Humor

The Bloggess
I’m in Japan and too sleep-deprived to come up with a good title. Also, I’m very, very grumpy.

Jenny the bloggess

6 Nov 2009 | 3:32 pm

So I’m still in Japan. Day 847. Or Day 6. Something like that. All the days blend together here because my nights and days are still mixed up and I haven’t slept more than 3 hours at a time and it all feels like I’m trapped in a weird Hunter S. Thompson story except that there are less drugs and more puddings that look like boobies and I spent the day disguised as a Japanese prostitute. Those links both take you to my satirical sex column, by the way, because they’re paying for all the really fucked up parts of this trip. Thanks, Eden Fantasys! Now my…
Sue me. I’m awesome.

Jenny the bloggess

30 Oct 2009 | 10:34 am

So this weekend I leave for Japan. ”Why?” you ask? Because it’s there. And also because I got drunk one night and Victor asked me if I’d go to Japan with him and apparently I said yes. This is what happens when you get drunk around Victor. You wake up in the morning and need a passport. Whenever I mention it to people they’re all “JAPAN! THAT’S AWESOME!” but to be honest I’m a terrible traveler and Japan scares the shit out of me and all I really know about Japan is that Godzilla was born there. Also, I may be mixing Japan up…
UPDATED! An open letter to the King of Germany who might actually only be a Prince. I didn’t really research it. But we’re at war now so you’ll probably hear about it on the news.

Jenny the bloggess

29 Oct 2009 | 10:00 am

Dear Mr. King of Germany: It has been brought to my attention that your daughter is either impersonating me or mocking me in her royal portrait. Exhibit A: I’ve been rockin’ this look for years so I can only assume this is an act of aggression on her part. That’s why this morning I declared war on Germany. I try not to judge people for their parenting skills but I can’t help but think this is kind of your fault for not reigning your daughter in (Get it? “Reigning”? Because you’re a king? I kill me.) but lucky for you, I am a kind and…
Twitter will molest you.

Jenny the bloggess

28 Oct 2009 | 1:10 pm

Conversation between me and twitter, who is kind of an asshole: And that’s the reason why I don’t like twitter. Because it’s judgemental and it never goes away. It’s like your junior high boyfriend when you’re all “You hang up the phone first” and he’s all “No, you hang up” and you’re like “No, you hang up” and he probably thinks he’s being all romantic by not hanging up but you really want him to hang up because you have to pee and you don’t want him to hear you peeing. And that’s basically what twitter is all about. This is like a tutorial for…
In all honesty, you’d probably be better off skipping this post.

Jenny the bloggess

26 Oct 2009 | 3:09 pm

"Other shit I did this week." (Translation, in case you don't read Dracula.) You know how on Sundays I do a week-in-review about all the shit that happened to me that I didn’t write about here but then sometimes I forget to do it and instead I do it at the beginning of the current week and it gives everyone a headache? That just happened again. Honestly, I need an intern to help me with this stuff. I’d be all “Intern, I need to know what animal has claws and is scary but also has a funny name. Something with at least two syllables. And it can’t…

Stuff Rich People Love
#68 – Mounting Animals

Chas Underwood III

28 Oct 2009 | 10:08 pm

Mounting Animals Price: Losing Vegan Friends Rich people love to mount animals. Please dislodge your mind from the gutter, if you gasped know that taxidermy is alive and well. Hunting has always been a favorite pastime of the wealthy and as long as there are automatic weapons, ammunition and animals obliviously wandering their natural habitat, they will [...]
#67 – Honorary Degrees

Chas Underwood III

25 Oct 2009 | 9:53 pm

Honorary Degrees Price: “Donations” Honorary degrees are the academic equivalent of a blowjob after an expensive meal. In exchange for the celebrity and notoriety that a public visit brings to a university campus, the Dean will present framed parchment to the wealthy guest which is certainly more appropriate than dropping to their knees out of gratitude for [...]
#66 – Nannies

Chas Underwood III

18 Oct 2009 | 10:47 pm

Nannies Price: Bribing INS “Hola”, “kamusta” and occasionally “Reespek mon” are important foreign phrases that every rich person knows. While foreign languages used by the rich tend to be more highbrow than the native tongues of Mexico, The Philippines and Jamaica respectively, the wealthy like to communicate with the nanny no matter how long she has been [...]
#65 – Rehab

Chas Underwood III

14 Oct 2009 | 10:08 pm

Rehab Price: Potential Sunburn A few months after grey became the new black, rehab became the new grey. The only thing more fashionable than checking into rehab is friends and family hosting an intervention before checking into rehab. This is the highest compliment that rich people can pay one another as it says they care, they want [...]
#64 – Prescription Drugs

Chas Underwood III

12 Oct 2009 | 10:08 pm

Prescription Drugs Price: A Trip to Rehab The lives of rich people can be very difficult. Suppose the maid needs a day off or the nanny wants to take the long weekend to see family and friends, what then? The trials and tribulations that disrupt wealthy lives is a long and distinguished list; choosing spas, hiring pool [...]

Craftastrophe
Countdown to Thanksgiving: Stuff Me Onesie

Karen Sugarpants

7 Nov 2009 | 4:00 am

Maybe it’s because I’ve been in a lot of airports this year, but this is just wrong. Because all I can think of is cocaine. So, so wrong. Thanks Suebob! {source} Subscribe to the comments for this post?Stumble upon something good? Share it on StumbleUponTweet This!Share this on RedditShare this on FacebookShare this on LinkedinAdd this to Google BookmarksShare this on FriendFeedShare this on del.icio.usBuzz up!Submit this to Script & StyleShare this on BlinklistDigg this!Share this on TechnoratiShare this on MixxShare this on TipdPost this to MySpaceSubmit this to…
Ever have those annoying seat partners that never shut up? Like, NEVER?!

sam {temptingmama}

6 Nov 2009 | 4:00 pm

I’d use it to keep my head propped upright; or stick it on the talker next to me and blow it up to the point where they could no longer breathe talk. Either way: $170.00 Blow up neck warmer / brace FTW! Thanks Cari for showing us this store! {source} Subscribe to the comments for this post?Stumble upon something good? Share it on StumbleUponTweet This!Share this on RedditShare this on FacebookShare this on LinkedinAdd this to Google BookmarksShare this on FriendFeedShare this on del.icio.usBuzz up!Submit this to Script & StyleShare this on BlinklistDigg this!Share this on…
Blog-o-versary: A look back, Craftastrophe style

sam {temptingmama}

6 Nov 2009 | 8:00 am

Can you believe it’s been a year since we started sharing the wealth of awesomeness that is bad crafts? An entire year! Who knew that when we began this site on that early November morning with a vagina wallet we’d be sharing the best of the worst. But seriously?! They’re not always the worst. In fact, I’ve developed a penchant for a wide variety of Teh Kitsch, some of which we’ve featured here and over the past year I have had to fight the urge to buy these items quite a few times. Not because I don’t need them or want them but because I fear that the shop…
Countdown to Thanksgiving: Turkey Earrings

Karen Sugarpants

6 Nov 2009 | 4:00 am

Gives new meaning to gobbling on your girlfriend’s earlobes. Pleh. Still, nothing says I love you like dead tree rat. Nothing. Thanks Suebob! {source} Subscribe to the comments for this post?Stumble upon something good? Share it on StumbleUponTweet This!Share this on RedditShare this on FacebookShare this on LinkedinAdd this to Google BookmarksShare this on FriendFeedShare this on del.icio.usBuzz up!Submit this to Script & StyleShare this on BlinklistDigg this!Share this on TechnoratiShare this on MixxShare this on TipdPost this to MySpaceSubmit this to NetvibesSeed this on…
Look What You Can Do With Your Recycle Bin!

Karen Sugarpants

5 Nov 2009 | 5:09 pm

Are you f*cking kidding me? What is this crap? I’m all for recycling, but once it’s in the bin, that sh*it is for the mice to chew on. Besides, don’t notebooks already come with cardboard covers? From the listing: Perfect for recording life’s events and/or as a sketch book. Life’s events? If my life included making notebooks from Eggo boxes (not that I eat Eggo’s, that kife will kill you), I would not spend the time writing it down! Wait. You drink Coors Light? That’s explains eeeeverything. Because you must be drunk on douchebeer to think you…

Stuff Indians Like
#$120 per month: Spoiled Trust-Fund Slumpuppies

2 Nov 2009 | 10:28 am

We here at SILDC (okay, its just me, and I should be studying for a damn eggjam) are obsessed with the Slumdogg Millionare movie that has seemed to be on HBO every night since Diwali. I cannot help but watch at least a few scenes of wanton yelling, M.I.A.-infused train-trickery, and the goonsplash that is Anil Kapoor. Here's the latest from the brownsploitation film (from yahoo news):MUMBAI (AFP) - – Two child stars from the Oscar-winning film "Slumdog Millionaire" may lose their monthly allowance unless they improve their school attendance, a report said on Monday. Azharuddin Ismail and…
#7 Years of Lies: The AXE Effect

27 Oct 2009 | 1:15 pm

Indians are a fragrant bunch, as the saying goes, and will invest time and money in their aromas. But, for Vaibhav Bedi, enough was enough. After 7 years of being a devotee to the brand, he will sue Axe for 'mental suffering', 'cheating', and, apparently, not getting his chocolate limbs ripped off his brown body: In what could prove to be a major marketing and legal embarrassment for Hindustan Unilever Limited (HUL), a 26-year-old man has filed a case against the FMCG company, which owns the Axe brand of men grooming products, for ‘cheating’ and causing him ‘mental suffering’. The…
#54: Brandon Chillar

16 Sep 2009 | 3:12 pm

Not only are we biased from the Green and Gold, but his Hindu-Jat background and probable penchant for paneer make us 100% sold (LOL!) on Brandon Chillar as SILDC's athletic macaca of the year.
#15 Unique Visitors: Rawk Blogging!

5 Aug 2009 | 6:36 pm

Stay abreastezzzes of our goings on on the road as we tour the country with the Kominas in a Honda Civic Hybrid and a 2001 Volvo Sedan at our MTV Iggy Bands on Tour Blog. Updated somewhat frequently during stolen moments of Blackberry downtime.
#$5: Rockumenting!

17 Jul 2009 | 7:52 am

We're going on the road with Bonstonstan-based punk band The Kominas for a three week tour around the US of A. We'll be toting our cameras, mics and Volvo along for the ride. Since our goal is to bring back you, our audience, a visceral look at life on the road for a bunch of brown dudes playing dive bars and basements West of the Mississippi and South of the Mason Dixon, we offer you the option to throw a couple Washingtons our way to help us fund this rockument of America on the forehead of 2012. Click the button below and proceeeeeed.

Tremendous News!
5 Reasons We Love To Hate Spambots.

Tremendous

5 Nov 2009 | 5:01 am

We will defeat your super-hotness and offers for affordable teeth whitening. Dear e77s8ggm, I hope this letter finds you well. Well, I’m pretty sure you’re well because in your profile picture, you’re half-naked, and I can almost see your entire area. No lie? Pretty hot. But I can’t let that blur my focus. This letter has a point. All of Twitter can’t stand you. Here are some reasons why. 1. You Prey On Our Insecurities. The other day I was thinking about the whiteness of my teeth. Was it the reason why I haven’t been laid since the Clinton…
5 Ways Twitter Lists Can Defeat Douchebags.

Tremendous

2 Nov 2009 | 8:10 am

No iPhone app can make him less off putting. As you read this, the world of Twitter trembles. People unsure of the future. People wondering what to do. All because TwitJesus gave us lists. It nearly sent me into cardiac arrest. I know. How alarmingly nerdy! Lists are a way to organize people on Twitter. To group them. They’re public so you can see who put who on what list. But that’s just tweaking the nipples on the real moobs of this issue. Twitter lists can help us defeat douchebags. Here’s how they can do that, in my douchey 5-reason format. TwitJesus, the…
5 Reasons To Never Tweet Drunk.

Tremendous

29 Oct 2009 | 7:02 am

I know this one person on Twitter who is a well-regarded ’social media maven’. I won’t say his name. Let’s call him Randy. Through the day, Randy is informative, smart and helpful. He tweets Mashable links and will assist you in finding a new Wordpress plugin. At night, Randy gets completely wasted and starts hitting on spambots. Randy is just so very randy. I can’t blame him though. I, too, have tweeted drunk. I wake up the next morning all nude with the thimble from Monopoly in my ear and frantically run to my phone. OK, I slowly heave to my phone. Fat guys…
5 Reasons Why The New “Suggestions” Are Ruining Facebook

Tremendous

27 Oct 2009 | 8:31 am

If you logged into Facebook recently, you’d notice you have a box called “Suggestions” on the right-hand side. It’s where coolness goes to die. Inside this box, Facebook “suggests” that you do certain things. Like add someone nobody wants to add. Write on the wall of a person you’ve been avoiding for months. It’s a tiny passive-aggressive box of social instruction. Which I completely hate. Here are five reasons why this feature is absolutely horrible. 1. Nobody Wants To Suggest Friends To The Guy Who Only Has 2 Friends. Facebook wants me to tell…
How Facebook Killed Birthdays.

Tremendous

26 Oct 2009 | 10:53 am

I now play a sport. My mom told me it could help offset my over-eating. My feedings, as she calls them. So I play co-ed flag football with a variety of people who appear to not like me very much. Maybe because I wear these really tight gym shorts with my package protruding out of it. Whatever. That’s how you get chicks. At the last game, one of the yentas on our team cackled something about her birthday. Funny how everyone on my team remembered to message me on my birthday. Well. Almost everyone. Then she stared at me. While I was, coincidentally, feeding myself. I can’t…

College Humor
We Are Douchebags

6 Nov 2009 | 1:12 pm

"That's not fair. If douchebags reclaim the word douchebag, then we have to find something else to call them. I suggest "asshole loser jerks that everyone hates."" Uploaded 172 likes
CH Live: NYC - Hardly Working: Chickens

6 Nov 2009 | 11:00 am

"If at first you don't succeed, kick someone off the stage." Uploaded by CH Staff 113 likes
Parkour Fail Compilation

6 Nov 2009 | 10:59 am

"Ой! Это больно. Translation: Ouch! That hurt." Uploaded 31 likes
Auto-Tuned Billy Mays Tribute

6 Nov 2009 | 10:15 am

"He has the voice of an angel now." Uploaded 172 likes
Lightning Almost Hits Dancer

6 Nov 2009 | 10:06 am

"That was close. He almost embarrassed himself." Uploaded 34 likes

There, I Fixed It
Load ‘Em In From The Other Side And They’re None The Wiser

Ms. Fix-It

6 Nov 2009 | 12:00 pm

Submitted by: pixialted via Submit a Kludge!
Friday Friends: Some Lovely Kludges

Ms. Fix-It

6 Nov 2009 | 11:00 am

There are times when a kludge is necessary. For example, you’re stuck in the middle of the woods and just tumbled into a ravine and judging from that white bit protruding from your leg, a temporary cast made from a stick and some duct tape will suffice until you either get to help or a bear eats you. Sometimes, a kludge is just easier. Or funnier. But trying to sell your house should not be one of those times. Luckily for us, my friend Sara has a blog to point out that common sense when it comes to real estate is pretty uncommon. Check out these gems: I’m not entirely sure what…
It’s Like Some Sort Of Handwashing Device…

Ms. Fix-It

6 Nov 2009 | 9:00 am

Submitted By: Checotah
Whaddya Mean My Identity’s Been Stolen?

Ms. Fix-It

6 Nov 2009 | 5:00 am

Submitted by: EKSYT via Submit a Kludge!
Who Knew 4H Had More Gear Than Marching Band?

Ms. Fix-It

5 Nov 2009 | 12:30 pm

Submitted by: Taken by a co-worker via Submit a Kludge! Favorite Comment: Fixer Joe says, “School bus says: I made you a tractor, but I eated it.”

Fark
In the "Old news is so exciting" file: a new article about pictures of Carrie Fisher and her stunt double sunbathing while wearing the slave bikini during filming of Return of the Jedi in 1983 [Spiffy]

7 Nov 2009 | 4:29 am

[link] [22 comments]
Photoshop this U.N. member with many mics [Photoshop]

7 Nov 2009 | 4:26 am

[link] [30 comments]
Man missed 1970s airline service so much he spent $50,000 and 20 years building a Pam Am 747 garage, complete with boarding passes, in-flight beverage service and fake stairs to the upper deck [Sappy]

7 Nov 2009 | 4:13 am

[link] [11 comments]
Editor: I have always disliked that particular mug shot of mine taken at police headquarters. Please find enclosed a recent photo to use as a replacement. Sincerely, Dumbass [Dumbass]

7 Nov 2009 | 3:27 am

[link] [10 comments]
Students should never underestimate the importance of cliff notes [Dumbass]

7 Nov 2009 | 2:34 am

[link] [22 comments]

Pointless Banter
Anthony Sowell: Civil Rights Leader

donkeysosa

6 Nov 2009 | 3:18 pm

Earlier this week, we were all horrified when we heard the news that the bodies of at least 10 women were found at the home of Anthony Sowell, a 50 year old African American man from Cleveland, Ohio. But I feel we’re dwelling too much on the dark side of this case, when in fact there is a silver lining: the Anthony Sowell case respresents a stunning advance in Civil Rights on par with the election of President Barack Obama. Don’t believe me, well consider the totally scientific evidence: 1. In earlier times, African American men could never aspire to the heights of serial…
A Headfirst Dive Into Erotic Fan Fiction

Bobby Finstock

3 Nov 2009 | 5:51 am

Over the years I have tried to write erotic poetry and even an erotic short story. Sadly neither was accepted for publication and I haven’t been able to pen my novel with Fabio airbrushed on the cover. Rejected, dejected, and depressed I swallowed up the failure and went on with my life. However I can’t repress my desire to titillate and tantalite (wait I think that is a mineral) the world. Knowing that my erotic poetry and short story telling career is over I had to sink to the lowest of the lows, erotic fan fiction. For those of you who don’t know what erotic fan fiction is … well…
Wait did something happen with a balloon and a boy?

Bobby Finstock

28 Oct 2009 | 5:27 am

Yeah I know this all happened two weeks ago and I didn’t jump on it when it happened. I have an excuse I was in Vegas and then I was too lazy to write about it so bite me. I have to say I completely love the entire Balloon Boy thing and I hope his dad doesn’t go to jail. There aren’t enough hoaxes pulled off anymore. Saying that whatever celebrity, one that is probably either slightly washed up or unheard from for a while, is dead doesn’t constitute a hoax. However faking your son’s disappearance coupled with an exciting balloon chase totally kicks ass. Everyone is piling on the guy…
Jon and Kate plus hate-orade.

Guest Blogger

27 Oct 2009 | 4:57 am

(There was one post that I totally missed from when I went on vacation. Here is a guest post about everyone’s favorite couple…) I’m sure I don’t have to convince you to hate these people, they have the charm of airport security personnel but without the community college education. Asian babies are built in the same way that Chinese food is made: with MSG. They come out of their factories inhumanly adorable. But these kids are special. These eight mixed-race babies have the colonial promise of their caucasian heritage (O, Kate, you noble mare!) and the dopey cuteness…
So it has come to this Boy Scouts?

Bobby Finstock

26 Oct 2009 | 4:40 am

I have a pretty bad weakness when kids try and sell me shit that I don’t want. Not because I love children (in either type of way you are thinking) but because I remember how shitty it was to go door to door peddling shit that NOBODY wanted to support be it a sports league, school activity, or cub scouts. Even though I was young I was acutely aware that the 90 year old lady that lived down the street whom couldn’t leave her house didn’t need $25 in McDonald’s sundaes gift certificates. My personal policy has been to just buy the cheapest thing possible and get the hell out of their…

Free-Ass. Press
Maine: "I'm Not Gay, I Totally Digs Chicks, So F**k Off!"

Free-Ass. Press

5 Nov 2009 | 3:00 am

Posted: After one step forward MAINE, Maine -- In a surprising twist of election events, the state of Maine voted to repeal a law that legalized gay marriage in the state. Maine Governor John Baldacci announced the results yesterday in a press conference held outside a Hooters restaurant in Augusta. "On behalf of the state of Maine, I declare that we don't think there's anything wrong with being gay," said Baldacci. "But we're not gay, OK? So stop asking. Take that s**t to Vermont." Balducci then stood on top of a table and gave out a giant "Yee-haw!" "Now one of these wicked hot waitresses…
Is Obama Too Skinny? Experts Blame Media Portrayal of Past Presidents

Free-Ass. Press

3 Nov 2009 | 3:00 am

The Obama family having a picnic on the White House lawn.Posted: On the cover of Potus Beat magazineWASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Obama set off a firestorm of tabloid coverage over the weekend as he exited a gym after a long workout looking thinner than ever. Experts have begun to attribute the president's emaciated figure to the constant unattainable, unrealistic and idealized images of the presidential body portrayed in weekly newsmagazines and history books.Obama's portly Press Secretary Robert Gibbs blamed the president's excessive weight loss on a rigorous schedule. Others have blamed…
Republicans Dress Up As Public Option For Halloween

Free-Ass. Press

29 Oct 2009 | 3:00 am

Posted: Back when Jason masks were REALLY scary HALLOWASHINGTEEN, D.C. -- In a surprise public relations push against health care reform, some Senate Republicans have come together to show a unified front by dressing up as the big, bad, scary "public option" for Halloween to demonstrate how big, bad and scary it is. "I had to go to four different Party City locations before I found anything even close," said Sen. Olympia Snowe (kinda R-Maine). "I thought putting my head through the Constitution, wearing a doctor's coat and maxing out my credit card would do the trick. In the end, it just…
Free-Ass. In-Depth: 5 Hot Jobs Available Right Now

Free-Ass. Press

27 Oct 2009 | 3:00 am

Posted: Like a new leaf on the green shoots of the economy. As a public service to its gentle readers, the Free-Ass. Editorial Bored periodically compiles lists designed to help people navigate this absolute bitch of an economy. Today's list comprises in-demand jobs with companies that are forging ahead and finding success in this difficult economy. They have work for you to do. What is the work, and who will make the cut? Read on to find out. 5. Swine Flu Vaccination Customer Service Representative: This job is forecasted to be in demand at least through mid-2010 after the virus -- and…
Mass. Terrorist Arrested For Making "Peanut Butter and Jelly at Culinary School"

Free-Ass. Press

22 Oct 2009 | 3:00 am

Posted: Nowhere near Harvard for once -- sorry, Henry Louis Gates and mouse lab technician guyBAHSTON -- A Massachusetts man and his friends have been arrested for allegedly plotting a terrorist attack on mall shoppers, peanut butter and a cooking school."We simply cannot allow terrorists to target the heart of America -- rich, creamy peanut butter," said Bahston police chief Rahbaht Chowdah.The alleged terrorists were overheard in a mall food court talking about "blowing up bombs to kill hundreds of capitalists and then drinking the blood of unbelieving decadent American infidels." After a…

Special Kind of Stupid
Cupid has finally found me

kev

6 Nov 2009 | 8:18 am

“They” say love finds you when you aren’t looking for it. I say “they” are fools! Why? Because I’ve been looking for love and it still found me. Yep, that’s right. Miss Right has found me. Just when I thought I might be the last single person of marriageable age in the entire world, an angel comes and sweeps me off my feet. I present to you all the e-mail I received last night: Hello I am Miss nhelyn I came across your profile today and became much interested in you I will like to have you as my companion, from here lets see if our dream towards each…
When I dream, I make teenagers cry

kev

4 Nov 2009 | 11:09 am

As I’ve written once or twice before, I rarely dream. And yet, I’ve now had two memorable dreams this week. The first one, of course, was silly and odd. That is, unless you do not consider a dream where I am trying to make amends with ex-girlfriends I have wronged and having one of them try to kill me by running me off the road with a semi-truck to be silly or odd. This latest dream was actually normal. Actually, it was more than that. It was lucid. And it had a moral message. Seriously, it was as if this dream was written by a producer of an after-school special. In the dream, I…
The Dream Critic

kev

2 Nov 2009 | 8:06 am

I rarely have dreams. When I do have them, I rarely remember them. When I do have them, and I do remember them, they are usually very weird. Last night’s dream was no exception. Begin dream sequence! I climb into the passenger’s seat of my Mustang. A girl is behind the wheel. She asks me something to the effect of, “so how did it go?” Before I could answer, I see a giant semi-truck pulling out of the driveway of the home I just exited. I tell the girl to step on it. The semi-truck was coming after us. She takes off, but apparently not fast enough for my satisfaction. I…
Examiner.com Taps Humor Blogger to Write Insightful Political Articles

kev

31 Oct 2009 | 11:09 am

ATLANTA, GA - In a surprising announcement, Examiner.com announced today that it has selected the owner of Special Kind of Stupid, a humor blog that focuses on a myriad of insipid topics, to be its new Atlanta Conservative Examiner. In this new role, the humorist will write insightful, news-worthy articles on both national and local politics. “Hey, I’m just as shocked as the rest of you,” announced SKOS’s owner to a group of imaginary reporters he pretended were standing around him asking questions. Encouraged to apply by Jennifer Weber of the blog I’m Having a…
Halloween Skankitis

kev

31 Oct 2009 | 10:13 am

This blog post was originally published one year ago on October 31, 2008. The mark of a true work of art, I believe it’s message has stood the test of time. It’s Halloween. It’s time for pumpkins, kids in costumes, trick or treating, and candy. It is also time for the annual outbreak of what researchers have named “Halloween Skankitis.” Halloween Skankitis is an epidemic that used to only inflict females between the ages of 18 and 35, but now reaches females of all ages. It’s a disease that infects woman who are oftentimes perfectly normal the rest of the…

The Onion
[audio] Scientists Dissect Coworker To Find Out More About Scientists

6 Nov 2009 | 5:02 pm

Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland
In Focus: Kids Excited Mom Learning To Swear

6 Nov 2009 | 8:39 am

PESHTIGO, WI--After a lifetime of assiduously avoiding the use of foul language, Helen Chernak, 59, is finally learning to swear, her delighted offspring reported Monday.
Sports: 95-Year-Old Yankees Fan Afraid He'll Never Get To See Team Win 27 More World Series

6 Nov 2009 | 7:38 am

NEW YORK—Michael Grippo, a 95-year-old Bronx native, told reporters Wednesday that he is "worried sick" that he won't live to see the Yankees win another 27 World Series titles.
Just Area Man's Luck

6 Nov 2009 | 7:00 am

KENOSHA, WI—Amid questions as to why this kind of shit always happens to him, area resident Patrick Kennedy told reporters Monday it was...
Ohio Legalized Casinos

6 Nov 2009 | 6:30 am

Voters in Ohio approved a plan to open casinos in the state's four largest cities. What do you think?

Lolcats 'n' Funny Pictures of Cats - I Can Has Cheezburger?
must prevent

Cheezburger Network

7 Nov 2009 | 3:00 am

must prevent swine flu dis iz wheer it awl started. (via ROFLrazzi) Picture by: Profe Murphy Caption by: iareteheyes via Our LOL Builder » Recaption This! » View All Captions
Extincshun….

Cheezburger Network

6 Nov 2009 | 5:00 pm

Extincshun ….imminent can i play ur part in teh moovie? Picture by: Pysselpetra Caption by: chech1965 via Advanced Lol Builder » Recaption This! » View All Captions
Your Weekly Treats

tofuburger

6 Nov 2009 | 4:59 pm

Every Friday, we’ll be bringing you some of the most awesome lolz from around the network that you definitely should not miss. Your kittehs might be a bit jealous that you’re looking at non-kitteh lolz, but shh… we won’t tell them if you won’t tell on us. Enjoy the lolz! From FAIL Blog: Holiday Lighting Win From ROFLrazzi: From Totally Looks Like: Snowy Grill Totally Looks Like Designer Karl Lagerfeld From GraphJam: Maybe we would remember more of the YMCA song if it was in lolspeak. Cheez Frend cweenmj translated the YMCA song in lolspeak, so now our kittehs can…
witness protection

Cheezburger Network

6 Nov 2009 | 3:00 pm

witness protection not working so well u gotz 2 blend in a bit moar. Picture by: dunno source Caption by: Clarksvegas via Our LOL Builder » Recaption This! » View All Captions
Why do

Cheezburger Network

6 Nov 2009 | 12:00 pm

Why do dogs find this so difficult? Picture by: dunno source Caption by: coldest via Advanced Lol Builder » Recaption This! » View All Captions

digg.com: Stories / Comedy / Popular
Should I Buy Her A Drink? (Flowchart)

7 Nov 2009 | 12:30 am

If you end up hitting the bars tonight, we'd like you to be prepared. Sometimes knowing when and who to buy a drink for can be a challenging task for young men. We’ve developed an extremely basic reference guide to help you step up the plate and score some (probably married) tail. Good luck young Jedi.
How Everything Goes to Hell During a Zombie Apocalypse (PIC)

6 Nov 2009 | 5:10 pm

An funny depiction of what NOT to do during a zombie outbreak
Awkward Internet Family Photoshops

6 Nov 2009 | 5:00 pm

As Awkward Family Photos and My Parents Were Awesome have shown us, family portraits should be cherished. You can look back at photos years from now and say, "I can't believe I'm so depressed that I'm looking at old photos. Of other people's families." Well lucky for you, Memes and your favorite internet crazies have families, too.
6 People Who Faked Their Own Death (For Ridiculous Reasons)

6 Nov 2009 | 12:40 pm

We can admit that sometimes it might make sense to fake your death. You know, like if you're on the run from the mob, or something. Or you could go a totally different route and fake your death for a really asinine reason. Kind of like these people...
Old People on the Internet Live Forever [VIDEOS]

5 Nov 2009 | 3:40 pm

There are puh-lenty denizens from way "over the hill" who have wheeled and walk[er]ed their way into this crazy town we call the Internet. Here are some of our favorite senior citizens on the web:

Bill Scheft: ABlog the Author
The Winner of a Bill Scheft t-shirt for Heroic Email CPR....

6 Nov 2009 | 8:19 pm

….is our pal, Toast in the Machine, who sent me the Yahoo help number and got me back up and running in two email accounts in four hours, rather than 24. Toast not only sent warnings and numbers to this blog, but sent my wife a message on Facebook. Come on. And thanks to everyone who also chimed in with blog comment alerts. When it happened, around 3:45. I was so nuts I didn’t check in here for a while. That, of course, and the fact that it happened in the middle of a, wait for it, NINE -HOUR HOUSECALL FROM VERIZON to set me up with FIOS. Unreal. I really appreciate everyone’s concern.
On my way to Detroit....

