart. Here’s how you make it: Get a whole wheat hoagie bun. Add some PASTRAMI FLAVORED TURKEY – preferrably Boar’s Head. Add PEPPER JACK cheese. Microwave for…

  • Stewart’s Turkey at the Rackhouse Pub

    Neal
    31 Oct 2009 | 6:00 pm
    Today, October 31, 2009, was the big day.  The Rackhouse Pub opened today and unveiled what will probably be one of the hottest attractions in Denver.  No, not the 20-some-odd Colorado craft brews or the Stranahan’s Colorado Whiskey.  The hot attraction is their “Stewart’s Turkey” sandwich. Although we were not the first lunch patrons in the pub’s existence, I was the first to have the Stewart’s Turkey – see video below: more about “Stewart’s Turkey at the Rackhouse Pub“, posted with vodpod My reaction after eating the rest of the…

  • Robots want to know: Is a Turkey Bologna Sandwich a Turkey Sandwich or Bologna Sandwich?

    Neal
    30 Oct 2009 | 11:57 am
    more about “Robots want to know: Is a Turkey Bolo…“, posted with vodpod  

  • Turkey Sandwich Report Mailbag: Cheese Edition

    Neal
    24 Oct 2009 | 3:10 pm
    From time to time, the Turkey Sandwich Report gets a some questions about sandwiches.  We are a full-service blog and we want to make sure our loyal readers get the answers they need.  So, let’s open up the ol’ Turkey Sandwich Report and see what people want to know. What kind of cheese would you suggest for someone who is new to the different kinds of cheese? I just want to know what would be best for a plain turkey sandwich – turkey, lettuce, pickle, mayo, etc. -Jenny Jenny, I always tell people to start simple.  I’ve seen too many people go nuts with their cheese…

  • The Turkey Sandwich, with a Touch of Class

    Neal
    21 Oct 2009 | 9:22 pm
    Fancy Turkey Sandwich, originally uploaded by nealdstewart. Not all Turkey Sandwiches come from shit-hole delis, gas stations or dirt bag taverns. Even the Turkey Sandwich Report steps up in class every once in a while. We really stepped it up last night in Seattle after seeing Ben Folds perform with the Seattle Symphony Orchestra, the TSR dined at local hot spot, Purple Cafe. Sure they offer “syrah poached mission figs with prosciutto di parma” and “roasted new zealand pork chops”, but they also offer a Turkey Sandwich. This particular Turkey Sandwich comes with…
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    The Hunters Wife

  • I’ll Never Get To Have A Pet Squirrel

    Jody
    20 Nov 2009 | 5:49 am
    Growing up, I remember my Grandma having a pet squirrel in her backyard that she named Foxy. It was the cutest thing to see Foxy eat out of your hand. My Mom and Dad are now carrying on that tradition with feeding the squirrels out their back door. All summer I watched the same four or five squirrels sitting on the back porch waiting for their peanuts to be thrown out the back door. They’ve even gone as far as climbing on the screen waiting to be fed. It is so cute how they wait to be fed.  And when I went for a visit last weekend, I swear those squirrels were the size of raccoons. …

  • Dear Santa Thank You For The Razors And Soap

    Jody
    19 Nov 2009 | 6:10 am
    I will be the first to admit that sometimes my humor may border smart@ss. Sometimes I just can’t help myself. It just slips out. I tell myself don’t say it but I say it. Then I shouldn’t have said it and regret saying it. But this time I swear on my fake 6 point deer that I was trying to be genuinely funny. And I really thought it was funny. But others didn’t think so. It all started when I was minding my own business on Twitter when my dearest friend @jelo45110, aka The Legend – Dr. Love, who writes Looking Out My Front Door and Clique Clack Food said ……

  • My Hunting Season Is Over All Because Of A Buck

    Jody
    17 Nov 2009 | 4:13 am
    I would never consider myself a bossy hunter’s wife. Or a bossy wife in general. I don’t tell my husband how to do things or what to do. I would never say, “You are not going hunting this weekend” or “You are not allowed to go hunting anymore” or “Please don’t go hunting this weekend I’ll miss you.”  hahahaha No, that’s not me.  I don’t talk like that. Until my hunter called with the news… Jody: Hello. Mark: I got a buck. Jody: You did. (Oh my big bad hunter got a buck. Bouncing.  Can’t wait to write about…

  • What? Huh? Yard Work? Me?

    Jody
    16 Nov 2009 | 4:18 am
    It’s fall and with fall comes the falling leaves and a yard full of them.  And I’m not the lawn maintenance worker of the family. I watch from a window. My husband maintains the yard and all there is involved with keeping our grass looking like carpet. Or like a football field. I don’t know what I would do if I were in charge of the yard. I’ve never used a blower. Or a edger thingymajigger. My hunter has been away hunting for the last 4 days and I was given strict instructions to please not touch the yard. Don’t cut grass or rake leaves. Aww I’m free. No…

  • Aeon Meridian Chocolate Winner

    Jody
    13 Nov 2009 | 3:35 am
    Thank you all for entering the Aeon Meridian Chocolate novelty contest. We have a winner! The question was: If you were to find me in a deer blind, what would I be doing in one? Mark calling my cell:  Where are you? Jody: Over by the deer blinds. Mark:  I don’t see you. Jody:  I see you. Jody:  You are getting warmer. Mark:  Where are you? Jody:  Boo! Yes I’m 5.  And yes I was hiding out in a deer blind. And … Painting my nails. And for the love of a hair brush. Looks like I should have been brushing my hair in there instead. Congratulations #2 Mary.  You are the…
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    My Mom is a Fob

  • V-mail from Grandma

    mmiaf
    18 Nov 2009 | 10:05 pm

  • Happy Dunks!

    mmiaf
    15 Nov 2009 | 6:44 pm
    Today, I was wrapping some Nike Dunks, a birthday present for a friend, when my mom came into my room with a handful of gaudy smiley face napkins. She claimed that the napkins’ colors matched the shoes perfectly, and that the smileys would make my friend “happy happy”. She then proceeded to fold little flowers out of them and stuck them in the tops of the shoes before wrapping them. She’s cute. And has an eagle eye for color.

  • Start a Fab Club

    mmiaf
    10 Nov 2009 | 3:07 am
    I tried to explain to my mom that mymomisafob.com pokes fun at our fobby moms in an endearing, cute kind of way.  Apparently, she didn’t get it.  I received this email from her: Suddenly, I was thinking….actually is from Sat. I was talking to your sister, why didn’t you girls stated a club or ? to honor your Fab parents ( instead of laughing at them…).  Where there is place, people would share their funny or things up and down that happened with their Asian moms or dads….must be a positive site, encouraging…because i always think all you guys…

  • Lessons in Emoticons

    mmiaf
    8 Nov 2009 | 1:13 pm
    Mom: how do i make happy face? Me: I think on your phone you press 1 over and over again to get each symbol Mom: 11111111111111111111111111111

  • Lovin’ These “Cymbals”

    mmiaf
    8 Nov 2009 | 1:10 pm
 
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    Comedy Videos

  • BATMAN WHATEVER !

    21 Nov 2009 | 9:07 am
    TIMES ARE TOUGH FOR THE CAPED CRUSADER .. ... Pingu-hunter / executive consutant. / Allan - editingAuthor: ALFIE.BURGERKeywords: ALFIE.BURGER BATMAN HERO PINGU-HUNTER ALLAN COMEDY RECESSION Added: Sat, 21 Nov 2009 17:07:29 GMTVideo codes to display this video on your website!http://www.livevideo.com

  • tiger n monkey

    21 Nov 2009 | 2:38 am
    don't lougfAuthor: subhadra02Added: Sat, 21 Nov 2009 10:38:30 GMTVideo codes to display this video on your website!http://www.livevideo.com

  • The Dork Episode 2 Season 1

    20 Nov 2009 | 8:21 pm
    Episode 2.Frank gets his walkman back.Author: ReeseBrewer44Keywords: The Dork Added: Sat, 21 Nov 2009 04:21:50 GMTVideo codes to display this video on your website!http://www.livevideo.com

  • Here's Your Mule

    20 Nov 2009 | 3:19 pm
    Comical Civil War Song. Arnold Mackey sings it. This song was originally issued in 1862.Author: FighterGloryKeywords: Comical War Songs Added: Fri, 20 Nov 2009 23:19:25 GMTVideo codes to display this video on your website!http://www.livevideo.com

  • No Escape!!!!

    20 Nov 2009 | 2:59 pm
    That damn song haunts me! Thanks tezza2!!!!Author: Todd228Keywords: todd228 tezza2 let your love flow Added: Fri, 20 Nov 2009 22:59:57 GMT
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    The Junk Drawer

  • Careful Where You Stick That

    Kathy
    21 Nov 2009 | 4:14 pm
    mo·ron  (môr‘?n’, m?r‘-): idiot: a person of subnormal intelligence. The date: Circa 1971. The location: Family doctor’s office. The injury: Smashed fingertip. My mother had taken three of us kids for an annual checkup at our family doctor. After my sister and I were checked out, we retreated to the waiting room while my mom stayed with my brother and the doctor. With nothing to do and time to kill, little Kathy Simpleton became mesmerized by the opening and closing of the front door as other patients came and went. Every time the door opened, a one inch crack…

  • Wasting a Perfectly Good Pumpkin

    Kathy
    16 Nov 2009 | 4:27 pm
    I don’t get it. My husband Dave refuses to keep lighting this pumpkin in our front yard. I’ve been bummed the last few days it’s gone unlit. Dave gets home from work a little before me and would always light the little guy. When I drove up the block in the dark, I could see Mr. Pumpkin Head waiting for me. He was my beacon to home. I asked Dave why he doesn’t light him anymore. Um. Because his skull is crushed in and it looks like he’s in pain? Still. You can get the scalp off enough to light a candle in his brain. And all you’d need to do is wear…

  • Kitty OCD

    Kathy
    14 Nov 2009 | 5:10 am
    Meet Shadow. She’s a sweetheart, but she’s got a problem. She only wants to drink water directly from the faucet. Since she developed this little habit, it’s become near impossible to function in the kitchen. Whenever my husband or I walks into the kitchen, she follows. Whenever we’re washing our hands or rinsing a dish, she’s there. Whenever she hears the garage door open, she’s on the counter. Waiting. At 5:00AM, like clockwork, she’s nudging us out of bed. When I get up, she runs downstairs to sit in the sink. I oblige her. Again. We figured…

  • How to Make Nipple Cupcakes

    Kathy
    8 Nov 2009 | 2:00 pm
    Doesn’t everyone want nipple cupcakes? I mean, come on. They’re awesome. Step 1: Pour too much cake batter in the cups. No, not bra cups, silly. Cupcake cups! Step 2: Don’t shake down the batter like apparently you’re supposed to do. Step 3: Bake at 350 degrees for 15 minutes. Viola! Nipplicious cupcakes! Step 4: Pile icing high, high, high and no one will notice! Good grief. I can’t even make a normal cupcake. Don’t even try to help me. There is no helping me. But I’ll take pity. Pity’s good.

  • Hi. It’s Windy. Did You Miss Me?

    Kathy
    6 Nov 2009 | 3:44 pm
    As a lot of you know, there was some question about our beloved Windy’s survival over the summer. Over the last few weeks many of her tree’s leaves fell away and I knew it would be soon that we’d either see her or we wouldn’t. I’ve been bracing myself. A few days ago a colleague at work came bouncing into the office to say she thought she saw a glimpse of her. Today I got the evidence. She’s looking pretty tattered, but she is most definitely still there. Let us bow our heads and give thanks. Behold, Windy! A stripped down version of her former self, but no…
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    I Do Things So You Don't Have To

  • I Was Interviewed so you don’t have to be

    JD
    18 Nov 2009 | 6:09 am
    She Who always seems so happy in a crowd Whose eyes can be so private and so proud No one’s allowed to see them when they CRYYYYYY Oh, my (chicken and) stars (soup)! How long have I been blogging? Two and a half years? Hasn’t anyone wondered? Hasn’t anyone cared? I guess not, because it took THIS long before someone out there decided to interview me. The nice folks at Blog Catalog sent an intrepid reporter to my house to talk to this mysterious JD person we’ve all been hearing so much about. Mysterious no more! Because I give it all up in this exclusive…

  • I Have Great Ideas so you don’t have to (Redux)

    JD
    16 Nov 2009 | 4:17 am
    Hey! In in the interest of saving my brain, I’m slacking off a bit this week regarding all things blog. In the meantime, won’t you please enjoy an oldie but a goodie from almost EXACTLY TWO YEARS AGO TODAY? You will? Oh, phew. The next time you’re working in your yard, and you come across one of those shingles from when your roof almost blew off, don’t throw it away! Because in addition to shingles, you never know what you’re going to find out there. A shingle such as this makes an excellent dog poo scraper-off-er! And with all the money you’ll save by not…

  • I Watched Stud Hunters so you don’t have to

    JD
    11 Nov 2009 | 2:08 pm
    Stud hunters, c‘mon, drop your pants Stud hunters, here’s your big chance I know Stud Hunters sounds like a reality show where teams of TV fame-whores vie to find the stud of their dreams and then shoot him in the head BUT! it’s actually a porno movie from those sex-ay folks at online adult toy store Eden Fantasys. Thanks, y’all! I chose to review this particular film because it was described as being tasteful — porn-lite, if you will. If you won’t, then just imagine a naked Lifetime movie. But with a better-looking Tori Spelling. AND in the spirit of…

  • I Ate Cat Puke

    JD
    9 Nov 2009 | 4:07 am
    Ooh, that smell Can’t you smell that smell? OK, I didn’t literally eat cat puke, but by the end of this post . . . well, you’ll see. (”NO WE WON’T” proclaim 10,000 grossed-out-already readers.) Oh, yes. You will. So it was on daylight savings night that we learned the lesson again: Cats cannot tell time. It was 5 AM (formerly known as 6 AM), and they wanted their damn breakfast. And like every other morning, I was ready to get up, but I didn’t want to reward their obnoxious behavior. Gus howls into the air. Pru knocks books off the shelves. Gus howls…

  • Ay, Loca! I Do Cosas

    JD
    5 Nov 2009 | 5:53 am
    And when they see me They want to be me Some of my Facebook friends are probably sick of “Ay, loca,” so it’s only fair that YOU get a chance to be sick, too. Sickness for all! It started with RuPaul’s Drag Race. Yes, there is an actual TV show with that title. It’s kind of a Top Model for drag queens, hosted, obviously, by drag queen extraordinaire RuPaul (see above, locas). Like many of these reality contests, competitors participate in challenges, scratch each others’ eyes out, tuck their junk between their legs, and get voted off one by one. Oh, and the…
 
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    Stuff and Nonsense

  • Spamming for Dollars

    Joel Klebanoff
    19 Nov 2009 | 8:07 pm
    I hate spammers. I despise their penis-enlarging, breast-firming, diet-accelerating claptrap that overloads my email inbox. These cankers of electronic communications pollute the Internet with their effluvia. But even more than I hate spammers, I hate the incredibly stupid people who fall victim to them. I know it’s politically incorrect to call people stupid, but screw them. [...]

  • Attention: Comments

    Joel Klebanoff
    16 Nov 2009 | 12:07 pm
    Is the Internet killing attention spans? The reason I ask is, despite not being able to find a good WordPress statistics plugin that will allow me to verify my suspicion without too much effort on my part, I get the impression that the number of comments I receive is significantly lower for posts exceeding a certain [...]

  • Path to Peace. Or not.

    Joel Klebanoff
    11 Nov 2009 | 1:16 pm
    In the exceedingly unlikely event that there is a god, why couldn’t He, She or It have done a better job designing our brains? Why couldn’t the alleged deity have given us brains that were less inclined or, better yet, not at all inclined toward fomenting violence? And we often fight about the stupidest things, don’t [...]

  • Evidence of Mud on Mars

    Joel Klebanoff
    2 Nov 2009 | 9:02 am
    NASA has photographic evidence that mud might have flowed very recently on Mars. And when I say very recently, I’m not talking about a geological timescale. It might have happened just a few years ago. If this is true, it is almost certainly also true that there is mud on Mars today. NASA scientists compared pictures [...]

  • Old Fogeyisms: Twitter Edition

    Joel Klebanoff
    26 Oct 2009 | 11:10 am
    I’m a little less than two months shy of my 57th birthday. Of course, I can’t predict when I’m going to die, but barring a medical miracle, I’m several years closer to my death than to my birth. As a result of my advancing age coupled with a bad case of rational thought, my dreams of [...]
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    Hot Ghetto Mess

  • married with children

    Jamdonaldson
    21 Nov 2009 | 8:27 pm
    What a nice looking family. Its good to see that there are still people out there who actually get married before they have children.

  • hgm preggo classic

    Jamdonaldson
    21 Nov 2009 | 8:23 pm
    An HGM Classic. This picture is actually one of the reasons I started the HGM website. I got this pic in an email years ago and said immediately: we got to do better. And HGM was born.

  • more squatting mess

    Jamdonaldson
    21 Nov 2009 | 8:14 pm

  • herb mess

    Jamdonaldson
    21 Nov 2009 | 8:12 pm

  • guilty mess

    Jamdonaldson
    21 Nov 2009 | 8:06 pm
    I vote guilty.
 