6 Nov 2009 | 8:52 am

…for the Detroit Jewish Book Fair, the Rose Bowl of Jewish Book Fairs. It is a big big deal, apparently. I took this gig because I wanted to experience one Jewish book festival, and I wanted to go back to Detroit, my favorite city to do stand-up. Mark Ridley’s “Comedy Castle,” which is still around and I may scoot over to for the late show Saturday night, was one of the great road clubs. Great treatment, great sightlines, wonderful crowds that got it, and a real mensch of an owner. Mark Ridley was a sweetheart who treated comics like artists and not like, as a guy once said to me in…
Here they are...Dave's Opening Remarks 11/4/92....

4 Nov 2009 | 11:34 am

President Bill Clinton! And you thought he was getting chicks before…. Earlier today, Admiral Stockdale told reporters, “I think we gonna win this thing!” Good news for President Bush. Because he left the White House in good condition, he will be getting his security deposit back. Okay, so come January 20, it’ll be President Clinton, Vice President Gore and Assistant Dairy Queen Manager Quayle. NOTES: I wrote a more personalized version of the first joke (“I’m gonna go out out on a limb here and say there’s no better pickup line in a singles bar than, ‘Hi. I’m the new…
If you don't slavishly read the comments on this blog....

3 Nov 2009 | 3:45 pm

You missed one of our regulars, Toast in the Machine, pointing out that today was the 17th anniversary of the day Bill Clinton was elected and I wrote my all-time one-day record of 78 jokes at the old show. Actually, the anniversary is tomorrow, because I wrote the jokes the day after Election Night. I know what you’re thinking: “Wow. Which ones did Dave do?” The answer: Zero. For years, the monologue at NBC was three jokes long (Dave got one note from the network when he started: Don’t be the Tonight Show. His brief, decidedly unCarsonian musings at the top of the show wasn’t even…
Texas Book Festival Post-Game Wrap-Up....

1 Nov 2009 | 5:48 pm

Back ensconsed in the house, done with football for the day (I heard the Fox “Favre Cam” got punched out in a Green Bay bar for staring at a girl in a Donald Driver jersey….) and over the back-from-the-road pass-out nap. So, here goes…. This is a big deal, this Texas Book Festival. It is the biggest book festival in the country. I was one of over 200 authors, but was mercifully not on a panel. It was just a one-on-one interview. The moderator, Will Clarke, a fine comic novelist, did an amazing job. Not once, not once, did he steer the discussion to his work or his process, which may…

Cracked: All Posts
Types of Useless Information on Yahoo! Answers [PIE CHART]

5 Nov 2009 | 9:00 pm
Disney to Reboot Mickey Mouse, Internet to Make Fun of Them

5 Nov 2009 | 9:00 pm
6 People Who Faked Their Own Death (For Ridiculous Reasons)

5 Nov 2009 | 9:00 pm
9 Reasons Iraqis Suck at Jumping Jacks

4 Nov 2009 | 9:00 pm
6 Badass Tricks You Can (But Shouldn't) Do With Electricity

4 Nov 2009 | 9:00 pm

Humor Blogs on Blogged
Having Fun with "Google Suggest"

Neatorama The “autofill” feature of the Google search box was designed as a timesaver, but the suggested searches can also be entertaining.Â Writing in Slate, Michael Agger compared the autofill of “less...
Bread Shoes

Unbelieveable Stuff Bread Shoes Designed by twin brothers Remigijus and Egidijus Praspaliauskas, the Bread Shoes may not be very practical but they are perfect as wacky gifts. Every pair is unique and they come in...
If you saw what I rolled in

I Has a Hotdog If you saw what I rolled in a second ago TRUST ME you’d understand. u gonna need a baff...
Bird Drops Bread, LHC Shuts Down

Neatorama You can’t make stuff like this up. A piece of a baguette dropped by a passing bird caused a shutdown at the CERN Large Hadron Collider. The bird dropped some bread on a section of outdoor...
The joke

Pundit Kitchen The joke makes itself...

Angry Alien
The Bunnies DVD available TODAY!

20 Oct 2009 | 12:00 am

Hurrah! The bunnies DVD releases TODAY on Amazon! Here's the link to Amazon.com order page. DVD is region-free! ALL 62 bunny shorts (includes a couple family-friendly/bleeped versions) through Halloween bunnies, plus bonus content! Whee!
The Wolf Bun (1941) is online! Bunnies DVD out TOMORROW!

19 Oct 2009 | 12:00 am

Hi All! Halloween season continues with the online debut of The Wolf Bun (1941), hosted on the Starz online player. Enjoy! The bunnies are currently working on their version of Gone with the Wind. AND! The bunnies DVD is being released TOMORROW on Amazon! Here's the link to Amazon.com pre-order page. DVD is region-free! ALL 62 bunny shorts through Halloween bunnies, plus bonus content, included!
Updates! Bunny DVD, Top Gun buns, ect, ect, ect

17 Sep 2009 | 12:00 am

Hi Everyone! There are all sorts of updates for you today. First, the bunnies (via Jennifer) will be speaking this weekend about using Flash for independent cartoon projects at Flash on the Beach in Brighton, UK. Maybe we'll see you there. Secondly, Top Gun bunnies will debut online next week (9/20 or 9/21), hosted on the Starz website. So if you feel a need for speed, check it out. More classic fright to follow, as the bunnies recently finished their version of The Wolf Man (1941). Next, they begin re-enacting Gone with the Wind. And, the bunnies DVD collection is slated to hit the…
Halloween buns is up

26 Aug 2009 | 12:00 am

Hi All! Halloween season kicks off early with the online debut of Halloween (1978) bunnies, hosted on the Starz online player. Enjoy! More classic fright to follow as the bunnies currently work on their version of The Wolf Man (1941).
Pleez Vote for SXSW Bunny Panel, if applicable

20 Aug 2009 | 12:00 am

Any bunny viewers/SXSW 2010 attendees out there? Please vote for my panel submission. The panel is called "Using Flash for Your Independent Cartoon Projects," during which I will discuss aforementioned Flash usage, show bunny action, plus outline how Flash is a good tool for comic book layouts, too. To vote, users will be asked to create an account. Voting ends September 4. Maybe we'll see you there! The next re-enactments going online are Halloween buns (next week), followed by Top Gun. Meanwhile, the bunnies are hard at work re-enacting The Wolf Man (1941).

Punchline
30th Seattle International Comedy Comp kicks off tonight

4 Nov 2009 | 3:36 pm

It’s that time of year again when 32 of the world’s top ranked comics compete in the Seattle International Comedy Competition. Now in its 30th year, the SICC kicks off tonight at the Columbia City Theater where the first round of 16 comics will vie for 5 spots in the semi-finals; the rest will go home. “I have been producing this event for 15 of its 30 years,” says SICC producer, Ron Reid. “The most rewarding part about it for me is seeing how it has developed from a small, home-grown event to a huge touring festival that gets seen by over 6000 people.”…
30th Seattle International Comedy Comp kicks off tonight

4 Nov 2009 | 3:36 pm

It’s that time of year again when 32 of the world’s top ranked comics compete in the Seattle International Comedy Competition. Now in its 30th year, the SICC kicks off tonight at the Columbia City Theater where the first round of 16 comics will vie for 5 spots in the semi-finals; the rest will go home. “I have been producing this event for 15 of its 30 years,” says SICC producer, Ron Reid. “The most rewarding part about it for me is seeing how it has developed from a small, home-grown event to a huge touring festival that gets seen by over 6000 people.”…
Michael Ian Black, Doug Benson and more launch WitStream

4 Nov 2009 | 1:06 pm

WitStream, the new Twitter-like site that focuses on the tweets of comedians, enjoyed a festive launch on Monday night at Comix in New York City. Michael Ian Black, who co-founded the site, hosted the show. He was also on-hand throughout, critiquing the live feed of his peers’ WitSream one-liners from a laptop at the side of the stage. He also gave the best explanation of WitStream I’ve heard so far: “It’s like Twitter, but without most of the people.” The show featured stand-up from some of WitStream’s top “aristocrats.” Baron Vaughn, Morgan Murphy, Black’s collaborator…
Michael Ian Black, Doug Benson and more launch WitStream

4 Nov 2009 | 1:06 pm

WitStream, the new Twitter-like site that focuses on the tweets of comedians, enjoyed a festive launch on Monday night at Comix in New York City. Michael Ian Black, who co-founded the site, hosted the show. He was also on-hand throughout, critiquing the live feed of his peers’ WitSream one-liners from a laptop at the side of the stage. He also gave the best explanation of WitStream I’ve heard so far: “It’s like Twitter, but without most of the people.” The show featured stand-up from some of WitStream’s top “aristocrats.” Baron Vaughn, Morgan Murphy, Black’s collaborator…
Stephen Colbert sponsors U.S. speedskating Olympic team

4 Nov 2009 | 8:49 am

Still reeling from the failure of Barack Obama’s Chicago Olympics bid? It turns out another American is poised to forever change the face of the Olympic Games: Stephen Colbert. On Monday night’s show, Colbert announced that the Colbert Nation will be sponsoring the US Speedskating team in the 2010’s Vancouver Winter Olympics. Colbert Nation is stepping in after the dissolution of the team’s previous sponsor, Dutch bank DSB. According to the man himself, this team is going for the gold. “”We must ensure that it is America’s 38-inch thighs on that medal platform.”…

Comic Wonder - Audio Joke of the Day
[audio] A Golfer's Count

by prman214 (0:51) Hear great jokes and tell some of your own at Comic Wonder. A joke's not a joke until it's told.
[audio] kids are funny

by wilson (0:23) Hear great jokes and tell some of your own at Comic Wonder. A joke's not a joke until it's told.
[audio] Little Boy Asks Doctor,How Are Babies Made?

by VoiceofElk (0:31) Hear great jokes and tell some of your own at Comic Wonder. A joke's not a joke until it's told.
[audio] the blonde and the M and M factor

by happilymarriedblonde (0:15) Hear great jokes and tell some of your own at Comic Wonder. A joke's not a joke until it's told.
[audio] Welfare Line

by FOGGY (1:13) Hear great jokes and tell some of your own at Comic Wonder. A joke's not a joke until it's told.

Predator Press
The Emperor's New Hos

LOBO

6 Nov 2009 | 1:51 pm

Predator Press [LOBO] Wha-? Almost a week since my last post? Well as difficult as it must be to imagine, I upon occasion get bored with myself. Which is no excuse, I suppose; millions and millions of Predator Press readers are clearly not bored with myself, and I don’t want them showing up here and screwing up my lawn holding vigils and immolating themselves. I am fine. Just bored. But as they say, “Bored hands are the Devil’s workshop" -I need to snap out of it, lest I fall into the vile, slippery clutches of Lucifer! -So when I found out that my buddy Chris over at Angry Seafood had…
Predator Press Swine Flu Update: Are You All Still Dead Yet?

LOBO

2 Nov 2009 | 2:43 pm

Predator Press [LOBO] So update me. Yeah, I know a handful of creditors that haven’t stopped calling -and that crack team of pizza delivery guys is on full swing. But how are the rest of you holding up? -And do you know of anyone still alive that delivers Chinese? Or know of any Chinese restaurants woefully unarmed and stockpiled with food maybe? What most of these intensive pricks don't realize is that I find the Apocalypse really, really depressing. So I tried to cheer myself up, right? By creating something 'permanent' aliens would find among all of our scattered, well-gnawed bones,…
Pound of Flesh

LOBO

31 Oct 2009 | 4:22 pm

Predator Press [LOBO] I listen to a lot of news on the radio, and it’s not uncommon to catch an accidental three or four minutes of Rush Limbaugh or Sean Hannity from time to time. -I don't avoid them because I'm 'Liberal.' I avoid them because, well, I'm not a mushhead. "Mushheads" aren't necessarily stupid, they are just too busy to do their own thinking. But my wife will tell you I do a lot more thinking than doing ... thus, apparently, mushheads doing the stuff I'm thinking about are an essential part of our overall ecology. Were it not for all those hard-working mushheads, I'll daresay…
In Loving Memory

LOBO

30 Oct 2009 | 9:57 pm

Predator Press [LOBO] My family is Christian, Catholic … I dunno, something. Cremate, bury, priest, yes, no, blah blah …. I want a dead chicken revolved over my grave for twenty years. And a monster car rally. -Exactly as Buddha would have wanted it.
Cynical Airline Denies "Pay It Forward" Frequent Flyer Miles, Haley Joel Osment Stranded at O'Hare

LOBO

29 Oct 2009 | 10:14 am

Predator Press [LOBO] At some point, one of the kids is going to inherit the LOBOnian Empire. -And before you ask, no, I don’t intend on dying. But while the LOBOnian Empire is a vast and complex kingdom, it’s also often excruciatingly boring too: I wouldn’t have bothered having kids were it not for the need of someone to dump bestow it upon. Regarding the ability to run said empire, it’s too early to tell with the youngest, Screechy. He's seven. At this age, he has the attention span of a gnat -no, that’s too moderate: picture a hyper spaz gnat, suddenly paroled from a ten-year…

Funny Or Die
The Best Burrito I've Ever Eaten

TubularGoldmine

6 Nov 2009 | 12:17 am

The Best Burrito I've Ever Eaten 0:54 This is literally the best burrito I've ever eaten, ever. Submitted by: TubularGoldmine) Kinda Cute Keywords: burrito the best burrito american doll weird parry gripp dolls song salsa Views: 10,860
Drunk Ewoks Moonwalking

TubularGoldmine

4 Nov 2009 | 1:52 pm

Drunk Ewoks Moonwalking 4:45 The Today Show was invaded by a few drunk fighting Ewoks who hump and dance their way through the day. Submitted by: TubularGoldmine) Kinda Cute Keywords: Today Show Ewoks star wars weird funny humping hump drunk drinking booze moonwalking Views: 9,412
Christopher Walken sings "Poker Face"

TubularGoldmine

4 Nov 2009 | 1:49 pm

Christopher Walken sings "Poker Face" 1:14 Lady Gaga's Poker Face done by Christopher Walken - epic. Submitted by: TubularGoldmine) Kinda Cute Keywords: christopher walken Lady Gaga Poker Face BBC One tv remix cover rendition spoken word performance Views: 35,327
Molly Sims Dramatic Acting Reel

Molly Sims

3 Nov 2009 | 7:13 pm

Molly Sims Dramatic Acting Reel 3:17 Supermodel Molly Sims wants you to know she's got more than just good bone structure. She's got acting chops, and here's her reel to prove it. Submitted by: Molly Sims) Chosen One Keywords: supermodel swimsuit edition sports illustrated model bikini sexy space nasa traffic hot swimsuit edition bikini strip Views: 184,051
Treat Flirt Confusion with Flirtoproson

OurStruggle

2 Nov 2009 | 10:26 am

Treat Flirt Confusion with Flirtoproson 2:27 Do you often mistake casual, meaningless flirting for genuine romantic attraction? Then the new drug Flirtoproson may be right for you. Submitted by: OurStruggle) Kinda Cute Keywords: flirt flirting dating drug confusion commercial medicine Views: 24,103

xkcd.com
Lego

5 Nov 2009 | 9:00 pm
Orbitals

3 Nov 2009 | 9:00 pm
Movie Narrative Charts

1 Nov 2009 | 9:00 pm
October 30th

29 Oct 2009 | 9:00 pm

Jokers Joke
Halloween Prank: Fake Trick or Treater

2 Nov 2009 | 12:00 pm

Here is a very tricky prank: the fake trick or treater. Take a look: Permalink | Our News Feeds
Jetsons Theme Song Extended

25 Oct 2009 | 7:00 pm

The Jetsons Theme Song gets extended in this version from College Humor. You can also the watch video here on YouTube. Permalink | Our News Feeds
Tracy Morgan Starts Tweeting

10 Oct 2009 | 12:00 pm

Tracy Morgan has joined Twitter after being encourage to do so by a website called Twacy.org. You can follow Tracy on Twitter at @RealTracyMorgan. Permalink | Our News Feeds
Twitter Killer: Duck-Clown-Fern

30 Sep 2009 | 4:00 pm

An animated Ashton Kutcher shares a new "Twitter killer" social network in this video from Popzilla. It's a new social network called Duck-Clown-Fern where you are only allowed to share images of a duck, a clown or a fern to explain how you are doing. If only social networks could be so simple. Permalink | Our News Feeds
Fox Anchor Tells Weatherman to Keep Having Sex With a Chicken

17 Sep 2009 | 4:00 pm

FOX5 WNYW anchor Ernie Anastos told the weatherman on to "keep f***ing that chicken" on the Sept. 16 2009 10 o'clock news program. Wonder what in the world he was actually trying to say? Permalink | Our News Feeds

the Ominous Comma
Answers to Questions People May or May Not be Asking

Brent

26 Oct 2009 | 3:58 pm

Every so often I like to pause the slow creaking machinery of this publication in order to answer certain burning hypothetical questions which, at least theoretically, could be troubling the minds of readers everywhere. Here we go… Yes, I’m still alive. No, I haven’t been writing here very often. Yes, I still love you. No, you can’t move in. Yes , I’m still busy fixing this site, promoting the Mind Over Memphis videos, and doing all the things I whined about here. No, I didn’t run out of ideas. Yes, time and energy are in short supply lately. 421 Yes, the Hot…
Nightshade Manor – Mind Over Memphis: Episode One

Brent

15 Oct 2009 | 4:02 pm

In which the bane of my existence, Doctor Harold Toboggans, attempts to cure Kevin Gaiman of Nightshade Manor from the horrible “curse” of donating food to the Mid-South Food Bank. See it for yourself at: Mind Over Memphis – Nightshade Manor Related posts:Breaking the Fourth Wall – An Open Letter to the InternetMind Over Memphis PreviewBack in the Saddle
Breaking the Fourth Wall – An Open Letter to the Internet

Brent

11 Oct 2009 | 6:20 pm

Those of you who have reading the Comma for any length of time will probably be aware of my reoccurring struggles with purpose and humor, and how I’ve never really been content to just make people laugh but instead have looked for ways to also inspire and teach and challenge the status quo. It has taken a while, but with my new Mind Over Memphis project, I think I might finally be on the right track. In this new video series, I have found a way to highlight social entrepreneurs, not people with start-ups, but rather people who are upstarts, individuals who look around at the people and…
Mind Over Memphis Preview

Brent

7 Oct 2009 | 3:32 pm

Friends, the moment we’ve all dreaded and feared has come upon us at last. Therapist, egotist, and professional fashion victim Doctor Harold Toboggans has finally released his new video series Mind Over Memphis. “Don’t hate me because I’m tacky” In this bold new experiment in full-motion arrogance, Dr Toboggans takes upon himself to “rehabilitate” the artists, activists, and philanthropists of Memphis and put them back on the path of passivity and therapeutic dependence. All while charging a sizable fee, I’m sure. If you’re feeling brave*, and haven’t recently eaten, you…
What the Dysfunction?

Brent

27 Sep 2009 | 3:06 pm

As you might have notice, I’m having trouble with my Comma. As in so many other endeavors timing is everything, and this timing is a little rough. Currently I am: Co-producing Doctor Toboggans’s upcoming video series Mind Over Memphis Spinning up drtoboggans.com to host the new series Handling a large and unexpected new project at my day job Prepping Doctor Toboggans for a month long evening gig Putting together a conference presentation on “The Blog as an Art Form” …And now bolting the Ominous Comma back together again. Needless to say, I’m going to be busy.

Mattress Police
V for Velocity (or, How not to remake a classic scifi miniseries)

4 Nov 2009 | 3:38 am

When I heard that ABC was remaking the classic 80s alien invasion miniseries V, I have to admit I got a little tingly. Having seen what the SciFi (now SyFy) Channel did with an interstellar cheese-fest like Battlestar Galactica, I couldn't help but entertain high hopes for an updated production of V featuring modern day visual effects like computer generated spaceships, grisly CSI-like reveals of reptilian skin beneath human flesh, and Morena Baccarin.Unfortunately, someone at ABC completely misunderstood the project, and rather than remaking the V miniseries, they ended up remaking the…
Police Blotter of the Gods

2 Nov 2009 | 4:18 am

OLYMPUS 10/25 ? Domestic Disturbance: Police were summoned to the residence of Zeus and his wife Metis when neighbors complained of ?a sound like somebody being eaten.? Officers found Zeus in his front yard, naked and apparently intoxicated. When questioned about the whereabouts of his pregnant wife Metis, Zeus claimed that she had ?gone to the Circle K for some smokes.? Officers escorted Zeus inside the dwelling, where he fell asleep in an easy chair. His daughter, Athena, then emerged fully grown and outfitted for war, from his forehead. She declined to press charges. OLYMPUS 10/26 ?
Get the Mercury Falls ebook free!

31 Oct 2009 | 2:10 am

You guys remember Joel from Crummy Church Signs, right? Well, he has just come out with a new album (under the name "The Sinai Alliance") called "Though The Darkness Hide Thee...." "TTDHT" is is a collection of old hymns with new, modern rock arrangements and production. Same lyrics, same melody, different sound and feel. You can get the whole thing from Amazon for $7.99. And get this: Joel and I have worked out a deal where if you buy "TTDHT" by this Friday, November 6, you can get a coupon to download my novel, Mercury Falls, absolutely FREE! Details on the Sinai Alliance website.It's a…
Mercury Falls is now available on Kindle!

19 Oct 2009 | 11:45 am

Yes, the day you've been waiting for is here. My novel, Mercury Falls, is finally available for the Kindle. It's only $5. Order it here. The reaction to the paperback version has been overwhelming. So far it's gotten five 5-star reviews! One reviewer (an Amazon Top 500 Reviewer) wrote: Not since Kevin Smith's Dogma has such a heavy theological concept been portrayed so hysterically. Actually, Mercury Falls reads a bit like Dogma if it were scripted by Christopher Moore or maybe Chuck Klosterman. Kroese balances his apocalyptic subject matter with razor sharp dialogue and abundant…
Something that I've been needing to get off my chest

6 Oct 2009 | 12:27 pm

To the boys of my fifth grade class who were in attendance at Jeff Cornell?s 11th birthday party: Hey fellas! Wow, it?s been a while, hasn?t it? Let me get right to the point. I suppose you all remember Jeff Cornell?s 11th birthday party, where we slept over at his house at watched ?The Rockford Files.? I?m sure we watched other stuff too, but I specifically remember watching ?The Rockford Files? because ?The Incredible Hulk? was on at the same time. Initially we were all in agreement that we should watch ?The Incredible Hulk? because, after all, we were fifth grade boys, and what could be…

15 Minute Lunch
Reason #3,983 that I am a computer geek and not a mechanical engineer.

31 Oct 2009 | 11:14 am

It's sad, but usually when I screw something up in real life like this, my first thought is Edit, Undo.come visit http://15minutelunch.blogspot.com. We miss you.
Tall Boys and Big Mouths: Part II

28 Oct 2009 | 6:25 pm

If you missed part I, it's here. Go ahead, read it. We'll wait.OK, where were we? Oh yes, Part II. And then we got grounded. The End.No, actually I think we were stumbling drunkenly down the street, heading toward the new construction. We had cracked open two more cans and even though it was a pretty dead subdivision as far as vehicle traffic goes, we were still a little freaked out carrying cans of beer, so every time a car came, we assumed it was a cop and we'd run and hide behind a bush or a parked car.At one point we were running across a lawn trying to dodge a car, and at the last second…
No, this isn't the new post. Well, it's new, but not part II

27 Oct 2009 | 6:03 pm

Just wanted to mention that today is John Cleese's birthday. He's 70 years old, which is what - seven in dog years? I don't know, my dog math may be off. Either way, it makes me feel old because I grew up on Monty Python's Flying Circus, Fawlty Towers and the MP Movies.I am 100% certain that quotes from "The Life of Brian" and "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" are taking up valuable brain space that used to contain Linear Algebra, Calculus 1-3 and French.I say this because I can remember none of those things even though I spent five years and an enormous amount of my parent's money to learn…
Ooops. I effed up.

27 Oct 2009 | 2:06 pm

That video was old. Normally I research everything to a rediculous level, however the person who sent me the video link usually does the same thing, so I didn't double check. Apologies to everyone, and lesson learned.Something new soon.(I'm also very glad that video was old. It's insane regardless of when it aired, and embarrassing it got as far as it did before getting shot down.)come visit http://15minutelunch.blogspot.com. We miss you.
Tall Boys and Big Mouths: Part I

24 Oct 2009 | 11:11 am

After I wrote that title, I realized it sounds pretty gay but I'm leaving it. Not too long ago, I was having a conversation with a friend of mine who has two sons around the ages of 15 and 17. In the course of the conversation, I asked him if either of them had come home drunk yet. He informed me that his kids didn't do that sort of thing, and that they knew better. So I sat him down and gently explained to him that Pamela Anderson's boobs aren't real.I then told him that for the next few years, he will begin to notice a strange phenomenon. For some unknown reason, his Ketel One and Bombay…

A Whole Lot of Nothing ...and then some.
Being productive is hard. I don’t expect it to happen again soon.

Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]

5 Nov 2009 | 8:55 pm

It’s not every day that I finish my daily grind chores work and feel accomplished. Today, is one of those rare days when I feel like I finished and followed through with what I set out to do. It’s so weird. And tiring. I don’t think I’ll do it again for a few weeks days because my eyes burn and not in a good way. I’m giving away a $50 gift certificate to my store, Good for the Kids. Go, enter, take advantage of me. also… I wrote a tastylicious-ish post for Uptake about some Thanksgiving dinner buffets in Orlando. Now I’m hungry. And I’m also…
Holiday Gift-Buying Guide for Kids PLUS a Sweet Giveaway

Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]

4 Nov 2009 | 7:13 pm

You can’t run. You can’t hide. It’s coming no matter what you think you can do with your Jedi Mind Tricks. HOLIDAY SHOPPING SEASON IS HERE My store, Good for the Kids, is here to help. You’re welcome. I’ve put together a quick & easy Holiday Shopping Guide to make it super duper simple to find the best toys and gifts for your kids and the kids in your life. Again, you’re welcome. For kids from newborns to toddlers to preschoolers to young elementary kids, I have the perfect presents ready to ship for free. Yup. Free Shipping for the holidays.
This? Is not OK: Death on the Internet Edition

Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]

3 Nov 2009 | 5:59 pm

I’ve been around these here internets since the early days. Way back. Back in American Online 2.0 days. NINETEEN NINETY-FOUR I remember when my mom bought our first internet-capable computer. We were high-teching it with 14.4 kbit/s. FAST. Super-fast slow. I still hear the whining, bliping, and screeching in my dreams nightmares. It was super-cool to chat with people I’d never met. At 17, I wasn’t afraid of talking to molesters or stalkers yet. Message boards were cool. We were learning online lingo together. LOL WTF ROTF ROTFLMMFAO The basics. Since that time, social media…
It’s stupid hot here, and send your dismembered body parts for humping.

Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]

1 Nov 2009 | 3:40 pm

Hey. How’s it going? Me? I’m good. Tired, but good. (Thanks for asking!) Just got back from a trip. More on that later in the week. The kids are fine. Too smart for Patrick me. Growing like weeds. Eating like anorexic birds. Acting like monkeys. Business is slow. Like, dumb slow. Like, I-may-need-to-sell-pictures-of-my-boobies, slow. And trust me, that ain’t pretty. (If you wanna help out in any way, ie. tell your friends, buy stuff yourself, etc., I would totally hump your leg. For serious. Send me your leg, and I’ll video myself humping it. What? I can’t afford…
I’m toasty warm by choice thanks to Lane Bryant

Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]

25 Oct 2009 | 7:49 pm

Way back in September, I attended the TypeAMom conference in Asheville where it gets chilly in September. I’m not used to putting the words “September” and “chilly” in the same sentence seeing as I’m a native Floridian, so I needed to stock up on some chilly-weather clothes. Luckily, Lane Bryant once again saved me from shivering my tuckus off in the mountains. I was given a nice gift certificate to shop for some Fall weather clothes, and I’ve said it before, but I was NOT disappointed with their selection. I stayed within buying sweaters and jeans…

View from the Cloud
Mr. Know-It-All

Jeff

4 Nov 2009 | 6:31 pm

Could it be? Is it possible that Mr. Know-It-All has actually answered all of your questions? Well, I seriously doubt that, but the last time he wrote a column he only received two new ones. So I guess it's up to you now. Either leave more questions or say goodbye to this feature for good. (sniff) * * * * * Dear Mr. Know-It-All, What's the best holiday in the U.S.? - Elizabeth Dear Elizabeth, Sadly, the very best holiday in the US hasn't happened yet. But when it does you'll hear about it loud and clear. It's looking pretty good for happening this year though! * * * * * Dear Mr. Know-It-All,…
On The Road - The Barn

Jeff

30 Oct 2009 | 9:22 pm

...continued from On The Road - The Journey A funny thing has been happening over the last few months. Gravity has been starting to form around a 30 year-old event. In April I published the first chapter of my On The Road series, which highlight my early years on the road as a young musician boy-man. In chapter one, I described how I was summoned on the phone at 7 a.m. by a gruff old man named Gabe Garland, who coaxed me into driving out to Pennsylvania to join one of his magic road shows (my word, not his). In the second chapter, I relived the harrowing cross-country road trip,…
4 Ways of Looking at...

Jeff

28 Oct 2009 | 2:10 pm

Reader's Digest (no, you don't have to be "old" to read it) has a feature they refer to as "4 Ways of Looking at..." where they highlight an object from 4 different perspectives. Last month it was "4 Ways of Looking at a mask." They've been doing this for awhile now and in the past have featured such exciting subject matter as a bubble, a wall, a chair and my personal favorite... an egg. Yee-haw! I thought it would be fun and, what the hell, maybe even plagiaristic - to steal this idea for my own. Therefore, here is my take on: 4 Ways of Looking at a Trough 1. As the Bottom of the Barrel You…
Rosie and her creepy friends

Jeff

25 Oct 2009 | 5:09 pm

Last night Rosie and I went to a local "Haunted Acres" and had a ghoulishly fun time. This place had a 20 minute hay ride through the woods where scary monsters jump out at you and climb up on the wagon. Rosie was like a creep magnet for these creatures because ever single one of them decided to stop, get in her face, and stare her down before they moved on through the rest of the wagon. Perhaps it was the ear-piercing scream she let out EVERY time she saw one? Just a guess. They also had 3 haunted houses and a scary corn maze as well, all with the same premise...
So WHO exactly is trained here?