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    Best Clean Funny Jokes

  • The Helpful Wife

    traymond
    17 Nov 2009 | 10:30 am
    A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,’ I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.’ The driver says, ‘Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar needs calibrating. ‘ Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: ‘Now don’t be silly, dear—you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.’ As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, ‘Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?’ The wife smiles demurely and says, ‘Well dear…

  • Benjamin Franklin on the difference between Democracy and Liberty

    traymond
    9 Nov 2009 | 1:25 am
    "Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch. Liberty is a well-armed lamb contesting the vote!” - Benjamin Franklin

  • There are only two kinds of people …

    traymond
    8 Nov 2009 | 1:16 am
    There are two types of people in the world: people who think there are only two types of people and people who know there are more than two types of people. There are three kinds of people in the world: Those who can do math, and those who can’t. There are two kinds of people, those who do the work and those who take the credit. Try to be in the first group; there is less competition there.—Indira Gandhi There are two kinds of people in the world: the ones that suck the life out of every day, and the ones that let every day suck the life out of them.—Bill Purdin There are…

  • Funny movie quotes from Ship Ahoy

    traymond
    6 Nov 2009 | 10:19 am
    Funny movie quotes fro Ship Ahoy starring Red Skelton, Eleanor Powell, Bert Lahr, Virginia O’Brien Skip Owens (Bert Lahr): Let’s go where there’s soft lights and low music, and I’ll let myself go. Fran Evans (Virginia O’Brien): You can let yourself go right now. Skip Owens (Bert Lahr): If you go to Puerto Rico, I’ll be devastated, like a ship without an udder. Skip Owens (Bert Lahr): [kissing girl’s hand and begins to go up arm] Oh, sorry - its the salmon in me trying to run upstream. Nurse: It’s time for your vitamin, Mr. Kibble. Merton Kibble…

  • The law of the Garbage Truck

    traymond
    5 Nov 2009 | 9:48 am
    One day I hopped in a taxi and we took off for the airport. We were driving in the right lane when suddenly a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us. My taxi driver slammed on his brakes, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches! The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us. My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean, he was really friendly. So I asked, ‘Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!’ This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call,…
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    Weird News Files

  • Woman Keeps McDonalds Burger for 12 Years

    weirdnews
    26 Oct 2009 | 9:00 pm
    Morgan Spurlock did this in Super Size Me, for about a year. But Karen Hanrahan has kept a McDonald's hamburger since 1996. After 12 years, it still looks ready to eat. Frightening!

  • High Heels for Global Warming

    weirdnews
    16 Oct 2009 | 9:22 pm
    Fashionistas need not fear the rising tide - shoe designers have come to their rescue.

  • Man Finds Missile Launcher While Gardening

    weirdnews
    16 Oct 2009 | 9:07 pm
    Jarrette Schule was cutting down trees on his rural property in Comal County, Texas when he noticed a green metallic tube on the muddy ground. A closer inspection revealed a decal that read: “Guided Missile and Launcher, Surface Attack.”

  • Afghan girl killed by Royal Air Force leaflet drop

    weirdnews
    30 Sep 2009 | 11:44 am
    The British Ministry of Defence is investigating the death of a young Afghan girl who died after being hit by a box of leaflets dropped by the RAF.

  • Rat-eating plant discovered in Philippines

    weirdnews
    18 Aug 2009 | 6:54 am
    A carnivorous plant that eats rats and insects has been discovered in the Philippines.
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    Base Camp Legends

  • Video of Sue’s Backyard Deer Hunt

    suzee
    20 Nov 2009 | 12:29 pm
    I was fortunate to get some nice footage of this deer. He was feeding along the ditch bank and I watched him come closer … until I realized he was going to give me an opportunity!… I had to just set the camera to one side and concentrate on making the shot. You can hear the shot on the camera! One thing I enjoyed was all the other critters I saw in the mornings and evenings I sat by the fenceline. I saw coyotes, Lots of quail, a large flock of pheasants, and even a vulture!

  • Every Chance You Get

    Benji Sorenson
    17 Nov 2009 | 9:17 am
    Something about going fishing in the middle of a work day makes the sport that much more enjoyable. Knowing that you could still be at work, but there you are knee deep in a trout stream, brings a new appreciation for the opportunity. I am lucky to work a half hour drive from a great trout stream. It makes for a long lunch but it is possible to get out to the river, fish a little, and get back to the office in a couple hours. Yesterday as I was sitting there in the office looking out the window at a steady drizzle, 45 degree weather, with no wind, I couldn’t keep my mind from wandering…

  • Tying a D Loop

    Scott
    16 Nov 2009 | 10:29 am
    How is everyone this month? I hope this finds everyone well and enjoying the season so far!! Hunting season is in full swing in most states now, some of us bowhunting while others are gun hunting but either way it is an incredible time of year to be in the woods! This month we are going to finally get into some Do It Yourself bow tuning items that are common on today’s shorter, faster compounds. The string loop is one of the most important accessories on your bow. The purpose of the loop is twofold: first it allows you to not torque the string and second it keeps the wear and tear off your…

  • Two Wheel’n After Elk

    suzee
    10 Nov 2009 | 4:00 am
    Idaho closes many of the old logging roads during Rifle Elk season. This has always seemed like a good thing to us in the past… but with my Dad approaching 80, and having a leg that had suffered a severe compound break in 2003, stints put in after a heart attack in 2005, breaking the same leg again just this last spring, and arthritis topping everything off, we realized it would make things nearly impossible for him to hunt in the kind of country he had always loved. We had been racking our brain for weeks, trying to come up with some method to get my dad up in the mountains for an…

  • Fly of the Month

    Benji Sorenson
    2 Nov 2009 | 4:00 am
    Late fall has arrived and a short flurry of snow here today reminded me that winter is on its way. Unless your favorite fishing location closes for the winter though you don’t need to hang up the fly rod just yet. I have a pattern that has become a favorite of mine from late fall through the early spring months. It is simple, and it works as a great midge pupa imitation. I fish it a variety of ways. Often I will fish it with a double nymph rig as the bottom fly fishing it deep with the aid of split shot. In the spring I like to use it as a dropper off an adult Skwala Stonefly pattern on…
 
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    Julian Kross

  • I’m not sure when it happened, but I’ve changed

    NormandLi79
    4 Nov 2009 | 7:41 am
    You can't hide money I live in a pretty good neighborhood. For the most part I enjoy spending time with the people that live around me with only two real exceptions. Next door to me is an elderly couple who both seem to live off nothing more than toast, coffee, and the happiness of others. They’ve had confrontations with most of us about things like magical moving property lines, accusations that we weren’t living in our own homes because we were renting them, the demand to stop non-existant logging trucks from driving thru their yard, and threats to call the police when people park…

  • Reality Bites

    Julian Kross
    20 Oct 2009 | 2:18 pm
    I’ve recently realized that as a parent you can’t be an asshole all the time. Believe me I pull it off quite often but kids need a cloud of hope to protect them from reality. Telling children they can be anything they want when they grow up makes them wake up every morning with a purpose in life. What if we told some of them the truth? “No they can be anything they want. Those kids are different. Your parents work in the mill and hate being told what to do so they came home everyday and the roles reverse. Now they’re the boss and they get to tell you what to do so they…

  • Sometimes you just suck - part 2

    NormandLi79
    25 Sep 2009 | 12:13 am
    This “we’re all winners” thing is still running around in my head and now I wonder who decided we’re all winners anyway? I think it’s the young teachers, fresh out of college, who can’t teach from experience because they don’t have any. But they still teach, with no experience. If you constantly talk about things you know nothing about, you’re not a winner, or a loser. You’re just stupid. When you’re stupid, and your job requires you to act smart, you act like people you think are smart.  But you’re stupid so how do you know if they’re smart?

  • Tired of all the pandering?

    NormandLi79
    11 Sep 2009 | 1:54 pm
    Me too.  Here’s something real if you need it.  It’s John Stewart’s first show after 9/11. The Daily Show With Jon Stewart Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c

  • Because I’m magic that’s why

    Julian Kross
    27 Aug 2009 | 1:18 pm
    I am the winner of every argument that I have with my children.  I realize this won’t last forever but while I’m still on top I like to gloat about it.  Right now it’s easy to win.  I don’t have to put much thought into my points I merely have to repeat something witty that was said to me when I was a kid. If one of the girls yells at their mother I get to step in with, “I don’t allow anyone to speak to my wife that way, especially not you.  She has spent years building this household and in doing so has earned the respect of all those around her and you…
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    The Daily Blonde

  • Threads

    The Daily Blonde
    20 Nov 2009 | 10:22 pm
    I’m so behind on my emails and attempting to catch up on Twitter. Sounds like a really ridiculous issue to have. However,  today when I finally got through some of my week’s emails I vowed to get better at staying up to date on what’s going on around the social media world that I’ve come [...]

  • How Well Do You Nomee?

    The Daily Blonde
    18 Nov 2009 | 5:47 pm
    You might think you know me, but do you really Nomee know me? I’m not talking nonsense here….in fact, I’m really excited about something that will help me get a grip on my social media connections. For all the times that someone told me to “Get a Grip”, here it comes. Tomorrow morning, I’ll have [...]

  • Fresh Balls Anyone?

    The Daily Blonde
    9 Nov 2009 | 3:59 pm
    It’s been yet another stellar Monday. I had to stand within 5 feet of my ex of 9 years and the only thought that crossed my mind was “what was I thinking?” Oh, wait, great children came from that spineless, child support dodging doucher who can’t look anyone in the eye. More than likely [...]

  • Repurpose This, OK?

    The Daily Blonde
    5 Nov 2009 | 9:03 pm
    I was at the grocery store yesterday. For the record, I’m always at the grocery store. For some reason, my kids seem to have this David Copperfield effect on food and the only thing that never gets eaten is the jar of wheat germ that I bought when I was on my last fake health [...]

  • The Runaway School Bus

    The Daily Blonde
    3 Nov 2009 | 6:23 pm
    Monday morning started out a little more stressful than usual this week. It wasn’t supposed to. After seemingly recovering from a nasty week of the H1N1 flu, my youngest son, Maxx  woke up with yet another high fever and sporting an odd red rash on his face. I tried not to let that colossal worry [...]
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    Homemade Hilarity

  • This Is What A 3-Day Paper-Machet Bender Looks Like.

    Julia D
    19 Nov 2009 | 5:21 pm
    And this, children, is why we don't do drugs. At least, not copious amounts. Well, not this much anyway.You don't even want to know what happened to Yoshi.Thanks crewcial.org

  • Tomato Tomaahto

    Julia D
    18 Nov 2009 | 4:14 pm
    You say it's an adorable widdle giraffe. I say it's a nose-less llama with smallpox. Or maybe a tick infestation. Or possibly just lots of moles. Crying blood.

  • See You In The Morning. Have Coffee Ready.

    Julia D
    17 Nov 2009 | 4:47 pm
    Sorry guys! Blogger's broken at the moment, so I can't upload any pictures tonight. Just imagine that I posted a pic of some horrifically badly-made crapft, and added some hilariously witty commentary beneath. Then feel free to comment as you see fit.

  • Note The Tasteful Use of Empty Bud Light Cans.

    Julia D
    16 Nov 2009 | 3:25 pm
    If this doesn't constitute animal cruelty, I suspect not much does.Although, in a "that dog is totally going to kill its owner in the middle of the night" kinda way, this is almost kinda awesome.

  • They Do Say Whales Evolved From A Bear-Like Animal.

    Julia D
    13 Nov 2009 | 4:03 pm
    So evidently this week is "what the hell did you knit" week here at homemade hilarity. Which was unplanned, to be honest (and so was Jesus, so I don't want to hear it), but I'm gonna roll with it while I can. Today's little gem comes from Etsy. Shocking, I know.And yes, they're a couple of MerBears. That's right. MerBears. Mer...Bears. Knitted MerBears. Knitted button-eyed MerBears. Knitted, button-eyed, multicolour MerBears. With flippers.Flippered MerBears. Who knew.
 
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    Say Something Funny

  • Zombie Hate-Crime Pierces Heartland of America

    T.M. Lindsey
    1 Nov 2009 | 7:36 pm
    It was only a matter of time before America’s love/hate relationship for the dead would rear its ugly head. America’s growing addiction to living vicariously through the dead — namely vampires, zombies and Keanu Reeves – took a stake in the heart last weekend in my hometown Iowa City, when an alleged zombie was physically assaulted at a restaurant for breaking dead Jim Crow laws, which were supposedly buried over fifty year ago – only to be resurrected in the 21st century. In regard to mainstream America’s pop-lust for zombies (e.g. “Shaun of the Dead,” “Zombieland,”…

  • More Useless Advice That May One Day Kill You (vol. 1)

    T.M. Lindsey
    22 Sep 2009 | 12:49 pm
    The Almighty advised me to not look back while He’s barbequing sin on an open flame. Forrest Gump taught me to keep running. And Therapist Bob told me that I need to stop living in the past and running from my problems. And now all I have for you, dear Reader, is more useless advice that may one day kill you: 1. Never sleep with a cockroach unless they promise you, in writing, to take you with them into the post-apocalyptic paradise. 2. Vote OTHER 3. Walk softly and carry conceal a mid-range CS Super Soaker. Is that a Super Soaker 50 in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? (your…

  • F*** Obama’s Real Health Care Reform

    T.M. Lindsey
    14 Jul 2009 | 2:02 pm
    My favorite 4-letter F-word is, you guessed it: FREE. Despite the cautionary advice that “nothing is free” or “you can’t get something for nothing,” I’m a sucker for free stuff. What can I say, I’m a public school teacher, and I know better than to jump into the middle of a rabid teacher scrum when post-it pads are at stake. If anyone has mastered giving away free stuff with an invisible price tag attached, it’s Obama, Inc. Obama the Campaigner mastered giveaway marketing during his presidential bid and has lobbed these practices into his presidential money-raising strategy.

  • Top Ten Things That May Have Killed Michael Jackson

    T.M. Lindsey
    26 Jun 2009 | 9:21 am
    Michael "The Thriller in Vanilla" Jackson: 1958 -- 2009 The King of Pop is dead, but like his missing glove, how he died remains shrouded in mystery, pending today’s autopsy. Speculation in Hollyplastic and around the world has already been a Twitter. While Say Something Funny does not condone the exploitation of tragedy, we are not immune to the art of speculation – a euphemism for “we don’t know what the fuck we are talking about, but as long as there are folks who will listen to us talk about what the fuck we don’t know, we will keep espousing what the fuck we don’t…

  • You Know Unemployment Is Bad When…

    T.M. Lindsey
    15 Jun 2009 | 9:25 pm
    Michigan Gov. Granholm proposes outsourcing Detroit to India to help bring down the state’s unemployment rate. Brett Favre changes his Facebook career status from “Retired” to “Frictionally Unemployed.” Uncle Sam applies for an extension on His unemployment benefits. God is considering adding an eighth day to the week, so his unemployed creations can have a day off from looking for work. Miss California Carrie Prejean gets fired for not living up to her end of the contract, which strictly forbids homophobia during business hours. "Just say world peace...c'mon, just say…
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    I Hate My Message Board

  • Remember yesterday when I broke out the Corey Hart

    Tracy
    16 Nov 2009 | 9:30 am
    If not, read this then come back Good news, this morning they came and everything checked out so our gas is back on. Hooray for hot water and heat! Bad news, I’m not exactly sure what happened but I think it’s because the water heater got turned to high, but there was a build up of pressure in the tank and the relief valve started leaking water. Good news, this prevented the tank from exploding. How did I find this out? I was trying to fix the clogged garbage disposal and heard an ominous water sound from the basement and thought maybe the pipes were leaking again like they did…

  • No one can take away your right to fight and to NEVER SURRENDER!