Jeff

22 Oct 2009 | 2:47 pm

Conversation between our guinea pigs: Caramel:I'm hungry Lightning: Ya... we're guinea pigs dummy. We're always hungry. Caramel: Yeah, but I'm sick of these pellets. Let's get those big people to feed us some actual vegetables. Lightning: Ok, but not that really tall guy. He doesn't understand us. We have to wait until that woman with the loud shoes comes home. Ooh... here she is now! Ready? Lightning and Caramel: Squeek, squeek... squeeeeek, squeeeeek... SQUEEEEEEEEK!!! Charli: What's that? Do I hear some piggies? Do you widdle piggy girls want some treats? Oh, here you go sweeties,…

Jokes - jokes4all.net!
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, ...

7 Nov 2009 | 4:13 am

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking.Lady 1: What's that?Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.Lady 1: Where did you get it?Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.The next day ... Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.Lady 1:…
A young blind boy is being tucked into bed by his mother. ...

7 Nov 2009 | 12:13 am

A young blind boy is being tucked into bed by his mother. The mom says "Now Billy, pray really hard tonight and tomorrow, your wish will come true!". Billy says, "Ok mommy." and goes to sleep.The next morning, Billy wakes up and screams "MOMMY! I'm still blind, my wish didn't come true!", the mom answered, "I know - April Fools!"
What happened when the gay guy put a nicotine patch on his dick? ...

6 Nov 2009 | 8:13 pm

What happened when the gay guy put a nicotine patch on his dick?He went down to two butts a day.
Howard Dean's wife held a press conference today where she announced that until ...

6 Nov 2009 | 4:13 pm

Howard Dean's wife held a press conference today where she announced that until the election is over she will shave off all her pubic hair and sit on stage with husband Howard, and wearing no panties.Astounded reporters asked what the message was, to which she replied "Read my lips. No more Bush"
What do Michael Jackson and K-Mart have in common? ...

6 Nov 2009 | 12:13 pm

What do Michael Jackson and K-Mart have in common?They both have little boys pants half-off.

Bee's Musings
♪♫ Here's the mail it never fails it makes me want to wag my tail MAIL!! ♪♫

6 Nov 2009 | 10:42 pm

So, I received my first birthday card of the year. It was from my friend Brian: Then he left the country so that I wouldn't use his head as a soccer ball. I mean, grey hair? Really? Not even if my brain turned into mush and I had to communicate like this "Waaaalgreen's hairsh dryeesh!" (sorry if that offends any of you drunkies). I have no control over wrinkles but my hair will bend to my will! Thank you, Brian! Anyway! The winner of Robert Kroese's novel, Mercury Falls, iiiiiiiiiiiis! Heather K. (who may or may not want to send me her address…
I not only hate my job but the man behind the curtain can suck it too!

5 Nov 2009 | 8:55 pm

So. I had a bad fucking day today. It started with my bank saying we never deposited my paycheck on Saturday and that was all because they couldn't tell if my Andy had written an *8* or a *9* as our account number so the idiot teller decided to toss a coin and went with the wrong number. Unfortunately for us, we couldn't find our receipt. I asked for a copy of my paycheck from OZ and Glynda and they acted as if I was trying to steal the Mona Lisa and after an hour of the 3rd degree, they relented. Then Andy called me to tell me he found the receipt so all was roses, right? Wrong. Apparently I…
Norm!

4 Nov 2009 | 7:28 pm

I was walking to the mailbox located in the building today and I saw Norm standing by the entrance. Having a lot of work to do but not really caring, I went over to say hi and see if there was anything new. Me: What's shakin bakin? Norm [looks at me sideways]: Who are you, Chuck Woolery? Me: Who? Norm: Never mind. I can smell the weather changing. Pretty soon I'm gonna have a couple of hundred people ragging on me because of the icy parking lot. Me: jerks. Norm [shrugs]: You can't please everybody. Some people complain that we drop too much salt and [uses high pitched whiney voice] their…
I am not a farmer so I hate it when people mess with my routines!

2 Nov 2009 | 7:01 pm

So, remember how I keep telling you that my work computer is virus infected so I can't go on the internet and the majority of the programs are corrupt therefore I am unable to access them anymore? I've learned to live with it for the most part but today its failings almost made me lose what's left of my mind. Wait. That deserves an exclamation point and and some capitals. WHAT'S LEFT OF MY MIND! As most of you may know, we changed the clocks this weekend. Now, Instead of waking up before the sun rises, I wake up before the sunrise. So yeah, the only difference for me is that now I have to…
Randumbness

1 Nov 2009 | 8:51 pm

So... while kids were out looking for treats this Halloween, I was finding my own treats hidden in my pots. The squirrels are going to be so pissed when they go digging for their winter snacks and oops! All gone! What? You gonna cry for the squirrels now? There is no mercy in this DOJO! ○○••○○••○○••○○••○○••○○••○○••○○••○○•• I had a doctor's appointment early on Saturday. For those of you keeping score, that's like the 100th appointment this year. She's…

Jokes - ArcaMax Publishing
Complicated Operation

A lawyer awoke in a hospital bed after a complicated operation, and found that the curtains were drawn around him. "Why are the curtains closed?" he asked. "Is it night?" A nurse replied, "No, it is just that there is a fire across the street, and we didn't want you waking up and thinking that th
Exercise Techniques

Physical exercise is good for you. We know that we should do it daily, but our bodies don't want us to do too much, so here's a program of strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise. 01) Beating around the bush 02) Jumping to conclusions 03) Climbing the walls 04) Swallowing yo
The Will

A wealthy man had a falling out with his two sons. It was serious enough that he decided to change his will. At his lawyer's office, he threw his will on the table and said, "This needs an heircut."
Pulled Over

Returning from a trip to visit my grandmother in California, I was stopped by a state trooper in Kansas for exceeding the speed limit. Grateful to have received a warning instead of a ticket, I gave him a small bag of my grandmother's delicious chocolate-chip cookies and proceeded on my way. Later
Past Stories

Offbeat Earth
Toilet Humor

admin

6 Nov 2009 | 8:01 am

Why settle for a plain white toilet in your bathroom (or, anywhere else, I suppose) when you can get one of these creative designs?
Sea Bullies

admin

5 Nov 2009 | 8:05 am

The weather is getting colder, and many of us are starting to dream of a relaxing beach vacation. Just be careful when you’re on a stroll; these sugar-crazed seagulls are not afraid to take what they want, and they clearly know how to pick their unsuspecting victims.
Economic Recovery

admin

3 Nov 2009 | 8:01 am

Does the slow recovery from the global economic meltdown have you down? Look at the bright side. Slow business? Propaganda always seemed to keep morale high and the public in check during war time. Stock market dropping? Maybe a surgical amputation is needed. If you run a ruined financial institution, like Leiman Brothers, you can always turn it into a popular tourist destination. Help boost your local florist shop’s sales with a little memorial. And who doesn’t love a little candy to take their mind off life’s problems? And as the many unemployed can tell you, every stroll…
Can’t Go Anywhere Without Your iPhone?

admin

27 Oct 2009 | 6:48 am

Still thinking about your Halloween costume for this weekend? These people took a simple approach and duplicated the media items that they just can’t live without.
Breakfast with a View

admin

26 Oct 2009 | 9:07 am

The Sydney Harbor Bridge is nicknamed the Coat Hanger due to its arch-based design. And while it’s a major hub for just about every kind of traffic you can imagine, it became a giant urban green space for a breakfast picnic last weekend. Thousands of people attended the Breakfast on the Bridge event as part of the Crave festival, one month of food, art, comedy and outdoor fun.

Standup dad
Halloween joke!

30 Oct 2009 | 3:12 pm

I think I'm going to dress as a Comcast Cable repairman for...
26 Oct 2009 | 9:03 am

26 Oct 2009 | 9:03 am

Thanks to my limited channel selection this week I have learned...
I'm still not good at school

24 Oct 2009 | 12:11 pm

I volunteered at Johnny's school yesterday. Actually that's not true....
Flying stinks sometimes

12 Sep 2009 | 10:04 pm

I'm in Cedar Rapids Iowa. Jealous? I made my second appearance on the...
Soul II Soul

9 Aug 2009 | 6:49 pm

Well my "Live at Gotham" taping went really well. I had a good set. I...

Deb on the Rocks
A Place for Everything

Deb

3 Nov 2009 | 5:36 pm

I continue to work on the de-hoarding and organizing. I'm having a hard time of it. So far I've accidentally thrown out my keys and a bag that held the day's mail and two Netflix movies, and I am having a hard time getting rid of books, because what if some evening someone visits and needs to take up the study of aromatherapy or the philosophy of Simone Weil? I might need those books. Someday.I bought some tools to help me get organized, though. In addition to plastic totes and plastic trash bags, I cashed in a gift certificate I won in a contest from Mabel's Labels. One of their product…
What Would Don Do? A Halloween Story

Deb

2 Nov 2009 | 8:11 am

Salo and I were driving around on Halloween, rubbing my debit card raw with a slew of errands.Him: Oh, we've got to get candy.Me: I don't want to give out candy.Him: Mom, we need candy.Me: But. We're both going out tonight.Him: Not until late. The little kids come at 6 or 7, that's like 3 hours of trick-or-treaters. We need candy. For the children.Me: Let's just turn out all the lights and read under the covers like last year.Him: Is that what you did last year? That's horrible. I was at Tyler's. Me: Oh, right! Um, I DID give out candy, the good kind. Okay, no I didn't. Him: That's so…
Required Writing: Make NaBloPoMo Your Bitch

Deb

1 Nov 2009 | 10:57 am

When I was completing (damn I feel compelled to use unnecessary quotations there) 5 Ways to {Blank} Your Blog I worked with fab Virtual Assistant Michele Wilcox. I sent her the sections, and she organized, proofed and formatted them for me into her design. In one of her notes to me she said something like "Um, you seem to have two chapters on NaBloPoMo. Which one do you want to use?I had written about the damned thing twice. Which either means that National Blog Posting Month is traumatic and my brain tried to protect me from remembering that I had remembered it, or that it's a Very Important…
Deb vs. Deb: Cage Fight with a Neil Diamond Soundtrack

Deb

28 Oct 2009 | 11:37 am

Yet another person is pissed at me. At least this time it's not about something I wrote about her in my book. The complainant in this case is mad about my entire website, and she wants to take possession of Deb on the Rocks.I've been having an email feud about it. Here's where it started.SUBJECT: Deb Silva Hello website owner:I assist musician Deb Silva, and it has come to my attention that some customers are confused by your website On the Rocks. Deb has a CD out called On the Rocks and this is the confused part. If you heard the name of a website "Deb On The Rocks" you would rightfully…
Hoarders is a Mirror You Want to Give Away on Freecycle

Deb

25 Oct 2009 | 7:00 pm

If I were a media buyer for any type of cleaning product, I would sink my budget big into Hoarders. Nothing--neither Internet searches for parasites nor a bonus dose of steroids nor an impending visit from your mother--will make you grab trash bags and your rubber gloves like Hoarders. Even if you don't need a team of people to come to your house with shovels and filter masks, I dare you to watch the show and not at least clean out your junk drawer or decide that two chairs in your living room are ENOUGH and the third has to go immediately. So what if it took you forever to find an Eames-ish…

DeadBrain UK
Premiership footballers to take gender tests

Masculinity of well-known players questioned.
Britain closed indefinitely due to snow

Light dusting shuts down whole country.
Car crime statistics stolen from minister's car

Latest theft from Hazel Blears.
Mugabe banned from playing cricket in UK

Tough action from Gordon Brown.
Call centres go on strike; robot overlords one step closer to domination

Empty call centres prompt downfall of human race.

Awesomely Luvvie
Discuss...

6 Nov 2009 | 7:22 am

See, I was gon have a post all ready and ERRTHANG. But then, what had happened was... mmhmm. Yup. Anyway, I do have 1 question for folks though. I've asked this before, but no one gave me a sufficient answer. Can toothless people chew on a thought?Discuss. Leave A Comment | Luvvie's IG shirts | Follow Me On Twitter
Old Man Flirt

3 Nov 2009 | 11:00 pm

A couple of weeks ago, I was exhibiting at a conference in Boofooville, USA, where I am one of few melanin-blessed people. I's minding my own bitness, sitting down behind my table on my MacBook when I hear: *clears throat* I look up to see this older Black man staring at me. This is what ensued: Me: Oh hello. Him: Hi. What does your organization do? Me: We're a nonprofit that blah blah blah Him: *staring a bit too hard at me* *kneels down on the floor so he's eye level with me* Me: *shifts a little in chair* We're based in Chicago but do regional work Him: *looking at me…
Twitter killed the celeb's star

2 Nov 2009 | 5:00 am

They say that video killed the radio star. Well, Twitter has killed the celebrity's. Ever since I joined Twitter in September 2008 (although I wasn't active on it until January 2009), it's become the place to be. *reads line* Ok that just made it sound like Twitter became IT because of me. How narcissistic of me. Too bad I don't feel like changing the sentence. But y'all know what I meant. Twitter is every publicist's worst nightmare. Publicists are meant to maintain their folks' image, and paid to make them behave and maintain a seemingly clean reputation. Now that celebs are now free to…
Halloween's here

30 Oct 2009 | 7:00 am

I sat down to write this Halloween blog post and as I started to write, I realized that it all sounded familiar. Well that's because I was plagiarizing myself. The post I was writing was almost the same as the one I wrote LAST HALLOWEEN. F my uncreative, self-plagiarizing self. So umm... I'm reposting part of the one from last year. Don't judge me! My niece, Cupcake (her nickname), went as a strawberry last year. ---- Happy Halloween, folks!! Let foolishness reign! This is a holiday that adults are jacking from the kids, because I think we have more fun than they do. Although Trick or…
BET Hip Hop Awards was Wack (it didn't disappoint)

27 Oct 2009 | 10:00 pm

So the BET Hip Hop Awards were last night, and I had to watch (especially after my sis called me to tell me she'll expect my recap in the morning. All that pressha). I did the usual and live-tweeted it. Foolery ensued. Since BET Awards was nothing but lowlights, I'mo just write this in question form. if y'all got answers, let me know. Performances *Why am I sick of seeing Jay-Z everywhere? I'm not a hater but dang. I'm kinda bored by seeing his performances everywhere. *Why doesn't The Dream have a neck? He had his collar popped and it was touching his forehead. Po' thang's chin was making…

Angry Seafood
Congratulations New York Yankees

Chris C

5 Nov 2009 | 11:31 pm

Congratulations to the New York Yankees for winning the World Series. Took you long enough. The last time the team won a World Series was 2000. That’s like forever. How long ago exactly? There are children alive who do not remember a Yankees victory parade. The Red Sox have won two world championships since the Yankees beat the Mets in 2000. Two! A black man has been elected President. Michael Jackson died. Global warming stopped warming. Guns and Roses actually released Chinese Democracy! There was no YouTube. So it’s been a long time and finally the Yankees are champions of the…
You Choose The Topic

Chris C

4 Nov 2009 | 4:00 pm

Yes that’s right. I’m ripping off VE’s idea. But not to worry because I have a hole in the sheet which means I can do just about anything. Upright Citizens Brigade Hole in the Sheet www.comedycentral.com Joke of the Day Stand-Up Comedy Free Online Games Readers and fans now it is your turn to choose the content. Here is your opportunity to tell me who or what you would like me to make fun of. Below is a poll with three topics and a fourth write-in spot for any creative people out there with an idea. The one with the most votes is the topic for the post on Monday, November…
Looking Back November 2008

Chris C

1 Nov 2009 | 3:00 am

Welcome to Looking Back, Angry Seafood’s new monthly trip into the archives. This time around we take a look back at November 2008. Bloggers Speak Bloggers Speak: Im Sure I Dont Know Part Two Bloggers Speak: Im Sure I Dont Know Part One Bloggers Speak: Muskrat Bloggers Speak: Taunt Vortex Miscellany of Humor Randomness of Humor First Thanksgiving Was A Riot Contest Winners What in The Wide World of Sports Is Going On? Win a Copy of is it me or is everything shit? Book Review: is it me or is everything shit? Oops I Did It Again Marketing Madness Two Trick or Treating in a Liberal Town…
Angry Seafood Turns Two Years Old

Chris C

28 Oct 2009 | 4:02 pm

October 28, 2007. A date that will live in infamy. Well not the war kind of infamy unless you mean an undeclared conflict on the dumbest hobby ever, Contact Juggling. (So far there have been two battles and I’m pretty sure I’m winning.) Infamy as in the day I started Angry Seafood two years ago, unleashing my cynical viewpoints and odd sense of humor upon humanity. Like a rip in the space-time continuum this blog brought down the standards and decency of the entire humor blog universe, something that can never be repaired. I think that was noticeable early on, in the days when the…
Steve Phillips You Disappoint Me

Chris C

22 Oct 2009 | 4:00 am

Steve what the hell happened? You cheated on your beautiful wife with Brooke Hundley? Yeesh. You are a celebrity for crying out loud and celebs don’t date ugly, even when they are cheating. If Brad Pitt suddenly started dating Sandra Bernhard every woman reading US Magazine would be thinking “eeewwwwww” and “wtf??” and “I thought she was a lesbian?” You tried though by picking someone who’s a bit on the crazy side: Marni Phillips called police Aug. 19 when she came home to find Hundley in her driveway. “I knew instinctively that this was the woman Steve was involved with and…

JokesAreAwesome.com 25 Top Jokes
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? ...

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo Drizzle
A man walked into a bar and sat down, ...

A man walked into a bar and sat down, ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer,he heard a soothing voice say, "Nice tie!" Looking around he noticed that thebar was empty except for himself and the bartender. A few sips later thevoice said, "Beautiful shirt." At this, the man called the bartender over."Hey, I must be losing my mind," he told the bartender. "I keep hearingthese voices saying nice things, and there's not a soul in here but us.""It's the peanuts," answered the bartender. "They're complimentary."
How do you catch a green elephant? Pai...

How do you catch a green elephant? Paint him red and catch him with the red elephant trap.
What does an apple and an apple tree h...

What does an apple and an apple tree have in common? They both don't drive tractors.
A club sandwich walks into a bar. The...

A club sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, we don'tserve food here."

EveryJoe » Computers
MSNBC Twitter Account Hacked

Jason Bean

6 Nov 2009 | 2:38 pm

If you’re quick, you should go follow @MSNBCHeadlines on twitter. They’ve had their account hacked and let’s just say the person that’s in control of the account is having a little fun with the media outlet. I’m not sure how it is all these accounts on twitter have been getting hacked so prolifically lately. I don’t think all of these people have simple passwords that are getting cracked, so what’s happening? Are there machines infected with other malware that’s collecting login information? Aside from the major PR issues that a entity like…
Display Access Design View Forms on Top

Jason Bean

6 Nov 2009 | 5:52 am

I continue to do more and more development within Microsoft Access 2007. I’m still learning the ropes on how to do stuff but there’s something we’ve come across that is an extreme annoyance and it seems like a pretty obvious fix and solution. We are working on a variety of applications that consist of a number of data entry forms and displays. While troubleshooting the applications and adding features, sometimes you need to pop open the form in Access Design View and make some changes. Because the form you’re working on is dependent on some of the other forms that are…
Stuck Between a Nook and a Kindle

Jason Bean

3 Nov 2009 | 6:21 pm

One of the items on my Christmas wish list for last year was an Amazon Kindle. I still don’t have one, and probably for the better because they’ve come out with a larger format version in the Kindle DX. Now there’s another player in the market with Barnes & Noble releasing their eBook reader, the Nook. The images above are not to scale of each other, but the center image is the Kindle DX which you can tell is much larger, just using the scale of the person’s hands (that is unless that got some tiny person to use as a hand model). The reason I’m more…
Setting Your Google Search Preferences

Jason Bean

2 Nov 2009 | 6:38 pm

This post may be pretty basic for many people but I’ve decided I should write-up a quick article about it anyway. I frequently come into contact with people who love using Google and have it set as their default search engine, yet they don’t customize it to their preferences. There are a variety of settings you can set to tell Google search to act the way you want it to act. If you want to access all of these options, just look for the “Settings” link in the top, right-hand corner of the screen on the main Google search page. Interface Language – what language do…
Stop the QuickTime Prompts on Firefox

Jason Bean

2 Nov 2009 | 6:17 pm

For quite some time I’ve had a personal software rule that I would no longer install Apple software on my laptop PC. No iTunes or QuickTime for me. The reason I made that decision is because of the problem I’m having now. There are a couple of websites I use regularly that continually wanted me to install the QuickTime application so I could enjoy the website in all its glory. I finally caved in and decided to give QuickTime another try. Then I kept getting updates and updates that kept wanting me to install iTunes and Safari along with my QuickTime updates. It just gets annoying…

Can O' Whup-Ass
Vi Blattner's Wild Ride: A Totally True Story

Whup-Ass Master

1 Nov 2009 | 3:49 pm

As devoted readers recall, our retarded childhood was set in a lovely mountain town. Think "Stand by Me" without Kiefer Sutherland or train tracks (albeit leeches played an unfortunate cameo). We were lucky enough to live within walking distance to...
A Letter to Tanya C. Butz, Outraged Virginia Woman

Whup-Ass Master

24 Oct 2009 | 11:09 am

Dear Outraged Virginia Woman, First, since your name is missing from every account we could find, we've decided your name is Tanya C. Butz. According to the story, early one morning you were walking your sensitive son to school when...
Olly-Olly-Oxenfree!!

Whup-Ass Master

18 Oct 2009 | 4:45 pm

When we sat down today to blog (an verb which sounds like it should involve a magazine and a roll of charmin), we couldn't decide which ass to whup. There's so many to choose from. There's the classy gal who...
Spamtasm: Whupassa Stuart Masterson Responds to Pastor Paul Ojegbekilo

Whup-Ass Master

11 Oct 2009 | 1:41 pm

Like you, dear readers, from time to time WAM's gorgeous spam-box is stuffed to the gills with kindly letters from totally well-meaning Nigerians who are simply DYING to help us deposit a gazillion dollars in our checking account (if we'd...
Introducing: The Confess-o-Matic!!

Whup-Ass Master

4 Oct 2009 | 2:11 pm

Confessing is in. It's the thing to do (rehab is SO 2007!). These days it seems you can't swing a dead cat without hitting some celebrity, politician, or chat show host in the midst of a very public mea culpa,...

Barefoot Foodie
Sticking it to the man…who happens to be my mom…who was actually totally right…damn it. This is less fun than I thought it would be.

barefootfoodie

6 Nov 2009 | 1:09 pm

When I was little, I wanted NOTHING more that to take a bubble bath with Mr. Bubble. According to the commercials, the bubbles Mr. Bubble produced? Fucking bananas. But, my mom was, like, Joan Crawford about the Mr. Bubble. Nyet Mr. Bubble. She was like, girls can’t use stuff like that, so, naturally, I was convinced it was made with pedophile sperm, and took her at her word. I mean, the temptation was there, but I was a kid, and who the fuck wants to see an eight year old in maternity pants? Actually…I do. But only because I bet their little bellies are adorable. Anyways,…
Taking a shower helps when you are dirty on the outside, but what about the inside? And no one say bulimia, because puking makes me pee my pants, and I am down to my last pair of panties. Also, how hot is the word panties?

barefootfoodie

2 Nov 2009 | 8:28 pm

OMG I am home. At last. And now, I can relax and go back to posting on a not at all consistent basis! YAY! So anyways, yes. I went to Boston and New York. By way of airplane. And I lived to talk about it. BARELY. It was totally touch and go for a while, there. I sweated so bad the whole plane ride, I am pretty sure my seat was wet. I think I carry all my tension in my ass. So yes. Boston was lovely. Would have been lovelier if James Spader was still practicing law there, but you can’t win them all, and I was there for work, not having sex with the creepy boss from The…
Sometimes movies totally lie about what cities are like in real life. Except for Debbie Does Dallas, because that was totally accurate.

barefootfoodie

27 Oct 2009 | 5:11 pm

Ok so, I am here. In New York City. It’s super big and kinda smells like pee. And meth. I’m not gonna lie, I got into my hotel, took off my bra, and spent the next 30 minutes sitting in the bathtub begging my husband to come get me on the phone. Like, fucking now, OMG, I watch Law & Order, and this shit never ends well. People die. And, they have to solve the crime by rifling through my underwear, and none of that shit is hot anymore. It’s big. And the elastic is all stringy. And they smell like the pizza I ate earlier while sitting on the bed watching Cash…
H1N1: A love story.

barefootfoodie

21 Oct 2009 | 1:22 pm

Ok, so here is the deal. I seldom get all mommy up in here. This is my place. For my life stories. Sometimes the stories are about me being a parent, mostly they are about me being an asshole. In fact, not a week ago, I would have written some scathing post about that ballsack of a father that creepy, Village of the Damned balloon kid has. Or about my dad’s recent decision to conduct his daily business in denim overalls. Or even about this old boyfriend I had that I caught in bed with a stripper named Shauna, whose entire upper lip is now just one giant, oozey herpe sore, and I am…
Jesus doesn’t frown on a lot of things, but I am pretty sure he hates airplanes. And the new Melrose Place. That show is horrible.

barefootfoodie

16 Oct 2009 | 7:18 am

Next week I leave. On an airplane. This? Is where I convulse, shake uncontrollably, and then vomit on my keyboard. I just don’t think it’s natural for things to be floating in the air. Back in the 80’s, when the news was all, we’re all gonna have flying cars by the year 2000, I was like, no thank you. I’m scared enough driving on the road, the thought of driving in the air is out of the question. I totally don’t even car if I am the only one who doesn’t have a floating car. I’ll be like that weird neighbor who insists on riding his bike…

Life Just Keeps Getting Weirder.
You've Got Mail!

27 Oct 2009 | 8:00 pm

An Emailto the Principal ofQuark Horizon ElementaryMrs. Roberta OgilthorvinPrincipalQuark Horizon ElementarySanta Monica, CaliforniaDear Mrs. Ogilthorvin,Thank you for the opportunity to explain the unfortunate exchanges that transpired in your absence at last week’s PTA meeting and to rebut the inflammatory complaints lodged against me by a number of parents and staff in attendance. I know you are eager to resolve this fracas, particularly in light of the fact that Quark Horizon will be making a third run at accreditation next week and the last thing we need is more picketers. (As an…
I Scream, You Scream...

22 Oct 2009 | 5:00 am

We All Scream For MyPheme(.com)!I'm excited to say that a piece I wrote called "Hair: The Non-Musical" has just debuted as a Featured Essay on MyPheme.com.What's MyPheme, you ask? I will tell you now.[ahem]MyPheme.com is a brand new and very cool humor site whose mission is to tell it like it is. They also have a sassy broad in their banner. Both of these facts appeal mightily to me.I hope you'll take a moment to slide over there and read the essay. I can't make specific promises, but it's highly likely that doing so will increase your personal chi, give you six-pack abs and elevate you to…
I Just Adore A Penthouse View

7 Oct 2009 | 5:01 am

She's Still ZsaZsa From The Block.We've finally succeeded in convincing my mom to move from the suburbs [insert crickets here] into the throbbing, mind-blowingly exciting metropolis of three blocks from us. I know. It'll be great to have ZsaZsa (not my mom's real name) right around a couple of corners after decades of living almost an hour away.Naturally, I helped her find a new pad - specifically, an apartment. Which is how I learned:Lesson #1:Looking for an apartment for your mom is very different than looking for one for yourself.Corollary to Lesson #1: I have lived in many a dunghole in…
Always Home and Unbowed

1 Oct 2009 | 6:38 pm

I am proud to be among the 98 bloggers teaming up with our friend Kevin at Always Home and Uncool for a simultaneous posting to help raise awareness in the blogosphere of juvenile myositis, a rare autoimmune disease his daughter was diagnosed with on this day seven years ago. The day also happens to be his wife's birthday.I hope you'll take a moment to read Kevin's story in his own words below. Thank you.Our pediatrician admitted it early on.The rash on our 2-year-old daughter's cheeks, joints and legs was something he'd never seen before.The next doctor wouldn't admit to not knowing.He…
My Son Gomez: Jedi d'Amour

8 Sep 2009 | 7:00 am

Fourth Grade Ladies: You've Been Warned.More forceful than a Gungan energy ball...More alluring than a Clawdite shape-shifter...More savage than a Wookiee with low blood sugar...And yet...Romantic as Endor's emerald moonshine...Playful as an RV full of Ewoks...Smooth as Lando Calrissian's mustache...Because babe-magnet is your destiny...STAR WARS COLOGNESmell The Force. Go see what the hilarious Jessica Bern is doing to promote ovarian cancer awareness. After you've blown Mountain Dew out your nose at her priceless impersonation of "Aunt Flo," take a moment to go here and register with the…

All Funny Pictures
Over 60

4 Nov 2009 | 11:52 am

- Some important tips for growing older
Vicious Dog

4 Nov 2009 | 11:50 am

- Everyone needs a pet
Halloween Funnies

27 Oct 2009 | 2:28 pm

- A great collection of scary videos
The Tie

20 Oct 2009 | 12:03 pm

- A thirsty young man stumbles through the desert
Big Fighter

20 Oct 2009 | 12:00 pm

- Someone screwed up at the weigh-in

AmyOops
"No cheeseburger for me. I'll just get some Doritos."

6 Nov 2009 | 6:39 pm

Somebody get him away from the hot dogs, too. [via]
For the Army..

6 Nov 2009 | 3:19 am

Here is a neat Photo Easy of watching a boy become a man, in the army life. Click Here Click to see picture
Need a drink?

6 Nov 2009 | 3:13 am

Click to see picture via
kung fu baby

6 Nov 2009 | 3:11 am

via Click to see picture
car names explained

6 Nov 2009 | 3:04 am

# Audi * Always Unsafe Designs Implemented # BMW * Big Money Works * Bought My Wife * Brutal Money Waster * Bimbette Motor Weapon * Break My Window # Buick * Big Ugly Indestructible Car...

ComedyJuice.com
We Are Douchbags

ComedyJuice

6 Nov 2009 | 12:41 pm

From Wikipedia: A reclaimed word is a word in a language that was at one time a pejorative but has been brought back into acceptable usage--usually starting within the communities that experienced oppression under that word, but often also among the general populace as well. Written & Directed by Mike Litzenberg & Bridge Stuart Actors: John Gammon, Jordan Laesch, Mike Litzenberg, Scott Rowan, Bridge Stuart, Katie Farrell, Esmeralda Leon, Phil Potter, Lacey Sellers Director of Photography: Daniel Ainsworth Sound: Ian Blackman & Wes Dewberry Produced by David Cronin Music by Holly Amber Church…
Adam Ray: MTV's Super-Fan

ComedyJuice

5 Nov 2009 | 3:23 pm

MTV'S "SUPER-FAN" gives one lucky boy the chance to meet his favorite soap star. MTV'S "SUPER-FAN" - watch more funny videos
Milk Men - A Mad Men Parody

ComedyJuice

5 Nov 2009 | 11:52 am

This season on Milk Men, get ready for history, style, passion and drama, all delivered right to your doorstep. Sidecar Comedy presents a note perfect parody of the hit show Mad Men, where milk is delivered, passions run deep, and it all looks like the 60s. Milk Men - A Mad Men ParodyAtom.com: Funny Videos | Spoofs | TV & Movie Spoofs
Thurs Nov 5 Ice House Pasadena: Ben Morrison, K-Von, John Huck, Momo Rodriguez & More!

ComedyJuice

4 Nov 2009 | 4:51 pm
Wed Nov 4 Hollywood Improv: Ben Gleib, Moshe Kasher, Ali Wong, Daryl Wright, Jay Larson, Asif Ali & More!

ComedyJuice

4 Nov 2009 | 4:36 pm

New Statesman
"Jesus was a leftie"

6 Nov 2009 | 9:37 am

So says Daily Mail star writer. Why will that annoy lefties so much?
Quote of the Week!

6 Nov 2009 | 9:28 am

Coming all the way from Idaho
Q&A: Duncan Bannatyne

6 Nov 2009 | 8:30 am

The entrepreneur discusses his philanthropy and anti-smoking campaigning
Shlomo Sand in conversation with the New Statesman

6 Nov 2009 | 7:48 am

The Invention of the Jewish People
Horrific shooting at Fort Hood

6 Nov 2009 | 4:37 am

What does this mean for America's Muslim soldiers?

Prefers Her Fantasy Life
Transvestites, Transgenders and Transitive Verbs

3 Nov 2009 | 4:51 pm

As I mentioned I'm teaching at a two-year college that offers an associates degree in Medical Administrative Assistance. We have a strict dress code where students are required to wear scrubs and white sports shoes. Their hair must be a "natural" color--no bright reds or blues--and they must cover all facial piercings and tattoos.Our security guard gets a bit overzealous in issuing dress code violations to the students. Funny thing is, he's a "by-the-books" security guard by day. But by night, he's a flaming red-haired cross dresser. Yes, he...ur...she's brought me my coffee at Big Boy on…
An Open Letter To My One Finger-Typing Student

27 Oct 2009 | 4:42 pm

I am so sorry I leaned over you and began typing words to your email sign-up questions.I felt it my obligation to get the class over with by Thanksgiving.I also apologize for grabbing the mouse from you. I assumed everyone knew that you had to position it on a field and click in order for it to work.And when you couldn't create your email address because of the common name "Floyd Jones," I thought you knew I was kidding when I told you to try "Pink Floyd Jones."In spite of our getting off on the wrong appendage, I greatly admire you. You have 8 kids and two day jobs, and you're spending your…
Nothing Comes Between Me and My Jeff Tweedy

19 Oct 2009 | 7:10 pm

Not even the fact that soon-to-be-ex took his girlfriend to the concert,or that my date, 6 foot and gorgeous, was my 14-year old daughter.Not the fact we had to sequester ourselves from our mutual friends at dinner so no one felt awkward. And if I sound bitter here, that's because I am, you mutual friends.Or the Noodles and Company restaurant which Daughter picked out of all the great places to eat in Ann Arbor.Or the fact that Noodles and Company doesn't sell alcohol.Or that Hill Auditorium in The Peoples' Republic of Ann Arbor, home of the Hash Bash, does not sell alcohol.Nor the fact that…
Why I Prefer My Fantasy Life #119

13 Oct 2009 | 6:19 pm

Did I mention I hate English teachers?Did I mention I am an English teacher?Last week I was hired as a full-time instructor at a small two-year college. I don't mind the teaching so much. But in my fantasy life I'd have students that didn't come late, leave early, and talk on their cell phones the short amount of time they were in class.In my fantasy life, most of my students would have a high school diploma. And know how to write a simple sentence. And use a computer. And not have kids. Or criminal records.In my fantasy life, I'd be on a campus where they didn't have two security guards, one…
Thinking Outside The Six Pack

6 Oct 2009 | 2:59 pm

My previous post included my persuasive arguments for Teen Son on driving and drinking. Seems now I need to talk to Teen Daughter. I had a few drinks at a party the other night and asked a friend to take me home. Daughter wanted to know why I didn't drive myself home."Because I don't drink and drive," I told her. "Mom," she said, put off. "You don't have to do that. You just put down the drink and then keep both hands on the steering wheel."Why didn't I think of that?posted at Humor-BlogsSubscribe in a reader

TheSpoof.com : Spoof News : Front Page
Brad Pitt Confesses To Larry King He Is Going To Take Jennifer Aniston Back

LOS ANGELES - Brad Pitt has just dropped a bombshell on the Larry King Live Show. He has informed Larry that he has gotten so tired of Angelina Jolie's constant nagging that he wants to get back with his ex-wife Jennifer in the worst way. Brad sai...
Breckenridge, Colorado Voters Approve Legalizing Marijuana

BRECKENRIDGE, Colorado - The Rocky Mountain town of Breckenridge, Colorado has just become the most map quested town in the entire world with tens of thousands of visitors expected to flock in from California alone. Breckenridge voters voted by a...
Lindsay Lohan is scaring Samantha Ronson with her hole

Lindsay Lohan said she is not allowed to be around Samantha Ronson because Ronson never enjoyed the lesbian sex. Lindsay Lohan says she has a hole in her life and wants Ronson to fill it. Lohan complains she does not like living alone without Ron...
Official Michael Jackson coroner's photos released with shocking revelations!

The Los Angeles Coroner's office released the final photos and official death certificate for the late pop star, Michael Jackson. Jackson, age 53, was found dead in his Los Angeles mansion on July 8th after attempts by his personal physician to re...
Cheryl Cole Only 5' 3" (63") Tall Shocker

Shocking revelations today here in London when it was revealed that X-Factor judge and chart topper who mimes to her latest 'hit' live, allegedly, Cheryl Cole was revealed to stand only 5' 3" tall, according to critics. The medium of film and tele...

AskMen.com - JOKES
Finding Jesus

Party animal? Player? Couch potato? No matter what your lifestyle, we'll poke fun at you.
Bad Habits

The world of relationships is a big, confusing place - so why not have a chuckle about it?
Lady and #8217;s Tees

We aren't throwing any curve balls here; we're stepping up to the plate with these laugh-out-loud sports jokes.
Blonde Fishermen

Blonde jokes never get old. Here's your chance to laugh at the expense of this follicular-challenged group of ladies.
Silent Burglar

Blonde jokes never get old. Here's your chance to laugh at the expense of this follicular-challenged group of ladies.

Daily Jokes Comedy Funny Humor
How To Tell If A Redneck Has Been Working On A Computer

sahil

3 Nov 2009 | 3:13 am

10. The monitor is up on blocks. 9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them. 8. The six front keys have rotted out. 7. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them. 6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six. 5. The password is “Bubba”. 4. The CPU has a gun rack mount. 3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive. 2. The keyboard is camouflaged. And, The Number One Way To Tell If A Redneck Has Been Working On A Computer… The mouse is referred to as a “critter”. Related posts:Computer Crashed My computer crashed and died today And I thought,…
‘True’ Doctor Stories

sahil

3 Nov 2009 | 3:12 am

“At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall. “Big breaths,” I instructed. “Yes, they used to be,” remorsed the patient.” “One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a “massive internal fart,” “I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed…
Dangerous Blow Job

sahil

3 Nov 2009 | 3:11 am

A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons. “I’ll make you a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He’ll then open his mouth and I’ll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.” The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator’s open mouth. The…
Irish Drunks

sahil

3 Nov 2009 | 3:10 am

A man walks into a pub. He greets the barman and orders a pint. As the barman draws it, the man begins to hear two noisy young men at the end of the bar. “What county did you say you where from?” asked the first. “Why, County Clare.” the second replied. “Well, I’ll be damned! I’m from County Clare, too! What town?” “Why, I’m from Ennis.” “I’ll be damned! I’m from Ennis, too! What parish are you from?’ “Saint Francis.” “Well, I’ll be damned! I belonged to Saint Francis’,…
Two Parrots

sahil

3 Nov 2009 | 3:09 am

This lady approaches a priest and tells him, “Father, I these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing: ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?’ ” “That’s terrible!” the priest exclaimed, “but I have a solution to your problem. You can put them with my two male talking parrots. I taught them to read the bible and pray the rosary.” The lady brings over her parrots and puts them in the priest’s cage. “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?” they say. One…

MedWorm Tags: jokes
It must be time for Friday Funnies!

22 Oct 2009 | 3:27 pm

I can heave a sigh of relief, because draft number two (hopefully final draft) of the PhD proposal is off to be reviewed…if I only didn’t ask so many questions of myself I’m sure it would be easier! So, time to chill out and bit and start the process of relaxing before Labour Weekend. (Source: HealthSkills Weblog)
Friday funnies

1 Oct 2009 | 10:39 am

I just read this on Psychology of Pain: 13 Things You Don’t Say to People with Chronic Pain 1. You don’t look sick. 2. Maybe if you just got out more. 3. You can learn to live with it. 4. You just have to tough it out. 5. It’s all in your head. 6. You’re just having a bad day. 7. This will pass. 8. Just get more exercise. 9. It can’t be that bad. 10. It must be neat not to work. 11. Just be more positive. 12. It could be worse. 13. There’s people worse off than you . Yep, I think I’d inflict pain on anyone who said any of these to me. I got this one…
An amazing medical sentence...

26 Jul 2009 | 10:03 am

What the hell.“I do not know where family doctors acquired illegibly perplexing handwriting nevertheless, extraordinary pharmaceutical intellectuality counterbalancing indecipherability, transcendentalizes intercommunications incomprehensibleness”.This is a sentence where the Nth word is N letters long.e.g. 3rd word is 3 letters long, 8th word is 8 letters long and so on. (Source: All Scrubbed Up)
Friday funnies!

25 Jun 2009 | 9:31 pm

And sadly, this one too… I will not even start on the Michael Jackson or Farrah Fawcett jokes… but leave you with this one, and would you believe, Manly Jack sent it to me so I could check whether I had swine flu? Don’t go to work if this is what YOU see in the mirror tomorrow morning… (Source: HealthSkills Weblog)
The Slice 'n Dice. Surgical Cartoons #3

21 Jun 2009 | 8:55 am

Har! Har! From AHAJokes... (Source: All Scrubbed Up)

JokesAreAwesome.com Latest Jokes
why did the cow cross the road? becaus...

why did the cow cross the road? because he wanted the good grass
There are these three women A redhead a...

There are these three women A redhead a brunette and a blonde. And they start to talk about their daughters. The red head says "you know i caught my daughter with cigars i did not know she smoked!" then the brunette says " I know! i found booze in my daughters room i didnt know mine drank!" then the blonde says.."OMG i like totally know where ur coming form OMG, i found like these these ummm condoms!? in my daughters room...like OMG i didnt know she had *whispers* a penisssss"
Where can you buy a 3 headed flying pur...

Where can you buy a 3 headed flying purple camel with 74 noses? Ebay.
why couldnt the teddy bear eat any more...

why couldnt the teddy bear eat any more thanksgiving dinner? he was already stuffed!
whats a ghost's favorite fruit? boober...

whats a ghost's favorite fruit? booberries!

Nanny Goats in Panties
Maybe I Just Have a Hole in My Lip

Nanny Goats In Panties

5 Nov 2009 | 3:20 pm

Have you ever had the feeling that any minute now, love will find a way? That the answer is just blowing in the wind? That bananas will remain yellow for more than 28 hours in the fruit bowl on the kitchen counter after you've brought them home from the grocery store? Yeah, me neither. You would think that after forty-some-odd years, I would acknowledge my drinking problem and stop wearing white clothes out to dinner. Upon my second sip of some Pinot Noir at Roxy the other night, I gave up trying to taste the wine, and decided it was far more important to wear it. I need an intervention,…
Goat Thing of the Day: Thunderboxes

Nanny Goats In Panties

4 Nov 2009 | 11:51 am

You know, for the life of me, I can't figure out why an outhouse would be called a Thunderbox, but here you go. (via Sparky of My Thoughts Exactly) Somebody said seeing this one might give me a clue. Nope. Still don't get it. FYI: These outhouses were part of a traveling art project earlier this year called Thunderbox Road.
It's Not Easy Being Green

Nanny Goats In Panties

2 Nov 2009 | 3:43 pm

I can't stand it when I order a single pea pod by mail and Peas Pods R Us insist on sending it a box the size of a small rhino. It's so wasteful. Earlier this year in Hawaii, I arrived at the car rental place just wanting to get to the condo after a long flight. I grabbed the keys from the car rental lady, not paying much attention when she said, "This is all we had". I was just hoping it wasn't a motorcycle, since there were three of us. Counting parking space numbers, I was disheartened to see this in our designated space. photo credit Yep. That's a Hummer H3, all right. Navigating a…
Goat Thing of the Day: Haiti

Nanny Goats In Panties

31 Oct 2009 | 8:12 pm

Sometimes I just drown in the goat stuff you guys send me. So while I did save this first photo, I can't for the life of me find its source link, although I do know that it was in some Florida newspaper, it was about goats going to help Haiti and that the photo was taken by one David Tucker. Oh, and that it was sent to me by my friend Dane. Hello there! Goats sure like to ham, don't they? Or is it pigs? Anyway, if we're on the subject of Haiti (and I believe we are), Owen from Magic Lantern went to Haiti in 1997 and showed me his goat photos like this piece of Haitian folk art made of iron: I…
Of Grandmas and Chocolate

Nanny Goats In Panties

29 Oct 2009 | 2:44 pm

I was born with a plastic spoon in my mouth. So my palate wasn't exactly...evolved. When I was a kid I hated German chocolate cake. Actually, I didn't like chocolate at all, but add that funky coconut or whatever it was that made a cake German chocolate and.....BLEH! My favorite cake was yellow cake with vanilla frosting. The same thing with ice cream. My favorite flavor was vanilla. Plain old vanilla. Or maybe sometimes strawberry. But never chocolate! And leave the nuts off the sundaes, please. Also? I didn't like the taste of coffee as a kid. So forget coffee candy or the ick of icks: rum…

Jokes Palace
Somebody Call The Cops

Jerkoff

6 Nov 2009 | 2:32 pm
Young Woman Named Sally Limerick

Jerkoff

3 Nov 2009 | 4:10 am

There was a young woman named Sally, who loved an occasional dally, she sat on the lap, of a well endowed chap, and said “You’re right up my alley!”
You Meant To Say Joke

Jerkoff

2 Nov 2009 | 6:14 am

Two guys are drinking at a bar. The first says “Do you ever start thinking about something, and when you go to talk, you say something you don’t mean?” The second guy replies “Yeah, I was at the airport buying plane tickets, and the chick behind the counter had these huge tits. So instead of asking her for ‘two tickets to Pittsburgh’ I asked for ‘two tickets to Titsburgh’”. The first guy says, “Yeah, well I was having breakfast with my wife last week, and instead of saying ‘Honey, could you please pass me the sugar?’ I…
Slippery Dick

Jerkoff

30 Oct 2009 | 3:31 pm
Honeymoon Couple Joke

Jerkoff

27 Oct 2009 | 6:29 pm

Mark and Angela go on their honeymoon; and Mark spends hours of the honeymoon night eating Angela’s pussy. The next afternoon, they go to an Italian restaurant. During their meal Mark suddenly freaks out screaming “Waiter! Waiter! Come over here!” The waiter promptly runs over to the table and asks, “Can I help you, sir?” Mark yells, “There’s a hair in my spaghetti! Get it the fuck out of here!” The waiter apologizes profusely as he quickly takes the spaghetti away. Angela looks over at Mark, shaking her head, and whispers “What a…

RHF Jokes of the Day
Unintended consequences

From jay_k@jkr.org on [Jul 30]: Keywords smirk, sexual
Michael Jackson tribute

From Funny Guy on [Jun 26]: Keywords chuckle
Yet Another Golf Joke

From email_redacted@example.com on [Jun 18]: Keywords smirk, heard it
A gross riddle

From jpt@psanet.biz on [May 9]: Keywords doubt it
Mom and Dad

From Steve W. on [Apr 9]: Keywords smirk, offense=everybody, rot13, sexual, sick

The Good, Clean Funnies List
Army Training

gcfl@gcfl.net

5 Nov 2009 | 11:00 pm

Our army physical-training program requires us to run two miles every other day in platoon formation. Being somewhat older than the other soldiers, I have trouble running faster than a ten-minute mile. During a recent run, I was finding it difficult to complete the two miles without stopping, so I raised my hands high above my head to expand my diaphragm and gain my second wind. Suddenly I heard a voice from behind me say, "Forget it, sergeant, we don't take prisoners." --Contributed to Reader's Digest, "Humor In Uniform," by Lorrie Coffman Received from Ed.
Bluenecks: Northerners (Opposite of Rednecks)

gcfl@gcfl.net

4 Nov 2009 | 11:00 pm

YOU JUST MIGHT BE A BLUENECK IF... - Instead of referring to two or more people as "Y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women. - You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside." - You think Heinz Ketchup is REALLY SPICY. - You would never stop to buy something somebody was cooking on the side of the road. - You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly. - You don't know what a moon pie is. - You've never had an RC Cola. - You've never, ever eaten okra -- fried, boiled, or pickled. - You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork. - You've…
Chemist Memory

gcfl@gcfl.net

3 Nov 2009 | 11:00 pm

A chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, "Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?" "You mean aspirin?" asked the pharmacist. "That's it; I can never remember that word." Received from ArcaMax Jokes.
Rough Country Road

gcfl@gcfl.net

2 Nov 2009 | 11:00 pm

I was driving my father and grandfather down a rough country road. My inexperience in handling Grandpa's four-wheel-drive vehicle made for a particularly bouncy ride. Embarrassed, I offered a lame excuse, "The sun shadows through the trees make it hard for me to see all the potholes." "Don't worry, Matt," Grandpa said. "You're gettin' most of 'em." - submitted to Reader's Digest by Mathew Walker
Break In

gcfl@gcfl.net

1 Nov 2009 | 11:00 pm

A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant. "No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!" Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

The Skwib
The worst toilet in Switzerland

Mark A. Rayner

6 Nov 2009 | 7:01 am

Having recently watched Trainspotting, I was struck by how funny (and then disgusting) the “worst toilet in Scotland” scene was. So, that toilet wins for nasty. I think we have to give the prize for frightening to this toilet hanging over a precipice in the Swiss Alps. Now, what the photo doesn’t show very well is the dangers of approaching the summit from this face of the mountain. In addition to bad weather, avalanches and deranged goats, this approach has the added danger of being sluiced on by exhausted climbers who’ve made it to the bivvy above. Alltop and…
Ask General Kang: Do you enjoy daylight savings time?

Mark A. Rayner

5 Nov 2009 | 5:29 am

Yes, of course. There’s nothing I enjoy more than having to reset my body’s circadian rhythms because of your human delusion that you control things. Most of you can barely operate your own crude technologies properly (put up your hands if you know how to stop your PC from launching Outlook), so I love the farce that is daylight savings time. Ooo, look at us humans, we’re the masters of time and space. We can set the clock back. We can set it forward. We call the shots. I haven’t seen a species as delusional since I conquered the Do These Pants Make Me Look Fat…
The Button

Mark A. Rayner

4 Nov 2009 | 3:21 am

An interesting update on the controversial Milgram experiment, but instead of an authority figure, we have one million dollars. And instead of an actor pretending to be shocked, we have nameless, distant, hypothetical dead people: The Button – watch more funny videos Alltop and humor-blogs.com have no problem inflicting pain … and funny.
Webmonkee creates book trailer for Marvellous Hairy

Mark A. Rayner

3 Nov 2009 | 6:26 am

On the off-chance you didn’t catch this on my author’s page, you should check out the video Webmonkees created for Marvellous Hairy: Practical Applications of the Infinite Monkey Theorem: Click here to view the embedded video. If the embedded link doesn’t work, you can find it at YouTube, or even better, check it out in the large format at Webmonkees! Alltop and humor-blogs-com also have an infinite number of keyboards at their disposal.
Ubiquity Twelve and the Follicle Twins

Mark A. Rayner

2 Nov 2009 | 3:09 am

Ubiquity Twelve was having a bad trip. His phrenologist had told him not to drop acid, but the consummate rebel wouldn’t listen. “Mr. Twelve, with your malformed cranium and its occlusions, it is just not safe for you to ingest psychotropic substances and certainly not massive doses of them,” the quack had said. “You could suffer from explosive nasal protuberances, and perhaps even cerebral exo-location!” But the bastard hadn’t said anything about bad hair. About the Photographer: Toulouse Le Grandfig was a surrealist painter, photographer and writer who…

Humor pictures
Comedy pictures-Experiment with angles

Mitesh Asher

7 Nov 2009 | 12:02 am
Animal humor-"Milking" the cat

Mitesh Asher

7 Nov 2009 | 12:01 am
Adult humor pictures-Birthday cake

Mitesh Asher

6 Nov 2009 | 12:02 am
Funny pictures of people-Bad fall!

Mitesh Asher

6 Nov 2009 | 12:02 am
Really funny pictures-Not happy with the underwear!

Mitesh Asher

6 Nov 2009 | 12:01 am

Motherwise Cracks
What Have I told You About Backup and Restore?

Mary

5 Nov 2009 | 5:15 am

I was sent on a mission. My daughter’s computer died and I was to get the system restore disks to her. Following the directions to find them in her things was like being on a Lewis and Clark expedition, but I found the box in her closet. No disks in the box. As I read the manual, I noted she was supposed to burn them first thing. (Note: way computer companies save money is not including the CD and just adding the files for you to burn, IF you do so.) Well, she was “disappointed” but I saw in the manual how to reset it but lose some information and sent her a pdf of the…
Will I Lose My $100?

Mary

31 Oct 2009 | 7:57 am

I haven’t decided. Just like I haven’t decided if I am going to give up my high fat Greek yogurt or not. My daughter and I have a competition to each lose 10 lbs. before Dec. 16. She would then be at her goal weight and I would be, let’s just say, closer to mine. I bought the book, “The Thyroid Diet” as I do have an issue but not enough to get medication (damn) so this diet says to eat only 1-2 carbs a day and I might die. What’s a girl to eat for lunch if she can’t have a sandwich? And sorry, but the low fat Greek yogurt just isn’t the same.
Halloween Cow Tale – cookies and milk

Mary

28 Oct 2009 | 5:45 am

Sometimes you just can’t make these things up. Like this story in last night’s paper where a man in a cow costume drove nto the river (after some partying). I had to laugh several times as it was just a comedy of errors complete with the video surveillance copy of his drive into the drink accidentally erased. After a lot of effort to find out if he was alone in the car and no one else was in the river, the rescue workers must have been relieved to find only the empty bottles and a cow head in the car. Only in my neck of the woods. I made sure to tell my kids about this scary…
Two Oldies But Goodies

Mary

25 Oct 2009 | 3:31 pm

Finally watched the Netflix movie that’s been cluttering up my counter top for the past three weeks, Twelve Angry Men. I can tell it’s a good movie when we don’t fall asleep after the first ten minutes. So far, the oldies have been the goodies. Henry Fonda was really good, of course, but the other jurors were all faces that we have seen in movies over the years in a variety of flicks, even though we didn’t know exactly who many of them were. Lee J. Cobb plays a good angry man – has a naturally sour face and demeanor. When we told the kids we were watching it,…
Flu? Been There, Done That

Mary

20 Oct 2009 | 2:36 pm

Yep and it wasn’t pretty. Sure, just when I decide to kiss my girlfriend’s baby on both cheeks, I get the flu. I spent half of my fever-induced stupor hoping I didn’t pass it along and wanting to research the incubation period so that if it passed, I could let let my guilty feelings go, but I was too bad to even go online. I don’t think I have ever looked or felt worse and I sure hope that at the very least, I have some immunity. I realize that sounds like someone on Survivor or Biggest Loser and coincidently, I am down 5 lbs. and look as crappy as those people on…

MAD KANE'S HUMOR BLOG
A Limerick For The Heene Family

madkane

19 Oct 2009 | 4:34 pm

I’ve written a limerick about the Balloon Boy saga here on my other blog.
The Price Of Facebook Friendship

madkane

29 Sep 2009 | 11:19 pm

Are you suffering from Facebook friend envy? Do you have a few hundred spare bucks lying around? Then uSocial, an Australian marketing company, is eager to help you buy thousands of “targeted” Facebook friends and fans and Twitter followers. Are you as creeped out about this as I am? The Price Of Facebook Friendship (Limerick) By Madeleine Begun Kane Feeling lonesome? Don’t have enough friends? You can try out this latest of trends: Buy pals by the litter At Facebook and Twitter. Pay cash and your loneliness ends.
Those “Sorry” Celebrities

madkane

15 Sep 2009 | 1:01 pm

What’s with prominent celebrities and pols whose last names begin with “W”? Joe Wilson, Kanye West, and Serena Williams have all made unspeakably rude public asses of themselves during the last few days. And so the worlds of politics, entertainment and sports have all come together in a sad celebration of awful behavior followed by inadequate apologies. Here’s my limerick tribute to their unseemly public tirades: Ode To Incivility By Madeleine Begun Kane Must pols and celebs be so rude? And display a despicable ‘tude? Misters Wilson and West And Ms. Williams,…
Another Reason To Be Scared Of The Shower

madkane

15 Sep 2009 | 12:27 pm

Just posted on my other blog: a limerick ode to showerhead bacteria.
Happy Birthday To Me

madkane

12 Sep 2009 | 10:02 pm

Friday, September 11th was my birthday — one of those traumatizing, ends-with-zero birthdays. So I told my husband Mark that, unless he wanted me to be a basket case on nine-eleven, he’d better plan something good. So, did Mark rise to the occasion? He sure did, as I describe in this three-verse limerick: Happy Birthday To Me By Madeleine Begun Kane My nine-one-one birthday was great! Hubby Mark planned a fabulous date: God of Carnage — fine play — Four fab stars on Broadway. Yes, I married a wonderful mate. The play featured James Gandolfini, Who did not play a mafia…

iambossy.com
Dear Bossy’s Son, Bossy Can Finally Tell You About This Close Call. Heck, Let’s Make It A Giveaway

BOSSY

6 Nov 2009 | 6:02 am

Meet Bossy’s new cat! Almost. It all began innocently enough one day a few weeks ago, when Bossy spied a white cat outside her dining room window. Fast forward a few days when this very cat found its way up on Bossy’s front porch. The first thing Bossy did was notice its little tag on its little collar, so she phoned the little number. And when she says she phoned the number she means she made her husband do it. And guess what? The number was disconnected, and there was no other information on the cat’s collar, except a name: Snow Flake. The next thing Bossy did was fall in…
Bossy’s Favorite Things

BOSSY

6 Nov 2009 | 4:54 am

Bossy has made a fuss before — right here in these very pages that aren’t pages at all and gah just how unsettling is that — about how lucky Bossy’s daughter is to have all of these cool Aunts who aren’t really Aunts but rather Bossy’s best grrrlfriends. Well here is just another example: one night last week, as Bossy’s brother and Bossy’s husband and the rest of their rock band rehearsed in the Bossy pergatory basement for a few upcoming shows, Bossy and her mother and her friend Martha were upstairs drinking Cabernet while Bossy’s…
Yet Another Little Known Fact

BOSSY

6 Nov 2009 | 4:52 am

A few weeks ago, when Bossy was tackling her New Year’s resolution in time to break new ones, Bossy came across this Mother’s Day card from her daughter. It must be four years old at least since Bossy is described as an Interior Decorator, but some things never change. And about that, do you think the other nine-year-olds described their mothers as wine drinkers? And Bossy inadvertently cut off her favorite line, the last. Because apparently Bossy is a Go practice violin articulator.
Bossy’s Ear Worm

BOSSY

5 Nov 2009 | 3:11 pm

Welcome to Bossy’s Ear Worm, which features songs currently in Bossy’s headphones. Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue. Air, Cherry Blossom Girl. Sometimes Bossy can’t even believe when a song so perfectly suited to her taste manages to elude her. Such is the case with this tune off of French duo Air’s 2004 record, Talkie Walkie. It’s reminiscent of the airy moody stuff by artists such as Zero 7 and Esthero and even Frou Frou — and why all the sudden does Bossy feel as though she’s typing with marbles in her mouth? In…
Bossy’s Favorite Thing

BOSSY

5 Nov 2009 | 4:47 am

Watching Bossy’s sports teams in a big pile of friends and family. It was a good run, Phillies, thanks.

WouldntYou.com
Boys and Men

WouldntYou.com

6 Nov 2009 | 5:05 pm

Sometime they’re all the same. Share and Enjoy:
Why take the hard road when you can take the easy road?