    Tracy
    15 Nov 2009 | 6:38 pm
    Or, you know it’s been a bad week when I quote Corey Hart to have the strength to go on I am a complete and utter heel for taking so long to thank everyone who voted for me in the Good Mood Blogger Gig competition. All of the votes and encouragement meant so much to me, and although I didn’t make it into the top 20, I got well over 3ooo votes which is amazing. I meant to tie it into a post about self promotion, but then I got sick and could only think about how much I hated really big umbrellas in crowded places. So, I was starting to feel better and about to get back on track…

  • A Grown Up Hissy Fit

    Tracy
    10 Nov 2009 | 11:34 am
    Or, I have 3 or 4 upbeat posts in the works but it’s just not happening today so let’s get this out of my system, shall we? I know I was just sick but it turns out I am sick again. Or a continuation of the other sick, who knows? The good news is I must not be that sick, because I still have the energy to be very, very grouchy. How grouchy? Dear Leaves: I don’t understand why you have to be so FREAKING LOUD when you fall. I wasn’t going to tell you this, but that’s why people like snow better, because it is quiet. Maybe you should learn something from snow. Dear…

  • Scary Products Contest Winners

    Tracy
    2 Nov 2009 | 8:27 am
    I am so sorry that this is tardy, we seem to have come down with a fiendish plague at my house. I don’t think it’s swine flu or even regular flu, but it is responsible for copious amounts of snot and phlegm. But that is boring and so to avoid the crime of writing while sick (which always results in page after page of me whining how UNFAIR it all is and weeping at the tender beauty of my courage in the face of rhinovirus) I’m proud to announce the grand prize winner is: Alana from Girl Alive for 8 Hotdogs in a CAN with ONIONS in BRINE Runners up: Rina from Gotta Little Space…

  • The Six Grodiest Foods I’ve Tried So Far

    Tracy
    29 Oct 2009 | 8:28 am
    Or, I’m sick, it’s almost Halloween, yeah, I think I’ll do a round up list post. Click on the links to read the full posts! Haggis in a Can This one ultimately wasn’t that disgusting, but I only got to the point where I could eat it by convincing myself it was just like black pudding. That might not work for everyone. Pork Brains in Milk Gravy I’m not one of those bloggers that gets a lot of hate mail, but this post has gotten me a few indignant replies. Don’t knock it til you try it, they say. Yeah, well don’t be getting all pissy at me until…
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    wineandexcrement.com

  • Ordinary Person Spots Celebrity

    Prometheus
    19 Nov 2009 | 3:52 pm
    CHICAGO – A life was enriched today when ordinary citizen George Ferguson spotted a celebrity at O’Hare International Airport.  Ferguson, a processor in the Accounts Department of a generic corporation, had an unconfirmed sighting of a famous person, a moment that will forever bring joy to his life. Ferguson identified the celebrity in question as “That Guy – you know – he was in that movie with That Blond Chick and That Fat Guy – the one where all the stuff blows up.”  Ferguson observed “That Guy” walking through Terminal 3, presumably en route to a gate where he might…

  • Johnny Depp vanishes off coast of Kenya in pirating mishap

    Sisyphus
    18 Nov 2009 | 4:47 pm
    NAIROBI, Kenya – Silver screen heart throb Johnny Depp is missing and feared dead off the cost of Kenya today in the aftermath of a gun battle between the U.S.-flagged Maersk Alabama and Somali Pirates. The 46-year-old Depp, who this week was awarded People Magazine’s “Sexiest Man Alive” accolade for the second time, was aboard the Maersk Alabama in the hopes of gaining “real life” experience working with pirates. Depp is best known for his work portraying androgynous captain Jack Sparrow in Disney’s billion-dollar Pirates of the Caribbean movie series. “We warned him of the…

  • Steven Tyler quits Aerosmith - middle aged housewives horrified

    Prometheus
    10 Nov 2009 | 10:58 am
    BOSTON - Middle aged housewives nationwide reacted in horror today at the rumors that vocalist Steven Tyler has left the band Aerosmith.  He fronted the band for the past 39 years.  Despite being infamous for their misogynistic lyrics and their lifestyle of debauchery, Aerosmith has long inspired nostalgia in their largely female fan base, who are eager to remember those halcyon days when neither they nor Aerosmith yet had their first gray hairs. Aerosmith had to prematurely cancel their summer tour this year when the senile Tyler, 61, fell off the stage and broke his hip.  Their fans…

  • A Square with Jokes - November 9, 2009

    Momos
    9 Nov 2009 | 5:01 pm

  • Nation’s children too lazy to trick or treat

    Prometheus
    2 Nov 2009 | 10:59 am
    MINNEAPOLIS – A shocking new study released today showed that 84% of American Children did not participate in Trick or Treating this Halloween.  The study, commissioned by the University of Minnesota Child Psychology Institute, surveyed both parents and elementary school children nationwide and reached the incredible conclusion that our children are simply too goddamm lazy to walk around the goddamm neighborhood anymore. Why our children don't Trick or Treat? CPI Director John Son called the findings “vitally important.”  In a press release attached to the report, Son indicated…
 
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    List Of the Day

  • Personal Ads Of The Day

    Cary
    20 Nov 2009 | 11:06 am
    So many prospects, so little time. Some of these are jokes -- at least you hope so.

  • Commercial Of The Day: Dildocorn Pony (NSFW)

    Cary
    20 Nov 2009 | 8:29 am
    This is crude, foul and inappropriate. In other words, perfect for LOTD. Enjoy!

  • Quiz Of The Day: Are You An Asshole?

    Cary
    20 Nov 2009 | 7:53 am
    30 from a list of 100+ at TheDipstop.comIf you make fun of a sports team for 10 years and then when they suddenly do well, you jump on the bandwagon and act as if you've always been a fan... you are an asshole!If you take up two parking spaces for one car... you are an asshole! (unless you have to get your wheelchair out of your car)If you fart while passing in front of people in the movie

  • Classic 80s Music Videos Of The Day: Ultravox

    Cary
    19 Nov 2009 | 12:33 pm
    Stuart mentioned Midge Ure, which made me think of Ultravox. Then Wendy requested "Vienna," so this one's for her:This one's for me.

  • Vid Of The Day: The Count, Censored

    Cary
    19 Nov 2009 | 11:54 am
    Dirty old vampire.From Sheila.
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    TechChuff

  • Mafia family annoyed that Twitter recruitment effort not being taken seriously

    theoraclespeak
    17 Nov 2009 | 1:43 am
    Article republished with permission from @theoraclespeak at The Oracle Speaks. Read and comment on the original post here Head of renowned Chicago mafia family Vincenzo Corliane, has expressed his “deep and sincere regret” at the apparent lack of interest in his family’s campaign to recruit a new member to their mob via social networking platform Twitter. The Corlianes grew in infamy by striking terror into the hearts of Chicago’s citizens for over three generations, but have had mixed fortunes in their attempts to use social media. Doesn't this man look like a gangster to you?

  • Survey: Modern Women Rank ‘Having A Big Box of Random Cables’ a Must-Have in a Man

    admin
    16 Nov 2009 | 5:21 am
    What do these modern women want? A dashingly handsome gent with all his own teeth and no priors?  A successful entrepreneur who spends all his time eyeing your handbags to sell on eBay? Or just someone who won’t keep asking ‘You have see the original trilogy right?’ in front of all your friends? We had no fucking idea. As a sexless omnipresence we were forced to commission a focus group to understand what do today’s women look for in a modern man. The results in this plethora of panopticon pleasures, was to say the least, mildly interesting. Glamour Magazine's…

  • Tablet PCs Plagued by Some Kind of ‘Badly-Drawn Cock’ Virus

    HeadChuff
    13 Nov 2009 | 6:43 am
    The tablet PC has always been the preserve of the ‘artistes’ among us: ‘the traffic warden’, ‘the bit-too-white waitress in Wagamamas’ and ‘that bloke in Design who walks around in flip-flops with a tablet PC in one hand, a hand-carved bamboo stylus in the other and a look of pixel-perfect concern across his face’. However as tablet PC’s gain popularity, Apple Tablet rumours grow and with Microsoft announcing their new ‘Compass’ tablet platform, reports are flooding in of a strange virus hitting these new machines. Specifically…

  • The Chuffington Post Pt 3: LadyChuff Waves Back

    ladychuff
    10 Nov 2009 | 6:25 am
    Dear Lady Chuff, Please can I have a Google Wave invite please? Thanks enormously, Everyone, everywhere, all the time ———————— Dear, sweet, innocent readers, It’s clear what’s happened here. You haven’t quite understood: Google Wave doesn’t actually *do* anything. I look up to them both because they have Google Wave invites. Allow me to elucidate: despite commentary which has hailed Wave as nothing short of an electronic marvel, when you actually attempt to find a use for it, it becomes painfully obvious no one actually understands what…

  • Police Manhunt Begins As Man Fails to Log into Facebook.

    ladychuff
    9 Nov 2009 | 11:02 am
    A missing person’s report was issued by police this morning after a Croydon man disappeared from Facebook. Friends fear the worst for 31-year-old Liam Blackley, after he ‘vanished’ from the social network yesterday afternoon. Police refuse to enter MySpace without armed protection Blackley’s disappearance was first noticed when ex-girlfriend Charlene Winterton, 28, tried to tag a photo of him. “We just come back from holiday in Spain, yeah? So I thought I’d tag my photos. But when I scrolled down to his name he wasn’t there. I wasted like 10 minutes looking for him,”…
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    fracas

  • Fraccy Mailing Address Change

    fracas
    16 Nov 2009 | 10:43 am
    For those who had fracas’ previous mailing address, please do not send anything to it. A new fraccy mailing address will be available shortly, and anything sent to the old one will be gobbled up by someone who isn’t fracas. If you’ve sent something to fracas since July, please email me to let me know so that I may address that issue with the post office. Thank you.

  • Going Out Of Business?

    fracas
    15 Nov 2009 | 11:31 am
    I won’t say that I’ve decided for sure, but I am seriously considering closing the fracas blog for good. If I had to give odds or state the percentage it’s likely to close or stay open, I’d say 85% closed, 15% open. I know, I know… there are all these great posts sitting in ‘draft’ that might never see the light of day. More jokes, more posts about women with three boobs, posts about chocolate and another round of Christmas cartoons to make your season jolly… but they, like so many drug-abusing celebrities, might have to die an early death. I…
 
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    Fraccers

  • URL Shorteners Galore

    fracas
    11 Nov 2009 | 11:22 pm
    If you twitter, or just have a need to shorten up your url’s when posting them online, you probably want to use a url shortener service. You don’t have to pay, or download anything, and for the most part, you don’t even have to sign up or log in unless you want an account to [...]

  • Help save Argleton!

    fracas
    4 Nov 2009 | 9:31 pm
    Quick. Fracas needs your help. The Background: Argleton, a ‘phantom town’ in Lancashire that appears on Google Maps and online directories but doesn’t actually exist, has puzzled internet experts. The town appears on Google Maps in the middle of fields close to the M58 motorway, just south of Ormskirk. Its ‘presence’ means that online businesses that use data from the software [...]

  • Wild Lice – It’s What’s For Dinner!

    fracas
    31 Oct 2009 | 3:04 pm
    Entertaining at Halloween means great gross and ghoulish food and treats. Each day until Halloween, Fraccers will post a gross recipe for you to impress your friends with. With today being Halloween, you want to serve your friends and loved ones something really special… don’t you? How about Lice? Saturday, October 31, 2009 Wild Lice Side Dish 2 cups [...]

  • Mmm-Mmm-Moldy Pond Slime

    fracas
    30 Oct 2009 | 8:15 am
    Entertaining at Halloween means great gross and ghoulish food and treats. Each day until Halloween, Fraccers will post a gross recipe for you to impress your friends with. Today’s feature is mmm – mmm – good? Friday, October 30, 2009 Moldy Pond Slime 10 ounces frozen broccoli 10 ounces frozen baby peas 2 tablespoons minced chives 1/2 cup butter 1/4 cup heavy [...]

  • Chunky Cat Barf for Dinner Again Mom?

    fracas
    29 Oct 2009 | 2:29 pm
    Entertaining at Halloween means great gross and ghoulish food and treats. Each day until Halloween, Fraccers will post a gross recipe for you to impress your friends with. Today’s feature is something everyone will love! Thursday, October 29, 2009 Chunky Cat Barf 1 lg Spaghetti Squash 8 oz Cottage Cheese 16 oz Mozzarella (grated) 8 oz Parmesan (grated) 1 qt Spaghetti sauce 1/2 [...]
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    Halushki

  • An Old Poem I'm Posting For A Friend To Read

    Jozet at Halushki
    20 Nov 2009 | 4:52 pm
    may6.doc(a litany)I want to be the bedi want to be the front doori want to be the collective garbage in your housei want to be the hot water heateryour kitchen sinkyour bathroom tubyour brand new office windowyour new and improved CPU with a million monkeys typing for a million years sending up pages of an owner's manual with maintenance tips and diagrams outlining all your ifs ands or butsi want to crack your skulli want to crack your code(I want you to want to crack my code to want to decode and recode....)your sure thingthe love of your liferead my diary and steal my lettersi want you to…

  • The "I Have Deep Thoughts About Parenting" Post

    Jozet at Halushki
    7 Nov 2009 | 3:13 pm
    a.k.a. I'm A Judgmental Bitch When It Comes To KidsThe below Deep Thoughts quotes are from a series of Facebook conversations I've recently been engaged in. These are all my responses only, so they don't really flow as a cohesive soap-box monologue.But just in case anyone out there gets the idea that I really do parent with a roll of duct tape in one hand and a martini glass in the other, I thought I'd post my recent Deep Thoughts as evidence that, you know, even though I talk all funny about my slacker-torture parenting, I'm also at times very ponderously thoughtful, and embarrassingly…

  • Don't Mistake This For A Blog Post

    Jozet at Halushki
    4 Oct 2009 | 8:54 pm
    It's a meme between me and myself to see whether or not I can remember all the concerts I've been to. If this is too self-indulgent even for a blog, please to move along and watch this instead. Thanks!James TaylorCheap Trick (I was 14 years old)Grateful Dead (42,000,034 times)Peter GabrielJoe JacksonElvis Costello (good concert, bad date)Indigo Girls808 State (broke my toe dancing)Dee-LiteLive (sucked so bad)The Who (once at JFK Stadium in Philly)PoliceThe ClashThe Pretenders (Erg. Chrissy must have been having a bad night.)MadnessHootersR.E.M.My Bloody ValentineStone RosesPILThe Cramps (New…

  • Lectures vs. Teachable Moments

    Jozet at Halushki
    16 Sep 2009 | 6:00 pm
    One week ago, at dinner tableMother: So, what did you think of President Obama’s speech to school students?Preteen: It was okay.Mother: Just okay?Preteen: Well, he said most of the stuff that you always say. You know, “work hard, stay in school, listen to your teachers, don't play video games”…stuff like that. Except he waved his arms around a lot more than you do.Mother: Hmmmm.Preteen: It was kinda long.Mother: Do you remember anything else?Preteen: He said he got up at 4:30 in the morning to walk to school.Mother: Do remember him talking about standing up for kids who are getting…

  • BlogHer, Part 2: The Journey Of A Thousand Miles Starts With One Panic Attack

    Jozet at Halushki
    30 Jul 2009 | 7:07 am
    Conversation With Bestest Friend A Few Days Before BlogHerBestest Friend: So, how are you getting to Chicago? Did you decide to drive?Blogger: No, no! I’m going to fly! Isn’t that cool?Bestest Friend: Wow! You are going to fly?Blogger: Yes! Yes I am!Bestest Friend: Blogger: And I’m not nervous at all!Bestest Friend: Good!Blogger: Last time I flew I had to take a mild sedative...or five...but I don’t think I’m even going to need it this time!Bestest Friend: Very good!Blogger: I was reading through Flying Without Fearand really, there is no reason to worry! Flying is more safe than,…
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    Halushki

  • An Old Poem I'm Posting For A Friend To Read

    Jozet at Halushki
    20 Nov 2009 | 4:52 pm
    may6.doc(a litany)I want to be the bedi want to be the front doori want to be the collective garbage in your housei want to be the hot water heateryour kitchen sinkyour bathroom tubyour brand new office windowyour new and improved CPU with a million monkeys typing for a million years sending up pages of an owner's manual with maintenance tips and diagrams outlining all your ifs ands or butsi want to crack your skulli want to crack your code(I want you to want to crack my code to want to decode and recode....)your sure thingthe love of your liferead my diary and steal my lettersi want you to…

  • The "I Have Deep Thoughts About Parenting" Post

    Jozet at Halushki
    7 Nov 2009 | 3:13 pm
    a.k.a. I'm A Judgmental Bitch When It Comes To KidsThe below Deep Thoughts quotes are from a series of Facebook conversations I've recently been engaged in. These are all my responses only, so they don't really flow as a cohesive soap-box monologue.But just in case anyone out there gets the idea that I really do parent with a roll of duct tape in one hand and a martini glass in the other, I thought I'd post my recent Deep Thoughts as evidence that, you know, even though I talk all funny about my slacker-torture parenting, I'm also at times very ponderously thoughtful, and embarrassingly…

  • Don't Mistake This For A Blog Post

    Jozet at Halushki
    4 Oct 2009 | 8:54 pm
    It's a meme between me and myself to see whether or not I can remember all the concerts I've been to. If this is too self-indulgent even for a blog, please to move along and watch this instead. Thanks!James TaylorCheap Trick (I was 14 years old)Grateful Dead (42,000,034 times)Peter GabrielJoe JacksonElvis Costello (good concert, bad date)Indigo Girls808 State (broke my toe dancing)Dee-LiteLive (sucked so bad)The Who (once at JFK Stadium in Philly)PoliceThe ClashThe Pretenders (Erg. Chrissy must have been having a bad night.)MadnessHootersR.E.M.My Bloody ValentineStone RosesPILThe Cramps (New…

  • Lectures vs. Teachable Moments

    Jozet at Halushki
    16 Sep 2009 | 6:00 pm
    One week ago, at dinner tableMother: So, what did you think of President Obama’s speech to school students?Preteen: It was okay.Mother: Just okay?Preteen: Well, he said most of the stuff that you always say. You know, “work hard, stay in school, listen to your teachers, don't play video games”…stuff like that. Except he waved his arms around a lot more than you do.Mother: Hmmmm.Preteen: It was kinda long.Mother: Do you remember anything else?Preteen: He said he got up at 4:30 in the morning to walk to school.Mother: Do remember him talking about standing up for kids who are getting…

  • BlogHer, Part 2: The Journey Of A Thousand Miles Starts With One Panic Attack

    Jozet at Halushki
    30 Jul 2009 | 7:07 am
    Conversation With Bestest Friend A Few Days Before BlogHerBestest Friend: So, how are you getting to Chicago? Did you decide to drive?Blogger: No, no! I’m going to fly! Isn’t that cool?Bestest Friend: Wow! You are going to fly?Blogger: Yes! Yes I am!Bestest Friend: Blogger: And I’m not nervous at all!Bestest Friend: Good!Blogger: Last time I flew I had to take a mild sedative...or five...but I don’t think I’m even going to need it this time!Bestest Friend: Very good!Blogger: I was reading through Flying Without Fearand really, there is no reason to worry! Flying is more safe than,…
 
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    English Russia

  • Klavdievskaya Factory of Christmas-Tree Decorations

    Klavdievskaya factory is one of not many that produced Christmas-tree decorations in Soviet period. The factory was founded in 1949 in Klavdievo, near Kiev and first was specialized on laboratory glass products. In 50’s it started to profile in producing Christmas-tree decorations. Almost all of the production is exported (about 96%) to Germany, Belgium, Holland, France, Great Britain, USA and etc. and only 4% stays in Ukraine. Let’s see how the process of making Christmas-tree decoration looks like. read more..