WouldntYou.com

3 Nov 2009 | 9:50 am

Stupid n00b drivers. Share and Enjoy:
Headbanging on ice

WouldntYou.com

2 Nov 2009 | 10:13 am

Oh, I’m sorry. Does this hurt? Share and Enjoy:
Your IT guy

WouldntYou.com

29 Oct 2009 | 8:58 am

With his irresistible charm. Err.. You can keep that computer as long as you touched it. Share and Enjoy:
Five girls in sleep

WouldntYou.com

28 Oct 2009 | 10:16 am

A very thin line between cute and sexy. Even we (yes, even WouldntYou.com) hesitated a little for decision to upload this picture. But we did it in the name of love, for our readership. Share and Enjoy:

Dilbert Daily Strip
Comic for November 7, 2009

7 Nov 2009 | 12:00 am
Comic for November 6, 2009

6 Nov 2009 | 12:00 am
Comic for November 5, 2009

5 Nov 2009 | 12:00 am
Comic for November 4, 2009

4 Nov 2009 | 12:00 am
Comic for November 3, 2009

3 Nov 2009 | 12:00 am

CAP News
[audio] Ad: Fat Jimmy's Party Rentals

7 Nov 2009 | 2:45 am

Even though summer is over, Fat Jimmy's Clowns, Belly Dancers and Guys In Ape Suits Inc. has everything you need to do that indoor party right.
Obama Board Game Loss Casts Doubt On Presidency

5 Nov 2009 | 3:00 am

WASHINGTON (CAP) - While the GOP was cruising to dominating victories in two gubernatorial match-ups Tuesday night, the White House was quietly releasing a story that many political insiders see as a more pivotal assessment and referendum on his fledgling presidency. The scant two-paragraph story admitted that President Obama on Tuesday played his 8-year-old daughter Sasha in checkers. And lost. "OMGZ, loosing to a lil black girl like that LOLZ-presidency ovah!" Newt Gingrich tweeted on Wednesday. It was a sentiment readily shared by many politicians and media analysts. "Look, this isn't…
Al-Qaeda Announces Move To CD/DVD

4 Nov 2009 | 3:00 am

SAN DIEGO, Calif. (CAP) - Following continued complaints of poor audio quality and amateurish video, al Qaeda has announced a deal with Sony Corp. to begin distributing its terrorist messages in the CD/DVD format. "We're proud to announce this strategic initiative with one of the world's leading terrorist organizations," Sony CEO Sir Howard Stringer said in a prepared statement. "We understand the extreme importance of communication in their industry and the explosive risks of failure and are prepared to meet those head on." The deal has been two years in the making, with Sony having to stop…
Florida Homeless To Get Free Wireless Internet

3 Nov 2009 | 3:00 am

ST PETERSBURG, Fla. (CAP) - As cities around the nation cut the internet cord and begin offering residents wireless access to the web, Florida is taking it one step further. The legislature has passed a resolution that will provide free wireless internet to all of the state's homeless by early next year. "I figure it's the least we can do," said Sen. Paula Dockery. "I mean, I have withdrawals when I go a day without checking email. I can't imagine never being able to access it." Homeless advocates are applauding Florida's efforts to aid the downtrodden, but question how well-placed their…
Sexy Costumes Lead To Tween Prostitution Arrests

2 Nov 2009 | 3:00 am

SALEM, Mass. (CAP) - Halloween festivities in Salem, Mass. were marred Saturday when police arrested more than a dozen 11- and 12-year-old girls, mistaking them for prostitutes. "Well, you can't tell me they didn't look like prostitutes," said Salem Police spokesman Howard Wieczorek, who noted that they were only incarcerated for "a few hours" before their parents were able to pick them up. "It was a little confusing at first, because most of their parents looked like prostitutes too," said Wieczorek. Similar arrests were reported around the nation this Halloween, as "sexy" Halloween costumes…

Renal Failure
Mikka’s Video Jukebox 11/07/09

renalfailure

7 Nov 2009 | 2:00 am

I don’t understand what I just watched, but I know my life will never be the same…
Haiku Friday – 11/6/09 – Tina the Lesbian

renalfailure

6 Nov 2009 | 2:00 am

This one is called “Things are much cooler when you mishear them.” Abstinence only? Try Absinthe-only sex-ed Trippin’ and learnin’ This one is called “Why I stopped going to the Lilith Fair.” Acoustic guitars plus pretentious twats equals Bad open mic night humor-blogs.com – fuelmyblog.com – alltop-humor – cre8buzz – blogcatalog
Can’t hit a home run if you’re not in the game

renalfailure

5 Nov 2009 | 2:00 am

So I’m at our fisherman-themed local bar, the Bass-to-Bass with Anonymous Doug, and I’m disappointed that the jukebox doesn’t have any Feather Healer, especially their pinnacle album “Twenty-sided Die: The Roll of Destiny.” So I decide to get drink until every song sounds like them. Instead I get drink until I start spouting poorly-thought out random ideas that pop into my head for who knows what reason. Like… “I think if I were a woman I’d be a slut,” I say. For the past few hours we’ve been drinking pitcher after…
Test Larkin

renalfailure

4 Nov 2009 | 2:00 am

Ninja Vicki has a computer. Stolen, of course. She uses it mainly to load up her stolen iPod with Euro-dance (though I’m trying to get her into some Feather Healer; Vicki is big in synthesizers). But she doesn’t have e-mail and she’s not on Facebook, so she can’t do all those quizzes and surveys and tests that people do to determine which member of the Justice League they are or what color their soul is or which Harry Potter character are you most likely to give a rimjob to. This means I have to hand-deliver such quizzes to her. “The Tag Larkin…
In the future all women will look like Janeane Garafalo

renalfailure

3 Nov 2009 | 2:00 am

I was rocking out to some bootleg Feather Healer concert tracks the other day when I came across some sciencey story about the future evolution of women. Much to my disappointment, there was no mention about a third breast or tongue clitori. Apparently according to the article the evolved woman of the future will be “slightly shorter and chubbier, have lower blood pressure and cholesterol and will have their first children earlier in life.” I find this disappointing as well because I thought the future would be dominated by 6-foot tall amazon women in shape-hugging jumpsuits…

FunnyPics4All Daily Funny Pic
Today's New Funny Pic

6 Nov 2009 | 4:07 pm

Always wanted a zebra

The Smiling Infidel
Who's Afraid Of The Big Bad KISS?

ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY

5 Nov 2009 | 7:52 am

Well, for starters, I AM! Yeah, I'll admit it....as a child I was freakin terrified of KISS, KISSes, KISSing and all things KISS-related.You might say that these mutated monsters of metal music scared me KISS-less.My degenerate second cousin used to have his room wallpapered with freaky KISS posters. Consequently, I was too scared as a 6-year old to even tiptoe past his room if the door was open enough for me and KISS to make any sort of eye contact.My cousin thought this was absolutely hilarious and he made it his life mission to terrorize me as much as possible.I'll never forget the…
Me And My Daughter Went Out Clubbing This Weekend!!!

ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY

23 Aug 2009 | 11:51 pm

It wasn't the first time I've taken Sunbum out clubbing, either.Yeah, I know she's only 14 but we've been going to the club since she was a baby.It's like an Infidel family tradition now.There's always an abundance of fresh meat at this club and it's yours for the taking!Sure there's also a bunch of real turkeys and the occasional ham but at least they separated out the fruits into their own section.I've picked up and taken home many a cheeseball from the club. They seem harmless enough but let me tell you, as you step on the scale after your brief encounter, you realize that they definitely…
How Many Men Does It Take To Cover An Oft Nude Prince??!?

ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY

20 Aug 2009 | 10:02 am

Apparently, it takes FIVE.Just don't ask me how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop. As a professional Tootsie Roll Pop licker I just can't divulge that kind of information for free without damaging my career.I know that we're only 8 months into the year but I'm going to go ahead and declare the alt-rock geniuses of Incubus the winner of my 2009 Raspberry Beret award for their magnificent Prince-covering work in the guitar-drenched ditty, Let's Go Crazy.Good job, guys! So tonight we gonna party like it's 2009!Let me pause a moment as I shower them with a deluge of…
There's Only You And Me....And We Just Disagree

ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY

18 Aug 2009 | 9:43 am

Ordinarily, Church doesn't qualify as a contentious experience for me. Ordinarily.However, one of the speakers last Sunday touched on a viewpoint so incredibly outrageous and just plain wrong that I couldn't help but loudly vocalize my concern.So there I was, perfectly in control of my attention span-challenged self and doing what I do most every Church meeting......dreaming about possible post-Church dinner recipes to try.That's when the Sister assigned to speak interrupted my food fantasies with the most troubling of questions.Sister Skinny actually articulated the following sentence:…
Dance And The World Dances With You......Sometimes

ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY

20 Jul 2009 | 7:16 am

Kroger's grocery traditionally only plays the lamest of the lame on their in-store radio. They're single-handedly resurrecting the soothing soft rock favorites that time (mercifully) forgot.After a particularly mind-numbing shopping experience where the overhead speakers blared both the Titanic theme song and "The Wreck Of The Edmund Fitzgerald" back-to-back, I came to the conclusion that their programmer harbors an unhealthy ship wreck fixation.Keep that man away from a career in the cruise ship D.J. field!Sometimes the music is so bleak that I automatically go into announcer mode with my…

Jokes2Go Daily Humor
Today's Poem

6 Nov 2009 | 4:05 pm

There was a young fellow named Malcolm Who dusted his ass-hole with talcum. He'd always use it Everytime that he shit, And found the sensation quite welcome.
Today's Joke

6 Nov 2009 | 4:05 pm

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
Today's Story

6 Nov 2009 | 4:05 pm

There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at Tim Alley's Grocery Store. The owner Tim doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys like to tease him. They say he is two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles shy of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say, because it's bigger. One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, Tim got him off to one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel…
Today's Quote

6 Nov 2009 | 4:05 pm

Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today.

Jokes - jokes4all.net!
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. ...

7 Nov 2009 | 4:13 am

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
Why are men like popcorn? ...

7 Nov 2009 | 2:13 am

Why are men like popcorn?They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. ...

7 Nov 2009 | 12:13 am

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
One night a man and a woman are both at a bar knocking back a few beers. ...

6 Nov 2009 | 10:13 pm

One night a man and a woman are both at a bar knocking back a few beers. They start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors. After about an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey. How about if we sleep together tonight. No strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun." The woman doctor agrees to it.So they go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes in the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. Finally she goes in the bedroom and they have sex for an hour or so.Afterwards, the man says…
Yo momma is so fat, she could sell shade. ...

6 Nov 2009 | 8:13 pm

Yo momma is so fat, she could sell shade.

Shamelessly Sassy
And then a Stranger Yelled in my Face

Shamelessly Sassy

24 Oct 2009 | 3:22 pm

Allie has the flu, and a stranger made me cry today. When I took her to see a doctor today, her pediatrician’s office, as well as local urgent care clinics, was already closed. This meant I had to take her to the care clinic in the local hospital. There are a million reasons why going to this clinic is stressful. Here are the basics: a.) While it is like a Doctor’s office, they bill like a hospital. By bill like a hospital, it is $495 to be seen by a Physician’s Assistant, whether any tests have been ran or not. If so, expect more. Once Allie had to have a…
Why Having a Craft Crate is Essential to Parenting

Shamelessly Sassy

15 Oct 2009 | 6:45 pm

Allie’s been out of school the past two weeks. Swine Flu is apparently running rampant here and her school shut down for one week due to absences and another week for Fall Break. For the entirety of the two weeks, the weather has been so gross. It’s been rainy and misty, nothing we want to play in or make trips to the Zoo with. (As a side note I should mention that October is being ruined for me by this weather. October is my favorite month. Ruined, people. Ruined.) We’ve obviously been inside a lot, which means we do a lot of crafts. I’ve always had a huge…
The time I was robbed.

Shamelessly Sassy

12 Oct 2009 | 9:04 pm

One thing I’ve discovered about writing is that the very moment you feel as if you have nothing to say a situation will fall into your lap. By fall into your lap, I mean really bowl you over. In my case, after falling asleep at 4:30 a.m. last night due to a child hooked up to a nebulizer, I woke up at 5:00 a.m. to the police beating on our front door. It seemed that some low grade juvenile thugs decided to break into a ton of cars in my neighborhood, which is funny because I live in a pretty safe neighborhood that is flanked with law enforcement and/or the relatives of law…
Ambiguity: The other white meat.

Shamelessly Sassy

9 Oct 2009 | 12:15 am

Earlier today someone left a comment telling me I wasn’t funny anymore. Well, to be clear, the comment was more along the lines of you aren’t AS funny anymore. For a while, I was quite offended. Then I realized it is probably true. I’m not as funny here as I used to be. To be honest, I don’t like to share here the way I once enjoyed sharing. I don’t like to joke here in the ways I used to joke. Once upon a time, I never worried about who was reading. When I did worry, I was all, “well, f*ck them if they are offended!” Lately, I’m…
People/things that need Assaulted

Shamelessly Sassy

30 Sep 2009 | 10:14 am

The sadistic and/or masochistic son-of-a-bitch that put the television I watch while working out on the Food Network. I payed no attention what was on when I first got on the machine because I was jamming out pretty hard with my ipod. I look up from musical delight and see a cake contest. How comforting that was to a girl that loves cake but doesn’t love having a huge butt. The Jay Leno Show. It has REALLY messed up my tv viewing schedule, and also, it sort of stinks. Mostly I’m just upset that Law & Order SVU is on Wednesday nights at 9 instead of Tuesday nights…

J 4 Jokes
Jersey

6 Nov 2009 | 9:44 am

The short joke "Jersey" goes like this: At a cowshed... Visitor: That cow has a nice color! Farmer: Yes, It's a Jersey. Visitor: Oh, I thought it was its skin! Related humor and funnies with short jokes, one liners, funny SMS jokes and text jokes: Animal jokesFunny jokesColor jokes* * * * * Visit http://j4jokes.blogspot.com for more fun.
Milkman Dresses

3 Nov 2009 | 9:27 am

The short joke "Milkman Dresses" goes like this: Two women were talking about their new milkman... First woman: He's very good looking, punctual and dresses so smartly... Second woman: And, so quickly too! Related humor and funnies with short jokes, one liners, funny SMS jokes and text jokes: Milkman jokesDouble Meaning jokesWomen jokes* * * * * Visit http://j4jokes.blogspot.com for more fun.
Office Definition

31 Oct 2009 | 11:06 am

The short joke "Office Definition" goes like this: Question: What is an office? Answer: A place where one can relax after a strenuous home life. Related humor and funnies with short jokes, one liners, funny SMS jokes and text jokes: Office jokesQuestion Answer jokesOne Liner jokes* * * * * Visit http://j4jokes.blogspot.com for more fun.
Orange Apple

27 Oct 2009 | 11:20 am

The short joke "Orange Apple" goes like this: Bambo: What is the difference between an orange and an apple? Dumbo: The color of an orange is orange, but the color of an apple is not apple. Related humor and funnies with short jokes, one liners, funny SMS jokes and text jokes: Dumbo Bambo jokesDifference Between jokesFunny jokes* * * * * Visit http://j4jokes.blogspot.com for more fun.
I Love You

23 Oct 2009 | 10:24 am

The short joke "I Love You" goes like this: Question: Why is it that a girl looks down when a guy says "I love you"? Answer: To see if he really means it! Related humor and funnies with short jokes, one liners, funny SMS jokes and text jokes: Love jokesDouble Meaning jokesMatured jokes* * * * * Visit http://j4jokes.blogspot.com for more fun.

Buffet o' Blog
funny costumes, pt 2

Buffet O' Blog

4 Nov 2009 | 9:54 pm

Here’s some more pictures of costumes for Halloween, parties, conventions, etc. The first funny costumes post featured superhero costumes, so this one will be more random. Some are from popular franchises like Star Wars and Halo, and there are some creative and well-done ones in here, too. Feel free to comment on any of them, if you have something funny to add. Chef Vader serving Jar Jar Binks Here's some "LOL dogs". If you want to be a generic green army man, you can buy this costume. This is the hero, Master Chief, from Halo 3. This one will be popular! You can…
caption contest, sumo wrestler intro

Buffet O' Blog

3 Nov 2009 | 7:50 pm

Are you ready for this week’s caption contest? I know some of you are, because I actually got e-mail letting me know there wasn’t one posted on-time. (It’s nice to be missed!) The reason for the delay is because of an electrical malfunction at the Buffet o’ Blog headquarters, preventing me access to my computer and the Internet for a few days. Now that it’s resolved, things can return to normal (or a reasonable approximation thereof). Since this week’s caption contest is late, here’s an extra special photo. And by special, I mean…
funny costumes, pt 1

Buffet O' Blog

28 Oct 2009 | 12:01 pm

For years, people have enjoyed dressing up in costumes, whether for Halloween or for parties. There’s also movie premiers and conventions, where die-hard fans get into cosplay (costume roleplay). Sometimes these costume attempts end up being funny, whether intentionally or just because it’s so bad (epic fail). Here’s a few that fall into one of those categories (but mostly the latter). Let’s start with people trying to be superheroes. Why would you want to dress up as a wuss? And with feathers? There's several things wrong with this picture. Can you find…
caption contest, man on bed in ocean

Buffet O' Blog

26 Oct 2009 | 8:18 pm

It’s time for this week’s caption contest, and since Halloween is approaching, here’s a photo featuring someone in a costume. I’m not sure who it is, but it’s a caricature, and the person is standing on his bed, which is in the ocean for some reason. So, like always, you get to explain what’s going on here. (To see the other caption contests, click on the “Say What?” category in the sidebar.) Posted in Say What?
Halloween costume for 2012

Buffet O' Blog

26 Oct 2009 | 9:05 am

It may be a little too early to think of my Halloween costume for 2012, but I thought of it anyway. Since 2012 is supposedly the end of the world, for Halloween I’m going to have my hair all messed up, not shave for a few days previous, and wear a giant sign that says “THE END IS NEAR!” It’ll be like one of those old-school doomsday prophets. You could also do this at work on a Monday. Obviously this picture doesn’t quite do it justice, but it’s close enough… Posted in Random

The Planets Best Political Humor at RadioactiveLiberty.com
Political Humor Under Fiar

Fiar

5 Nov 2009 | 4:51 pm

In an attempt to be a little more up to date on current events, I bring you my own version of political humor quick hits. Fort Hood Texas Shooting First off, there’s big news of a shooting near Fort Hood, Texas. Current reports list casualties at 12 dead and 31 injured. One mass murderer is identified as Malik Nadal Hasan, who is of an unknown and entirely ambiguous religious persuasion. That wasn’t funny, but hey, I told you the news always sucks the life out of you. Swine Flu In the category of hysteria over 48 hour sniffles, a health worker has been fired in Calgary, Alberta…
Election Day November 2009

Fiar

3 Nov 2009 | 9:48 am

Most people forget that there is an election every year. They only remember to vote when there is a Messianic Savior running for President. However, There are elections that can more directly influence your day to day activities that occur on off years like this one. For example, one of the local offices up for grabs this year is an election for coroner. Now, if someone you know happened upon an unfortunate accident, you want the coroner who will correctly identify the cause of death as accidental. Then again, perhaps you want the COD identified as homicide, you know, if you really…
Obama Designs New U.S. Flag

Les James

1 Nov 2009 | 5:00 am

President Barack Hussein Obama (mmm, mmm, mmm) calls in a hack computer guy with marginal Photoshop skills to help him design the New American Flag. They sit in the Oval Office. Obama: “How do you use that thing? I don’t see a teleprompter?” Hack: “It’s a laptop, Mr. President. The screen’s sort of like a teleprompter.” Obama: “I see. Hum. I like it. Now, I was thinking we should start with the current flag and see how I can improve it. ” Hack: “No problem sir…” Obama : “That’s Mr. President.” Hack:…
Obama Care, Trick or Treat?

Fiar

31 Oct 2009 | 6:00 am

On a completely unrelated note to ObamaCare, but related to Halloween, I went to a 6th grade Halloween dance at the school. Now, first of all, I felt a little awkward showing up at the school, because that is the way I felt in school back when they made me go there to learn how to be a good little subordinate of the State – which they failed at, by the way. Once I got there, I had an exciting revelation. It turns out they were having an election. I didn’t even need to register to vote. This made me suspicious. Is ACORN behind this voting thing? And just what measures were being…
Exclusive Interview With Dmitry Medvedev Satire

Fiar

30 Oct 2009 | 5:00 am

The Planet’s Best Political Humor site sent Eric on Special Assignment for an exclusive interview with Dmitry Medvedev. I must warn you, this post is censored due to strict restrictions on speech in Russia. First of all I would like to thank The Planet’s Best Political Humor at RadioactiveLiberty.Com for graciously sending me to the Federation of Russia to partake in this conversation. Eric: President Medvedev, Thank you for offering me your valuable time, I must say it is generous that you would allow me to come here for this conversation. An unscripted meeting of this type with…

Luggage Tuesdays
Tom Swifties Salad Jokes 2009

6 Nov 2009 | 8:27 am

File under: Salad Jokes. See also: Tom Swifty jokes on Wikipedia. "This salad genuinely complements my meal," Tom Swifty said organically. "I'll have the Caesar salad," Tom said imperially. "Artichoke salad should never be served grilled," said Tom cold-heartedly. "That's crazy talk to say all I do is talk about radicchio," Tom said ridiculously. "I nearly choked on this spicy ranch dressing," Tom said hoarsely. "I spent all night deveining ribs of celery," said Tom, strung-out. "I love to eat my salad rolled into a flour tortilla," Tom said raptly. "All these vegetables grew from my compost…
Family Restaurant Menu, Part 16: Last Meals

28 Oct 2009 | 12:43 am

Choice of prix fixe menu or all-you-can-eat-buffet. Reservations through Governor's office only. Not available in every state. Alcohol no longer served with meal, thanks to one troublemaker. No substitutions. Spoons only. No shirt, no shoes, no pardons. Prix Fixe Menu. First Course: Appetizer. New! Finger Food Five Point to anything on the menu and we'll serve it as an appetizer (Limit 5 points). Second Course: Chili. New! 1001 Meats You Must Eat before You Die Chili Not affiliated with the book, 1001 Meats You Must Eat Before You Die. Chili served cold to prevent guard scalding. Third…
#VH1BKFAIL

15 Oct 2009 | 8:35 am

On October 3, 2009, VH-1 aired the entire documentary Anvil! The Story of Anvil without interruptions. This commercial-free broadcast was sponsored by Burger King, whose logo appears at only a couple of inappropriate times.
Plug: Mike Spiegelman on Hanging Out with Vahe Hovak and Chris Schiappacasse

28 Sep 2009 | 12:58 pm

Luggage Tuesdays' own Mike Spiegelman hangs out on YouTube sensation "Hanging Out with Vahe Hovak and Chris Schiappacasse." Mike tells many salad jokes featured from this site. See it here. Language, adult content.
Temp Jokes, Perm Jokes

2 Sep 2009 | 9:55 pm

File under: office humor, parody, satire, that guy from American Pie, shop talk. A full-time perm had to lay off a full-time temp, so he told him he had to speak to him in the employee parking lot. As they were walking up there, the temp said, "I don't know. This parking lot sure is scary during the afternoon." And the perm goes, "You think it's scary? I have to walk back alone." *** How many temps does it take to screw in a light-bulb? Two: one to do it, the other to talk about cats. How many perms does it take to screw in a light-bulb? Two: one to ask the temps to do it, the other to…

Happy Meals & Happy Hour
Apparently I'm Not a Carrot.

HappyHourSue

2 Nov 2009 | 1:22 pm

Yeah, I didn't know what a "carrot" is either.Turns out, it's an attractive runner in flattering run-wear that, theoretically, would be motivating for the male runner to follow, like a horse following a carrot.So. Backing up. I ran a 5K Saturday with my daughter for charity.And I wore this:And I'm all proud of myself and exhausted but feeling pretty badass for completing it and my friend Sharon pulls up in the car next to me and rolls down her window.Sharon: Hey! Good job! You guys made a pretty good time!Me: Thanks!Sharon: But yeah- we need to talk about your running gear.Me:…
My Scary Halloween Vlog

HappyHourSue

30 Oct 2009 | 10:03 am
Sleepwalking Pills

HappyHourSue

26 Oct 2009 | 12:46 pm

So I complained to my doctor about a month ago that I'm having trouble sleeping, he prescribes me "Zolpidem" and of course I don't read the instructions. Which are mostly warning you not to take the pill til you're in bed. So I take it while I'm still at my computer, fall asleep sitting up, get woken up by my daughter, and walk into a wall. I tell my mom the story and she's all: "It's not Ambien, is it? Because people do weird things on Ambien." and I'm all "No, no, no - it's Zolpidem." Which upon closer scrutiny of the package insert today, is the generic name for Ambien. So I finally read…
Weekend LOL Video

HappyHourSue

24 Oct 2009 | 6:08 am

This actual convenience store video has been making the rounds the past couple of weeks....but you haven't seen it til you've seen this "silent film-ized" version: Thanks to my awesome reader Katie for the link.
GPS System Seeks New Owner

HappyHourSue

22 Oct 2009 | 7:14 am

You know how it sucks to have a boss that's a know-it-all retard and never listens to your suggestions? That's how my car GPS feels about me. GPS: "In about 1 mile, bear right onto...US...Route 1 South." Me: That makes no sense. GPS: "In about 500 feet..bear right onto US...Route 1 South." Me: Screw that. GPS: "Please bear right." Me: Shut up. GPS: "Please make a legal U-turn, if possible." Me: Just relax. I know what I'm doing. GPS: (auto re-routing) "Christ." Me: WHAT??!!! GPS: "I said "Christ". Now I have to freakin' re-route you AGAIN." Me: I've lived here for 3 years. This is NOT the…

YepYep - Your Daily Waste Of Time
Home Stretch: Links To Round Out The Work Day

gibbs12

6 Nov 2009 | 11:30 am

Home Stretch is your daily hot link action intended to help you reach 5PM faster. Posted at 2:30PMish CST everyday, email me if you’ve got a link that belongs here. Remember the American Gladiator Malibu? [IceIceBabies] 12 Hottest Female Sports Uniforms. [Guyism] 10 Worst Rapping NBA Players. [Street Level] 10 Esthetically Awesome Self Defense Items. [Gunaxin] 3 Great Tim Tebow Costumes. [Busted Coverage] Andy Reid Shows His O-Face. [KSK] 10 Movie Titles That Double As Genitalia Euphemisms. [Next Round] Larry King’s Hair Is A Bird. [Banned In Hollywood] 5 Things You …
Escarator

gibbs12

6 Nov 2009 | 5:44 am

If you enjoyed Kim Jong Il’s character in Team America: World Police, than Engrish Funny is the site for you. h/t buzzfeed
People With Horrible Fake Tans

gibbs12

6 Nov 2009 | 5:40 am

Holy Taco has discovered 23 more cases of orange face.
Convicts To The Rescue!

gibbs12

6 Nov 2009 | 5:37 am

Authorities recently released this footage of an inmate attacking a guard in a Tampa jail. Moments later, a hoard of other inmates join the rumble, but on the guard’s side.
Top 10 Football Players Named Matt

gibbs12

6 Nov 2009 | 5:33 am

Here’s where I make a joke about me not being eligible for the list. This is the link to read The Pigskin Doctors’ brilliance.

DeadRooster.com
Drinking Beer Not That Exciting Anymore

William McCamment

30 Oct 2009 | 12:53 pm

The great thing about being a hoarder and never throwing anything away, is that you are often nostalgically surprised when you pull something out of a box you’ve had stored in the attic for 20-years. Take this Farfrompüken t-shirt I discovered this morning. This thing brings back memories. Memories such as waking-up under a freeway overpass in a shopping cart and wondering at what point during the previous night I agreed to wearing a “Picasso-deranged” version of clown makeup. It’s funny how, when you’re in your early twenties, spending two hours in the imported…
How to Poken a Dead Rooster in Public

William McCamment

23 Oct 2009 | 1:07 pm

In the past, when anyone asked how they could find me online, I usually just told them to type Incredibly Hot Men into Google and hit the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button. But the way Google keeps changing its indexing criteria, it’s only a matter of time before it improperly redirects to the website of a slightly less-hot guy such as George Clooney or Abraham Lincoln. But soon, none of that will make any difference because everyone will be carrying a little gadget called a Poken that, when held together with the Poken of someone you want to exchange online info with,…
Celebrity Ghost Stories: Dead Rooster Author Tells His Tale

William McCamment

20 Oct 2009 | 10:08 am

Its cold, black eye-holes began glowing with hell’s orange embers, and when it opened its mouth, I thought it was trying to speak, but to my horror, it was merely a build-up of maggots forcing its jaws and spilling onto the floor like globs of writhing oatmeal. OK, not quite. What really happened was this: It was in the fall of 1992, and I was working as a quality control manager for an aerospace firm called American Automated Engineering in Huntington Beach, California. I had heard random stories of ghosts in that building for the full 7 years I worked there, but, aside from a few…
My Cat Punky is a Kleptomaniac

William McCamment

13 Oct 2009 | 8:32 am

My cat Punky brings me gifts at least twice a week. He’s been doing this for several years and, even though the gifts are usually trinkets from neighborhood garbage cans or incomplete grasshoppers, I appreciate the thought. It started with pine cones. Every few days I’d find a pine cone on the mat outside the back door. At first, I didn’t even realize Punky was doing it, I thought the pine cones were somehow rolling there after dropping from the tree. That was until I actually saw him trotting across the backyard with one in his mouth. But, lately, he’s been getting…

PassiveAggressiveNotes.com
waiting for the rapture (and/or a thank you note)

kerry

5 Nov 2009 | 4:59 pm

writes ben in snohomish, washington: “we visit my aunt the same amount we visit the rest of our extended family, but for some reason she takes it personally that we don’t do so daily. she took the occasion of my son’s 11th birthday to take a shot at us.” related: my condolences on your birthday
the art of passive resistance

kerry

4 Nov 2009 | 5:53 pm

travis in edmonton says this painting (which “resembled a tenth-grader’s crack at designing fantasy novel jacket”) appeared one day in the alley behind the pub where he works. feeling puckish, travis says, “every evening i would turn it toward the south-facing balconies…and every morning it would be face-down in the street again, until eventually it disappeared for good.” related: you can have the inflatable bananas
granny doesn’t mess around

kerry

3 Nov 2009 | 8:15 pm

while some old folks (and grandmothers in particular) are seasoned masters of the heart-tugging passive-aggressive guilt trip, there’s another breed of blue-hairs who’ve seemingly given up on all the social niceties and instead just give their unfiltered opinion on any subject at hand. their all-purpose excuse, as demonstrated by this example from tacoma, washington: “i’m old!” yet while this group certainly helps make reading the “letters to the editor” page entertaining, charity in westfield, wisconsin says the “grumpy old crank” routine…
thanks for the geography lesson, dad!

kerry

2 Nov 2009 | 7:25 pm

our anonymous submitter from chicago says she and her four siblings recently received this somewhat cryptic e-mail from dear old dad. explains a: “the initials refer to our names (and spouses’ names, where applicable). dad lives in west bloomfield. i’m pretty sure it means he wants us to visit?” related: love, dad
“piece out our imperfections with your thoughts”

kerry

1 Nov 2009 | 2:47 pm

writes mike in provo, utah: “this is a letter my friend liz found on the windshield of her car during the time she was dating her now-husband. they framed the note, and now have it proudly displayed in their living room.” related: a substance user and a player!

Guyism » humor
Woman calls 911 because boyfriend won’t marry her

Chris Spags

6 Nov 2009 | 1:19 pm

In the annals of crazy women, you’d find probably every woman ever because they’re all insane in some way. BUT! you’d probably find this woman close to the top of the pack because she called 911 after her boyfriend refused to marry her. And she did this multiple times. This guy is only proposing because she would have thrown him through the window if he didn’t. Devious.Clarksville police said they arrested a woman on Wednesday morning after she repeatedly made non-emergency calls to the city’s 911 system.Hee Orama, 34, was arrested after police said she recently…
Dogs react to their soldier owner coming home

Chris Spags

6 Nov 2009 | 11:57 am

I’m a big supporter of our troops; for example, I occasionally wear a camouflage hoodie and when people ask me, “What’s up with the hoodie?” I reply “AMERICA, THAT’S WHAT’S UP.” My irrationality aside, this video is just awesome. Maybe you have to be an animal lover to get it, but these dogs’ reactions to their owner coming home stirred something in my black heart. If you aren’t just a little touched by this, I have no faith in you as a human being. If you lose a little faith in production values at the end though, understandable…
Quote of the Day

Chris Spags

6 Nov 2009 | 10:30 am

Dogs bite people sometimes and, if it’s bad enough, the dog might get put down. It’s sad, but so are a lot of things. But what about when your partially blind dog bites your husband so bad that he dies? Well, if you’re this British woman, you go, “Eh, it happens” and keep the dog. A father died after being nipped by his dog during a game of fetch.Steven Sewell, 55, was on holiday in the Scottish Highlands with his wife Angela and teenage son David when the family’s partially blind dog Judy bit him.The retired teacher patched up the small wound with tissue and…
Oh…oh this is awkward

Chris Spags

6 Nov 2009 | 9:45 am

If I can teach you guys one thing today, it’s got to be this: Go old with dignity. Because when you cling to your youth like a drowning man would cling to a life preserver, there’s a good chance you look like this. I really pray that this is a Halloween costume. I can understand buying the car or sleeping with younger women or sneaking into high schools and pretending you’re a new student, but in reality you just want to sniff the cheerleaders’ skirts right after they put them in their lockers after practice. But trying to look like a 14 year-old emo kid when you have…
Hire a real thug

Chris Spags

6 Nov 2009 | 7:15 am

There is literally not a single thing you can’t find somewhere on Craigslist. For further proof, take a look at this New Jersey Craigslist ad in which you, Joe Normal, can hire a “Real Thug” to educate your kids. Click for full sizeI like how the thug gentleman doesn’t name a price. The odds of you leaving with your house robbed and your child still not fixed seem unavoidably high.So, is being a real thug a skilled service? I mean I guess there’s a certain art form to hustling, but I don’t think what the thug is offering is actually skilled. Making crazy…

Regretful Morning» Drinking stories, walks of shame, Funny videos
Hank’s Package

Jason

6 Nov 2009 | 1:48 pm

This sign is also available in braille but it leads you to a different type of package. Popular Links: The 7 levels of a bar hook-up – Guyism Fighting Styles That Will Probably Get Your Ass Kicked- Gunaxin The Best in Television This Week – Reel Pretty Things That Scare Her In Bed – Ask Men Learn to f*ck me – [...]
Should I Buy Her A Drink? [Flowchart]

Jason

6 Nov 2009 | 11:44 am

If you end up hitting the bars tonight, we’d like you to be prepared. Sometimes knowing when and who to buy a drink for can be a challenging task for young men. We’ve developed an extremely basic reference guide to help you step up the plate and score some (probably married) tail. Good luck young [...]
Compilation of Street Bike Fails

Jason

6 Nov 2009 | 7:44 am

Nothing starts your weekend off better than watching a bunch of guys fail miserably on street bikes. d-d-d-douche Failed Motorcycle Stunts – Watch more Funny Videos
TGIF Hottie: Kyra, Vikki, and Nyli

Jason

6 Nov 2009 | 12:00 am

These 3 bombshells dance and shake for a solid 5 minutes to the beats of Chad Smith (Red Hot Chilli Peppers). FOUNDRY CAMS: Bombshells and Chad Smiths Bombastic Meatbats – Watch more Funny Videos
25 Hot Chicks In Fishnets (nsfw)

Jason

5 Nov 2009 | 3:02 pm

Awhile back we started a fairly pervy fishnet thread via the forums. Today I revisited that thread while adding a few of my own discoveries. Keep scrolling and you’ll make a discovery of your own…in your pants. <- Holy shit that was awful.

Id Rather Be Blogging
The Scariest Part of Halloween

Maureen

2 Nov 2009 | 7:24 am

Each year I do it.I tell myself not to, but myself doesn't listen. Ever.As soon as the Halloween candy appears on store shelves (sometime in July, I believe) I begin to stockpile for October 31st. To lessen the pain, I usually purchase one or two bags at a time, making sure that there is:1) At least ONE extra bag of Rockets2) At least ONE bag of good chocolate bars that we like (Peanut Butter Cups, Crispy Crunch and Oh Henry's).and 3) Enough candy for oh, the entire city.For you see, I seem to constantly be under the delusion this is still the 90's when we would be under seige by hundreds of…
On The Road Again

Maureen

27 Oct 2009 | 9:50 pm

Aw crap.Now I have Willie Nelson in my head.Getoutgetoutgetout!Sheesh.Last week I jetted off to the bustling metropolis of Edmonton. Well, it was bustling in the West Edmonton Mall at least, where I left many monies in exchange for family gifts and a few trinkets for moi. Oh yeah, and I had a business meeting the next day too... but that was a mere afterthought. I was really there to visit the mall for the first time (but don't tell my boss that).Only two days after returning home I was packing my bags once more. For daughter and I are here in Fargo, on a very short shopping trip before the…
Wordless Wednesday - Monstrous Owie

Maureen

21 Oct 2009 | 5:27 am
I Have Magical Powers!

Maureen

19 Oct 2009 | 6:12 am

It's true!Oh no, nothing as grand as being able to produce a Patronus Charm with a wave of my wand* or summon Balrog-repelling powers like Gandalf.** Hell, I can't even dodge laser bolts from a Seeker Droid training remote.***But apparently I CAN see and/or do amazing things others can't.Get this:At ALL times, I can somehow sense whether the dishwasher has clean OR dirty dishes in it! Yup, the rest of the family seek me out when faced with the confounding dilemma of determining whether to place their used plate, cup or spoon inside. And if I am not within yelling distance or fail to respond…
Naked

Maureen

15 Oct 2009 | 11:03 am

Crap! I couldn't believe it. How could I be so careless?Must be getting old... to have forgotten something so important.So personal.So essential!I should have headed back home when I discovered my omission; instead I kept driving to work -- reassuring myself I could get through the day without anyone noticing.Maybe if I hide in my office, I can make it through the day unscathed.But I had to go out sometime. Away from the privacy and protection of my room.Luckily, I wasn't called upon for much. I made it and no one even realized. Except me. I felt naked all day.I never want to endure something…

Magick Sandwich
The Canyon of Zeroes

6 Nov 2009 | 6:30 am

At Magick Sandwich, we love a parade. We're not made of stone, after all. Once again, the Yankees are champions of baseball!!! So, let me take a moment to explain the title of this post. When I say zeroes, I am not referring to a lack of talent, simply to the excess of zeroes on these people's... ( This is a content summary only. Please click on the title link to read the full story.)
I Want My Money Back!

27 Oct 2009 | 6:45 am

From Friday's New York Times: Parent alert: the Walt Disney Company is now offering refunds for all those “Baby Einstein” videos that did not make children into geniuses. Obviously, Disney has not been delivering on its implied promise to parents buying Einstein and its other titles, Baby Mozart,... ( This is a content summary only. Please click on the title link to read the full story.)
Magick Monday Morning Cartoon

19 Oct 2009 | 6:39 am

Here at Magick Sandwich HQ, we've got nothing to say but it's okay. Good morning, good morning, good morning! --from The New Yorker's Cartoon Bank More Mondays: Magick Monday Manscaping Magick Monday Cartoon Just Another Magick Monday ( This is a content summary only. Please click on the title link to read the full story.)
Fighting the Politics of Spite

5 Oct 2009 | 11:31 am

From today's New York Times: The Politics of Spite by Paul Krugman There was what President Obama likes to call a teachable moment last week, when the International Olympic Committee rejected Chicago’s bid to be host of the 2016 Summer Games. “Cheers erupted” at the headquarters of the... ( This is a content summary only. Please click on the title link to read the full story.)
7 Shopping Tips from the September Issues

30 Sep 2009 | 6:07 am

September is the time of year when fashion magazines try to outdo each other with the "mine is bigger than yours" competition usually reserved for the boys. Vogue won the prize this year at just under two and a half pounds, with 447 of its 584 pages devoted to ad space. This season's mandate:... ( This is a content summary only. Please click on the title link to read the full story.)

Fun Meme Humor & Jokes
Yahoo Answers FAIL – CAPS LOCK

6 Nov 2009 | 4:45 am
Oh Look a UFO

6 Nov 2009 | 4:40 am
Hey Grandma You are Doing it Wrong

6 Nov 2009 | 4:39 am
Arnold Schwarzenegger Then and Now

6 Nov 2009 | 4:37 am
Bad Names for Crayons

6 Nov 2009 | 4:33 am

Guide to World Domination
Wireless Power – How is This Not Dangerous?

Leanne Heller

13 Oct 2009 | 6:33 pm

I’ve always wanted the power to smite people. You throw your arms up in the air, call on the powers of heaven and lightening, and fry the offending party where they stand. Generally, this urge comes on when I’m driving around Salem. Now I hear that Sony has developed wireless technology that sends electricity through the air. While my mind is boggled – Flying invisible electricity! Get excited! – I have to ask myself. How is this not dangerous? I understand that this is not strictly a new concept. My cell phone works, and it’s not plugged in. My laptop can…
The Countdown of Doom

Leanne Heller

2 Oct 2009 | 5:27 am

Jon and I were driving to pick up Maddox from daycare when I thought I heard Jon say “eight” and then a moment later, “seven.” Thinking, gee, this is a weird game, but okay, I’ll play too, I started counting down from six. From Jon’s confused reaction, I gathered that I had misheard him, and we were not in fact flexing our awesome countdown skills. Because I figured I might as well finish what I’d started, I kept counting aloud anyway. This had an interesting effect: Jon grew progressively more alarmed with each number. I began to realize that 1) this…
Review of Sony Baby Call Baby Monitor – 900MHZ

Leanne Heller

6 Sep 2009 | 9:31 am

The Back Story: It took awhile for me to trust our baby monitor. I didn’t believe that the voice-activate setting would work, and pictured my poor baby crying his head off in the other room. Note: We live in a 2 bedroom apartment, and there is virtually no room in the house where you could not hear a baby from another room. So, this is a post for all the other neurotic new moms out there who are worried that their baby monitors won’t actually allow them to monitor their babies. Product Description The Sony Baby Call Baby Monitor has three settings: On, off, and voice-active. The…
When Delayed Gratification is Okay

Leanne Heller

23 Aug 2009 | 8:31 am

I hate to wait for things. I also hate to wait for people. Sometimes, when someone is explaining something, I yell at them to talk faster. I adore Jon’s Dad, because he and I can actually have conversations in which we both talk and listen at the same time. Seriously. You can quiz us afterward and we’ve processed what the other person is saying. Once, when I was in Florida helping to create a title processor training guide for the title insurance company where I worked, in the midst of a heady brainstorming session, an exasperated co-worker cried, “talk slower!” to…
The Children’s Crusade or the Wandering Poor

Leanne Heller

16 Aug 2009 | 8:22 am

The History: Alleluia, Let’s Get Walking Around 1212, a large amount of poor country folk joined up to form a mass movement of followers intending to carry out the will of God. Depending on your source, God’s will was that they A) Bring Christianity to the Heathens Across the Water, B) Follow a Miracle Worker or C) Escort a guy named Steve on his trip to bring the French King a letter from Jesus. Why This is Awesome Imagine 30,000 delusional minions marching off to do your bidding. Although The Omen and Village of the Damned reduce their credibility somewhat, no one really…

Zoomdoggle: More fun than work!
QUICK: Judge Someone (Or Be Judged)

jakehimself

4 Nov 2009 | 6:52 am

“This site is a social experiment intended to combine two of the internet’s great strengths: anonymous judgement and voyeurism. We want to grow an interesting (and cathartic) community around this idea.” What’s that mean? OnTheJury is all about judging or being judged. People upload their beefs, their evidence, their proof, and you weigh in. Fun, right? Get the robe out, get in character and get judgmental. LINK: OnTheJury. ShareThis
MAKE: Exquisite Corpse

FloydHayes

4 Nov 2009 | 6:44 am

Ever played Exquisite Corpse? Ever seen the flip books that let children match an aligator’s head with a donkey’s body? If you and two friends have an iPhone/Touch each, all it takes is a couple pictures taken with each phone (top does heads, middle bodies, bottom legs)! Me and Pete from the office made this using our work mates as models. How fun is that? ShareThis
HONORARY DOGGLER: SpY

jakehimself

4 Nov 2009 | 6:44 am

Spanish artist SpY doesn’t pull pranks, and he’s certainly not a vandal. Nope, he calls his work “interventions.” Wrapping a police car in crime scene tape? Turning street markings into the space fighter? How fun is that? Loads more after the jump. Poke around, see the sights… LINK: Spy via Trendhunter and Urbanprankster. ShareThis
PLAY: Colour My World

jakehimself

4 Nov 2009 | 6:44 am

Travel across the complex rocky cliffs of the Grey Mountains into the clean and controlled city of B&W to meet up with your love waiting for you. Solve puzzles to brighten things up as you explore. Click the pic to make the jump. LINK: Armourgames. ShareThis
MARK YOUR CALENDAR: The Proper Prank

jakehimself

3 Nov 2009 | 7:09 am

WHEN: Tuesday, November 3, 2009 - 8 pm (doors at 7:30) WHERE: Brooklyn’s own Union Hall, 702 Union St. @ 5th Ave WHAT: The latest instalment of Adult Education - a Useless Lecture Series has some of today’s greatest pranksters (among them The Yes Men and Tim Harrod of The Onion and The Late Show, author of “You Are Dumb: How the Media are Pranking You Even as You Read This”) sharing the ins and out of their craft. Definitely worth checking in before lighting your next flaming pile of poo. More details after the jump. LINK: Adult-ed. ShareThis

The Nothing Report
Halloween is Like Wal-Mart Cosplay

Beau Horner

31 Oct 2009 | 3:32 pm

It's again one of those days that are supposedly there to either fatten wallets or entertain innocent children by doing things that don't normally make sense in any other context. Halloween is one of these "special days" among our all-time favorites like Saturnalia, Gluttony Day, Catholic Cherub Day, Abnormal Rabbit Reproduction Day, and the ever famous "It's Alright to Be a Drunk Today Day". We help that one out by "celebrating" Show Your Boobs for Beads Day and Mexican Alcoholic Day.I'm known to be a dick for not celebrating holidays because it's my perogative to inform lonely people on…
The Nothing Report @ Wiki Answers For the Win

Beau Horner

23 Oct 2009 | 1:35 am

Behold, The Nothing Report is now on Wiki Answers, defeating the most simple of questions.....Well... I'm on there.I'm going by the user name "BailNobra", just because it's my favorite Robot Chicken clip; so be my guest, ask a stupid question. Someone is probably waiting in the shadows to give you an even more stupid answer.
The Pork Medallion Maneuver (Patent Pending)

Beau Horner

11 Oct 2009 | 4:19 pm

I was originally going to write about something the rest of the world thinks is important, like the Obama Peace Prize thingy, or maybe something to do with Marge Simpson letting her "hair down" so to speak, posing nude in Playboy; which should give new meaning to who's "real" and who's not. Those things oddly enough don't interest me... of course neither does non-dwarf slapstick, but what I had in mind should inspire you to .....uh.....not be influenced by my idea?Have you ever known there was something a little off about your license or vehicle as far as expiration, insurance lapse, etc.
O.J. Says: "It's Not a Tumor"...or Was That Someone Else?

Beau Horner

7 Oct 2009 | 11:54 pm

With all the excitement involving my web show and the fact that somewhere in the world, right now, there is a two-toed sloth just pounding away on his fuzzy female, one couldn't possibly be able to contain themselves. Here we have the dilemma to live our lives without taking into consideration that there might have been things that we missed along the way. For example, The Cold War did not have any snowball fights.....none that we know of anyway. Someone probably stole $20 from your wallet/purse last week. By the way, thanks, guy from the elevator. Where the f#$% do ball-point pens go as soon…
For the Love of Comedy

Beau Horner

4 Oct 2009 | 12:51 pm

The reason why I haven't been posting lately is that I and a trusted colleague of mine have been working on coming up with a web show to make its debut as soon as possible. We've had the idea in our heads for a little while now, but now we have the means to get things done; so be patient with me, my three little readers. I would love to share everything that 's going to be included in this show, but it's a surprise and we all love surprises, don't we? However, what I can tell you is, we have openings for some cast members and I'm only going to be casting people in the local area (God help…

Urban Prankster
New Improv Everywhere Musical: I Love Lunch

Charlie Todd

6 Nov 2009 | 5:52 am

(View it larger on YouTube) Song by Anthony King and Scott Brown (Gutenberg! The Musical!) For their latest mission, seven undercover IE agents staged a spontaneous musical during lunch at the Trump Tower atrium. The mission was filmed for a segment on The Today Show and includes a cameo from Ann Curry. Their report: I Love Lunch! The Musical Related posts:Improv Everywhere’s Grocery Store MusicalKeep Your Love SafeImprov Everywhere: Best Funeral Ever
Blacktop Battlestar

Alex Scordelis

3 Nov 2009 | 4:37 am

SpY, a Spanish street artist, has been creating urban art since the late 1980’s. He prefers to call his pieces “interventions.” His intervention pictured above is called, “Street Wars.” via The Art of the Prank via Wired Related posts:Billboard SilhouetteReally Tall Basketball Goal
Living Sculptures

Alex Scordelis

30 Oct 2009 | 5:55 am

Austrian artist Willi Dorner recently brought his “Bodies in Urban Spaces” project (which we’ve blogged about before) to London as a part of the annual Dance Umbrella festival. Dorner’s troupe of 20 performers led their audience on a “body sculpture trail” around London, and interacted with urban spaces along the route. via PSFK and Time Out London Related posts:In Case of Civil Unrest
Red Arrow Project

Alex Scordelis

28 Oct 2009 | 5:47 am

At last weekend’s Art Under the Bridge Festival in Brooklyn, artists Jennifer Fisher and Christian Cerrito launched their Red Arrow Project. The project consisted of several floating cursor kites (which were tied to weather balloons) pointing at random locations and encouraging people to be mindful of things they normally might not look at. Fisher and Cerrito’s floating red arrows may provide some competition with New York’s long-running Yellow Arrow Project. via PSFK Related posts:The Balloon ProjectThe Shadow ProjectPublic Poster Project
Billboard Silhouette

Alex Scordelis

26 Oct 2009 | 2:07 am

Spanish artist Sam3 specializes in creating massive silhouettes with stencils. This shadowy Sam3 creation appeared on a billboard in Murcia, Spain. (Where coincidentally an Mp3 Experiment will happen on Thursday–Improv Everywhere is holding experiments in 4 cities in Spain on the same day.) via Vandalog Related posts:Abraham Obama Billboard LiberationImprov Everywhere’s Mp3 Experiment Six

The Offended Blogger
The "Not In MY Backyard!" Offensive

The Offended Blogger

2 Nov 2009 | 11:00 pm

For my first contribution to this month's Humor Bloggers Unite Against Injustice Campaign, I've decided to tackle an issue that hits close to home for me: wild coyotes who feast upon the innocent flesh of unsuspecting teenage folk singers. I know! And it happened right in my own backyard!! OK, so it actually happened in some remote area of Canada, but still. The very idea that it could happen in my backyard is chilling to say the least and we both know that it won't be long before the Canadian coyotes will be bragging to the Montana coyotes and they'll tell the Idaho coyotes and... I know! I…
The "What Have You Done For Me Lately?" Offensive

The Offended Blogger

29 Oct 2009 | 7:00 am

After dropping some serious dinero today (read: taco truck money) on enough Halloween candy to give every starving Ethiopian child juvenile diabetes, I had to seriously reconsider whether or not all of the little trick-or-treaters who might show up at my door 2 nights from now are worth sharing it with. It almost made me feel guilty that it only took me all of .0000005 seconds to realize that NO they sure the hell aren't worthy! Hey, it's not my fault that not one of those little bastards have come by even once this year to offer to pull weeds or rake leaves or muck out the barn! Well at…
The "I Smell Sex and Candy" Offensive

The Offended Blogger

28 Oct 2009 | 1:56 am

So after visiting the local Halloween Boo-tique for the third time this week trying to choose which saucy wench costume to buy, I realized two things. One, the Marci Playground song "Sex and Candy" was stuck in my head for no apparent reason and two, if the ACLU showed up for an unannounced inspection the people who run that place would be in bigggg trouble! I mean it was obvious to even a lay person that they didn't give a second thought to political correctness whatsoever when they set up their displays because there were Rastafarian hats hanging right next to the velvet pimp daddy suits…
The "My Ouija Board Hates Me" Offensive

The Offended Blogger

26 Oct 2009 | 10:41 am

You know, you'd think with the Halloween season upon us my Ouija board dude would be a bit more cheerful and hospitable but instead, he won't even talk to me and it is really starting to piss me off! Seriously, no matter what I do, I get the same response: That's right. Nothing!! But I know what he's thinking. :( Thanks, I feel sorry for me too! It wasn't always this way, though. It used to be that he'd talk to me and tell me things like "I'm going to kill you" and "show me your tits" but I guess the honeymoon wore off after I started bugging him incessantly to give me the winning lottery…
The "Shameless Whoring for HBDC" Offensive

The Offended Blogger

24 Oct 2009 | 11:00 pm

That's right, I'm exerting my God-given right to practice shameless whoring in order to promote the Halloween Humor Carnival over at Humor Bloggers dot com. For the entire week, the front page there will be filled with humorous Halloween themed posts written by participating Carnival members. Hooyah! Don't miss it! Make sure you stop over daily and check it out! Don't look at me like that, I said GO!!! :)*** THANK YOU FOR SUBSCRIBING TO MY OFFENSES!!! ***

Stuff Christians Like - Jon Acuff
Win a free copy of “Scouting the Divine” by Margaret Feinberg.

Jon

7 Nov 2009 | 2:00 am

Dang, Margaret Feinberg rocked the casbah at Catalyst. In a bright red coat that made her look like a super hero and a book that sounds awesome, she just tore it up when she was handed the mic. Her new book was years in the making and has perhaps my favorite subhead ever: “Scouting the Divine: My Search for God in Wine, Wool, and Wild Honey.” She basically spent time with a shepherd, a beekeeper and vintner to try to bridge the gap between the ancient world and her own as she pursued the mystery and beauty that lurks within the Bible. She said I could give away five copies of the book to…
Visit my dad’s new church

Jon

7 Nov 2009 | 1:39 am

Most of what I write about, speak about, laugh about is just an offshoot of what I saw my dad do first. That’s why I’m excited that he started a new church in Durham, North Carolina called the Gathering Church. Tomorrow is their first Sunday. If you live in the area, visit and tell him I sent you. For more info visit their site, allgather.org. Details about Sunday are also pasted below: Gathering Church Starting at 10:30 am. Creekside Elementary 5331 Ephesus Church Road Durham NC 27707
Secretly believing the prosperity gospel.

Jon

6 Nov 2009 | 2:00 am

(I like to think I’m funny and have big faith until I meet people like Michael Kelly. He’s a writer with a hilarious wit but it’s his heart that struck me most. When I first met him, he told me, “I was headed down this path of being an author until my two year old son got leukemia and my priorities changed.” He’s years down the road on that journey and it’s been a great privilege to learn about the miracles God has worked in Michael’s family. Today, in further proof that big faith and big funny can live in the same person, Michael joins us for a guest post on Stuff Christians…
Youth group rules.

Jon

5 Nov 2009 | 2:00 am

“What am I supposed to do, swivel?” An exasperated friend asked me that recently. He was telling me about a rule he had received as a Christian youth camp counselor. In the contract for the camp, he had been told, “You can only side hug the campers. No front hugs.” And that’s an OK rule. That makes sense, I get that. It’s designed to protect both the campers and the counselors. But my friend had a problem. Occasionally a camper would break down in tears, say something like, “My uncle just died and it is killing me” and then throw their arms out for a front hug. Which is when…
Come see me for free in Atlanta, November 11.

Jon

5 Nov 2009 | 1:49 am

Singles of the world unite! Or at the bare minimum come see me speak about how to have a wicked awesome dating life on Wednesday, November 11 at North Point Community Church outside of Atlanta, Georgia. The event is free. I will probably try to pop n’ lock at least once. I will be handing out booty, God, booty buttons like they were sweet satirical candies. And you’ll get to meet my wife, who is the smarter of the two Acuffs. Space is limited, so make sure you sign up if you want to come hang out. Register right here.

Got Funny
Sound Audio Technology: Methods To Help You Develop Your Movie Collection

Tequiefah Hall

6 Nov 2009 | 12:10 pm

We all like to watch movies in our spare time. The surround systems we purchase reflect our desire for a rich surround experience. Each year Americans and men and women all over the globe spend multitudes of dollars upgrading their surround audio routine to the most recent technologies available. Numerous men upgrade their surround audio systems for several reasons. While some women love the idea of having the latest in audio technology, others upgrade thinking their older movies will audio better. This is not the case. Older DVD movies are naturally not encoded with the newest audio files.
Groomsmen Gifts: Gifts For Tough Guys

Benedict Perez

5 Nov 2009 | 7:23 am

Groomsmen gifts are customarily given during weddings because of its timelessness and significance. These gifts come in many different styles appropriate for the particular groomsman persona, be it young, hip, sensitive types, or conservative, seasoned or renaissance. There are gifts for the sporty, rough, tough guys, unique sports themed, practical, and useful gifts. Likewise there are elegant and luxurious gifts. These gifts should be perfect tokens of appreciation for the best pals. The duties of the groomsmen include not only pertaining to the wedding program itself. It requires him to…
Embellishments Using Bows and Ribbons For Wine Wedding Favors

Harris Roberts

4 Nov 2009 | 10:06 am

Among the most elegant gifts you can give on bridal occasions are the wine wedding favors. This is of course a costly type of gift giving as this is by nature a form of sophistication and elegance. Favors like these characterize a lavish reception regardless of where the reception is being held. Wines are of several types of blends and often come with some corresponding accessories which are terrific items for souvenirs. These wine wedding favors together with their accessories are best mementos when personalized. The essence of the giver always goes with these personalized gifts for they…
Affordable Play Kitchens For Kids

Danny Stevens

4 Nov 2009 | 8:47 am

Play kitchens for kids are now among the most sought after play things in the market. Parents also grab this thing for their kids for varied reasons. Some would love to have it for their children to enjoy and have real fun playing with it. Others want it for a more serious purpose of trying to enhance their children’s total development in an entertaining manner. Both kids and parents simply love this awesome play thing for varied reasons. Regardless of what kind of purpose play kitchens for kids may have, it is essential for it to serve its primary purpose entertaining kids while…
Best Comedy Shows Of All Time

Hank Evans

3 Nov 2009 | 2:43 pm

Everybody Loves Raymond (1996-2005): Everybody loves put-upon Ray, who tries to please wife Debra, nosy ‘rents Marie and Frank and jealous bro Robert. The Barones didn’t always have happy days, but their dysfunctional family was one of the most realistic. Hogan’s Heroes (1965-1971): You have to respect a sitcom that managed to wring laughs from a Nazi POW camp setting. Even more impressive: It was a one-note joke that kept viewers tuning in. What new ways would Col. Hogan and his clever crew find to trick bumbling Col. Klink and Schultz into giving up classified info to…

Other than that, how'd you like the play Mrs. Lincoln?
5 Nov 2009 | 5:28 am

5 Nov 2009 | 5:28 am

A friend of ours was promoted this week. We're both excited for him, and profoundly sad for all of our loss. We're praying for his family and remembering him today.
Electiongate

4 Nov 2009 | 4:57 am

I haven't seen anything with "gate" on the end of it for awhile, so I thought I'd get one going.Here is what I voted for yesterday:A bunch of people I've never met and don't know much about. A vote against casinos (can that be good for a society? the working poor? the working rich? the unworking people who used to be rich, but then lost everything in a tragic boating accident?) I guessed on a few other issues. I walked out of there with a sweet sticker and a business card.This is what I didn't vote on, but would have liked to:1. A law against…
Power

3 Nov 2009 | 3:45 am

I'm wondering how much power goes into a typical blow dryer. You've probably asked yourself that very same question thousands of times.Not a day goes by without someone asking the President in a press conference that question. It's the first thing most children ask Santa Clause. You'll never see a time capsule unearthed that doesn't contain that request...O.K., I've clearly laid out the case that we're all wondering about this.Here's what I know.1. If you want to have the lights go out, you can: a. flip off the…
lesson learned

2 Nov 2009 | 3:59 am

What is the age at which you should stop going trick or treating? It would be a lot easier if they put some sort of limit on it and then we'd all know.Who are the "they" that should put this limit on the t & t?Obviously the United States Government. It's fairly awesome to see kids that are wearing full costumes, carrying plastic pumpkins full of candy in one hand and a wand/sword/prop in the other, take off full sprint from house to house to get their .2 ounces of sugar. Keep in mind that they haven't trained in these costumes - they haven't stretched out - they haven't had…
Who's the weird one?