  • Looking Into the Skies

    Nowadays many people believe that the Soviet Union was the first in the field of space exploration. However, only few know that USSR also had great achievements in another close field – astronomy. During a long time the world’s biggest telescope called The Big Azimuth Telescope or the BAT was located in this country. Moreover, it was constructed exclusively using Soviet technologies and developments, which demonstrated the country’s leadership in the field of optical instruments. Photo credits:1 read more..

  • Moscow City in Fog

    Today our dish is picturesque photos taken from one of the balconies of the business complex “Mirax Plaza” in Moscow. read more..

  • Chapiteau

    No more loud music. Actors are hidden behind the curtain. A tent circus is empty. But it only seems to be – life never quiets down here. Arena is the first thing seen by a circus child. They fall in love, fight and even pay their last tribute to the dead here. The author of these pics was lucky to come and see a real and unique circus wedding. And of course it was celebrated at the arena. It differed from a regular wedding only in one thing – its modesty due to plain conditions of a mobile circus. The first impression is that these circus people are similar to the others. They indeed are,…

  • Worlds First Space Blogger

    The online blog of astronaut Maksim Suraev is an event of international and spacewide standing. For the first time in history, Russian cosmonaut will be posting news and different interesting stories with lots of photos straight from the outer space. read more..
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    Come.Read.Comment.Go.

  • EGGPLOSION!!

    17 Nov 2009 | 11:28 pm
    Caution: Eggs can/will/always explode in the microwave. I have seen it. Yesterday. Now I will never use the eggs and/or the microwave improperly. Eggs & Microwave don't mix!

  • 10 Million Dollars, Baby!!

    16 Nov 2009 | 10:49 pm
    You'll get 10 million dollar, you only have to push a button, if you do, 1 person will die. You don't know that person and no one will ever know you pushed the button. Will you push it? Answer Yes or Not............................

  • My melancholic mind

    12 Nov 2009 | 9:00 pm
    Suppose a genie appears and gives you two choices. The first option is that he will give you $10 million dollars, but everyone else you know will get $20 million apiece.Choice two: You get $5 million, but no one else gets anything.As a bonus, the genie offers to erase your memory of having made the choice, so guilt will never be a factor. You will simply wake up the next day in the new situation.Which option do you choose to maximize your personal happiness?This might seem like an easy choice. You take the $10 million and your friends will get $20 million each. Everyone wins. Unfortunately, I…

  • Click the screenshot..

    4 Nov 2009 | 3:18 am
    & then...

  • w o r d l e

    30 Oct 2009 | 2:14 am
 
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    Bizlevity

  • 2010 Chevrolet Colorado

    Jyle Dupuis
    21 Nov 2009 | 10:50 pm
    The new 2010 Chevrolet Colorado still remains one of the most popular mid-sized pickup trucks in North America. Despite soaring gas prices and a consumer lean towards smaller and more fuel efficient vehicles there will always be a market for pickup trucks. The Colorado is a great truck if you are looking for something that will get you and your tools to any job site. It can also tow it’s fair share, easily capable of hauling a light trailer. 2010 Chevrolet Colorado The Colorado shares it’s frame with the GMC Canyon. Both trucks come in a variety of trims to best suit any need.

  • Nets Lose to Knicks, Prove They Suck

    Stephen Kersey
    21 Nov 2009 | 8:55 pm
    As if there was any question, the New Jersey Nets suck. They made it official on Saturday night by losing at home to the New York Knicks. The now 0-13 Nets trailed by nine points at halftime and never really made much of an effort to get back into it. Rafer Alston was King of Suck on the night. The starting point guard for the Nets had three points on 1-for-7 shooting. The good news is that he didn’t stab anyone. Sean Williams chipped in by missing all five of his shots and committing two turnovers in 16 minutes. The good news is that he didn’t throw a computer monitor. The 3-9…

  • Date Ideas For The Man On A Budget

    James Timmons
    21 Nov 2009 | 8:05 pm
    Like everyone else, I’m hurting money-wise. Expenses up and income down mean that I’m cutting corners where I can. In an effort to not let that affect our dating lives, it is time to get creative, boys. #1 Go Local Find out what is going on in your area. Lots of local events are free and if you know what is going on, it’ll save you from having to buy tickets. Also, she’ll be impressed that you are involved in your community. Image: PhotoXpress #2 Skip the Meal Suggest drinks and appetizers instead of dinner. Meeting up later in the evening will cut down on how much you are forking out…

  • Burn Fat Fast With 10/10 Interval Workout

    Kris Jones
    21 Nov 2009 | 2:44 pm
    The fastest to burn fat is by pushing your body during cardio. NowLoss.com has an excellent strategy for burning fat called the 10/10 interval workout.  The design in this is to take a cardio exercise and go hard for 10 seconds and then rest for 10 seconds.  You repeat the process for 5 to 20 minutes depending how long you can go. The 10/10 is applicable to any type of cardio including running (treadmill), elliptical, jumping jacks, or whatever else you prefer.  The key is to push yourself to the point you can’t wait for the 10 seconds to end every 10 seconds.  You don’t want…

  • “Scene It? Bright Lights! Big Screen!”

    Jeanne Dupuis
    21 Nov 2009 | 2:38 pm
    I love video games but I also like the interactivity of board games so I’m always interested in titles like Scene It? Bright Lights! Big Screen!.  The game was released earlier this week on Xbox 360, Nintendo Wii and PlayStation 3. The movie trivia board game has been adapted for the video gaming format and features new puzzles and quizzes about some of the latest blockbusters and more.  It’s great because you don’t need to be a big movie buff to play it since you can play in groups and it’s great for players of all skill levels. Here are some product details from…
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    Postcards from Yo Momma

  • I Don’t Want to See Any of That

    Postcards From Yo Momma
    21 Nov 2009 | 10:00 am
    Me: you have a facebook? Mom: Yes! I need one, but don’t worry. I don’t want to be friends with you or your brother. I don’t want to see any of that.

  • Why Punish the Rest of Us?

    Postcards From Yo Momma
    21 Nov 2009 | 8:00 am
    Backstory: My mom thinks I’m in AA because I once took her to a restaurant that did not have a liquor license. On her last visit, she was convinced I planned to take her to the same place (even though it was a completely different restaurant) and sent a series of crazy e-mails explaining why she refused to go. I was very clear in our discussion that we are unwilling to go to a restaurant that does not serve wine. Why is that so hard to understand? If you and your husband have taken a vow to abstain from alcohol – then do so. Why punish the rest of us? The last time we were at X…

  • Waiting for That Relationship

    Postcards From Yo Momma
    20 Nov 2009 | 12:05 pm
    Backstory: apparently my mom really does think I’m the only 27 currently not in a relationship. Hey, did you by any chance write an inquirey about a 27 year old who has never had a serious relationship?   I read it in the new ELLE and immediately thought of you.  I’ll save it for you to read. How are things going? Love xoxoxoxoxox and God bless you,  Mom

  • Mom Discovers Google Image Search

    Postcards From Yo Momma
    20 Nov 2009 | 9:01 am
    mom: answer me this me: ok mom: why is it that Daniel Day Lewis is soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo HOT? mom: my God I just seen a picture of him mom: dayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyym

  • Style Tips: Jean Shorts and Tattoos

    Postcards From Yo Momma
    20 Nov 2009 | 6:30 am
    I ordered some new shoes–BOOTS!!  The low-cut ones (great with jeans).  But I was thinking I would get some jeans-shorts where the inseam is 2 inches,  some sweat socks, and a flannel shirt.  Maybe a tattoo on my calf that says “Yo Momma” or “Semper Fi.”
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    National Lampoon

  • 5 Obscure Body Parts From The American Body Politic

    Rosolio
    16 Nov 2009 | 8:16 pm
    By: Eddie “Cube” Rawls If you’re seeking the seminal “list” sort of “article,” filled with contemporary political jokes about the salacious details on the innards (and outards) of figures who grace the media on a routine basis, you’re in the wrong place. Really, it’s far too easy — like the combination to Bristol Palin’s lock on her chastity belt. Here, you won’t find jokes about pin-ups of Levi Johnston’s johnson circulating underneath bathroom stalls at the Y.M.C.A. Nor will you spot a glob of Bill Love, as…

  • George Carlin Gets the Last Word

    NatLamp Staff
    11 Nov 2009 | 11:16 am
    George Carlin just had to get the Last Word, which is rather fitting for one of the most outspoken comics in history. His epic rants and legendary ‘Seven Words You Can’t Say on Television’ made him one of the most well known comedians in history. In 1993 George Carlin asked his friend, and former National Lampoon editor Tony Hendra to help him write his autobiography. For almost fifteen years, in scores of conversations, many of them recorded, the two discussed Carlin’s life. When Carlin died at age seventy-one in June 2008 with the book still unpublished, Hendra set…

  • “Marijuana Minister” Defense Goes Up In Smoke

    admin
    10 Nov 2009 | 9:30 am
    By: Eddie “Cube” Rawls (Brevard County, FL) Are you ready to be Saved! I mean ready? Really ready? Ready for the miracle of weed? Oh ye Brothers and Sisters of the… Temple Of Lampoon? I feel The Holy Spirit inside me. Yes. A Spirit who grows and expands deep inside my very core (in fact, it kind of burns). The blessed Lord gives me power to rise up (maybe I should sit down) and reverse a terrible injustice. I embark on this journey and implore you, my disciples, to join me on a most important mission. To free the Holy Father Of Ganga. Can I get an “Amen?” The…

  • Horse. It’s What’s For Dinner

    admin
    2 Nov 2009 | 4:51 pm
    By: Eddie “Cube” Rawls (Miami, FL)We all know South Florida is a vortex for all that is unholy and will likely spell the demise of humankind and the entire galaxy… to put it mildly.Florida’s a haven for newlyweds and nearlydeads.It has endless miles of bad road filled with strip-malls; where each store seemingly runs and smells like the D.M.V.And, if you’re famous like me, Vegas has back-room odds in a Deathpool on you — with prop bets on whether you’ll get shanked in a Meth deal gone South or run over and turned into a greasespot by some random midget…

  • Moo Means Yes In Jersey

    admin
    2 Nov 2009 | 3:06 am
    by Eddie “Cube” Rawls (Moorestown, NJ)Where to begin?Hmm…I know!Some copper from Jersey f*cked five cows and got off the hook. Now, I gather you’re thinking this some tawdry Lampoon ploy – a catchy headline, “Moorestown, NJ” as our setting, and the super-popular bestiality/law enforcement shell game trick.I can hear it now:“Moorestown!Ha-ha!I get it!Cows go Moo!”No.This is a good, old-fashioned, veritable act of cow raping. I couldn’t make up a pile of dung like this if I tried.Well, I could, but that’s not the point.For example, if your humble and reserved…
 
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    The Parody Files

  • Shout Out Of The Week

    Oliver Clozoff
    13 Nov 2009 | 9:24 am
    The “Shout Out Of The Week” will be a new feature here on The Parody Files, wherein we give a shout out to someone who made us laugh. This week’s shout out goes to SillySupermarket.com. This is the website of Top Shelf Enterprises (TSE), who makes silly supermarket stickers that parody actual product packaging. Very funny stuff! They remind us of “Wacky Packs” stickers that were all the rage back in the 70’s. On which we blew much allowance money and formed a lifelong love for parody. You need to get you some Silly Supermarket Stickers. You can order…

  • LOST Meets Left4Dead

    Oliver Clozoff
    10 Nov 2009 | 2:39 pm
    Here’s a new campaign just released for the Left4Dead computer game: Social Bookmarking

  • A Call for Humor Bloggers

    Oliver Clozoff
    3 Nov 2009 | 11:11 am
    Quality humor writing takes considerable time and effort. Here at The Parody Files we1 have prided ourselves on choosing quality over quantity, and consequently our posting rate has always been rather low. But recently it has become particularly low. We have slowly come to the realization that we do not have sufficient time to maintain a minimally viable humor blog — at least not on our own. Consequently we have decided to transform The Parody Files into a by-invitation-only group humor blog. So if you are interested in joining us, then please let us know.  This is the perfect…

  • New, from Parody Files Press…..

    Oliver Clozoff
    19 Oct 2009 | 1:15 pm
    Social Bookmarking

  • Neal Schon Losing His Battle With Guitar Face

    Oliver Clozoff
    15 Oct 2009 | 12:13 pm
    LOS ANGELES, CA (AP Newsliar) — Sources reported today that long-time Journey guitarist Neal Schon is losing his 40-year battle with Cithara-Fatsia Syndrome, better known as “guitar face.” Guitar Face is a debilitating condition that strikes thousands of musicians a year. Research funded by the American Guitar Face Society suggests it is a neurological disorder, resulting in involuntary facial contortions which are correlated in severity to the difficulty or emotional poignancy of guitar riffs being played.  Schon was diagnosed not long after joining the band Santana as a…
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    AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com

  • SNS: Body By Dad

    dominick
    21 Nov 2009 | 2:00 pm
    Jennifer was the only baby in the neighborhood with creatine in her formula. (submitted by Jennifer)

  • An Apple A Wedding Day

    dominick
    19 Nov 2009 | 7:57 pm
    On second thought, he decided to keep the ring. (submitted by John)

  • Vote for AFP!

    dominick
    19 Nov 2009 | 6:31 pm
    AFP has just been nominated for a 2009 Urlie in the category of “Best New Single-Topic Blog.” We’re definitely an underdog, so pls show your support and vote. Polls are open thru Dec. 2nd and you can vote as many times as you want. http://www.urlesque.com/2009/11/17/best-of-the-web-2009-urlies/ Thx! AFP

  • Behind the Awkwardness: Splash

    admin
    19 Nov 2009 | 9:01 am
    “This is my mom, dad and brother in Sydney. Posing on a bridge, my brother set the camera on timer, and ran back to join my parents. However, he had too much momentum and fell back into the pond.” (submitted by Claire)

  • Finger Painting

    dominick
    19 Nov 2009 | 12:15 am
    You’ve just made a baby. So why not paint like one? (submitted by Claire)
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    Fair City News

  • OM_! Skepticon is This Weekend!

    admin
    20 Nov 2009 | 5:56 am
    Skepticon attendees not sure if event will actually occur Springfield, MO— Local atheists are considering coming together for an annual gathering but are not sure to trust in what the flyers and event announcements have been propagating. If enough people believe that the event will actually take place, it could be the largest gathering of atheists in the Midwest right here in Springfield. The second annual Skepticon at Missouri State University might be held Friday through Sunday, according to the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. “If we can pull this off, it will be a miracle.