30 Oct 2009 | 6:12 am

I was talking to my brother (we'll call him "Brian") the other day and he mentioned that he uses a razor with 13 blades...or something like that, because he gets three or four days use out of it. If he uses one of those pedestrian triple blade jobs...he's lucky to get one or two days out of it.I couldn't help but think through how long I use a razor. Typically I'm guessing I get two or three months use out of one of my Quatros (haven't paid for one in a year...coupons people...it's so simple). I clean mine out, and cut myself shaving about once a year. So who is the…

NewWest.Net All Headlines
LEED for Weeds: New Program Will Rate Green Landscapes

info@newwest.net

6 Nov 2009 | 8:39 am

A coalition formed by the American Society of Landscape Architects, the Lady Bird Johnson Wildflower Center and the United States Botanic Garden has created the nations first rating system for environmentally sensitive landscapes. As LEED has done for buildings and Energy Star has done for appliances, the Sustainable Sites Initiatives will do for outside spaces. The groups describe the program like this: Voluntary national guidelines and performance benchmarks for sustainable land design, construction and maintenance practices. Nancy Somerville, Executive Vice President and CEO of ASLA said…
Carly Fiorina for....What Did You Say?

info@newwest.net

5 Nov 2009 | 2:14 pm

Former Hewlett-Packard CEO Carly Fiorina has announced she's running for Senate in California, hoping to unseat Democratic Senator Barbara Boxer. Long one of Boise's biggest employers, HP is part of Idaho culture. It didn't take long for the Fiorina chatter to show up on Idaho blogs, including Tom von Alten's Fort Boise. von Alten, a mechanical engineer who worked at HP for twenty years and still holds stock in the company, wrote, Her campaign slogan will presumably not be 'Let me do to the country what I did to HP,' but I have no doubt she will put a positive spin on every aspect of her…
Missoula Pedestrian Ordinance May Increase Density of Sidewalk Sprawlers

info@newwest.net

5 Nov 2009 | 11:45 am

Two men sit with their legs stretched across the sidewalk, backs against the green doorway near the Oxford Bar and Grill. A younger woman with a dog stands beside them. So this is where they are sticking us, says a man who identifies himself only as Joe, as chalk lines closed around him. Joe watches with a look of disgust on his face as a curious visitor uses a tape measure and chalk to identify the spaces that will remain available for sidewalk sprawlers once Missoula's pedestrian interference ordinance takes effect on Thursday.
Property Tax Go-Round: Schweitzer Nixes Request for Special Session

info@newwest.net

5 Nov 2009 | 10:21 am

A request by the Northwest Montana Association of Realtors calling for a special session of the state Legislature to address current inadequacies in the property tax reappraisal carried out in the 2009 regular session was immediately swatted down by Gov. Brian Schweitzer last week. The letter, written by NMAR President Barb Funk, states that 11 counties, including Flathead and Lake, will be disproportionally affected by higher than expected residential property values, and asks Schweitzer to convene a special session to immediately adopt a stop gap measure to solve current reappraisal…
Commissioners Cogitate Over Consumption by Car

info@newwest.net

5 Nov 2009 | 9:45 am

The Sandpoint City Council hit a hot button last year when it proposed a temporary restriction on the construction of drive-through fast-food places. Council members wanted some time to consider how this kind of land use fit with the newly minted Comprehensive Plan, and the city had sprouted a drive-through Jack-in-the-Box while the plan was being cogitated over. Shortly thereafter, a corrugated metal farm shed turned up next to Highway 2 that turned out to be a drive-through convenience store. After the ban was passed, certain members of the community vehemently voiced their disapproval, and…

Flabbergastedly
Why Dogs May Rightfully Kill Us II

flabbergastedly

12 Oct 2009 | 2:04 pm

DON’T FORGET TO CHECK OUT THE UPDATED OVERVIEW OF ALL THE OUTRAGEOUS PICS AND POSTS ON THIS SITE! To see the first reasons for dogs rightfully killing us: click here
Communicative pics are back!

flabbergastedly

12 Oct 2009 | 1:51 pm

DON’T FORGET TO CHECK OUT THE UPDATED OVERVIEW OF ALL THE OUTRAGEOUS PICS AND POSTS ON THIS SITE! (Please be patient – loads and loads of pictures coming up.) ENJOY! For more of these go see the previous communicative pic – posts –>Here is the first round of communicative pics –>Here is the second batch
Weird Porn

flabbergastedly

18 Aug 2009 | 1:01 pm

DON’T FORGET TO CHECK OUT THE UPDATED OVERVIEW OF ALL THE OUTRAGEOUS PICS AND POSTS ON THIS SITE!
Surprisingly Creepy

flabbergastedly

18 Aug 2009 | 12:56 pm

DON’T FORGET TO CHECK OUT THE UPDATED OVERVIEW OF ALL THE OUTRAGEOUS PICS AND POSTS ON THIS SITE!
True Face of Sport

flabbergastedly

18 Aug 2009 | 12:37 pm

For more pictures of the true face of sport, check out Water sports – and why not to! (Please allow this excessive amount of pictures to load)

The Habitation of Justice
Where to next? Ideas for a Christmas adventure?

Lincoln Adams

5 Nov 2009 | 5:35 pm

The holidays are upon us, and I’ve been thinking for my next trip I’d like to go someplace that really pours on the Christmas spirit, Norman Rockwell style. I’m limiting myself to a 300 to 500 mile radius from New York, so it would likely have to be in the Northeast. Anyone have suggestions? There has to be a small town somewhere renowned for its Christmas celebrations, and I’d like to experience that if I could. I’m talking horse sleighs, Christmas carols, chestnuts roasting on an open fire, silver bells, and a partridge in a pear tree. Mistletoes would be a…
A Rash of Things to Come

Lincoln Adams

5 Nov 2009 | 3:35 pm

Or more specifically, poison ivy rashes, which I somehow got from geocaching in the woods of Pennsylvania. The irony of this? These “woods” were actually right next to a Walmart parking lot, making me think it would be an easy find. Instead I stepped into a batch of poison ivy, resulting in my leaving the state covered in itchy rashes and misery. I guess this is what I get for rooting for the Yankees in Phillies land. Oh, and also for shopping at Walmart (I realized too late there was a Target nearby all along that I could have stopped at instead. Sigh.) I won’t be making…
How a country girl reignited my fire

Lincoln Adams

4 Nov 2009 | 6:15 am

After checking into my hotel I noticed it had a faux fireplace, which had me squeeing in joy. Sure it’s a fake, but a fireplace is a fireplace, and I will take it one way or the other. And then, of course, it suddenly stopped working. No matter what I did, the thing would NOT TURN ON at all, so I went downstairs to the front desk to seek help. It was around 10 at night, so I wasn’t expecting much though. A very pretty girl was there, with long raven black hair and mocha skin, currently taking a call on the phone. After she hung up, she asked what she could do for me. “Yeah,…
Things that make me go O_O

Lincoln Adams

3 Nov 2009 | 9:45 am

So I go into Sheetz to use the restroom, and I almost put change into the slots here thinking these were dispensers for Purell handwipes. Copyright © 2006-2009, http://habitationofjustice.com. ( digitalfingerprint: b4ac507ddf2366786xfiles (74.125.44.136) )
I can never do better than four…

Lincoln Adams

3 Nov 2009 | 6:16 am

A morning at Cracker Barrel begins with frustration. Copyright © 2006-2009, http://habitationofjustice.com. ( digitalfingerprint: b4ac507ddf2366786xfiles (74.125.44.136) )

Pinhole's Blog
Coming Thoon!

Pinhole

27 Oct 2009 | 3:22 pm

Thtorieth abound…thorry, er…sorry. Stories abound. Tales of clandestine societies with incalculable influence over the founding of The United States of America. Patterns of intrigue weaving themselves around a profession as old as civilization.FactSewing harkens back to the Paleolithic Era.Originally, needles, like weapons, were manufactured from bone, ivory and thorns.A child playing under a quilting frame in the basement of a Methodist church, while his Grandma pieced the item together with the rest of her guild, who bashed his shin on the leg of the frame and…
Maybe A Nice Tweed...

Pinhole

21 Oct 2009 | 5:05 pm

For the past couple of years a cheap electric guitar has leered at me from the corner of my computer/drawing room. My fingers and I finally had a long talk where we decided it was either time to learn to play the thing, or drape a jacket over it so it couldn’t make fun of us.By Tuesday it became obvious why the term “fret” was employed in describing the sectioning of the neck of the guitar. Fretting notes, fretting chords, fretting that I wouldn’t be able to control the bleeding at the tips of my fingers. There was obviously more to learning this instrument than I…
Colored Water - The World of Zach Babat

Pinhole

19 Oct 2009 | 3:56 pm

Love has grown weary from over exertion. The word, I mean. The concept actually lost all relevance in the Sixties, about the time Coca Cola decided they’d like to buy the entire world an ice-cold beverage. It’s far too common to hear someone mention their “love” of the late Farrah Fawcett’s hair, a particular movie, or French fries, and in the same breath proclaim an unending affection for their children. I always wonder how much therapy is required when said child realizes his or her parents are as passionate about them as they are a crisp golden potato…
And Awaaaaay We Go!

Pinhole

13 Oct 2009 | 6:05 pm

Rocks don’t need maps. It’s not that rocks don’t experience movement; they simply don’t experience a choice in manner or direction. Wind, water, the whim of some child, or adult with too much time on its hands, who wants to see how many times a stone will skip across the pond are a rock’s major modes of transportation. All requiring no pre-flight plan. And it turns out that Simon & Garfunkel were right.I am a rock.Lately, it seems the Focus is gathering dust in the garage while I’m bandied about by wind, water and the whims of children and adults with…
Keep Fit? Or Throw one?

Pinhole

8 Oct 2009 | 3:36 pm

Before starting this, or any, exercise program it’s important to consult your tailor. When you invariably throw up after your first workout you’ll want to be wearing an outfit that resists staining. This is also the reason it’s important not to eat Spanish rice sooner than 2 days prior to starting your routine.Trust me on this one.Since the cat died, and I can’t hear her ghost laugh, I am finally able to wear shorts during my workout. This means I remain much cooler and have more freedom of movement as I step onto the deck for a cup of coffee as the DVD plays the…

Small & Big
Clock Changing For Dummies

P.L. Frederick

2 Nov 2009 | 3:00 pm

My President Bush Senior ventriloquist dummy barks, “Read my post: no new times!”The Ethics Of Changing Time, Or 10 Minutes To AbsurdThere are 24 hours in a day. This is one of those truisms you learn when you’re eight, like “You put your tongue on that frozen pipe there’s gonna be trouble,” and “You eat that entire bowl of cashews there’s gonna be trouble.” So why, two times a year, must this change?©2009 P.L. Frederick. Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 3.0 United States License. All other copyrights…
The Undead Zombie Spoon

P.L. Frederick

31 Oct 2009 | 3:00 pm

Behold, my dearies: the haunting spoon, risen on All Hallow’s Eve, sharp and deranged, seeking soft pink tongues, human tongues. Like your own. Cutlery of the undead, unstoppable by modern methods of recycling, patiently waiting thousands of years to fulfill its destiny.And now, a word from Vincent Price...©2009 P.L. Frederick. Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 3.0 United States License. All other copyrights owned by their respective owners.
Your Dog Would Love You Even More If You Were Kitty-Litter Morsels (Part 5)

P.L. Frederick

30 Oct 2009 | 3:00 pm

The conclusion to our groundbreaking five-part exposé on canines, love, and yuck. This final piece provides guidance on where to go from here, in your poop suit.It is important to give this new wardrobe some settling-in time: go easy on yourself as you adapt to working with an all-brown palette, and to losing some friends. (Earth tones look magnificent on you and those weren’t true friends.) Just look, look!, at how happy you are making the dog. During moments of doubt, and there will one or two, take a calming breath and bring to mind just this morning, before leaving for work, her…
Your Dog Would Love You Even More If You Were Kitty-Litter Morsels (Part 4)

P.L. Frederick

29 Oct 2009 | 3:00 pm

Finally, the troubling, yet promising, solution to your pet ordeal. The moment you’ve been waiting on for four nail-biting days.Good for you: the first step in overcoming any situation is accepting what is. I smell acceptance. You are ready to move to the next level: intensifying canine love. The way to do so is, as they say, in your hands. And all over you. The way, it is simple and will also cut your clothing budget by 100%. Ready? Here it is.You can increase your pet’s love by, each morning and for the rest of your days, putting on poop socks, poop underwear, poop pants, and a…
Your Dog Would Love You Even More If You Were Kitty-Litter Morsels (Part 3)

P.L. Frederick

28 Oct 2009 | 3:00 pm

At part three, we’re in the meat of this five-part exposé on canines, love, and yuck.Yes, of course, your dog loves you from the bottom of her heart. But your dog loves eating the unmentionable from the tip of her wet nose and soft tongue to the bottom of her steel-lined stomach, on through the rest of the plumbing, to that exit point* where her waggly tail attaches. Which love is more far reaching? Which love doesn’t drag her to the vet or slop her with soap? Which love involves digging for pirate treasure? Exactly. It is your lot in life to be number two to number two.* The…

Chris Wood's blog
My harshest critic has always been ... erm, somebody else

4 Nov 2009 | 8:50 am

This week, I broke my own record (accidentally) by receiving two (yes that's two, count 'em!) one star reviews on UK Amazon, for my priceless philosophical work Sherlock Holmes and the Underpants of Death.Apparently my sense of humour leaves something to be desired, like the funny bits.I'm all for freedom of speech - let people demand that governments fall, bombs rain like sleet on the heads of that bloke they work with who keeps annoying them and all the rest of it. It follows that I have no objection to them saying this. I really don't.But I do wish they hadn't!Here's a snippet:"I had to…
Let's Make With That Can't Do Spirit!

1 Nov 2009 | 9:16 am

Tomorrow a new half term begins. I'm at a new school, faced with new students, a new class of arsey rebel 14 year olds who think anyone over 18 is hideously old, decrepit and just waiting for God.I have to say I'm pleased with it. My supply teaching experiences thus far have been fairly good - a mixture of primary and secondary (grade and high school, I think!) schools. Some of have been surprisingly good. At one, in particularly rough area, I was faced with angel faced six year olds, a world away from the hormone gremlins that afflict teens.So far, so good. This morning I awoke with a sense…
... and the big wheel keeps on turning ...

29 Oct 2009 | 11:13 am

Today I met with someone I have demonised. At one point I had nothing good to say for him. It's been this way for years, even decades. At times I have tried and tried hard.There are days when just being alive feels like victory. Sometimes the anger stews for so long it sits like vomit inside me, waiting to burst out. Being around people can feel like an invasive chore.Being around this man used to feel like certain types of drug experience: slight nausea on the way, blinding intensity for the duration and the melancholy come down. On my way to meet him, I used to feel like that.After this…
Politics Today, Politics Yesterday

21 Sep 2009 | 4:10 pm

Before I start this post, a quick question:What's the difference?andDifficult, isn't it? Sean Hannity, Fox anchor, right wing broadcaster and all around conservative mouthpiece, and Benny Hill, funnyman, cheeky fellow and clown.One of these people is politically unsound, always making a fool of himself and is regarded as a product of a bygone era. The other is a deceased comedian who was an expert at slapstick and saucy postcard style humour.One of these people is harmless, the practitioner of views that are out of date today but don't present any real problem - we know better and can laugh…
A New Age - God Help Us!

14 Sep 2009 | 10:01 am

My garden is tidy for the first time in ages. The inside of the house looks less like Vincent Price died in it after a massive DVD marathon than usual. I am more in control of my finances and my green veg intake. I even made soup last week.God damn it but MATURITY has set in. Oh, I know you must hate this. Sad to say that my days of ignominious fart jokes and nob humour are behind me ... yeah right, let's not go too far. I'm not sure I want to share too much of the new, intelligent me - largely because I don't want many people yelling "BOLLOCKS!" at me whenever possible. Outside teaching,…

Paris Blog - Stuff Parisians like by Olivier Magny - O Chateau
L’Ile Saint-Louis

Olivier Magny

25 Oct 2009 | 7:04 am

When it comes to real estate, Parisians tend to settle for good enough. Thankfully enough. For if all Parisians lived where they really wanted to, L’Ile Saint-Louis would most likely drown. L’Ile Saint-Louis has it all. It is central but isolated, beautiful but discrete, vibrant but quiet. L’Ile Saint-Louis is the essence of Paris. Its nest. Its most charming smile. No Parisian fails to notice that. Parisians are all irremediably in love with that island. Indefectible love it is- the type of love you know will never leave you. A love that ends up defining you. Crossing…
Considering Americans stupid

Olivier Magny

9 Oct 2009 | 6:33 am

Parisians have a bit of a different physiology. Things like a certain inability to smile are quite well known expressions of this phenomenon. Some are much lesser known: an interesting experience when chatting with a Parisian is to place the words ”Les Américains” in a sentence. These two words put together - in any imaginable sentence - immediately trigger a chemical reaction in the Parisian’s brain. When hearing the phrase “Les Américains“, the Parisian will implacably lose track of his previous ideas to just be taken over by one overpowering…
Spotting slight errors in French

Olivier Magny

11 Sep 2009 | 7:20 am

Parisians live in the comfortable belief that they master French better than anyone else. Not only do they speak the best French, they also speak French the best. If the French language were a summit, Parisians would be standing at the very top of it. The fact that most Parisians speak a dumbed down, English-sprinkled and verlan-twisted form of French is irrelevant. Parisians are the Edmund Hillarys of French. One of the things Parisians enjoy the most in life is learning new incorrect terms, usages or phrases. While Parisians are unable to remember jokes, they systematically remember…
Cherry Tomatoes

Olivier Magny

30 Aug 2009 | 12:07 pm

Louis Armstrong says tomato. No matter what, so does Ella Fitzgerald. Parisians on the other hand, prefer to say cherry tomato. Parisians are that cool. One of the dimensions of cool in Paris implies being over tomatoes. As for all determinants of cool, being over tomatoes is something the Parisian is completely oblivious to. The Parisian happily eats tomatoes, but no longer buys them. When it comes to tomatoes, it seems that cool was a word simply created for the Parisian. Meet the thrilling cherry tomato. All the qualities of a tomato, minus the defects. When asked “Why cherry…
Les Belges

Olivier Magny

28 Jul 2009 | 7:07 am

Parisians are all high flying anthropologists. They know about other people and about other countries. Expertly enough, they manage to synthesize their in-depth knowledge about the people of any given country down to one adjective. This adjective cannot be challenged. Thus proving that it is accurate. As an example, Americans are stupid, Portuguese are hairy, Vietnamese are Chinese, and Belgians are sympa… ”Ils sont sympas les belges!” To cheer a Parisian up, there is nothing like mentioning the word “belge“. Immediately, a joyful and smily heap of…

AC
'The Angry Clown Halloween weird shit that you should dump shit on that's funny list '

30 Oct 2009 | 3:49 am

Its Halloween bitches and AC has some candy for you. Usually we would do a special post or tell a story or some shit to celebrate what ever holiday it is but this time we thought we would go elsewhere, literally.OMFG I can hear you say your more excited then a jack rabbit with a gun and a reason to use it. Right anyways. Forget all those other sites that offer crap here we offer crap+ more= Osama Bin Laden happiness, you'll wake up everyday like it was September 11 2001 YES that fucking happy.Fucking terrorists! Halloween is good and here's ya shit enjoy!I've spent seconds of my precious life…
This Is sh-it

28 Oct 2009 | 12:37 pm

Michael looking for loveThe review you've been waiting for since the untimely death of Michael and since the making of a movie made to suck the last dollar out of slightly un-right people that praise weirdness like its some sort of godly feature.'This is sh-it' is a tale of woe about a man that apparently sings about being black when he is clearly white and gone to a lot of trouble to get that way. Its about Billie Jean which is obviously a guy and also sings about acceptance of other cultures when he cant even accept his own.The performance by Michael Jackson who plays a skinny white sickly…
Clean up

25 Oct 2009 | 9:23 pm

AC is different you may of noticed Its been a while since we have changed and to get the ball rolling I thought a new face would start it off.AC is turning from rude/crude to clever funny smart that is rude and crude it will take me a while to get all the widgets/crap back up and a lot will be discarded along the way.I invite all the authors, guests and Static (haha) to come back and help AC be as good as it can be.Cheers, Angry Clown
Lick The Big Bone (Revised)

7 Jul 2009 | 6:50 pm

^ Another Guest Post Courtesy of StaticYou can thank Thomas Jefferson, the third President of the United States (1801–1809), and the principal author of the Declaration of Independence (1776), for starting what would become the largest collection of North American Mammoth fossil bones (in scientific speak that means, old massive pricks.) **No thanks to that wonderful duo, Lewis and Clark and their perverse expedition across America.**History and science come together in this fascinating story of a woodland salt lick and how the fossilized Big Bones found there influenced the beginnings of…
Felt so fucken good

20 May 2009 | 3:19 pm

Well well well here we are again, thought you had gotten rid of me for good? NO WAY MAN I'm not that easy to scare away and you're probably thinking it was you that made my brain stop but guess what it wasn't you so stop being so fucking vain! Dick.This picture fucken sucksEnough talk your probably all wanting to hear some great stories and lulz that only I can supply. Bad luck I've only got shit to say and thats the way I like it, I hate being serious as you all know and poking fun at the less fortunate is what its all about (it makes me feel like a big man)!I cant say exactly why I went…

Tiggyblog
Back in 10 Minutes

Tiggy

4 Nov 2009 | 2:45 am

“Back in 10 Minutes”. I walk three miles to the convenience store, only to find a scrappily-written note stuck to the door. Back in ten minutes? When is that? Is this the first minute, or the ninth? I wait ten minutes, but no-one comes back. What a shoddy way to run a store! Time passes. I begin to wonder if something has happened to the clerk. Is he lost? Has he been hit by a truck while crossing the street? Or brutally murdered in an alley? Perhaps I should call the emergency services. I wait another ten minutes. Now I’m getting worried. The clerk must have met with…
Meat Beat Gets Arty… with Meat!

Tiggy

28 Oct 2009 | 3:54 am

Monty: Hey there Tiggy fans! Monty O’Drizzle here, world-renowned hunter an’ King of the Kill! Today, me an’ my assistant Bob Nutter have been takin’ a look at the wonderful world of meat art. Bob: Yes folks, you heard Monty right. Meat isn’t just for eating! Monty: I told ya meat is useful! Now, I’m not one for wastin’ my time in art galleries, unless they let me shoot at stuff, hey? But I’d hire out my Momma out for target practice, to own summa this art! Bob: So Monty, let’s have a wander down our virtual meat-art exhibition. First up…
Tiggy’s Hit Parade: Futuristic Folk Songs of the Future!

Tiggy

19 Oct 2009 | 3:50 am

Music fans! Confused by the choice at your local record store? Want to get ‘with it’ and ‘hip’ like all the cats at the local Hop? Or something? Check out Tiggy’s Hit Parade! (Unfortunately, Tiggy doesn’t possess a turntable or any musical knowledge, so all reviews are entirely fictional). Prepare to get all folked-up with this folking awesome LP! 8. Folk Songs for the 21st Century The 21st century may seem like a long way off now, but think of the fun we’ll have in the future! Space travel will be as easy as catching a bus, holidays to Jupiter will…
Kids Say the Funniest Things: Dear God

Tiggy

12 Oct 2009 | 7:10 am

Hey kids, if you had to write a letter to God, what what you say to Him? Aren’t little ones so precious!
Tiggy’s Shopping Bizarre: Teeny Princess Machine Gun

Tiggy

6 Oct 2009 | 3:50 am

Moms! Looking for a special gift for your precious daughter? Does your little lady want the best and wants it now - or else? Nothing says “I love you” more than this oh-so-cute Teeny Princess semi-automatic machine gun! Now your loved one can feel safe on the streets amongst the hordes of drug dealers, rapists and terrorists - and coordinates perfectly with her favourite girly outfits! * Your little girl will be Queen Popular at school - they’ll all want to be her friend - or else! * Feel free to let your daughter run errands to the drug store, shopping mall or crack house…

Beyond Left Field
The Rodney Dangerfield Of Traffic Signs

Don

6 Nov 2009 | 6:33 am

Yield is not an uncommon word nor is it a stranger to drivers. However, with many, if not most younger drivers, the word seems incomprehensible. I'm not sure if the word is foreign to them, but it has to be the most ignored word on the roads today. Around the local university there are several intersections with clearly visible yield signs posted. Apparently, drivers pulling into traffic seem to believe that's meant for other lanes of cars and not theirs. Once a student blew a yield sign right in front of me and cut me off. She darted into a parking lot about a block away with me on her tail.
To The Gay Dude That eMails Me-

Don

5 Nov 2009 | 10:21 am

I live by certain rules dictated by homophobia, and then there are the important ones. "Don't judge a book by it's cover" is not one of them, however. I have prejudged you. Most of the time I'm wrong, but I delight in judging you and making fun of you. See, it's a way to minimize my faults. I think I'm better than I am if I convince myself that I'm surrounded by idiots and retards. Anyway, back to the homophobic thing... If I see a guy taking extra "care" picking out cucumbers or zucchini at the grocery then I assume he is probably gay-like you. You will fondle the cukes much like many women…
Justice? How About My Candy Bar?

Don

4 Nov 2009 | 3:00 am

My heart screams for justice! Oh, who the hell am I kidding? Halloween night I paid a brief visit to a convenience store not far from my house. This particular store has been robbed three times since summer. Halloween night was probably not the best time to go there, but I had to get a candy bar-for me. Now here's where the injustice occurred, a couple of teenagers were hanging around the front door wearing costumes, i.e., their normal clothing. The clerk was familiar with me so he struck up a conversation while I was checking out, and then he began to ask me a bunch of stupid questions about…
It's All About The Ups And Downs

Don

3 Nov 2009 | 7:23 am

I have no problems with government controls or being over taxed or fraud and waste at the highest levels. I do have a deep seated problem with toilet lids! It's not so much the lid itself. Not the size or shape and certainly not the color...it's the position stupid! Why is it that we boys are "supposed" to put the lid down when we are through pissin'? Why don't women put the friggin' thing in the upright position when they're finished? Think of a toilet seat as the tray you eat from in an airplane, and it's about to land! It's that simple. Women use the seat down position any time they use…
Tinnitus Is Music To My Ears

Don

2 Nov 2009 | 3:00 am

I have tinnitus (ringing in the ear). I've had it for years, and usually it's easy for me to ignore. For several years I've experienced auditory hallucinations which are not only fascinating but quite literally pleasant. I don't hear imaginary voices or trees talking, but I here music. Not just any music mind you-symphonic! I haven't bothered to do anything about it because I usually only hear it when I'm in bed and it is beautiful to "listen" to. It's totally real! I only wish that I could put in requests for personal favorites. For instance, my left ear is ringing loudly right now.

Out of the mouth of Dave
Achieving Immortality through snack foods

Dave

29 Oct 2009 | 2:00 pm

"I pledge allegiance to our Twinkie overlord. May his creamy filling and flaky goodness continue to flourish. Amen" That's what they will be saying soon about me - just you wait and see.I am writing this latest post from within the comfy confines of my ACME brand hermetically sealed bubble. The media has stirred us up to a level of hysteria not seen since the infamous Princess Diana and Mother Theresa pictorial in Playboy. Swine Flu is everywhere. The death of mankind is imminent! Civilization will be wiped out leaving nothing but cockroaches and Twinkies to dance on our corpses!I ask you…
Government Agency gives hope to parents of bratty children

Dave

14 Oct 2009 | 6:44 am

Parents wash daughters mouth out with soap and get arrested!The media is full of stories like these. Stories of parents who use "tough love" techniques in an attempt to discipline their brood of foul mouthed malcontents. These stories never end well for the parents involved. They are usually dragged off to work in a chain gang as a result of an anonymous call to the authorities from a "concerned citizen".Perhaps you are a parent of a foul mouthed malcontent, or maybe you work with one. Well you can now rest easy knowing that Big Brother has officially entered the child discipline business.I'm…
Scientists create the Woman of the future.

Dave

1 Oct 2009 | 6:36 am

These are exciting times we live in. I just read in the latest issue of "The Scientific Armenian" that scientists have created the woman of the future. The same people who brought us Dolly the Sheep now bring us the Six Breasted Woman.Now before you send me any nasty emails - let me explain how and why scientists developed this woman of the future. More and more women are going in for fertility treatment to enable them to have a child. In the olden days - the 1970's - there where few occurrences of people having twins and even fewer triplets. Sure you would see twins out and about in society,…
America's Hot New Reality Show

Dave

24 Sep 2009 | 5:10 am

You just have to read the tabloids to see all the stars(?) crying about how they where abused as a child by their father/mother nanny etc. How they where forced into a destructive cycle of alcohol and drug abuse, because they where not allowed to have their own cell phone growing up in da hood. If all the magazines documenting the hardships of celebrities where laid out end to end, it would circle the world several times over.If you want examples I have provided a few links for you:Christina Aguilera talking about her father beating her for disturbing his afternoon nap.Daughter of The Mamas…
George & Osama - an off broadway play

Dave

12 Sep 2009 | 3:09 pm

The anniversary of 9-11 was marked by memorials services, speeches and one very happy former President of the USA - George W Bush. Allow me to explain;A key component of George Dubya's Presidency was him ranting and raving about finding the nefarious Osama Bin Laden. The man responsible for the attack on America on Sept 11. "Wanted Dead or Alive" was the mantra at the White House. And for years the White House used bunker busting bomb, after bunker busting bomb hoping to cook themselves up one reclusive Jihadist. But alas George Dubya completed his Presidency without being able to announce to…

Late For the Sky
You Must Remember This

5 Nov 2009 | 5:21 am

Before my mom died and before we knew she had dementia, she lived with my sister and my sister's daughter. One evening the three of them were out to dinner. When Mom needed to use the bathroom, she wondered aloud whether this restaurant had a well-maintained one or a nasty, foul one."Oh, they have a nice bathroom here, Gramma," my niece said, "you've used it before.""I have never been in the bathroom here," Mom assured her."Yes you have, Gramma.""I should know if I'd been in the bathroom or not."My niece was hurt by this contradiction but she is persistent when she knows she is right."You…
Light Up This Guy Like a Flame

3 Nov 2009 | 7:30 pm

Recently we watched the original, 1980 “Fame” movie about a performing arts high school in New York which was remarkable because there was only one gay kid in the entire collection of dance, theater and music students.Montgomery MacNeil’s homosexuality is not just presented as an anomaly; he reveals it as his response to the theater class assignment, “tell us your most painful moment”. Montgomery explains to his classmates that his therapist told him the condition is “probably a life choice”. Monty morosely relates that he is “getting a lot of help” and he is amused by the…
San Francisco, Here I Come

2 Nov 2009 | 10:42 am

So they reopened the San Francisco-Oakland Bay Bridge today and somehow I managed to be at the front of the line. Well, what happened was, I was in the line for the alternate route, my car just idling while I perused the tabloids in the rack (btw, Kate Gosselin is pregnant with Roman Polanski’s baby) and I was the first to notice the Caltrans guy standing at the Bay Bridge entrance, waving people over as he opened the lane and booted his register.I rushed over there, but, just before driving onto the bridge, I froze up. I looked left and right and all the lanes were blocked by drivers…
Is Satan in Your Sweets?