  • Railroad Claims Diesel Spring Natural Miracle

    admin
    19 Nov 2009 | 5:37 am
    Property owners claim contaminated spring is economic miracle Springfield, MO—Recent event have forced a spotlight on the amazing diesel spring located on property owned by a local railroad company. Springfield officials are claiming that the DNR or EPA should investigate further, as the City doesn’t wish to accept responsibility for the contamination that runs into the Jordan River that deposits into Table Rock Lake. A Burlington Northern Santa Fe Railroad spokesperson said, “I don’t know why any citizen would complain about a natural occurrence where usable fuel is bubbling up out…

  • Dr. Brad Bradshaw Adds “Ninja” To Ever Expanding Title

    admin
    18 Nov 2009 | 5:34 am
    Dr. Brad Bradshaw now a ninja Springfield, MO—Dr. Brad Bradshaw can now claim to be a licensed physician, surgeon, lawyer and ninja. Dr. Bradshaw graduated from medical school, possesses surgical training, specialized training in Internal Medicine and Psychiatry and has received certification in Clinical Obstetrics from Harvard Medical School. However, his newest accolade bestows legendary abilities including invisibility, walking on water, and control over natural elements. “I’m a man of various interests and want to continually challenge myself with new opportunities. I really enjoy…

  • SNL Honors FCN

    admin
    17 Nov 2009 | 5:39 am
    Award winning hit show SNL honors FCN original content Springfield, MO—Saturday Night Live recently honored Fair City News by bringing “Catch the Swine Fever” to life in a sketch that aired nationwide on NBC November 7, 2009. The original FCN story posted April 28, 2009 and was picked up by SNL writers who comb the Internet’s best satire websites searching for material. On Monday, contributing FCN writer John Mello reportedly left a voicemail for FCN founder Chad Harris that said, “I don’t know if you saw it, but they totally stole our story”. According to Google analytics,…

  • Greenskeeper Wanted on Drug Charges

    admin
    16 Nov 2009 | 6:41 am
    Spackler before (inset) and after drug use Springfield, MO—Carl Spackler, former greenskeeper at Bushwood Country Club is wanted in Greene County on a charge of possession of a controlled substance. He also has a misdemeanor warrant. Spackler, 44, is white, 6-foot-4, and 220 pounds, with brown hair and hazel eyes. Spackler may have short-cut hair, rather than the style shown in this photo. Head groundskeeper Sandy McFiddish speculates that years of abusing Spackler verbally contributed to his trip down a dark path. “Last thing I said to him was ‘Carl. Damn your eyes. I told you, today…
 
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    FMyLife

  • Hannah says FML

    Hannah
    21 Nov 2009 | 7:07 pm
    Today, I was so excited because I heard from my best friend that my boyfriend was going to propose to me. At the end of the dinner he didn't... Instead I saw him crying because I had swallowed the engagement ring that was in my cheesecake. FML

  • jayne_dhoe says FML

    jayne_dhoe
    21 Nov 2009 | 6:41 pm
    Today, my boyfriend came home drunk and thought it would be funny to spray himself in the face with pepper spray, I was in his drunken firing line too. After him vomiting and being blinded for a few hours, he was fine! I on the other hand had a terrible allergic reaction and got rushed to hospital. FML

  • Anonymous says FML

    Anonymous
    21 Nov 2009 | 6:31 pm
    Today, my boss called me into her office to tell me I needed to mind my own business, and not question everything my newest co-worker does. Yesterday, I stopped the new girl from giving $6,000 to the wrong person. I was fired on the spot. The new girl was promoted into my job. FML

  • Anonymous says FML

    Anonymous
    21 Nov 2009 | 3:12 pm
    Today, I got diagnosed with stomach ulcers. They are very painful, and I have been throwing up blood. On my latest trip to the toilet, I was heaving and the pain was making me beat the floor with my fist, the toilet lid decided to come crashing down on my head, giving me a minor concussion. FML

  • Rhianna says FML

    Rhianna
    21 Nov 2009 | 3:05 pm
    Today, I was babysitting my younger brother while my parents were away. I turned my back on my brother for one minute and then I heard a huge crash from their room. He had somehow destroyed a family heirloom and 200 year old clock. FML
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    Lowering the Bar

  • Man Tests Police by Dressing to Match Suspect's Description

    Kevin
    20 Nov 2009 | 12:09 am
    I can remember times when I was really, really bored.  I mean, really bored.  But I don't think I've ever been so bored that I even considered checking a police scanner to get a description of somebody the police were looking for, and then dressing up like that person to see what would happen.  Sure, it sounds like fun, and not at all dangerous, but I would probably just turn on the PlayStation instead. But maybe PlayStations are hard to come by in Redding, California.  On November 16, police there were looking for a man who witnesses said was wearing khaki pants and a San Francisco…

  • Joe Francis Sentenced to Time Served, Is Now Free to Sleaze Again

    Kevin
    18 Nov 2009 | 11:12 am
    Joe Francis, the Girls Gone Wild founder -- or as Gawker.com described him, the "alleged arm-twisting sexual aggressor and loathsome Girls Gone Wild founder" -- was sentenced on November 7 to time already served, and was released into the wild to go back to stalking your daughters.  (I think I find this so irritating partly because it makes it that much more difficult for me to stalk them.  Nothing more awkward than running into another stalker while you are just minding your own business trying to get some stalking done.  Get your own!) Francis had been faced with a trial this month…

  • UPDATE: Amended Complaint in Dolphin Case Also Points Finger at Algae

    Kevin
    18 Nov 2009 | 6:58 am
    As you may recall, this summer a woman sued the Brookfield Zoo alleging she had fallen near the dolphin pool because the zoo had recklessly encouraged said dolphins to splash water out of said pool, making the floor slippery.  Local sources reported recently that the plaintiff had amended her complaint to blame algae as well. Algae, as you know, are a large and diverse group of simple, typically autotrophic eukaryotes that conduct photosynthesis within membrane-bound chloroplasts that are similar to cyanobacteria and may in fact represent reduced cyanobacterial endosymbionts.  They can also…

  • Plaintiff Alleges That Defendants Concealed Location of His House

    Kevin
    17 Nov 2009 | 12:05 pm
    This case was filed recently in San Mateo County, just south of San Francisco: Stanley G Hilton v. San Francisco International Airport; San Francisco International Airport Authority; City and County of San Francisco; San Mateo County; Town of Hillsborough; United Airlines Inc.; UAL Inc.; American Airlines; Virgin Atlantic Airlines; Mexicana Airlines; Lufthansa German Airlines; [lots of other airlines]; General Electric Inc.; Michael Sparer; Kathleen Sparer; Cashin Real Estate Company; Coldwell Banker Inc.; Francis Hunter; Gina Haggerty; [more airlines]; Boeing Corporation; Airbus Industries;…

  • Bear-Disturbance Acquittal Follow-Up

    Kevin
    16 Nov 2009 | 11:35 am
    Last week I mentioned that I was having trouble finding the law that Kenneth Herron supposedly violated when he infiltrated the bear grotto at the San Francisco Zoo.  I speculated that it might have been section 5.08 of the San Francisco Park Code, which makes animal-disturbing a misdemeanor, and a reader has confirmed that by directing me to this September 28 press release from the San Francisco DA's office, which cites that section. It seems a little odd to me that Herron's arraignment warranted a press release, since they clearly don't announce every arraignment that way.  A lot of the…
 
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    Ann's Rants

  • The House that dwell Built!

    19 Nov 2009 | 6:10 pm
    This is the house that dwell built!This is the urban couple dressed mostly in blackWith a Small-Paul clad toddler, their son named JackThat dreamed of a house that dwell BuiltThis is a sign reading “foreclosed”Hanging from the reclaimed door, raw and exposedThat mortgaged the future of the couple in blackWith a small-Paul clad toddler, their son named JackThat dreamed of a house that dwell Built.These are the invoices piled highBecause of one change from the feng shui guyThat resulted in the sign reading “foreclosed”Hanging from the reclaimed door, raw and exposedThat mortgaged the…

  • WOW. This stuff is cool WOW! Thanks, WOW!

    14 Nov 2009 | 7:18 pm
    Dear Angela and Wow Spring 2009 Contest Staff,I received my prize box today, and want to thank you for your thoughtful generosity. The hoodie and t-shirt look so comfy and cute--I adore that kelly green color and the fun graphics.The book by sponsor Diana Kirschner, PhD (client of guest judge, literary agent Wendy Sherman)"Love in 90 days" looks funny and insightful, as does Annette Fix's memoir "The Break Up Diet." Did you select those titles specifically for me? (Dialing marriage counselor).The gift certificate for grammarbook.com is invaluable, as is the WOW tote bag for library books or a…

  • My Carbon Footprint: Paul Bunyan-sized and filled with Tidy Cat

    8 Nov 2009 | 10:01 pm
    What I should do for my planet: invest in a pick-ax or ice-fishing tools and bury cat feces in my backyard throughout our five months of winter. Or use flushable litter and spend even more time with our toilet and surrounding “back splash.” Better yet, once I get A3 (Almost Three) potty-trained, I should train Dexter (Fat Ass) to toilet. Because the pervasive camp bathroom smell in our house needs a little more oomph.What I do to my planet instead: Entomb hoagie-sized clumps of cat urine in plastic bags to preserve in landfills for all eternity. I believe this practice is actually…

  • "Pledged": A Book Report

    5 Nov 2009 | 7:48 pm
    This fall I read “Pledged: The Secret Life of Sororities” by Alexandra Robbins. Highlights included the weekly house meeting discussion over whether or not one sister should go change her underwear, and a graphic description of the rush wardrobe approval process (NO FLIP FLOPS). I learned some valuable lessons:1. Everyone who you tell you are reading “Pledged: The Secret Life of Sororities” will say their sorority wasn’t like that.2. “Everyone” refers to one person on Twitter, because mostly you hide “Pledged” in a quilted book cover with handles on it for easy toting.3. The…

  • Interview With Myself #3: 16-year-old Retail Clerk

    1 Nov 2009 | 10:01 pm
    Dee: So, why do you want to work at RazzMaTazz?Me: I think long fingernails look awesome when performing phone answering and cash register duties. I can’t decide if that one guy across the hall is cute or a total nerd. I’m hoping you’ll ask me to model for the ads in the local paper. I’m sure you will, and that it’s only a matter of time. Why don’t you ever ask me? I’m just as pretty as Donna. Don’t you think I’m pretty? On a scale of 1-10 how pretty am I? I’m so ugly.Dee: Do you shop at RazzMaTazz?Me: Ummm…one size fits all fabric painted plastic t-shirt clipped…
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    Fuck You, Penguin

  • Don't even think about trying to sneak by me

    20 Nov 2009 | 5:50 am
    I've tried to get around to as many species as possible on this blog, but it's really hard to keep up with all the smart-ass explorers that go into places like volcanos and obscure unexplored mountains and discover, like, seven thousand new species in a day. So to stem the tide, I've put together a post that covers a lot of the really dangerous new species that these Darwin-dick riders have shoved in our faces, just to get them out of the way and move onto the serious problem areas.Hey buddy, nice head. What, were all the proportional heads taken? I did a little math, and even if I lost one…

  • I think you may have sat on your own face, clown monkey

    13 Nov 2009 | 5:29 am
    Mandrill, I'd like to introduce you to a concept called restraint. Here's how it works: I don't make fun of the fact that you think chewing on a twig is cool, and you refrain from looking like your mom had sex with a box of Fruit Loops and made you. Honestly, of all the ridiculously insane monkeys out there, you have to be the craziest one of all. You're a primate, Mandrill, not a fucking Care Bear.And as if it wasn't enough that you have a Van Gogh painting on your ass, you just had to get like an all-time amazing shampoo/blow out at the local salon. HOW IS THIS EVEN POSSIBLE IN THE WILD.

  • Dissatisfied ferrets resort to Jewish guilt

    10 Nov 2009 | 6:19 am
    Ferrets have made no secret out of the fact that they are not happy about being so low down the list of favorite pets, hovering way below the classic favorites like dogs and cats and somewhere between a potbellied pig and a chia pet. Instead of taking this like a man, they unsurprisingly take it like a ferret, which means tons of fucking passive aggressive comments about how all the ferret wants is for you to be happy and if it doesn't make you happy, well, then maybe it just shouldn't be around any more.This particular manipulative bastard has taken it to a whole other level. If a Ferret…

  • I doubt Nathan Lane feels threatened

    30 Oct 2009 | 5:54 am
    This nudibranch apparently thinks it's the cutest thing on the block just because it's the neon equivalent of a drama kid. Prancing around the ocean like you have a spine doesn't mean you should pose jazz-hands style like you're in a college production of Fame, asshole.Talk about cheesy. Was this the nudibranch's headshot for auditions? I've got news for you, Nudibranch, no one is looking for an overenthusiastic mollusk to take Broadway by storm. I hope you're good at pouring coffee, because I see a bright future for you in table-waiting.

  • Is there anything more defeating than cute bats?

    27 Oct 2009 | 9:10 am
    Baby Bat, you are destroying my ability to successfully categorize safe animals and animals that want me to drop whatever I am doing and make sure they are comfortable and happy. You are supposed to be trying to suck my blood or finding your way out of a cave using radio waves or Google maps or whatever. Instead you are like a big-eyed baby deer crossed with a webbed monkey sucking on a pacifier. You're really little, too, aren't you? There's nothing in this picture that I can compare you to, but I get the sense you're something disgusting like a pound and a half. I bet you would fit in my…
 
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    Comedy Central

  • Bill Engvall - Get Off My Yard

    21 Nov 2009 | 4:00 pm
    Nobody wants to be the grouchy old man on the corner, but we all turn into him eventually -- and you will, too.

  • Bill Engvall - Fifties

    21 Nov 2009 | 4:00 pm
    The best part about getting older is that the older you get, the more people think they have to listen to you.

  • Bill Engvall - The Club

    21 Nov 2009 | 4:00 pm
    Going to a club is no fun when you're 50, out of touch and completely out of your element.

  • Recap - Week of 11/16/09

    19 Nov 2009 | 4:00 pm
    Highlights from the latest Daily Show headline coverage and guest interviews from the week of November 16th.

  • Exclusive - Jack's Mannequin - The Resolution

    19 Nov 2009 | 4:00 pm
    The complete performance of "The Resolution" by Jack's Mannequin, from their album "The Glass Passenger."
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    Comedy Central Insider

  • Before They Get Stale: Tina Fey, Max Silvestri and Jason Segel

    Gonzalo Cordova
    20 Nov 2009 | 2:30 pm
    Max Silvestri traverses the foreign terrain of Twilight, using the Magellans of our modern age, YouTube internet commentators, as his only guide. [Atom] 30 Rock show-runner Robert Carlock talks about Liz and Jack's non-existent romance, "…I don’t think that’s what either of them is looking for. They’ll both find somebody eventually. He’ll give her away at her wedding." [Boston] Tina Fey on the 30 Rock porno cameo, "They made a porn movie about Sarah Palin and the same actress, Lisa Ann, played me in the porn version of 30 Rock. Weirdly, of the three of us,…

  • This Sunday: Bill Engvall Is Aged and Confused

    Matt Tobey
    20 Nov 2009 | 1:30 pm
    Bill Engvall has a new stand-up special premiering this Sunday night, and it's all about the life changes he's experienced since turning fifty. I can't imagine what I'll be like when I'm fifty. Mostly because I'm pretty sure I'll be among the first to die in the resistance movement against the machine uprising of 2018. More clips after the jump. And you can see the whole thing when Bill Engvall: Aged and Confused premieres this Sunday at 9pm / 8c.

  • Fred Thompson Shocks Fred Thompson by Declaring the War in Afghanistan 'Lost'

    comedy central insider
    20 Nov 2009 | 12:10 pm
    From Indecision… You probably don't listen to Fred Thompson's radio show every week — especially now that you're busy reading Going Rogue — so for those who missed it, here's the former D.A. Senator's opinion of the war effort in Afghanistan… "It really doesn't matter how President Obama divides the Afghan baby, how he splits the difference between McChrystal and Biden. Because the war has been lost," Thompson said on his radio show today. (Barack Obama has a secret Afghan baby??!!?!??) Ahem. Now, if Fred Thompson had heard Fred Thompson…

  • Web Series 5-On Spins Off Into TV Glory or I'm Afraid Of (Ugly) Americans

    comedy central insider
    20 Nov 2009 | 11:26 am
    From the Atom blog… It’s an internet fairy-tale come true! Atom series 5-on has gone old school and spun off into a bonafide TeeVee show! Zombies, demons, and monsters all live mundane, typical lives mingling amongst humans in Ugly Americans (sounds like a trip to my in-laws, HI-OH!). Check out the sneak preview: Now take a look at the original series by Devin Clark. Dont forget the little people, Devin. 5-On: Demons on the Environment I guess that Demon Girl had to put on some clothes for prime-time. Tape pasties don’t fly with the FCC.

  • Stephen Colbert Calls Obama The Meryl Streep of Presidents

    Gonzalo Cordova
    20 Nov 2009 | 10:30 am
    Stephen Colbert went on Late Show with David Letterman last night to promote the paperback edition of I Am America (And So Can You!) (now with even more paper!) The best part was when Colbert called Obama the Meryl Streep of Presidents. Does that make Joe Biden the Melanie Griffith of Vice Presidents? Yes, yes it does.
 
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    nonamedufus

  • Sunday Funnies

    nonamedufus
    22 Nov 2009 | 3:41 am
    It was a busy, busy week in political cartoon land last week. President Obama visited China where his bowing to Chinese was seen as offensive by some back home. In Canada, a portly Member of Parliament took offense when another Member Twittered about his girth in a Parliamentary Committee. Elsewhere, allegations were made that Canadian soldiers knew Taliban prisoners would be tortured when they handed them over to Afghan authorities. Sarah Palin's much anticipated book came out last week. And believe it or not, Bert and Ernie and all their Sesame Street buddies hit a significant milestone.

  • A Lot of Kissing Up Going On

    nonamedufus
    21 Nov 2009 | 4:01 am
    Okay, I think I'm just gonna call this caption contest Weekly Moooooog Mania. The moooooogster has turned in the winning caption for the second week in a row with....And later that same evening President Ahmadinejad showed Ben his mighty warhead.Well done moooooog. You be...Oh, and by the way, last week I was hanging with Mad-Mad Margo. Yep, she awarded me a Golden Phallus for winning her caption contest last Saturday. You can read all about it here.Thanks Margo. Of course the fact that I did a full-length feature of your contribution to the Humor Bloggers Dot Com Injustice Campaign probably…

  • Political Correctness Run Amok

    nonamedufus
    20 Nov 2009 | 3:24 am
    Before we go any further, I've got a question. What the heck is a mok anyway?*Googles* Let's see, the #1 ranked item is the Urban Dictionary and that says...*Giggles*Hmmm... no kidding?Wait a minute is that my picture?Oh, are you still here? Sorry I got sidetracked there. I wanted to get back to the topic at hand, the subject of today's injustice, our weekly Humor Blubberers Dot Com diatribe: political correctness. And today's question: has it run, urm, er, amok?You know, I was willing to go along when people got offended by things like "the little lady" usually used in a sentence with "in…

  • Fun With Pic and Pain

    nonamedufus
    19 Nov 2009 | 4:04 am
    While reluctant at first, the Prime Minister was warming up to these belly dance classes his wife had signed him up forThe Prime Minister of Canada, and his office, are known to control the media. The PM does a grave injustice to the Canadian people when he shuns news conferences, avoids reporters and photographers, issues tightly-scripted statements and shares "official" photos with media outlets that only show him in the best light. Guess what? nonamedufus has found a couple of unofficial photos and as a public service has captioned them for your edification and amusement and, as the rest…

  • Pause, Ponder and Pun

    nonamedufus
    18 Nov 2009 | 3:27 am
    This isn't what I had in mind when I said Iran's President Ahmadinejad should kiss off. What did you have in mind?Take your best shot at this ass is of evil. See you Saturday with a winner. Hey and follow me on over to Kirsten's, Ettarose's and Mad-Mad Margo's for more captioning challenges. Hurry now. I didn't walk. I ran.
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    Shalampax Speaks

  • Shoe Marketing

    Snotontable
    22 Nov 2009 | 4:00 am
    If there’s one thing I’ve learned on the business beat hear at Shalampax Speaks it’s that you should never underestimate the power of good marketing to boost profitability, or the power of bad marketing to kill it. Take The Shalampax Shoe Store as an example. When Buttcrack opened her store a little over ten years ago [...]

  • The Great Depression

    Birdinhand
    21 Nov 2009 | 4:00 am
    Hugepimple, head of the psychology department at the Shalampax Medical Clinic, recently announced that the clinic has seen an enormous increase in the number of cases of depression that have been diagnosed in the past few weeks. Neither Hugepimple nor anyone else at the clinic can find a reason why a very large cross-section of [...]

  • Copper: A Decorative History

    Stickinthemud
    20 Nov 2009 | 4:00 am
    Emptybucket is scheduled to give another in his continuing series of renowned, mind-numbingly tedious lectures at lunchtime tomorrow. Tomorrow’s topic is “The Decorative Use of Copper in 18th Century Shalampax.” This lecture should not be quite as tiresome as most of Emptybucket’s talks. In fact, it will likely be remarkably short as there are no known [...]

  • The Excitement Continues to Build

    Stoneupnose
    19 Nov 2009 | 4:00 am
    Peeps, are you as excited as I am? I’m sorry. Of course, you can’t answer that until you know how excited I am. Well, let me tell you. I’m a guy and about as manly a man as you’ll find in Shalampax, which, admittedly, is not saying much, but my nipples are erect. That’s how electrified [...]

  • Splitcoconut Achieves His Goal

    Stickinthemud
    18 Nov 2009 | 4:00 am
    Splitcoconut has asked me to pass along word that he recently achieved an important milestone that he as been striving to attain for a few days now. He hopes that all of his family and friends will join him in joyously celebrating this important feat. Yes, after nine consecutive days of excruciating constipation, Splitcoconut was finally [...]
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    The Toy Zone » Blog

  • 5 Awesome Twitter Inspired Tattoos

    admin
    14 Nov 2009 | 5:32 am
    Getting a tattoo is an incredibly personal decision that says a lot about you. The following images are  of people who have gone web 2.0 and opted for a twitter inspired tattoo. I personally would be worried about having a permanent tattoo  for a website that has only been around a few short years. You could [...]

  • 20 Geek Inspired Engagement Rings

    admin
    13 Nov 2009 | 1:39 am
    Check out this selection of 20 geeky wedding rings: 1. Pistol Ring A really wonderful ring! It makes me think if it really works like a real pistol. But, lo and behold, it comes with small bullets. So, it functions like a pistol, but, of course, the bullets are small enough to keep you from facing any [...]

  • 10 Taxidermy Fashion Accessories

    admin
    12 Nov 2009 | 2:26 am
    Shock strangers and disgust animal lovers with this array of 10 animal inspired fashion accessories. 1. Hamster Hair Band The luxurious fur of this hamster hair accessory will make a statement few others can dare. Wear it when you feel that nothing ordinary will do. Source 2. Dead Rat Purse You will never mistake your bag for someone else’s [...]

  • 12 Geek Inspired Wallets

    admin
    5 Nov 2009 | 1:02 pm
    Check out the following 12 wallets that every Geek should own. 1. Apple Pro keyboard A vintage Apple Pro keyword makes the perfect semi-transparent wallet. Flexible and comfortable in your hand or in your pocket, this wallet holds all your personal credit cards and cash. Source 2. Atari Pac-Man Wallet Were you a Pac-Man addict before the advent of the [...]

  • 25 of Your Favorite Video Games Recreated as Dioramas

    admin
    29 Oct 2009 | 11:59 am
    Here are 25 classic scenes from various retro games from ‘duck hunt’ to “Donkey Kong” which have been recreated in detailed paper crafted form. 1.  Tomb Raider This diorama immediately accesses one of the most prominent images of Tomb Raider (other than the obvious!) and is taken from the 2nd game in the series. In a simple [...]
 
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    Christopher Gabriel

  • 17 Seconds and a Karaoke Mystery (video)

    Christopher Gabriel
    17 Nov 2009 | 5:41 pm
    I’m hearing talk.  Lots of talk.  But it’s all been very hush-hush: Hints in emails, a cryptic text message, the occasional voicemail, a large envelope… it all centers around a video from the Singing with the Stars event at Divas and Rockstars in West Fargo that, allegedly, exists.  I’ll hear a name, a drop point, a contact… it’s all very mysterious. It was a wonderful evening for everyone but trying to obtain possession of what is surely 60 minutes of pure DVD gold (copper, gold..it’s all the same) has become tantamount to securing high-level…

  • And the Winner Is…

    Christopher Gabriel
    15 Nov 2009 | 9:51 pm
    Previously on cgabriel.com (attempting to build drama), I laid out the details of Singing with the Stars at Divas and Rockstars in West Fargo.  Nine pairs of singers, each one combining a great local singer with a media “celebrity,” would battle it out in a karaoke competition.  The Keys for Winning were very simple:  Sing great, or at least as well as you could, and give an overall presentation (costuming, choreography, crowd interaction, etc.) that was in harmony with the actual song itself.  Directly in front of the stage about 10 feet away was a row of…

  • Proud Mary Comes to West Fargo

    Christopher Gabriel
    13 Nov 2009 | 9:45 pm
    Anyone who listens to radio here in the Fargo-Moorhead area already knows that the 3rd annual Singing with the Stars karaoke charity event is Saturday night at Divas and Rockstars in West Fargo.  The fundraiser is for Ronald McDonald House Charities of the Red River Valley.  A handful of the very best singers in the F-M area are teamed up with local media “celebrities” for a night of what promises to be complete lunacy.  I was asked about three months ago if I’d take part and said yes.  I said yes without thinking about what I was actually committing to:  Singing. …

  • Fans Can’t Have it Both Ways

    Christopher Gabriel
    8 Nov 2009 | 6:31 pm
    Watching the World Series play out to its inevitable conclusion - or as Yankees radio broadcaster John Sterling screams in what has to be one of the most dreadful calls in modern sports history, “Yankees Win, THHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHE Yankees Win” - I couldn’t help but notice more than a few Twins fans I work alongside visibly and audibly annoyed. The lament was unanimous:  The Yankees buy championships.  Perhaps, though if that was indeed the case why don’t they walk off with the trophy every November?  Or October, in the rare year fans don’t need to watch…

  • Sports Notes: The View from Fargo

    Christopher Gabriel
    1 Nov 2009 | 10:32 am
    I’ve been asked by more than a few people how life’s been in Fargo as we near the six-month residency benchmark.  What they’re really asking is, “How’s your sports habit working out up there?” Just fine, thank you. Here’s the view from Fargo… or as 1940’s WDAY radio broadcasts used to call us, “The Northwest.” As a diehard Tennessee Vols fan, you don’t see a lot of orange up here.  No matter.  Contrary to popular belief, we have television in Fargo.  Not only that - CABLE.  And go figure, it’s no less…
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    Josh Goguen

  • Goguen vs Sabo: UFC 106

    Josh Goguen
    19 Nov 2009 | 8:58 am
    I don’t have much to say about this one. There’s fewer interesting fights to me on this card than on last week’s, which was free on Spike. Of course, every time I say that, it winds up being a night of spectacular fights. When am I ever going to trust Joe Silva? I recommend going to Hooters [...]

  • Dumbs Day

    Josh Goguen
    18 Nov 2009 | 5:00 am
    December 21, 2012 is supposed to be the end of the world. There’s a movie out now about it, so I’m sure people are finally aware of this superstition. I’d heard of it, but I don’t know much other than it’s based off of the Mayan calendar. From what I understand, the reason the end-of-the-world [...]

  • Goguen vs Sabo: UFC 105

    Josh Goguen
    12 Nov 2009 | 7:28 am
    This Saturday, UFC 105 will take place from England. This card is loaded with great fights, and the best part? It’ll be free on Spike. Randy Couture is in the main event. At 46 years old, he’s an inspiration. This guy gets sharper and sharper with every year that passes. I love watching Randy because he’s [...]

  • Cheesesteaks

    Josh Goguen
    10 Nov 2009 | 5:41 am
    If you’re a foodie like me, you want to travel to different places and get their thing. You know what I mean, like Philadelphia for cheesesteaks or New York for pizza. I’ve done some of those things and I’d like to ease your mind if you can’t travel to these places. Mr. Philadelphia Cheesesteak, you’re not [...]

  • Grab a Mop

    Josh Goguen
    2 Nov 2009 | 5:00 am
    One day, two little girls, Sasha and Malia, were painting a picture of their dog to hang on the refrigerator. They started to get a little bit sloppy because they were excited at how well the picture was coming along and accidentally spilled paint on the floor. They tried to clean it up with paper towels, [...]
 
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    ann's rants

  • The House that dwell Built!

    19 Nov 2009 | 6:10 pm
    This is the house that dwell built!This is the urban couple dressed mostly in blackWith a Small-Paul clad toddler, their son named JackThat dreamed of a house that dwell BuiltThis is a sign reading “foreclosed”Hanging from the reclaimed door, raw and exposedThat mortgaged the future of the couple in blackWith a small-Paul clad toddler, their son named JackThat dreamed of a house that dwell Built.These are the invoices piled highBecause of one change from the feng shui guyThat resulted in the sign reading “foreclosed”Hanging from the reclaimed door, raw and exposedThat mortgaged the…

  • WOW. This stuff is cool WOW! Thanks, WOW!

    14 Nov 2009 | 7:18 pm
    Dear Angela and Wow Spring 2009 Contest Staff,I received my prize box today, and want to thank you for your thoughtful generosity. The hoodie and t-shirt look so comfy and cute--I adore that kelly green color and the fun graphics.The book by sponsor Diana Kirschner, PhD (client of guest judge, literary agent Wendy Sherman)"Love in 90 days" looks funny and insightful, as does Annette Fix's memoir "The Break Up Diet." Did you select those titles specifically for me? (Dialing marriage counselor).The gift certificate for grammarbook.com is invaluable, as is the WOW tote bag for library books or a…

  • My Carbon Footprint: Paul Bunyan-sized and filled with Tidy Cat

    8 Nov 2009 | 10:01 pm
    What I should do for my planet: invest in a pick-ax or ice-fishing tools and bury cat feces in my backyard throughout our five months of winter. Or use flushable litter and spend even more time with our toilet and surrounding “back splash.” Better yet, once I get A3 (Almost Three) potty-trained, I should train Dexter (Fat Ass) to toilet. Because the pervasive camp bathroom smell in our house needs a little more oomph.What I do to my planet instead: Entomb hoagie-sized clumps of cat urine in plastic bags to preserve in landfills for all eternity. I believe this practice is actually…

  • "Pledged": A Book Report

    5 Nov 2009 | 7:48 pm
    This fall I read “Pledged: The Secret Life of Sororities” by Alexandra Robbins. Highlights included the weekly house meeting discussion over whether or not one sister should go change her underwear, and a graphic description of the rush wardrobe approval process (NO FLIP FLOPS). I learned some valuable lessons:1. Everyone who you tell you are reading “Pledged: The Secret Life of Sororities” will say their sorority wasn’t like that.2. “Everyone” refers to one person on Twitter, because mostly you hide “Pledged” in a quilted book cover with handles on it for easy toting.3. The…

  • Interview With Myself #3: 16-year-old Retail Clerk

    1 Nov 2009 | 10:01 pm
    Dee: So, why do you want to work at RazzMaTazz?Me: I think long fingernails look awesome when performing phone answering and cash register duties. I can’t decide if that one guy across the hall is cute or a total nerd. I’m hoping you’ll ask me to model for the ads in the local paper. I’m sure you will, and that it’s only a matter of time. Why don’t you ever ask me? I’m just as pretty as Donna. Don’t you think I’m pretty? On a scale of 1-10 how pretty am I? I’m so ugly.Dee: Do you shop at RazzMaTazz?Me: Ummm…one size fits all fabric painted plastic t-shirt clipped…
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    Praying to Darwin

  • Lucky

    Ginny
    16 Nov 2009 | 11:44 pm
    I avoid pregnant women.   It’s not a superstition.  I’m not afraid the condition is “catchy”.   I do it because I don’t want to ruin it for them.  I don’t trust myself not to go into visceral detail, listing off the maladies I suffered during those 10 months (9 months of pregnancy is the single greatest fallacy foisted on humankind.)  I don’t always believe I can hold my face in a way that conveys happiness, when I’m around a pregnant woman, because for me, pregnancy was the opposite of happy.  It’s not that I run screaming…

  • These Are the People in Your (Internet-Based) Neighborhood

    Ginny
    12 Nov 2009 | 2:21 pm
    “I’m meeting people nice people too I’m meeting people nice people like you We’re meeting people nice people too We’re meeting people nice people like you” -Violent Femmes, “Look Like That”       If you are a regular reader of blogs, do you find that you have a stable of go-to sites, and you rarely deviate from them? Because that’s what I do. Every now and again, I like to break out, find new people. Neil at Citizen of the Month came along with his Great Interview Experiment to shake things up.  He’s matching people,…

  • “To you from failing hands we throw the torch”

    Ginny
    11 Nov 2009 | 12:04 am
    There was an assembly at my kid’s school, yesterday morning.  To mark Remembrance Day, the students laid wreaths, real-live soldiers spoke to them, two minutes of silence were observed.   Remembrance Day has always kicked me in the gut.  Anything to do with the military, really.  Watching families send their dads, moms, husbands, wives, sons, daughters off to foreign lands, knowing, accepting that they may not come back.   Young people with stern haircuts, steeled jaws getting onto transport planes, staring off into the distance at things I can’t see.  Flag draped…

  • What to Buy the Anal-Retentive Paranoid SAHM on Your List, This Holiday Season

    Ginny
    9 Nov 2009 | 10:57 pm
    My husband has a history of buying me some pretty damn perfect presents.   He is by no means perfect, or the perfect husband.  But he does seem to have a nearly supernatural ability to hone in on a less than obvious nook of my personality, and buy the gift that fills that cranny, so to speak.   For example, he knows I can be a little…specific about food.   In that it can’t touch.  Ever.   He can go to a Chinese buffet, and just start stacking.  The thought of rice touching my ginger beef makes me gag.  Even within a food, I can get picky.  The mustard…

  • Terms That Are Instantly Negated When Applied to Oneself: A List

    Ginny
    3 Nov 2009 | 10:25 am
    Honest         Classy         “One Hot Mama”         Waif         Hip       MILF       Others?
 
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    ImageLuv Funny Blog

  • Japanese Sniper Attack Prank

    admin
    22 Nov 2009 | 1:10 am
    This sniper attack is a tad too real for comfort. No wonder the Japanese are scared shitless.

  • Guys Love To Stare At Sexy Babes

    admin
    21 Nov 2009 | 3:46 pm
    Yet another compilation of pictures showing guys with staring problem. You can’t blame the guys and in fact, some girls actually love the staring, which is a form of appreciation. Can you imagine them dolling up and dressing in revealing outfits, only to be given the cold shoulder and not even a second look by the guys? However, I do have a problem with the little boy staring intently at the butt of a sexy babe. It is a bit too early…

  • Sleepy Kids Can Sleep Anywhere

    admin
    20 Nov 2009 | 3:46 pm
    These sleepy kids can sleep anywhere, even in awkward positions. However, I am not sure the parents will be glad to know their kid has taken to sleeping in the toilet, rather than on the bed.

  • Kinky Halloween Costumes

    admin
    19 Nov 2009 | 2:24 am
    Kids love Halloween, not only because of the candies but also the license to go around playing pranks on strangers. Remember it is either trick or treat. As for the adults, they have a good time too, thanks to kinky Halloween costumes.