30 Oct 2009 | 9:51 am

"If this holiday is hallowed, whose service is it set apart for? The answer to that question is very easy—Lucifer’s!… [M]ost of the candy sold during this season has been dedicated and prayed over by witches! I do not buy candy during the Halloween season. Curses are sent through the tricks and treats of the innocent whether they get it by going door to door or by purchasing it from the local grocery store. The demons cannot tell the difference."– Kimberly Daniels I was alerted to this warning by Mock, Paper, Scissors. The helpful Halloween hint comes from Daniels' article on Pat…
Asst A.G. With E.D. is SOL in S.C.

29 Oct 2009 | 6:03 pm

When a man can’t hang out at the cemetery with a stripper on his lunch hour without having his emergency sex toys questioned by police, then, well, then I don’t know what. “COLUMBIA, S.C. -- A deputy assistant attorney general who said he was on his lunch break when an officer found him with a stripper and sex toys in his sport utility vehicle has been fired.Roland Corning, 66, and the 18-year-old woman with him, an employee of the Platinum Plus Gentleman's Club, gave conflicting stories about what they were doing in the cemetery. Corning gave (police officer) Wines a badge showing he…

Beauty Tips for Ministers
PB Be Back Around Turkey Time!

PeaceBang

6 Nov 2009 | 7:56 pm

Darlingest darlings! PeaceBang is going to ignore this blog for awhile, but never fear, she’ll be back! Meanwhile, send your questions and photos (click on the “Need PeaceBang’s Help” link above and it will get sent to my personal e-mail address) and we’ll save them up for some fun posties at holiday time! Kiss of peace, PB Share This Hide Sites
NY Times Article

PeaceBang

6 Nov 2009 | 5:41 am

We knew this, didn’t we, kids!? http://www.nytimes.com/2009/11/06/business/economy/06shoes.html?_r=1&th&emc=th Share This Hide Sites
Bangs Photos

PeaceBang

5 Nov 2009 | 1:29 pm

These are bad bangs. They looked like a DYI project that went wrong, and badly upset the balance of the face. These are also bad bangs. They’re silly and dated. I hope this is an old photo. What a pretty gal — but no woman in a position of power should sport a ‘do like this. These are bad bangs of the type I saw on two church websites this week … on clergywomen. Straight out of the 80’s (and in fact, this image does come from the 80’s!). Grow those puppies out or pin them up. These are GOOD BANGS: There are a LOT of unflattering bangs out there. I see…
BAD BANGS

PeaceBang

4 Nov 2009 | 6:17 am

****THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT!!**** IF YOU ARE WEARING BANGS CURLED ACROSS YOUR FOREHEAD, YOU ARE WOEFULLY OUT OF DATE IN YOUR APPEARANCE. PLEASE GET TO A STYLIST AS SOON AS POSSIBLE AND REMEDY THIS SERIOUS ERROR. NO MATTER WHAT YOU WEAR ON YOUR BODY, IF YOU ARE WEARING BANGS CURLED UNDER, IT DOESN’T MATTER. YOU MIGHT AS WELL BE WEARING YOUR BATHROBE. THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION. Share This Hide Sites
e-Bay

PeaceBang

3 Nov 2009 | 5:04 pm

Doves, Since we’ve been talking about buying clothing at a reasonable price, I cannot agree enough someone’s good advice to try on clothing in the store, find your style and your size and then shop on e-Bay! I have had very good luck with this method, only once purchasing something that looked cheap and crappy when I received it (my mistake for not knowing the brand in advance). I find holiday/dressy items to be impossibly expensive and frustrating to find in the stores, so I browse e-Bay for ideas. This year I decided that I would find one great sequined top to wear with jeans…

Maxi Cane
Fuck it

Maxi

6 Nov 2009 | 6:12 pm

That is all.
Spamtastic

Maxi

5 Nov 2009 | 5:20 pm

I get spammed quite a lot, most blogs do. It’s rarely a problem as we have spam filters and blockers to catch them and stop them clogging up our comments. I get worried about the kind of people who spam me, and their spam content. Of course I get the usual 72 question mark spam, the people who say they love my site and link back to their web cam site and as always the gay sex sites who mistake my use of reference to Twink. But I check in my spam folder every now and again just to make sure no normal people have been trapped. Here’s a few of the more interesting messages that…
I don’t seem so weird now, do I?

Maxi

4 Nov 2009 | 5:07 pm

I’ve got a bit of a rep for being a filth monger. The descriptions of this here site on some other people’s sites and blogrolls warn of the content here. That’s fair enough I suppose, even if I do have a get out of jail free safe button there on the side, just in case someone looks over your shoulder. It’s no secret that I’m quite partial to the odd fetish. Lesbians, stockings, strap ons (watching or receiving, the red heads choice), red heads, and feet. I love feet. You all know this. I love toes, socks, strappy shoes, anything to do with women’s…
Things not to say at the moment of penetration

Maxi

3 Nov 2009 | 5:18 pm

Over the years, I’ve penetrated many a female. I’ve also got a habit of not keeping my mouth in check when the glorious moment of penetration is upon us. Being the ever generous person that I am, I’m going to share some such verbal gems so that you can store them in your memory banks and not use them to cock block yourself. You’re welcome: 1. Can you try and tighten up this time? 2. No way, yer ma has the same mole! 3. Jesus, you’re drier than a camel’s nuts in a sand storm. 4. This is what a big boy does with it. 5. Are you sure…
Wank of the Week

Maxi

2 Nov 2009 | 8:36 pm

She’s from England, I think. She speaks with an American accent, which is weird. Although she used to sound like Justin Lee Collins, so it’s not all bad I suppose. She’s madder than a bag of psyche ward shite, but she’s also partial to a bottle of red hair dye. Which is nice. But being nuttier than a monkey turd in a monkey nut factory means she also dyes her hair pink or blue of purple or baby vomit green or unicorn spunk turquoise. But who doesn’t love a mad bint who is two drummers short of a doobie brothers? You could fuck her all day if you…

The Turkey Sandwich Report
Stewart’s Turkey at the Rackhouse Pub

Neal

31 Oct 2009 | 6:00 pm

Today, October 31, 2009, was the big day. The Rackhouse Pub opened today and unveiled what will probably be one of the hottest attractions in Denver. No, not the 20-some-odd Colorado craft brews or the Stranahan’s Colorado Whiskey. The hot attraction is their “Stewart’s Turkey” sandwich. Although we were not the first lunch patrons in the pub’s existence, I was the first to have the Stewart’s Turkey – see video below: more about “Stewart’s Turkey at the Rackhouse Pub“, posted with vodpod My reaction after eating the rest of the…
Robots want to know: Is a Turkey Bologna Sandwich a Turkey Sandwich or Bologna Sandwich?

Neal

30 Oct 2009 | 11:57 am

more about “Robots want to know: Is a Turkey Bolo…“, posted with vodpod
Turkey Sandwich Report Mailbag: Cheese Edition

Neal

24 Oct 2009 | 3:10 pm

From time to time, the Turkey Sandwich Report gets a some questions about sandwiches. We are a full-service blog and we want to make sure our loyal readers get the answers they need. So, let’s open up the ol’ Turkey Sandwich Report and see what people want to know. What kind of cheese would you suggest for someone who is new to the different kinds of cheese? I just want to know what would be best for a plain turkey sandwich – turkey, lettuce, pickle, mayo, etc. -Jenny Jenny, I always tell people to start simple. I’ve seen too many people go nuts with their cheese…
The Turkey Sandwich, with a Touch of Class

Neal

21 Oct 2009 | 9:22 pm

Fancy Turkey Sandwich, originally uploaded by nealdstewart. Not all Turkey Sandwiches come from shit-hole delis, gas stations or dirt bag taverns. Even the Turkey Sandwich Report steps up in class every once in a while. We really stepped it up last night in Seattle after seeing Ben Folds perform with the Seattle Symphony Orchestra, the TSR dined at local hot spot, Purple Cafe. Sure they offer “syrah poached mission figs with prosciutto di parma” and “roasted new zealand pork chops”, but they also offer a Turkey Sandwich. This particular Turkey Sandwich comes with…
Denver Awaits the Arrival of STEWART’S TURKEY

Neal

18 Oct 2009 | 3:55 pm

Big news people. My protege, Chris Rippe is opening a bar in Denver called the Rackhouse Pub. It’s in the same building as the new Stranahan’s Colorado Whiskey Distillery. That’s all fine and dandy, but the really big news is that he will be serving a Turkey Sandwich called “Stewart’s Turkey.” Yes, that’s right – there is now a Turkey Sandwich named after yours truly, the Founder of this Turkey Sandwich Report. I visited Chris today and talked to him about this epic sandwich. Click here or on the video below to view why he named it after…

The Hunters Wife
Morton High School Football 2009

Jody

6 Nov 2009 | 5:46 am

Go Govs! I couldn’t let today pass without wishing the 2009 Morton High School football team good luck at tonight’s sectional game against Hobart High School. Morton has had an exciting season of 10-1 and tonight’s game is an important one. I’m a 1984 graduate of Morton and back in the day we never missed a Friday night football game. Having played volleyball for Morton, I love high school sports. It’s exciting to see a good all around team come together like they have this year. And it’s always exciting when your friend from back in the day has a son…
My Hunter To The Rescue

Jody

5 Nov 2009 | 7:17 am

Yes I am one of those wives that constantly calls her husband’s name to come to the rescue … Mark, there’s a spider. Mark, my duck eggs are gone. Mark, I think I cut my finger trying to cut an onion. Mark, I heard a noise. Mark, I had a bad dream. Mark, there’s a snake in the yard. Oh it’s a worm. And he gets up every time to come to my rescue. Even when the spider is just a piece of fuzz. And last night… Mark, oh dear gosh my nose is bleeding. Oh never mind it’s a butterfly on the paper towel I just used. And today when he gets home from…
Lovesick Bucks – Love Is In The Air

Jody

3 Nov 2009 | 4:24 am

It’s that time of year. The pre-rut or the peak of the rut. I’m not exactly sure. I’m not a hunter or huntress. But I do know hunters are scrambling to the woods in hopes of connecting with some lovesick buck. This was a post I did about a year ago and I thought it was the perfect time of year to share it once again… The other night my hunter and I were chatting about the details of the 12 point buck he just harvested. Normally I really try and hold my attention to the conversation but my mind wonders when it comes to deer hunting. I can’t explain it. I’m…
Armed and Outdoorsy Dangerous

Jody

2 Nov 2009 | 3:53 am

Yes that’s right, I’m packing a weapon thanks to Jane at Team Huntress and her secret little helper, Stacey. I can’t tell you how excited I was to get a secret little gift in the mail from Jane. And I can’t thank them enough for thinking of me and providing me with the ultimate weapon of choice. It couldn’t be more perfect for someone like me because I don’t pack a gun in the back of my levis and I don’t stalk the woods with a bow in arm. Jane Keller is the founder of Team Huntress which was formed as an avenue to direct and empower women on their…
Happy Halloween and Happy Birthday

Jody

31 Oct 2009 | 6:46 am

Happy Halloween! And Happy Birthday to my monster! Be safe all and have a spooky good time tonight.

My Mom is a Fob
Freudian Flight

mmiaf

5 Nov 2009 | 9:35 am

Suffice to say, my mother had a rather unfortunate experience on Google this morning.
Frowny Frog

mmiaf

2 Nov 2009 | 11:45 am
Shameless Public Resting

mmiaf

2 Nov 2009 | 11:42 am

About a week ago, my parents and I were flying from Austin to Santa Ana, after we claiming our luggage we decided to wait outside for our relatives to pick us up. Our total flight time was about 4 hrs 30 mins, and my mom was pretty tired. Here is a picture that I took of her ‘resting’ while we were waiting in the cool California air for our pick up. Keep in mind that there were people sitting before she got there.
Texts From Last Night

mmiaf

28 Oct 2009 | 4:29 pm

This is a text sent from my mom to my sister, sent completely out of the blue at 12:21 a.m.: you can not give people a pillow. must be two
Mastering internet slang

mmiaf

24 Oct 2009 | 10:12 pm

*On Gchat* Mom: ok, study hard. ttyl =3 (I don’t know how to do that heart thing???) I then proceeded to teach her how to make a “<3″ heart instead of a “=3″ penis looking thing.

Comedy Videos
LIVEVIDEO POOP: Thunderbirds are MESSED UP!

6 Nov 2009 | 6:57 am

A Commercial for the VHS Tapes of Thunderbirds, Captain Scarlet and more has some malfunction.... Dedicated to all Gerry Anderson Fans! Dan5589 NOTE: All Things were Copyrighted to their Respected OwnersAuthor: Dan5589Keywords: LiveVideo Poop Thunderbirds Stingray Captain Scarlet Joe Fireball XL5 Supercar Secret Service Space 1999 VHS Commercial Malfunction Mr Men TTTE Emily Little Miss Daredevil Pearl Krabs Dan5589 Added: Fri, 06 Nov 2009 14:57:10 GMTVideo codes to display this video on your website!http://www.livevideo.com
IC 125: Republicans Are The Party of Nonsense Part I

6 Nov 2009 | 6:19 am

archived videoAuthor: TheInsanityCheckKeywords: Insanity Check Added: Fri, 06 Nov 2009 14:19:45 GMTVideo codes to display this video on your website!http://www.livevideo.com
LIVEVIDEO POOP: Chrissie's Drunken Story of Life

6 Nov 2009 | 6:03 am

Chrissie Tod (Michael Angelis) has been drinking beer in the early morning at his living room...... with disasterous results. Dan5589 NOTE: All Things were Copyrighted to their Respected OwnersAuthor: Dan5589Keywords: LiveVideo Poop Boys from the Blackstuff Chrissie Tod Michael Angelis Angie TTTE Mr Men Show Drunken Story About Life Geese Hunter Dan5589 Added: Fri, 06 Nov 2009 14:03:25 GMTVideo codes to display this video on your website!http://www.livevideo.com
Booze For Idiots: Is Beer Cold

5 Nov 2009 | 10:31 pm

this was to make fun of coors cold indicator, how dumb you gotta be not to know if beer is cold or notAuthor: tnfreakKeywords: tnftv beer wiskey vodka scottch booze coors blue strip blue strip cold indicator Added: Fri, 06 Nov 2009 06:31:23 GMTVideo codes to display this video on your website!http://www.livevideo.com
Lawman

5 Nov 2009 | 6:14 pm

The Greaseman is a lawmanAuthor: david3LKeywords: The greaseman greaseman is lawman Added: Fri, 06 Nov 2009 02:14:56 GMTVideo codes to display this video on your website!http://www.livevideo.com

The Junk Drawer
Hi. It’s Windy. Did You Miss Me?

Kathy

6 Nov 2009 | 3:44 pm

As a lot of you know, there was some question about our beloved Windy’s survival over the summer. Over the last few weeks many of her tree’s leaves fell away and I knew it would be soon that we’d either see her or we wouldn’t. I’ve been bracing myself. A few days ago a colleague at work came bouncing into the office to say she thought she saw a glimpse of her. Today I got the evidence. She’s looking pretty tattered, but she is most definitely still there. Let us bow our heads and give thanks. Behold, Windy! A stripped down version of her former self, but no…
We Have a Winner!

Kathy

4 Nov 2009 | 3:00 am

Congratulations go to Kathryn of the From the Inside … Out blog for being the first to guess that Monday’s What’s That item is the part of a lawn sprinkler that controls the orientation of the water spray. You can see here that you line up the wheel with the hose connector to whatever kind of spray you want to come out. Kathryn, your magnet is in the mail! A special shout-out goes to Linda Kreitz who cracked me up when she suggested “Whatever it is…has to do with birds. You used the word “crumb” and referred to us as “peeps” on Facebook.” Trust me,…
What’s That Monday

Kathy

2 Nov 2009 | 12:30 pm

I know, I know. I usually have a What’s That item on Wednesdays, but my cold from last week is still clouding my head and I can’t think of anything else to write about. You guys usually have to suffer for that because it makes me turn the tables on you and now you have to think. How to play: 1. The photo shows a small portion of a larger object. 2. First person to guess the object wins a Junk Drawer magnet, a mystery prize or 500 Entrecard credits. Go! What’s that? UPDATE: I’ve made this too hard. I shall now give you the slightest crumb of a hint. Here goes: The item is…
Halloween Came Early

Kathy

27 Oct 2009 | 3:00 pm

Because God hates us, my husband and I started a weeklong vacation on Saturday and then promptly got colds Saturday night. This is a first for us. In the twenty three years we’ve been together, we’ve never been sick at the same time. Which means our first fear was “Who’s gonna get food for us? While I was still looking and feeling like I belonged to the land of the living, I went to the store Sunday morning and picked up a few things to last a while. But then Monday night rolled around and I was tired of chicken soup and wanted something high in calories and sweet. And…
At Least It’s Not a Boom Box

Kathy

24 Oct 2009 | 5:33 pm

Despite the rain today, I thought I’d crawl off the couch and get out for a walk. Normally, I listen to music while walking around my neighborhood, but I stopped doing that because this is what I use to listen to music. Antique Sony Walkman The last time I carried this with me, a pre-teen riding in a car with his mother shouted out the window “Mom! What’s that lady got on her head? And what’s that discus thing she’s carrying?” The mother shushed her son and said “It’s like an iPod, only Frisbee-sized. She must be destitute, so don’t make…

I Do Things So You Don't Have To
Ay, Loca! I Do Cosas So Usted Don’t Have To

JD

5 Nov 2009 | 5:53 am

And when they see me They want to be me Some of my Facebook friends are probably sick of “Ay, loca,” so it’s only fair that YOU get a chance to be sick, too. Sickness for all! It started with RuPaul’s Drag Race. Yes, there is an actual TV show with that title. It’s kind of a Top Model for drag queens, hosted, obviously, by drag queen extraordinaire RuPaul (see above, locas). Like many of these reality contests, competitors participate in challenges, scratch each others’ eyes out, tuck their junk between their legs, and get voted off one by one. Oh, and the…
I Got a Shot

JD

31 Oct 2009 | 11:47 am

Shot through the butt And you’re to blame You give butts A BAD NAME Hi! I had to get a shot the other day, and I thought I’d share my experience with you. I know many of y’all are squeamish (I first typed “squeamous”!) about getting a shot, so let Dr. JD take you through it in a non-squeamous way. First, remember that shot I got a few weeks ago for back pain? And how I felt so great and mermaid-y? Well, it lasted about a week. Oh, but what a week it was, my peeps. I enjoyed it to its fullest. But then: tragedy. It was like in the movie Flowers for Algernon where…
My Mom Shakes It so you don’t have to

JD

28 Oct 2009 | 5:32 am

Years from now when you talk about this —and you will— be kind. My mom is 74. She has COPD. And a few other issues. This week her COPD rehab class is having a Halloween party. My mom is going as a belly dancer. And she will dance. You got a problem with that? ‘Cuz she doesn’t. DANCE, MOM, DANCE! Share
I Bought a Bumpits

JD

22 Oct 2009 | 10:16 am

She had hair like Jeannie Shrimpton Back in 1965 It’s Bumpits! The famous as-seen-on-TV “hair volumizing leave-in inserts! (Careful. When you visit the Bumpits site, a loud voice tells you that “Bumpits is PUMPING UP the volume!” That may be your cue to turn your volume off.) Anyway, for the two of you who haven’t heard about this fashion trend, Bumpits is a curvey comb device that allows your hair to “go from flat to fabulous in seconds!” What the hell does that mean? Well, you know how those ladies from the ’60s had those big hair-bumps? That…
I Judge Things

JD

18 Oct 2009 | 6:56 am

Who are you to judge me? I know I said recently that I’m not the type to judge, but I NEVER said I was not the type to LIE, so that stuff about not judging was a big lie. Sorr-ee. You’d better believe I judge. And most of my judgments end in a dramatic thumbs-down. But not THIS time! Because I have been selected to judge some really fun and cool and SCARY stuff. Just wait till I tell you! I Hate My Message Board’s First Annual Scary Product Contest My good friend Tracy, over at IHMMB, has decided to throw a contest for the scariest, weirdest, freakishest, and/or creepiest…

Stuff and Nonsense
Evidence of Mud on Mars

Joel Klebanoff

2 Nov 2009 | 9:02 am

NASA has photographic evidence that mud might have flowed very recently on Mars. And when I say very recently, I’m not talking about a geological timescale. It might have happened just a few years ago. If this is true, it is almost certainly also true that there is mud on Mars today. NASA scientists compared pictures [...]
Old Fogeyisms: Twitter Edition

Joel Klebanoff

26 Oct 2009 | 11:10 am

I’m a little less than two months shy of my 57th birthday. Of course, I can’t predict when I’m going to die, but barring a medical miracle, I’m several years closer to my death than to my birth. As a result of my advancing age coupled with a bad case of rational thought, my dreams of [...]
Afterlife Sex Debate

Joel Klebanoff

21 Oct 2009 | 2:07 pm

I like getting relevant, non-spam comments on this blog. They tell me that people are actually reading my crap rather than just surfing here, dropping their Entrecard, and surfing off. I’ve noticed that a couple of topics can usually be counted on to boost my comment count somewhat. The first is religion or, rather, my lack [...]
Type A Limited God

Joel Klebanoff

19 Oct 2009 | 8:50 am

If you believe in the Book of Genesis in the Old Testament, which is the foundation of Judeo-Christian faith, I think you have to come to the conclusion that God has a Type A personality and is a touch less than omnipotent. Think about it. He creates the heavens, Earth, light, water, sky, the sun, the planets, [...]
Worrying About …

Joel Klebanoff

14 Oct 2009 | 8:04 am

Have you ever had a song pop into your head for no apparent reason? You hadn’t heard it for quite some time. Nobody mentioned the title to you recently. The lyrics weren’t particularly relevant to what you were thinking at the time. But the song pops into your head nonetheless. That happened to me recently. The [...]

Hot Ghetto Mess
Mass Shooting Mess

Jamdonaldson

6 Nov 2009 | 9:17 am

Details emerge about Fort Hood shooting suspect who killed 13 and wounded 31. He was reported harrassed for being a Muslim and called a "camel jockey." Read More.
bikini babe mess

Jamdonaldson

6 Nov 2009 | 8:21 am
hgm exemplified

Jamdonaldson

6 Nov 2009 | 8:00 am
recession mess

Jamdonaldson

6 Nov 2009 | 7:50 am

The economic downturn spared no one.
tresemme mess

Jamdonaldson

6 Nov 2009 | 7:39 am

because you're worth it...

Jumbo Dump
Jim Norton (4 dots in), Tina Fey (5 dots in) on Jay Leno Show (Complete Show)

zoid

30 Oct 2009 | 1:45 pm
Tina Fey – Ask Tina

zoid

30 Oct 2009 | 1:44 pm
Garry Shalding on the Tonight Show (2 dots in)

zoid

30 Oct 2009 | 1:44 pm
Wanda Sykes on CNN

zoid

30 Oct 2009 | 1:44 pm
Weird Al on Jimmy Falon (5 dots in)

zoid

30 Oct 2009 | 1:43 pm

Best Clean Funny Jokes
Funny movie quotes from Ship Ahoy

traymond

6 Nov 2009 | 10:19 am

Funny movie quotes fro Ship Ahoy starring Red Skelton, Eleanor Powell, Bert Lahr, Virginia O’Brien Skip Owens (Bert Lahr): Let’s go where there’s soft lights and low music, and I’ll let myself go. Fran Evans (Virginia O’Brien): You can let yourself go right now. Skip Owens (Bert Lahr): If you go to Puerto Rico, I’ll be devastated, like a ship without an udder. Skip Owens (Bert Lahr): [kissing girl’s hand and begins to go up arm] Oh, sorry - its the salmon in me trying to run upstream. Nurse: It’s time for your vitamin, Mr. Kibble. Merton Kibble…
The law of the Garbage Truck

traymond

5 Nov 2009 | 9:48 am

One day I hopped in a taxi and we took off for the airport. We were driving in the right lane when suddenly a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us. My taxi driver slammed on his brakes, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches! The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us. My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean, he was really friendly. So I asked, ‘Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!’ This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call,…
NASA engineers and the chicken launcher

traymond

4 Nov 2009 | 5:13 pm

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new airliners. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof…
Employer speak

traymond

3 Nov 2009 | 4:57 pm

Entry level position: You’ll be making minimum wage. Entry level position in an up-and-coming company: You’ll be making minimum wage; we’ll be bankrupt in a year. Profit sharing plan: Once it’s shared between the higher-ups, there won’t be a profit. Competitive salary: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors. Join our fast-paced company: We have no time to train you; you’ll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers. Nationally recognized leader: Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven’t done anything innovative since. Immediate opening: The…
Funny movie quotes from ‘The Yellow Cab Man’, starring Red Skelton

traymond

3 Nov 2009 | 2:31 am

Funny movie quotes from The Yellow Cab Man Augustus ‘Red’ Pirdy (Red Skelton): I’m an awful good housekeeper, and good housekeepers are hard to get, and to keep. Gee, I hope I don’t quit. Augustus ‘Red’ Pirdy (Red Skelton): I’ve been hit by so many cars I ought to join the automobile club. I could be on the winning end for a change. Augustus ‘Red’ Pirdy (Red Skelton): That, gentlemen, demonstrates what happens to ordinary glass. Notice it’s broken on both sides. Augustus ‘Red’ Pirdy (Red Skelton): …

Weird News Files
Woman Keeps McDonalds Burger for 12 Years

weirdnews

26 Oct 2009 | 9:00 pm

Morgan Spurlock did this in Super Size Me, for about a year. But Karen Hanrahan has kept a McDonald's hamburger since 1996. After 12 years, it still looks ready to eat. Frightening!
High Heels for Global Warming

weirdnews

16 Oct 2009 | 9:22 pm

Fashionistas need not fear the rising tide - shoe designers have come to their rescue.
Man Finds Missile Launcher While Gardening

weirdnews

16 Oct 2009 | 9:07 pm

Jarrette Schule was cutting down trees on his rural property in Comal County, Texas when he noticed a green metallic tube on the muddy ground. A closer inspection revealed a decal that read: “Guided Missile and Launcher, Surface Attack.”
Afghan girl killed by Royal Air Force leaflet drop

weirdnews

30 Sep 2009 | 11:44 am

The British Ministry of Defence is investigating the death of a young Afghan girl who died after being hit by a box of leaflets dropped by the RAF.
Rat-eating plant discovered in Philippines

weirdnews

18 Aug 2009 | 6:54 am

A carnivorous plant that eats rats and insects has been discovered in the Philippines.

Base Camp Legends
Fly of the Month

Benji Sorenson

2 Nov 2009 | 4:00 am

Late fall has arrived and a short flurry of snow here today reminded me that winter is on its way. Unless your favorite fishing location closes for the winter though you don’t need to hang up the fly rod just yet. I have a pattern that has become a favorite of mine from late fall through the early spring months. It is simple, and it works as a great midge pupa imitation. I fish it a variety of ways. Often I will fish it with a double nymph rig as the bottom fly fishing it deep with the aid of split shot. In the spring I like to use it as a dropper off an adult Skwala Stonefly pattern on…
High Adventure deer Hunt

suzee

30 Oct 2009 | 5:00 am

Nerves were tingling with anticipation as I made my way through the tangle of weeds and dense undergrowth. The dim early morning light made ghostly shapes, fanning the flames of imagination, sending all the senses to full alert. A soft breeze sighed, bringing the pungent smells of sage and manure… yes you read it right… manure… so much for making this sound like a romantic, high adventure! I was in our barnyard, making my way to the end of our horse corral to sit in the weeds and wait for a deer to come by! All spring and much of the summer we had been watching deer cross…
2009 Archery Pronghorn Hunt

suzee

28 Oct 2009 | 5:01 am

This was my first experience hunting these fascinating, beautiful animals… and I wasn’t disappointed! We saw plenty of Antelope, and the vast open country has a charm all it’s own. I didn’t bring home a Pronghorn… but it sure whets my appetite for another chance next year! We had one very nice buck parade just out of range… sure set the ole heart to pounding! I did learn some things that I hope will make a difference for next years hunt! This post sponsored by:
The Ghost of the Prairies

Tom Sorenson

26 Oct 2009 | 5:00 am

I’ve come to the conclusion that Oregon is a strange state with strange laws. As close as I can figure, when you put in for a rifle antelope tag in Oregon, the first year you are unsuccessful, you get one preference point. But rather than continue to build points with each unsuccessful draw, you only keep that one point until 12 years…at which point they decide you are either exceptionally persistent, or exceptionally stubborn and they give you a tag. It does take some poor luck to actually have to go all twelve years before getting your charity tag, but such was the case with my…
Back Country Survival

Mike "Hawk" Huston

22 Oct 2009 | 12:20 pm

Picture: Stacey Huston Somehow, the early morning sunlight has a way of lifting one’s spirits on cold days like these. Crystalline frozen air sparkles all around me as I emerge from my makeshift shelter. Pine and fir tree boughs lashed together with now frozen willow bark and covered with a thick layer of forest debris make up the bulk of my shelter. A rock fire pit blackened by fire still holds heat from the night before and I nurse the coals back to life. My elk skin clothes are frozen stiff from the wet snow the day before, and will take hours to dry out once this fire warms the inside…

Julian Kross
I’m not sure when it happened, but I’ve changed

NormandLi79

4 Nov 2009 | 7:41 am

You can't hide money I live in a pretty good neighborhood. For the most part I enjoy spending time with the people that live around me with only two real exceptions. Next door to me is an elderly couple who both seem to live off nothing more than toast, coffee, and the happiness of others. They’ve had confrontations with most of us about things like magical moving property lines, accusations that we weren’t living in our own homes because we were renting them, the demand to stop non-existant logging trucks from driving thru their yard, and threats to call the police when people park…
Reality Bites

Julian Kross

20 Oct 2009 | 2:18 pm

I’ve recently realized that as a parent you can’t be an asshole all the time. Believe me I pull it off quite often but kids need a cloud of hope to protect them from reality. Telling children they can be anything they want when they grow up makes them wake up every morning with a purpose in life. What if we told some of them the truth? “No they can be anything they want. Those kids are different. Your parents work in the mill and hate being told what to do so they came home everyday and the roles reverse. Now they’re the boss and they get to tell you what to do so they…
Sometimes you just suck - part 2

NormandLi79

25 Sep 2009 | 12:13 am

This “we’re all winners” thing is still running around in my head and now I wonder who d