  • Bizarre: Chain Up Toilet Seat

    admin
    18 Nov 2009 | 5:30 am
    Girls always insist on putting the toilet seat down, else they end up sitting on a sticky toilet bowl. But the guys never learn and neglect to put it down after use. It is actually basic manners to treat toilet seats properly but if the men in your house refuse to be trained, here is a bizarre solution: chain up the toilet seat!
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    Tim The Thief

  • Song: Ken Lee – Bulgarian Idol

    Valentina Hasan (Валентина Хасан) sings for the Bulgarian Idol judges, "Ken Lee." It's been said that Valentina sings with her heart. ;)   - Tim   Lyrics: No one ken to ken to sivmen, nor yon clees toju maliveh. When i gez aju zavateh na nalechoo more, new yonooz tonigh molinigh, Yon sorra shooo, yes ee shooo, ooo. -Ken leee tulibu dibu ...

  • Commercial: Don’t Mess With My Newspaper

    This funny newspaper commercial is about newspapers and romance. Which is more important?   - Tim  

  • Song: Its All Because The Gays Are Getting Married

    This funny little song blames all of the problems of the world on the gays. Got dumped? Fired? Now you know why...   - Tim  

  • Political Sing-Along: Bye George

    [WARNING: Minor Language] MC Howie and Julie K of Venga Productions created this political sing-along about George Bush to the tune of "I'm Yours - Jason Mraz."   - Tim   Lyrics: We've just had eight long years of an inept administration, Cheney shot his friend and George was mostly on vacation Mission Accomplished in Iraq was ...

  • Political Sing-Along: Her Stupidity Flows – Sarah Palin

    MC Howie and Julie K of Venga Productions created this political sing-along about Sarah Palin to the tune of "Colbie Caillat - Bubbly."   - Tim   Lyrics: This right wing witch is so unqualified I feel like reason has just up and died Howd he pick her as his running mate How can this moron be a ...
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    @TremendousNews!

  • The 10 People You Meet While Traveling.

    Tremendous
    20 Nov 2009 | 7:59 am
    Oh OK. Because that shit never happens. I’m traveling.  And I’ve already learned a valuable lesson. Traveling sucks ass. After traveling a lot in my former “employed” life, I’ll share with you a few people everyone meets while traveling. 1. The Guy With The Disgusting Socks. It’s not very often that you’re asked to remove your shoes in a public place, so it’s always exciting to judge the people you travel with based entirely on their socks. Like this dude I saw with these gross-ass holes in his socks. Foot-fat bursting through fabric, unable to remain contained. A…

  • My Big Fat Greek Interview With Nia Vardalos.

    Tremendous
    16 Nov 2009 | 7:56 am
    Nia Vardalos with John Stamos who poses absolutely no threat to me. What does he have that I don't have? Besides looks, success, and not-moobs. Let’s pilot back to a time when there wasn’t a Tremendous News. News just wasn’t tremendous. I was sitting on the ugly orange couch in my parents basement wearing my wife-beater.  It had mustard stains and cigarette burn holes. I don’t even smoke. And I’m sitting there, watching Golden Girls reruns, eating fruit roll ups and reflecting on life. Nothing. I had nothing to show for it. I won a trophy playing soccer when…

  • The Remastered Avatars Of TwitJesus: @Jack, @Biz, and @Ev

    Tremendous
    13 Nov 2009 | 9:18 am
    If you're reading this and you're one of these people, I'm sorry in advance. We all know TwitJesus. The creators of our nerdy Twitter universe. Jack, Biz, Ev. Or as I like to call them, Bevackiz. Since I’m hilariously unemployed and have a lot of time on my hands, I took their avatars and remastered them all by hand. Much like Albrecht Dürer, the German renaissance painter, I deliver to my subject subtle poise and nobility.  I draw with my mind’s eye, each stroke a gentle gift of passion for my craft. I hope you enjoy these works. A collection I like to call Jack,…

  • The 7 Reasons Why You Retweet.

    Tremendous
    10 Nov 2009 | 8:43 am
    God help us all. In the devastatingly nerdy world of Twitter, retweets matter. You can parade around town with your top hat and cane and pretend they don’t. It’s about connections, Tremendous News. About happiness. For pete’s sake!  I’m just sorta kinda seeing where Twitter takes me today. Wrong. Hilariously wrong. Retweetyness. That’s what it’s about. Which is why at the end of every article you read here, I have a big RT counter. I lay that shit out there. If I drop a huge article turd and nobody likes it, I know instantly. If I perform well, then…

  • 5 Ways To Return Anything To Any Store.

    Tremendous
    9 Nov 2009 | 9:15 am
    So what if she has nothing to do with the article. Stop raining on my super-hot parade. This weekend, a friend of mine told me a harrowing story. It was about her, some chick-clothes, and this store, Lulemom. Luleman? Something with a lemon. She went there to return merchandise that fell apart in the washer and the lady at the store told her to go screw herself. Politely. I’ve had some experience in returning items to stores.  Mostly because I carry with me a strong undercurrent of potent doucheyness. I want them to say no. Then, at that point, the battle begins. I become a fat William…
 
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    my life is crap!

  • Good old goody two-shoes

    MLIC
    16 Nov 2009 | 1:55 pm
    Today I realize I have been too good all my life. I am scared of upsetting people. Since I was little girl I have been this scaree, and do everything tom make everyone else happy – even if it makes me miserable. Now I am too old (37) to change. Life is boring…MLIC Related posts:My hopeless existenceI hate morningsToday I paid to go to work

  • Study much?

    MLIC
    16 Nov 2009 | 1:51 pm
    Today I will post my feelings about two lovely ladies named Elizabeth, no not the queen – for Elizabeth is much more elegant, presentable, and regal, and Fiona, no not Shrek’s wife for she is much too gorgeous and excellent for an ogre, who are the lights of my dark and weary life. They are the grapes to my vines. They are the apples in my pie. They are the straw in my drink. They are the gator in Gatorade. They are the foot in football for without foot it would just be BALL and nobody likes plain balls. They are the quintessential, epitome of kindness and lady-like…

  • Well, it is true

    MLIC
    16 Nov 2009 | 1:49 pm
    Today, I told my best friend I nearly killed myself, to which she replied, “Muppets would look weird in drag.”…MLIC Related posts:True feelingsShe’s a true romanticWas it really so wrong?

  • Alway sucking on the hind teat

    MLIC
    16 Nov 2009 | 1:48 pm
    Today, besides being an incurable drunk, I have a crazy crush on my sister’s girlfriend who is a complete slut when she drinks. We’ve only hooked up when we are both drunk – but she still hooks up with other guys. I take my leftovers and dream of making her mine…MLIC Related posts:Jake the snakeLittle too loudWerewolf?

  • YLIC and MLIC

    MLIC
    16 Nov 2009 | 1:45 pm
    Today I’m sitting in Civics class and of course it’s boring as crap so I’m on MLIC and I think it’s pretty crappy how people feel sorry for themselves like this. GET OVER IT. Life’s good. now matter how crappy you think it is. I think it’s kinda crappy how people let stupid little things bother them and they don’t believe in God because of it when there are starving people in poverty and 3rd world countries that are getting killed for no reason but hatred, and those people still turn to God. So come on people. Turn to God. Stop complaining…MLIC…
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    MyLifeIsAverage | MyLifeIsAverage

  • #1461571

    22 Nov 2009 | 4:02 am
    My friend gave her sister three goldfish and a snail for her brithday. Her sister named the three fish Harry, Ron, and Hermione, and the snail Snape. Within a few weeks, Harry, Ron, and Hermione were all dead, while Snape is still alive. I can't help but feel a little suspicious. MLIA

  • #1461405

    22 Nov 2009 | 3:06 am
    Today, I was taking a test on the play Julius Caesar. It was multiple choice and one of the questions was what was Caesar's last words. One of the possible answers was "Holy sh*t! Why are you stabbing me?!" I think my English teacher is more awesome than I thought. MLIA

  • #1461354

    22 Nov 2009 | 2:58 am
    Today, I was finally going to paint my room. When I stripped off all the ugly old flowered wallpaper, I found in the corner a small paint of Waldo, complete with a house and kids. So, this is where you've been all these years, mysterious Waldo, this is where you've been. MLIA.

  • #1461352

    22 Nov 2009 | 2:49 am
    Today, at the beginning of class, our professor jumps in, with a bandana and a nerf gun, telling us to give him our homework. When we pointed out that the gun wasn't loaded, he hung his head, and sat down at his desk muttering "i was hoping I could post that on MLIA.." Here you go, sir. MLIA

  • #1461332

    22 Nov 2009 | 2:46 am
    Today I have recieved over 30 calls from random different people I don't know who shout "IT'S A MONKEY!" and then hang up. I have no idea how they got my number or why I'm enjoying it so much. MLIA
 
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    Safety Graphic Fun

  • Torso Safety

    Julia
    22 Nov 2009 | 3:51 am
    Disco Dancing without a torso is prohibited.Gracie Kevin K!

  • Chicago El Safety

    Julia
    21 Nov 2009 | 2:00 pm
    Safety Man is having a lot of fun on the Chicago El!Thanks Alice J and Ghost!

  • Ninja Safety

    Julia
    21 Nov 2009 | 6:00 am
    Lady Ninja thwarted by escalator in Ikea. Oh the humility.Thanks Rick J!

  • Right Safety

    Julia
    20 Nov 2009 | 2:00 pm
    No, your other right. Thanks Allyson M!

  • Laser Eye Safety

    Julia
    20 Nov 2009 | 6:00 am
    Use math and physics to calculate safety angles, then beam drowning person with lasers. Thanks Tim C!
 
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    Mediabane

  • I’ve Replaced This Post With Fruit By The Foot

    Bryan Sharp
    18 Nov 2009 | 12:08 pm
    That title is misleading. I didn’t actually replace this post with Fruit by the Foot. I can’t just go wasting Fruit by the Foot on random Mediabane posts. What would I eat for Thanksgiving dinner? This Fruit by the Foot commercial makes me want to replace a bunch of stuff in my life with Fruit by the Foot. Instead of throwing away the stuff I don’t need, I could just turn it into Fruit by the Foot and work on gaining the weight needed to make my bony ass not hurt when I sit on flat surfaces. That was obviously the kid on the left’s first Fruit by the Foot duel. Most…

  • Lady Uses Netflix Trash As Wallpaper

    Bryan Sharp
    17 Nov 2009 | 1:55 pm
    Every time a Netflix movie arrives, a piece of paper needs to get removed from the top of the envelope to get at the movie. When I lived in a house with wood stove, I used this scrap paper to start the stove. This probably released a bunch of chemicals into the air from Netflix’s red dye meeting flame, but I didn’t mind because I always wanted to sprout a dedicated masturbation tentacle. One woman came up with her own solution for these scrap Netflix sheets. And I truly believe that it takes a special person to turn hideous Netflix garbage into wallpaper for a room that…

  • Do These Anti-Pedophilia Ads Go Too Far?

    Bryan Sharp
    12 Nov 2009 | 10:17 am
    Pedophilia isn’t a very popular topic. If you try bringing it up while standing in line at the bank or at the next baby shower you attend, you’ll see what I mean. I always thought it was a pretty major concern and high on the radar of most adults. But apparently some people still haven’t been educated enough about pedophilia, so the rest of us have to deal with anti-pedophilia advertising. "That's right, Peter. Now pop it in reverse." I like how the ad starts off with a kid on the carpet pushing a little truck and ends with him giving a blow job. Talk about a…

  • Skeleton Baby Tattoo Helps Advertise Creepiness

    Bryan Sharp
    9 Nov 2009 | 11:54 am
    The dating scene is hard. We can’t all be “funny” or “interesting” or “holding down a steady job.” And even if you somehow manage to convince someone that the blood on your jacket is from when you cut your hand opening cans of food for the homeless, how can you be sure that that person shares your interests? People have tried inventing solutions to this problem for years. This is why people hang out in groups. If you’re in the emo group and you meet a girl who’s also in the emo group, there’s a good chance both of you can connect…

  • Adam Lambert Is Here For Your Entertainment

    Bryan Sharp
    3 Nov 2009 | 11:04 am
    I don’t watch American Idol because I’m too busy watching the Internet for the latest advertising news and killer deals on CDRs. Does Ryan Seacrest still host the show? When’s the devil gonna burst through the earth’s crust and square up with that dude? Even though I don’t watch American Idol, it managed to make it’s way to the Internet like every other show populated by contestants who are more talented than 99 percent of the global population. If MacGyver was still on the air, it’d be an Internet phenomenon. That guy could diffuse a bomb with a…
 
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    Life, Love and Pants

  • Why I will NOT have a career as a Dog Groomer…

    Beth Warren
    19 Nov 2009 | 2:25 pm
    It all started with the following text conversation with my son: Josh: “Mocha has a big chunk of hair out of her back its like a bald spot”. Me:  “ewww weird.. I’ll look at it when I get home” Josh: “no, it’s Katy’s fault, she cut the knot out” Me: “oh ok” This is "after"... still scruffy, but clean. then Katy jumped in Katy: “I ruined your dog LOL” Here’s the thing with my dog.. she has not been properly groomed in ages. I can’t even remember the last time.. (spring???)   See, the problem…

  • Poetic Licence

    Beth Warren
    13 Nov 2009 | 7:37 am
    I have a weird obsession with personalized licence plates. My plate is ONE LETTER OFF from being my name (BETN 831)… I asked car dood why he didn’t stand in line longer and hold out for one that spelt BETH .. but whatever.. On his way to meet up with Bubba's 1 through 17 methinks.. Interestingly, I’ve never had a personalized plate.. it’s just never occurred to me, to tell the truth.. plus, now that BETH has been used in regular rotation, that’s out.. and I’m sure EVILGENIUS is taken.. or various variations thereof… In all seriousness.. I take…

  • 40 Minutes I’ll Never Get Back (or why Zamfir should burn in hell…)

    Beth Warren
    7 Nov 2009 | 8:30 am
    I had to call tech support today.. My website (www.evilgeniusmarketing.ca) would not let me upload pics. And I really really wanted that Wizard of Oz pic on there.. My webhosting service is in Vancouver.  Why you ask? Because I am a moron apparently.  A friend suggested them and I went ahead and signed up without realizing they were across the country.  Which means, if I have issues at 9am, it’s 6am there and I have to wait till noon to call the stupid ass toll free line. I'm sure he's a lovely man, but I still want to snap his flute in half... So yesterday I posted.. and the…

  • Have You Ever Ever Lost An Elephant?

    Beth Warren
    4 Nov 2009 | 8:08 am
    I’m going out to buy a record player today. Yes, I am cutting edge. I’ve kept only one toy from my childhood.. a brown stuffed dog named Jingles.  The pup was a gift on my fifth birthday from my Grandmother… and was my cherished companion every night when I slept.  Many nights I cuddled Jingles.. whispering secrets.. sometimes a few tears… Jingles disappeared at one point around the time I was about 30.  I figured it would turn up eventually.. somewhere in the house.  Around the same time, one of my daughter’s first toys.. a small black lamb named…

  • The Luckiest Girl in the World

    Beth Warren
    1 Nov 2009 | 9:21 am
    Today was a strange anniversary of sorts… the 15th Anniversary of the day I was cut out of a car.  I reflect and celebrate this day every year. In October 1994 I found out I was pregnant with our second child.. I told my husband on our anniversary.. October 6th.  That weekend we went to my parents for dinner… told them I was pregnant again .. and we went to the movies (went to see True Lies…)  And… my car was stolen from the parking lot of the Centre Mall in Hamilton, Ontario (yeah yeah, cracks about the Hammer.. I’ve heard ‘em all…).
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    The Bean

  • Lollipop in My Hair

    Bejewell
    19 Nov 2009 | 4:20 pm
    There’s a lollipop in my hair There’s a lollipop in my hair It’s strange how much I do not care About the lollipop in my hair. The Bean was so happy at first, with his treat But his body was moving too fast for his feet And all of a sudden! FALL DOWN GO BOOM! For a blip, a dropped pin could be heard in that room But then! The screams started! And tears shed! Oh, my! The hugs! And the kisses! The big ugly cry! His arms wrapped around me and would not let go And I would not want them to, NO NO NO NO. But my neck wasn’t all that was clutched by the Bean He also held Lolly with a grip…

  • Our Anniversary, By the Numbers: A Follow-Up

    Bejewell
    18 Nov 2009 | 7:08 am
    12 Times the Big Bean laughed out loud when he read my last post  2 Times he farted loudly 2 Facts he disputed 0 Facts I will retract 1 Time he accused me of “over-reacting,” bringing the total to 1,232  0 Times he will say that again, if he knows what’s good for him 100 Percent sure I am that he doesn’t know what’s good for him 1 Time he read that 14 women have called him sexy and asked, “Only 14?” 42 Times he’s looked at himself in the mirror, sucking in his gut, since he read that 1 Beautiful silver necklace he gave me, with the first initial of our son 16 Tears I shed…

  • Our Anniversary, By the Numbers

    Bejewell
    16 Nov 2009 | 6:24 am
    13 Years the Big Bean and I have been married, as of today  5 Years we were together before we got married, more or less 19 My age when we first met 161 My age now (in dog years) 127 Guests at our wedding, if you count the guy in the tuxedo t-shirt, the old person in the wheelchair whose gender could not be discerned, and the very sparkly Philippine hooker our neighbor brought as his date  9 Gallons of champagne I consumed that night 7 Times I slid off my barstool and had to be picked up off the floor at the piano bar after the reception 1 Plastic shark toy given to us by a drunk dude on…

  • Grandpa

    Bejewell
    10 Nov 2009 | 9:01 pm
    My grandfather is a quiet man.  He’s not in-your-face, he’s not gregarious.  He doesn’t go out of his way to make his presence known in a room; he lets others be noticed while he stands back and watches, hands in pockets or arms folded.  He’s thoughtful, wise, generous.  I’ve never known anyone else so pure of heart, and I know I never will.  He and my grandmother have been married more than 71 years and to me, their love story is epic.  Not for intense drama, or ups and downs — but for its consistency, its sweetness, the sheer devotion they so clearly…

  • This Post is Only for People Who Love The Jerk (Alternate Title: Twitter Can Bite Me)

    Bejewell
    4 Nov 2009 | 3:37 pm
    So I’ve been agonizing over what to write for my next post, and by “agonizing” I mean not really thinking about it at all but every now and then having some random moment of clarity when I remember I have a blog and think, “Yeah, I should probably do something about that,” and then I stare up at the sky for about 20 seconds wondering what I should write but come up with bupkiss and then I think to myself, “What IS that word, anyway?  Am I even saying that right?  Is it ‘bump-kiss’? ‘Butt-kiss’?  If it’s butt-kiss, that’s stupid.  It’s stupid anyway.  What a…
 
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    Unique Scoop

  • How Images of Planets Have Changed in Past 30 Years

    Scoop
    22 Nov 2009 | 2:48 am
    1 Mercury THEN Mariner 10's three flybys of Mercury in 1974 and 1975 produced much of what we know about the smallest rocky planet in the system. The densely packed, lightweight spacecraft contained a variety of instruments, including TV cameras that took shots of more than half of Mercury's surface and sent back thousands of images. Mariner 10 was the first spacecraft to visit Mercury as well as the first spacecraft to send back 100-meter-resolution images from another planet. But Mariner 10 was plagued with problems: As the ship approached Mercury, one of its antennas started going through…

  • Open Letters to Annoying People

    Scoop
    22 Nov 2009 | 2:44 am
    Letters are a good way to communicate with people that you, for one reason or another, can't have a face-to-face interaction with. This can be particularly effective when you're dealing with someone who is incredibly annoying. Here are some letters that we'd like to send to some particularly frustrating people:

  • Funny Flowcharts

    Scoop
    22 Nov 2009 | 2:21 am
    Xbox Live Friend Request Acceptance Flowchart What Should I Eat What kind of smaller, cheaper laptop do you own The Ultimate Procrastination The Ultimate Health Care Flowchart The Sci-Fi geek hierarchy The Lifecycle of Memes The Cycle of Chest Hair The Cast Of FlashForward Do We Know These Guys Should you use Comic Sans Should I Buy Her A Drink Science vs. Faith Oh snap! Did someone get told flowchart IS NASCAR FOR YOU Is it f*cked up? What to do, if so Interesting 404 Page How Women Shop For Shoes How To Tell Which 'Star Wars' You're Watching How to tell if a web page sucks How to Know When…

  • Mind Blowing Hyperrealistic Sculptures

    Scoop
    20 Nov 2009 | 4:08 am
    Artists that produce photorealistic sculptures, for the most part, aim to show us our bodies and life as it really is.Technically, artists who strive for a high resolution level of detail in painting or sculpture are called “hyperrealists”, although all hyperrealists are also considered to be photorealists.Every detail is slavishly recreated as close to the real life model as possible, even if the sculpture is larger than the original scale.Photorealistic sculptors create truly amazing sculptures that will make you feel wonder, revulsion and the sense of looking in someone else’s…

  • The Top 10 Most Aggravating Types of Drivers

    Scoop
    20 Nov 2009 | 3:47 am
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    Daniel Dickey Dot Com

  • A Thanksgiving Conversation With My Mother

    admin
    20 Nov 2009 | 2:03 pm
    After seeing the popularity of my post, “A conversation with my mother”, I decided to post another one. This took place last night. Me: Yo mom. Mom: Yo son. Me: I need some help with Thanksgiving. Mom: You need me to send you some turkey recipes? Me: Na. I need to try and figure out how to convince ‘the girls’ to eat Thanksgiving dinner with me naked. Mom: Danny, are you still employed? How do you have the time to sit around and think of this stuff? Me: I’m serious mom. I need something to be thankful for, and what better than naked girls and gravy. Mom: How…

  • A Very Short Story

    admin
    18 Nov 2009 | 10:05 pm
    Serious as stone, I looked across the low lit living room, squinted my eyes and said, “I want to draw you naked and hang it on my fridge.” My father stared back at me, shook his head, and walked out of the house. The End

  • Getting Prepared For The Alien Arrival

    admin
    17 Nov 2009 | 6:36 pm
    This is my room. As you can see I haven’t bothered to clean it a couple weeks. Why not? I’ve been way too busy getting ready for the aliens to come back to earth. Aliens coming to earth? Yep, you heard me right. The aliens are coming back any day now. How do I know this? Because there’s this girl at my work who looks exactly like an alien. So much in fact, that the other day I went up to her and asked… Me: Hey, when are the aliens coming back for you? Alien girl: Excuse me? Me: Listen, I know you’re a alien, so cut the shit. When are the aliens coming back for…

  • A Conversation With My Mother

    admin
    15 Nov 2009 | 9:58 am
    Due to both of our quick wit and lack of editing inappropriate comments, I often have interesting conversations with my mother. This was our conversation this morning. (This is a picture of my mother and I at my Bar Mitzvah…three days before my 19th birthday…I skipped a lot of Hebrew school). Mom: What are you doing? Me: Just got out of the gym. Mom: How’s the weather? Me: Cold and rainy. Mom: It’s 70 degrees here. You ready to move back home? Me: Mom, New York is my home. Mom: Danny just come home, I’ll cook for you. Me: Mom I got bitches cooking for me. Mom: Jt…

  • I Went To The Zoo

    admin
    12 Nov 2009 | 3:14 pm
    After having a conversation with a friend about how New Yorkers never do or see all the things tourist come to New York to see, I have since decided to start seeing stuff. Once a week I’m going to try to do or see one of New York’s many facets, and this week I started with the zoo. I picked the zoo as my first place to visit because last time I went to the Metro Dade Zoo in Florida, I was kicked out and banned for life because I jumped a fence and was taking naked picture while sitting on top of a giant tortoise. Though I found the whole thing hilarious, they(zoo people) did not.
 
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    BBC NEWS | Magazine Monitor

  • 10 things we didn't know last week

    Magazine Monitor
    20 Nov 2009 | 7:24 am
    Snippets from the week's news, sliced, diced and processed for your convenience. 1. Three of the world's supercomputers are in the US. More details 2. Humans are more likely to be killed by a hippo than a lion. More details (Times) 3. Teeth grinding is known as bruxism. More details 4. Spin doctors were used in the Iron Age. More details 5. School phobia is a condition recognised by doctors since the 1960s. More details 6. Whisky should be stored upright, unlike wine. More details 7. "Wrap rage" is a term coined to describe the anger felt by people trying to get into bonded plastic…

  • Caption Competition

    Magazine Monitor
    20 Nov 2009 | 5:22 am
    Winning entries in the Caption Competition. The competition is now closed. Full rules can be seen here [PDF]. Here, Yeomen of the Guard conduct a ceremonial search for explosives at the House of Lords before the State Opening of Parliament. But what's being said? Thanks to all who entered. The prize of a small amount of kudos to the following: 6. GMcGlinn Louie Walsh pulls out all the stops for Jedwards next X-factor performance. 5. SkarloeyLine Pan's People unveil their routine to All Along The Watchtower. 4. MorningGlories You wait all your life for a marriage proposal, then... 3.

  • Paper Monitor

    Magazine Monitor
    20 Nov 2009 | 3:32 am
    A service highlighting the riches of the daily press. The Daily Mail and the Guardian don't often find common cause. But they do today with their matching front page headlines on the EU's choice for its president: "The great EU stitch-up". Even the sub-headlines are similar, although one is rather more, er, strident than the other. Can you guess which? "A Labour crony no-one's heard of is made EU foreign minister - so a fanatical Belgian federalist who wants Brussels to tax us can become President. The good news? At least it's not Blair" And: Little-known Briton gets Foreign jobBelgian PM…

  • Weekly Bonus Question

    Magazine Monitor
    20 Nov 2009 | 1:25 am
    Welcome to the Weekly Bonus Question. Each week the news quiz 7 days 7 questions will offer an answer. You are invited to suggest what the question might have been. Suggestions should be sent using the COMMENTS BOX IN THIS ENTRY. And since nobody likes a smart alec, kudos will be deducted for predictability in your suggestions. This week's answer is A CHEESE GRATER AND A £5 LAMPSHADE. But what's the question? UPDATE 1805 GMT: The correct question is, the ownership of which articles is at stake in a disagreement between a solicitor and het ex? Of your woefully yet deliberately incorrect…

  • Friday's Quote of the Day

    Magazine Monitor
    20 Nov 2009 | 12:10 am
    "it's not just that I dislike the taste of sprouts or broccoli, but the actual sight of them fills me with dread and I could never touch them" - Woman diagnosed with a fear of vegetables, known as lachanophobia. Student Vicki Larrieux's diet consists of meat, potatoes, cereals and an occasional apple. But she refuses to eat any vegetables as the mere sight of a sprout gives her a panic attack. "Even as a child I used to properly freak out if some carrots or a few peas were on my plate. But as it continued into adult life I started to think it might not just be a dislike for vegetables but an…
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    Twitter Fools

  • Twitter Asks What’s Happening

    admin
    21 Nov 2009 | 6:44 am
    There was a seismic ripple across the twitterverse earlier this week. Did you feel it? Quietly, almost imperceptibly, Twitter changed the question that has urged its millions of users to tweet. No longer are we expected to respond to "What are you doing?" No, now the ubiquitous Tweet preamble is 'What's Happening?" .:: For the rest of the article content, click through to TwitterFools.com ::.

  • Twitter Marketing Requires Trust

    TwitterFools Editorial Staff
    18 Nov 2009 | 3:40 pm
    Twitter has been around since 2006, and you can’t really talk about Twitter’s meteoric rise without at least mentioning the legions of affiliate marketers who try to use Twitter to sell something. It’s hard to gauge how many affiliate marketers are using Twitter, but there are clearly a lot of them, and it’s also [...] .:: For the rest of the article content, click through to TwitterFools.com ::.

  • Twitter Lottery is Now Peep Lotto!

    admin
    16 Nov 2009 | 3:46 pm
    We were recently surprised to learn that the Twitter Lottery has become the Peep Lotto. Of course, this news might have some people wondering if this is a bait and switch, but we are here to put your minds at rest. If you entered the Twitter Lottery previously you are still good to go - there is nothing to worry about. If you haven't entered, we'll review simple entry procedures one more time. .:: For the rest of the article content, click through to TwitterFools.com ::.

  • How Do You Value Twitter?

    TwitterFools Editorial Staff
    13 Nov 2009 | 2:22 pm
    About once a month now we see a news item placing a dollar value on Twitter. In a recent post on the subject Robert Scoble suggested Twitter is worth $5 - $10 billion. Then in October Mashable reported the value at closer to $1 billion. Still more recently, the folks at Gigaom cited sources that instead values Twitter at about $526-$674 million. Any which way you go that's alot of moolah and we aren't the kind of TwitterFools who are qualified to comment on the valuation of a business. We are,... .:: For the rest of the article content, click through to TwitterFools.com ::.

  • Utah Tweets

    TwitterFools Editorial Staff
    11 Nov 2009 | 2:04 pm
    On the outside, UtahTweets may seem like a simple idea, but to us it is another expression in the changing way that people consume news and information. .:: For the rest of the article content, click through to TwitterFools.com ::.
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    Call Me Corndog

  • Quarantined.

    hashbrowns
    11 Nov 2009 | 8:47 pm
    So here’s a helpful hint.  NEVER get sick in Japan.  It’s finally getting to be the end of our meeting in Hiroshima, and as I’m looking forward to my first awesome vacation with my super awesome boyfriend, I start to feel the familiar tug at my throat and the shrinking of my sinuses.  And bam, just [...]

  • Skidmarks.

    hashbrowns
    29 Oct 2009 | 1:56 pm
    I absolutely love dogs.  Really and truly, they make life worth living for me.  I hope that if I ever get enough money together I can open a retirement home for old dogs who are going to put down simply because they are of a fine vintage, and let them live out the rest of [...]

  • Which Way is Up?

    hashbrowns
    26 Oct 2009 | 1:40 pm
    A couple weeks ago I decided to go rowing and was chatting it up with my mom on the way to the aquatic park.  She was talking about how I should get a lifevest in case I ever go overboard, and I spent a good deal of time explaining that the water is four feet deep and [...]

  • Quick, Grab the EpiPen.

    hashbrowns
    9 Oct 2009 | 10:13 am
    The dog has allergies.  I think I may have mentioned this before.  This itchiness on the dog has cost us roughly 700 dollars now.  Maybe he just likes to bite his feet, huh?  Maybe there isn’t some demonic underlying issue that is plaguing him, maybe that’s just his personality.  People live with allergies all the [...]

  • Do Mexicans do this?

    hashbrowns
    9 Oct 2009 | 10:02 am
    On Saturday our friend threw a party aptly titled, “Mexican Blackout Day” in which we consumed copious amounts of Mexican food and alcohol, danced to Mariachi music, and were generally full with perfect merriment.  One of the attendees of said party was a Jesuit priest in training.  For real, we had a bona fide Roman [...]
 
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    Twitter Fools

  • Twitter Asks What’s Happening

    admin
    21 Nov 2009 | 6:44 am
    There was a seismic ripple across the twitterverse earlier this week. Did you feel it? Quietly, almost imperceptibly, Twitter changed the question that has urged its millions of users to tweet. No longer are we expected to respond to "What are you doing?" No, now the ubiquitous Tweet preamble is 'What's Happening?" .:: For the rest of the article content, click through to TwitterFools.com ::.

  • Twitter Marketing Requires Trust

    TwitterFools Editorial Staff
    18 Nov 2009 | 3:40 pm
    Twitter has been around since 2006, and you can’t really talk about Twitter’s meteoric rise without at least mentioning the legions of affiliate marketers who try to use Twitter to sell something. It’s hard to gauge how many affiliate marketers are using Twitter, but there are clearly a lot of them, and it’s also [...] .:: For the rest of the article content, click through to TwitterFools.com ::.

  • Twitter Lottery is Now Peep Lotto!

    admin
    16 Nov 2009 | 3:46 pm
    We were recently surprised to learn that the Twitter Lottery has become the Peep Lotto. Of course, this news might have some people wondering if this is a bait and switch, but we are here to put your minds at rest. If you entered the Twitter Lottery previously you are still good to go - there is nothing to worry about. If you haven't entered, we'll review simple entry procedures one more time. .:: For the rest of the article content, click through to TwitterFools.com ::.

  • How Do You Value Twitter?

    TwitterFools Editorial Staff
    13 Nov 2009 | 2:22 pm
    About once a month now we see a news item placing a dollar value on Twitter. In a recent post on the subject Robert Scoble suggested Twitter is worth $5 - $10 billion. Then in October Mashable reported the value at closer to $1 billion. Still more recently, the folks at Gigaom cited sources that instead values Twitter at about $526-$674 million. Any which way you go that's alot of moolah and we aren't the kind of TwitterFools who are qualified to comment on the valuation of a business. We are,... .:: For the rest of the article content, click through to TwitterFools.com ::.

  • Utah Tweets

    TwitterFools Editorial Staff
    11 Nov 2009 | 2:04 pm
    On the outside, UtahTweets may seem like a simple idea, but to us it is another expression in the changing way that people consume news and information. .:: For the rest of the article content, click through to TwitterFools.com ::.
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    Funny Email Forwards

  • Chain Saw Art Sculptures

    admin
    15 Nov 2009 | 1:10 pm
    Check out this cool art made with a chain saw. Pretty nifty huh? Here’s some work in progress: And the artist hard at work: Looks like he needs a whole parking lot for just one piece! All of this art was made by Randall D Boni, a wildlife sculpture artist living in Tennessee.

  • Amazing Sand Castles Pictures

    admin
    13 Nov 2009 | 1:39 pm
    157 Master Sand Sculptors participated from fifteen countries, including six Canadian Provinces and fifteen US States at the Harrison Hot Springs Resort in British Columbia Canada Hotmail: Trusted email with Microsoft’s powerful SPAM protection. Sign up now.

  • Princess Leia Cosplay Girls

    admin
    12 Nov 2009 | 2:36 pm
    Check out these Princess Leia cosplay girls. If you don’t watch Star Wars, Princess Leia is a outstanding character in the Star Wars universe. She is the twin sister of Luke Skywalker, and thus the daughter of Darth Vader. Her mother is Padme Amidala. Princess Leia rocks!

  • The Real Noah’s Ark

    admin
    11 Nov 2009 | 2:39 pm
    Man builds working replica of Noah’s Ark (exact scale given in Bible) in Schagen , Netherlands The massive central door in the side of Noah’s Ark was opened to the first crowd of curious townsfolk to behold the wonder. Of course, it’s only a replica of the biblical Ark , built by Dutch creationist, Johan Huibers, as a testament to his faith in the [...]

  • Amazing Advertising Art On The Bus

    admin
    10 Nov 2009 | 1:10 pm
    Aren’t these creative? I like this one the best – the eyes are so cool!
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